


Nobody Knows Where You Might End Up

by conn8d



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-08 09:44:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 146,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conn8d/pseuds/conn8d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's not sure he really believes in happily ever after. But this is an after, and most of the time he thinks they are happy. Alex and April continue to navigate their relationship. But the pressure is on. They have careers to manage, a wedding to plan, and some unexpected surprises to deal with. Sequel to There All Along. Alex/April, Alex/Mer friendship. Canon through S8-10. (cross posted from FF.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story is a sequel to There All Along, which has spoilers through season 8 episode 10.** **This picks up several months after the end of that story.** **I recommend you read that one first; it will put a lot of things in better context if you do. If you don't, I think you can still have an enjoyable time reading this one, but be aware that April and Alex are engaged, she has a bad leg from an injury, no one failed the boards, and Lexie Grey did not die. I do not own Grey's Anatomy nor am I a medical professional. All situations that appear in this story were researched on the internet. Thank you very much for reading, and let me know what you think.**

* * *

_When you're young, time seems to crawl along at a snails pace. It feels like it takes a million years to reach those milestones of childhood. Until we are tall enough to go on that one roller coaster, ready for junior high, or old enough to drive. We wait with this anxious intensity, as though these things will change us. Make us fundamentally different. Grown up. Turns out, that's bull._

Alex yawned and reached his arm across to the nightstand and turned off the annoyingly loud buzz of his alarm clock. Normally, he'd press the snooze button a few more times before actually getting up, but today he couldn't. Today, he actually wanted to get to the hospital early. Go figure. He had a big presentation with Robbins about the Africa proposal in front of the board of directors at 11 am, so he didn't want to over sleep and blow it.

Not that he was nervous or anything.

Really.

Okay, maybe Alex was a little nervous. Or whatever. After all, the presentation was a pretty big deal. If the board didn't approve some of the funding, Alex doubted that they'd be able to get any of the other grants they wanted. No one would want to fund a project that wasn't supported by it's associated hospital, right? There was a lot riding on today. but, Alex didn't think it was so much about nerves. Not too much. Mostly he just didn't understand why Robbins wanted  _him_  to do the proposal with her in the first place. She was the one who had original ties to Malawi. She'd gotten the Carter-Madison grant, and she'd been the one to establish initial ties with the Nambosi clinic. He'd only really gotten involved because Robbins hadn't been able to return to Africa, and because he'd sort of needed a 'pet cause' in the race for Chief Resident. And whatever.

The kids needed help, and he could do something. He did do something. They deserved it. No big deal. Nothing to make a fuss over.

And yeah, so Alex had gotten the old dragon lady to leave her money to the project, and that had allowed them to bring some kids to the States for surgery. That wasn't a huge feat. Anybody could have probably done it, probably for less stress than he'd had with the whole money thing. Alex had almost blown it really. If the old bitch hadn't have actually changed her will...he'd be in freakin' jail right now.

But since he'd gotten the Peds fellowship, Robbins had collaborated with him to research new directions for the whole Malawi project. And it was pretty cool actually. They were a good team, and bounced ideas off of each other well. And the new plan Alex and Arizona had come up with had a ton of potential. But he was afraid that his participation in the presentation to the board would be more of a liability than an asset. He knew he wasn't exactly the suit and tie, powerpoint sort of guy. He hated hospital political bullshit, and had a tendency to be way too blunt. No way the board of directors would warm up to him. No freakin' way. But Robbins had been firm about wanting him there, so Alex wasn't about to back out on her. He could only hope things would turn out okay.

Pulling himself into a sitting position, Alex rubbed his eyes and yawned. Carefully lowering his feet to the cool wood floor, he stood up, mindful of jostling his still sleeping fiancee. April had had some knee pain lately, so her bad right leg was propped up with pillows. She'd had to get her cane out earlier in the week, and elevated it every night. Once he was on his feet, Alex glanced back over his shoulder and gauged April's level of sleep. She'd barely moved a muscle and continued to breathe deeply, with her mouth hanging slightly open.

Alex tentatively moved his hand to her face and brushed his fingers across her lips. He smirked when his fiancee only sighed and turned her head to one side in response. Not a peep otherwise. Barely a twitch. April was still out cold.

Kind of unusual for her actually. If there was one thing he'd learned about April Kepner in the year and some they'd been together, it was that she was an early riser. Barring  _major_  illness, double shift induced exhaustion, or  _particularly_ vigorous screwing, his girlfriend was awake and dressed at what seemed to Alex like the crack of dawn. Childhood farm life and all that. But her knee had been bothering her more than usual in the past few days, so Alex figured he'd let her sleep. He'd grab the shower first. For once, he wouldn't have to worry about April using up the hot water.

Making his way into the bathroom, Alex twisted the shower nozzels until cascades of warm water filled the shower and stepped in. As he rinsed and lathered up, he went over in his mind how the presentation might go. Best case scenario, he didn't piss anyone off, the board liked their proposal and gave them the money they were asking for. He squeezed shampoo into his hand and ran it through his short hair. Worst case scenario, Alex'd would go in and piss people off. He'd insult some pretentious rich dude and probably get in trouble and lose his job or something. At the very least, the proposal would be rejected.

Alex ducked his head under the running water. He figured he'd be safer in hoping for the middle outcome. In his own life experiences, Alex had found that stuff usually didn't turn out to be the very best or the very worst it could possibly be. Usually the crap landed somewhere in the middle along a broad spectrum. So that's what he resolved to expect. Not the end of the Malawi Project, but not the crowning jewel either. He still had his head under the shower head when Alex heard the door bang open, followed by loud fumbling footsteps, the sound of the toilet lid slamming open and a groan.

"You're in a hurry,"Alex began to tease, assuming it was just a pressing morning pee. The corners of his mouth fell abruptly when the sound of violent retching reached his hears. Damn. April hated throwing up. Some way to wake up.

Well, he had told her it was a bad idea to order curry surprise from India Palace the previous evening. Alex in general was up to eat whatever, and even he knew that anything 'surprise' in the title was probably a calculated risk. And April didn't have quite the iron stomach he did. Even if she'd been more adventurous in recent weeks.

"Jesus April," he whispered as the puking continued, accompanied by a small whimper. Maybe it wasn't the freaking food. She'd woken up sick like this after bad dreams from time to time. It'd freaked him out at first, but once he knew why, Alex could understand. He winced as the sound of a dry heave echoed into the shower. They didn't talk about it much, but April had told him that sometimes in her dreams she relived finding Reed in the shooting. She vividly flashed back to walking into the supply closet and tripping over the body of her dead best friend. Alex figured that's why she was sick now. And he really could understand. He'd seen Reed too, for an instant, before...freakin' Gary Clark. Shot him. Alex frowned and ran his fingers along the small circular scar that marred his chest. The bastard. Still causing them trouble over three years later.

"You okay?" Alex quickly turned off the water, and got out of the shower, dripping wet, wrapping a towel around his waist. April was still hunched over the toilet bowl, but she seemed to be done vomiting for the moment. Hearing him get out of the shower April, turned and looked up. Her face held a pained expression, and she used one hand to gently massage her knee.

Alex moved to her side, placing his hand on her back, and began to kneel down. His wet feet slipped from beneath him and Alex slammed down on the bathroom floor ass first, sliding into April and bumping his head on the stupid counter. Freaking banner day already. By the looks of things he probably should expect the worst for not only the presentation, but for the whole god damn day. If the morning was any sort of indication.

"Shit. I'm sorry," Alex said, regaining his balance and reaching out and pulling April close, hoping he hadn't hurt her leg. Kneeling down quick like she had to to barf, wasn't the best thing for her leg normally, never mind that it had been acting up lately. He'd hate it if he made things worse.

She shook her head, pushing back from him, and covered her mouth with one hand. Alex thought she was going to blow chunks again, but the sound of April's laughter escaped from behind her fingers. He pouted. Oh yeah,  _so_  funny. Whatever. And at least she was smiling now. He leaned close to her, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, with his brows lowered as he tried to infer how she felt.

"I'm gross," April said quietly, leaning away from his face.

"Whatever," Alex smirked, squeezing her shoulder. He was a pediatric surgeon, after all. He'd dealt with all kinds of projectile vomiting.

"You smell like soap."

"There are worse things to smell like," Alex replied, raising his eyebrows in a silent question. "You really should lay off the curry for a while."

"Fine," she replied distractedly, glancing away from him. She took a deep breath and swallowed, offering him a small close lipped smile. "I'll be okay. I'll grab a shower. I already feel better."

"Cane today?" Alex said, squeezing her shoulder again and carefully pulling himself into a standing position, using the bathroom counter. He didn't want to slip again. He didn't think the presentation would benefit from his being hurt and grumpy. Plus if he really did bust his ass, Robbins would never let him live it down.

"Oh, yeah," April gulped again, still seeming a little preoccupied, and ran a hand across her face. "You better finish getting ready. I don't want to make you late. I'll drive myself to the hospital if it looks like I'm taking too long."

"I'm not gonna be late. It doesn't matter anyway, if you need me..."

"I'm good. Really," April replied, shifting and beginning to painfully pull herself up as well. "I'll stop and see if Callie can look at my leg at work today. Just go on, and get ready."

"Are you sure? If you don't feel good..." Alex prodded, not entirely convinced. She really did seem to be fine now, if a little flustered. Maybe he just really didn't want to do the damn presentation.

She tilted her head to one side and gave him a look, "I'm fine. It's probably just the curry. Better out than in right? Oh! I ironed your suit last night...it's hanging on the closet door."

Way to change the subject.

"Thanks," Alex, gave her one last look over and moved to head back to the bedroom, drying himself off with the towel. He smirked, with a glint in his eyes, and called over his shoulder, relishing the fact that April usually came after him with this particular phrase. He knew she'd respond with an outraged glare, but it was totally be worth it.

"Don't forget to flush."

An empty cardboard roll of toilet paper hit him in the back of the head.

_Suddenly you're really grown, and the only visible evidence you have of this fact is that you stopped growing up and began to 'grow' out. You blink and the trappings of adulthood fill your life. Parenthood, career, love. In varying orders. All that stuff you thought would change you? The graduations, first cars, and first jobs? Not so much. It's the stuff you don't expect that usually makes the biggest difference. The stuff you don't plan._

* * *

_Becoming a parent is probably the biggest deal of your adulthood. It's what everyone always says: having a child will change your life. You never really understand until it happens. And no one ever tells you how hard it is to still fit everything else in. Work, cleaning, bills. Sleep. All that stuff you had enough trouble squeezing in before you had a kid._

Meredith carefully helped her almost 3 year old daughter Zola's arms through the sleeves of her green sweater. Seattle's late October weather had already changed over to the chilly misty variations of autumn and she didn't want her little girl to get chilled. Zola squirmed and fidgeted as Meredith carefully buttoned the garment. Despite the cold weather, Zola was not a fan of the additional clothing item. Or, lately, of too many clothes in general.

Rubbing her eye and tilting her head to one side, Zola sighed and asked, "Mommy...I don't wanna wear 'weater...do I hafta?"

Finishing the last button, Meredith sighed and glanced at her watch. They were going to be late. Luckily her first scheduled procedure wasn't until after lunch, but recently she always tended to run late on days when she had the mornings with her daughter. Somehow Derek usually managed to get things done on time when he had the morning. Zola had become a lot more assertive and delightfully talkative in the past few months, which Meredith was sure was a contributing factor to her tendency toward tardiness. She loved talking to her little girl and wouldn't change a thing. She supposed there were worse reasons to be late. She should probably just plan on it.

"Sweetie, you have to wear your sweater today, I'm afraid," she answered, placating her daughter by tickling her. "It's too cold not to. BRR!"

"Brrr!" Zola grinned, not so much because she really agreed about wearing the sweater, Meredith knew, but because she liked to make the 'cold' sound.

She carefully led her daughter down stairs into the kitchen, where she quickly grabbed a small pink lunch box and began carefully packing Zola's snack. Meredith unzipped the bag and opened the refrigerator door to grab the food, narrating the whole thing for her daughter, and allowing Zola to have some options.

"Today, you're gonna have carrots  _and_ grapes for snack," Meredith began, waggling her eyebrows, hoping to make the snacks sound exciting. At least exciting enough not to argue over. She held up two different juice boxes, "Would you like apple juice or orange?"

"No," Zola crossed her arms and shook her head, before repeating her new favorite word. "No. Not thirsty."

"Zozo, you're going to want a drink at school."

"No. No hobstable. No school. "

"You have to go to school," Meredith replied diplomatically. "While Mommy and Daddy work, we need someone to take care of you."

"No work."

Meredith sighed. This conversation was all too familiar and it made her feel a bit guilty. Ellis Grey hadn't had much time for her as a little girl, and Meredith still often worried whether things were repeating themselves with Zola. Her attending hours really were much better than they had been as a resident, but it was still hard and Zola did have to spend time in daycare.

"Daddy and I have to work...but in two more sleeps it'll be the weekend and you know what that means..."

"Ye-es...two seeps!"

Nodding, with two fingers held up, Zola's features shifted and her eyes gleamed with excitement. This weekend was special because it would be filled with Halloween, trick-or-treating and visits from two of the girl's favorites, along with everyone else. Alex and April were hosting a small party at the old house so Zola and Sofia could trick-or-treat together in the same neighborhood. The dream house had turned out to be just that, a dream, but it wasn't exactly the most Halloween friendly sort of home. Walking to the nearest neighbors would be too taxing for either toddler, and their parents, if Meredith was honest with herself. The little shindig at the old house would be fun for all the adults too. Both Lexie and Cristina were coming to town for the weekend from their respective fellowships in Portland and Stanford. Meredith had been using the upcoming visit of Aunt and Godmother as a bit of a behavior bribe for a week or so now. She wasn't exactly sure if it was the Dr. Spock approved method for child rearing, but it seemed to work.

"And if you go to school the weekend will come faster," Meredith continued, grabbing an apple juice box from the fridge and turning to the counter to pack the lunch box. "Plus you'll get to play with Sofia, and Nicholas and all your friends..."

Hearing no resistance from Zola, she quickly zipped up the little lunch bag and moved to find her purse. Usually the argument over going to daycare lasted longer. Counting her lucky stars, Meredith figured that today they might not be as late as normal. They were dressed, pottied, and seemingly done with the 'No hospital' portion of the morning. If they left now, Meredith thought they'd miss a lot of the morning rush hour traffic. Slinging her purse over her shoulder, Meredith held out her hand. Her daughter didn't take it. Looking next to her, where she expected to see Zola, she was surprised to find only the small green sweater in a heap in the floor. So much as blink and that girl would scamper off. Meredith bent down and picked up the sweater.

"Come on Zola," she called. "Where are you? We have to go bye-bye."

"Me here!" her daughter said jumping in from the living room with her hands on her hips, now only wearing socks and her pull up.

"Zola!" Meredith exclaimed. "What did you with your clothes?"

The little girl only giggled in reply. On second thought, Meredith realized that today they would probably be later than usual.

_No matter how a child comes into your life, one thing is certain: you have absolutely no idea who they are going to be. It's not something you can fully plan for._

* * *

_Planning makes us feel like we are in control. Human beings are prone to thinking ahead. It's conditioned into us from the time we are little. What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want for dinner tonight? What are we going to do for your birthday? Ubiquitous questions of childhood that train us to be grown up. We are forced to think about things that will, should, or might happen, long before they actually do. As though we can actually predict them. Control them._ _  
_

"Wait! Hold the elevator," April heard Meredith call out. She could see Meredith sprinting across the lobby, with Zola bouncing along on her hip. Apparently, she and Alex weren't the only ones running late today. Alex quickly leaned forward and pressed the 'door open button' and April quickly stuck out her cane, preventing the metal doors from closing.

Had to be some sort of reason she'd ended up needing the damn thing. A silver lining. Other than the fact that her knee ached like nothing else. The ominous cramps and twists in April's stomach had long since calmed down, though her knee still screamed in protest against the too fast and too clumsy squat she'd needed to use to avoid vomiting all over the bathroom. And even though she didn't feel like throwing up anymore, the whole thing had made her feel a a panicked sense of unease in the back of her mind.

It wasn't the first time April had woken up to throw up in recent weeks, and the pattern, combined with the presence (or lack of presence) of a few other symptoms gave her cause for concern. Because if might mean she...well...April wasn't ready to think about it, but it could mean...that she was pregnant. She'd driven to the drugstore twice that week and chickened out on buying the test that would answer the question once and for all. Drugstore tests could give false positives anyway. Plus, what if there was nothing to worry about?

There were other reasons you might be late, right? Or sick. Stress. Hormones. Cancer. Okay, April realized it was statistically way more likely that she was pregnant then it was that she had cancer. Thank goodness. Her mind was just racing in circles.

And if Alex found the test? What then? 'Family' was still a touchy subject for him. He'd gotten better since they'd been together. Alex was better with his mom and sister. He'd sort of bonded with her Dad and nieces. Still, he wasn't completely at ease with the notion of family issue and April couldn't blame him for skirting around the topic more often than not. Not given his own family background, and his father's departure.

They'd joked about parenthood before, and had a few more serious conversations, but nothing really in depth. Did they want a family? Sure. Of course. Just not right now. They weren't really ready. They had a wedding to plan for February. A honeymoon to think of for March. Fellowships to finish. Projects to do. Papers to publish. They were starting to look for their own house. A baby was not in their immediate plans. They weren't ready.

A baby.

April gulped and twisted her fingers on the edge of her coat, taping the ring on her engagement finger against the smooth handle of her cane.

Surely not. They were doctors. They were careful. Most of the time. They certainly weren't trying to get pregnant. Then again, they weren't as actively  _not_ trying as they once had. After all, they were engaged. And she was on the pill. And...they were doctors. But April knew nothing was fool proof. Even if she'd been trying to convince herself otherwise over the past several days.

"Thanks," Meredith said breathlessly as she stepped into the elevator and pressed the 4th floor button for the daycare. April shook herself and tried to focus.

"I wanna press the button!" Zola whined.

"Next time," Meredith said gently. "We're in a hurry today."

"Stripper strikes again?" Alex quipped, commenting on the pair's lateness and winking at Zola.

"Alex!" Meredith and April snapped in unison, April adding a small hit in the arm.

"Don't even say that," Meredith continued.

He only smirked and added, "Whatever. We know Zola's not actually gonna become a one. That's not the career you want. Right Tiny? You're gonna go to college and become a doctor and kick some butt!"

April rolled her eyes, and Meredith shook her head.

"It's not funny." The neurosurgeon nudged Alex and questioned, "You all ready for your presentation?"

"He's nervous," April replied, sagely trying to redirect her racing thoughts. His upcoming participation with the Africa project and the related anxiety he'd never admit to, were part of the reason April had been reluctant to say anything about her pregnancy worries to her fiance. She knew Alex. He was already out of his comfort zone. A possible pregnancy would just freak him out. And if she was wrong, and just being paranoid, he'd never have to worry about it.

At her words, Alex shot her a glare.

"UncAlex!" the little girl said happily bouncing her little legs and struggling to get down as the elevator began to move. "We going up, up, up!"

Ignoring Meredith's question, and fidgeting with his watch, Alex answered Zola, "Lucky for you, so are we."

"Apol too?"

"We  _all_  need to go upstairs and put scrubs on before we can work," Meredith said tiredly, lowering Zola to the floor and holding her hand. "And you have to go up to daycare..."

The toddler seemed to have lost interest in the conversation and was now dancing around in a little circle. April watched with a strange fascination. She'd known the adorable little girl ever since she'd been adopted. Zola was this whole little person. A little person who had wants and needs and personality. Questions and opinions and fears. Derek and Meredith had this whole little person to raise. Pay for. And love. All that responsibility on their shoulders. It had changed them. They were different now. The whole thing seemed staggering. Colossal.

Too many questions were racing through April's mind. She fought back against a small wave of nausea. What if? She might be pregnant. What if she was? What would Alex say? What would she do?

It almost felt like she was having a panic attack. Like the walls of the elevator were closing in around her, making her neck warm and her breathing uneven. April shifted and blinked rapidly, belatedly realizing that Zola was tugging on her coat.

"I got gwapes!" the little girl exclaimed enthusiastically, holding up her small lunch box.

"You do? What kind of grapes?" April replied, carefully controlling the waver in her voice, unable to hold back her smile in the face of Zola's clear excitement.

"Ga-REEN ones!" Zola giggled.

April nodded, "Yum."

"Tasty," Alex agreed.

"I coming to your house!" the child continued, holding up two fingers in April's direction.

"Yes," she grinned, attempting to make a spooky voice and failing miserably, to Zola's apparent delight. "For Halloween. And lots of candy!"

Then again, even if it would all be such a  _huge_  responsibility, April couldn't help but listen to Zola and let her mind drift off to the fuzzier side of the 'what if' game. So, what if she was pregnant? It could be wonderful. Right? They'd be a mother and father. It was probably going to happen someday. Why not now? They were going to get married. Would it be so bad? She and Alex might have a baby.  _Their_  baby. Another whole little person. Who someday would grow and chatter away, like Zola was now. What would it be like? Being a mother? She could almost see Alex holding a child in his arms. So clearly. For a second the thought enveloped April, making her eyes mist over.

The moment strangely calmed April. She needed to stop being so cowardly and nerve wrecked. Which was probably impossible because...well, she'd spent more than a significant part of her life being insecure and worried. At least, she would try to be less cowardly and nerve wrecked.

One way or another, April needed to find out the truth. Putting it off wasn't doing anything but making her a basket case. She could stop by the clinic and grab a pregnancy test during her break. Hell, she could probably swindle herself a blood test, if she could get into the lab. Either way, April had to know the truth. She knew she needed to find answers.

The panic began to well up in her chest again, and April let out a quick breath, and squared her shoulders in an effort to calm herself. Meredith's voice pulled her back to the elevator as the small room slowed to a stop at the 4th floor, "Are you okay, April?"

"Her leg hurts," Alex answered, crossing his arms and glancing at her cane.

"Shh!" April shot him a look. She didn't need anymore attention drawn to her distracted state. She knew she'd be a terrible liar if her friends asked too many questions.

Backing out of the elevator with a skipping Zola at her side, Meredith continued to scrutinize April closely, "You sure?"

"A-absolutely," April said, her brightest fake smile appearing on her lips. "I'm great."

Meredith still looked unconvinced as the elevator doors slid shut, and the machine began to move again. April gulped and concentrated on looking straight ahead at the silver doors. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Alex tilt his head. She could feel him looking at her. She was afraid that if she looked at him, he'd see right through her.

Alex made a face and imitated her voice, "So freakin' great, I puked my guts up."

As the elevator came to a stop on the fifth floor and they stepped of the elevator and headed toward the attending locker room, April glared, "I'm not going to tell Mer about that...it's-it's gross and-and private."

Alex rolled his eyes and smirked, hanging the bag with his suit and tie in his locker as he began to change into his scrubs, "You were her patient. Mer's seen your brains, April. I don't really think you can get any privacy after that."

Slipping into her own scrubs, April had to laugh, "Alex you're ridiculous."

Alex pulled his white coat on over his navy scrubs and pinned his badge on with a smirk, "Whatever. You love me."

"Oh?" April retorted, turning to face him as she slipped into her own lab coat. "What if I'm just putting up with you?"

"Same difference. You wouldn't bother if you didn't love me," he answered matter of factly, as he pulled some index cards out of his locker and stuffed them in his pockets. April had seen Alex carrying around those cards for over a week. He'd practice for the presentation during breaks and lunches, even if he said he was just 'looking things over'. April was sure he knew his words by heart. She  _knew_  he would do well. He wasn't the jerky and abrasive resident who hid himself behind emotional walls that she'd first met. If only she could make Alex believe he would do well. At least he was better as an attending. He had more confidence.

Alex shrugged and fidgeted with his lab coat again, "I gotta head up to peds. Take it easy. Don't barf, it'll scare the patients."

"Thanks," she replied, wrinkling her nose and grabbing a few files from her locker. "If I don't see you before your talk, good luck!"

He made his way to the door, running his hand down the back of his head, mumbling, "I freakin' need it."

"You'll be awesome," April gripped her cane and joined Alex in the door way, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "You will. I know it."

Alex smirked and nudged April playfully, before heading in one direction down the hallway, "From your lips to someone's ears..."

April stood in the hallway and watched him disappear up the staircase toward pediatrics. Things were good between them now. Really good. They understood each other better. They had a... rhythm. A raport. They'd gotten used to each other's idiosyncrasies. They fit together. It was good. Except, April knew that would all change if suspicion was true. If she was pregnant, everything would change. April's mind ventured into the depressing side of 'what if'. What if she was pregnant? And they couldn't handle the change? If they couldn't adapt?

April sighed and her shoulders slumped. She turned and slowly made her way to the elevator heading for the ER. She'd find out soon enough. By the end of the day, she'd know.

_Some people end up being better planners than others, but to a certain extent everyone dabbles in planning ahead. Whether that's only as far as the afternoon meal or for the next ten years. On a whole, we like to think we can know what will come next. If we plan it, it will happen. Right?  
_

_But here is the thing: life almost never goes according to plan. The older you get, the more you understand. Milestones don't just appear because you desperately want them to. Or because they're supposed to. And having them happen isn't going to change who you are. There's no order. You can't expect there to be. Nothing ever really works out the way you planned it to._


	2. Chapter 2

Alex gulped and shifted uncomfortably, reaching a hand up to loosen his tie. He peered around the room uneasily, taking in the parade of suits and sweater sets that made up the board of directors sitting on around the conference room table. They all faced Robbins, as she walked them through her part of the proposal. She was so freakin' good at it. Robbins was rocking it, and the whole board was soaking her in. Even Jennings had a positive enough expression on his face. More than normal anyway. Alex felt like he didn't belong. Arizona would hate him if he messed this project up for her.

"With the Carter-Madison grant money, we have been able to set up partnerships between the Nambosi Clinic, Seatle Grace Mercy West Hospital, Boston Children's and Great Ormond Street Hospital. To date, we have organized 77 procedures," Robbins tilted her head to one side and used her pointer to click through a few photos in the powerpoint.

She smiled as the faces of their patients flashed on the screen, "As you can see here, we have a few examples of our successes. These are children brought to us through our work at the clinic. Look at all those happy faces...Most of these surgeries would be considered simple, and are taken for granted in the Western world. Appendectomies, cleft pallet procedures, minor hernial repairs. In America, sometimes these would even be out-patient surgeries, but in Malawi there just aren't adequate resources. A lot of the time, medical issues are ignored and left to fester, which causes even minor issues to become life threatening. As we saw with the group Dr. Karev brought over in 2011, this issue is magnified for the most vulnerable of children, like those in Malawi's orphanages."

Glancing down to his foot, Alex realized his shoe was untied. Awesome.

He leaned forward and quickly redid the laces as Arizona continued, "During my time in Africa, I saw first hand what kind of an impact our surgical expertise can have. From my continued correspondence with Dr. Lucy Fields who is currently working at the Nambosi Clinic, I know that our efforts there are making a huge impact. But we can do more. As you know, Pediatric Surgery in general is one of the least accessible and underfunded branches of medicine on the African continent, not just in Malawi."

Alex sat up straighter, looking a little sullen. Here it was. Almost his turn. He sniffed and cracked his knuckles. It must have been a little too loud, because one tight lipped board member in a sweater suit turned around in her seat and gave him a long considering look. His brow furrowed and he gulped, trying to avoid eye contact by fixing his gaze determinedly on Robbins.

"My colleague Dr. Karev, will walk you through the plan we've developed to do more, and to expand our role at Nambosi Clinic," Arizona finished, waving Alex to the front of the room, and handing him the small powerpoint remote.

"Uh," he began, faltering slightly, and clearing his throat. Alex dug in his pocket and pulled out the index cards he'd tucked away and began to read them,"As, uh, as Dr. Robbins has neatly explained...our current um...work in Malawi is helping kids. That's not in dispute. But...looking at these graphs...here, you can see that our current approach is...limited...because of...financial resources. We could, uh...do so much more if we had um, at least a 13% increase in funding-"

Alex paused and winced as he flipped to another slide. His index cards fell from his fingers. Crap. He looked around the conference room. Jennings was yawning. Another suit leaned back in his chair. A few more where glancing at their watches.

"Dr. Karev," Jennings said diplomatically. "We on the board are well aware of the financial undertaking this project requires. Now, we don't deny it is a good cause, but even you have to admit it has the potential to be a monetary shiv. Without a good plan, projects like this can easily hemorrhage money. Our hospital can't afford to do that right now."

The other man's words made Alex feel the anger bubble inside of him. Where the hell did Jennings get off implying that the project would misuse money? But getting pissed off wasn't gonna do much to help their case. Alex took two deep calming breaths and scanned the room. He was losing them. Robbins sat in the front row, looking at him sympathetically. She bit her lip and shook her head almost imperceptibly as Alex bent over to pick up his index cards. 'Just talk' she mouthed, nodding encouragingly.

Just talk? Okay. Alex figured he could do that. He knew the idea inside and out. It was solid. He could pretend this wasn't some big deal presentation. He'd just explain it. He could talk to the board like they were regular people.

"So look," Alex took another deep calming breath. "I'm not here to bullshit you out of your money."

Oh great. Now half the room's eyebrows had reached the stratosphere. Like they'd never heard a curse before. Ooh, Dr. Karev said a dirty word. Whatever. Freakin' suits. Alex gulped and gestured vaguely with his hands.

"I'm talking about making a difference. Here's the thing: The real problem in Malawi and in Africa isn't just that there are sick kids and stuff. There are sick kids, sure, but as Robbins said, a lot of them have relatively curable diseases. The only reason they get bad as they do is because there aren't enough trained surgeons over there to help in time, even with the most minor of procedures. And for a lot of these kids a minor procedure can be a big deal. A huge freakin' deal."

He clicked the button on his remote and advanced through some images of the kids they'd treated, "Being an orphan anywhere basically sucks."

Alex felt a little better when everyone in the room chuckled, so he continued, "You gotta wait and hope that someone will adopt you and love you and whatever...being a sick orphan blows even worse. Who's gonna take a sick kid? The reality is that you are statistically less likely to get adopted if there is something wrong with you. Cuz you're new parents have to pick up the tab. And in Africa? It's tough for anyone to pick up a tab. It's hard. But, for some of these kids a simple surgery is all that stands in the way. Not just for being healthy, but for finding a family too."

The next slide appeared on the screen, showing the hospital staff at Nambosi clinic that Lucy had sent Robbins. Alex felt more confident and continued, "And even though Malawi may have a problem, there is certainly no shortage of people who want to help. If they knew how. The real problem is that there is a shortage of teachers. Trained doctors who can help train others. Even the best medical hospitals in Malawi can't offer the level of medical knowledge we have here at Seattle Grace. Teachers can make our break you."

Alex shrugged and pointed to Robbins, "Good teachers can make all the difference in the world. One did for me. So what am I suggesting we do at Nambosi? Let's see: What is Seattle Grace known for, no matter what? Even when we aren't number one in research or trial projects or patient outcomes. What are we always good at? Teaching. We are a teaching hospital. That's our thing. So, Dr. Robbins and I are suggesting that we help teach."

Larry Jennings leaned forward across the conference room table. He seemed less bored at least, so Alex surged ahead, "It's like...learning to tie your shoes. It's no good if someone else always ties them for you. You want to learn how to tie them yourself. Doctors in Malawi aren't children, and it's patronizing to treat them that way. If we just keep doing these surgeries for them, without sharing the knowledge and resources that would allow them to do it themselves...That's patronizing. There's _nothing_  worse that having someone treat you like that."

He nodded as Robbins began to pass around the paper handouts detailing the plans for their teaching exchange project, "Our proposal would allow us to bring medical students from Malawi here to learn from us, and have some of us go to Africa to begin a strong teaching program over there. You gotta figure that teaching is a chain reaction. The vision for this program would be to eventually create a good enough teaching system so that the simple peds cases don't escalate. So that the doctors there can handle those surgeries themselves, and send the truly severe ones to us. Maybe eventually not even need us at all. Eventually Nambosi Clinic could be the teaching beacon of Malawi, or even of southern Africa."

Okay, Alex realized that the last notion was probably more than a little ambitious, but he figured they outta shoot big or go home, "We already have at least 2 general surgeons, 2 neurosurgeons, 2 plastic surgeons, a trauma surgeon, an orthopedic surgeon and all of our pediatric staff on board and ready to help in some capacity. The chief of surgery has offered his full support. What we really need is the capital to get this project off the ground."

Alex stood up straight and looked each board member in the eye, "This is our shot to make our connection to the Nambosi Clinic more than just some little charity case. We have the opportunity to create a true _partnership_. A more  _equal_  partnership, and I believe it would be in everyone's best interests to do so."

He looked at his shoes, clearing his throat as he fidgeted with his tie, "So uh, think about it, and thank you for your consideration."

Alex quickly shuffled back to his seat, unnerved by the deafening silence that met the end of his speech. Crap, crap, crap. He'd probably put his foot in things somehow. So much for 'just talking'. He was startled when the room erupted sound. It started with a slow clap that eventually accelerated to a more vigorous round of applause. He looked up and exchanged a glance with Robbins. She was beaming.

Jennings cleared his throat as the applause died down, "I have to say the two of you both make a compelling argument. You've certainly given us a lot to consider. I'll admit, in the face of both of your obvious passion and vision for the project, it's hard not t get excited. We're going to deliberate the rest of this week and cast a vote next Tuesday. I will say this: a project like this can only work if there is someone with passion/vision as a stakeholders. Those people are you."

Alex was still too freaked out to really respond, so he ended up just nodding and shaking the guy's hand. And quite a few other people's hands. A bunch of the board members were talking to him about the project and even potential logistics, which Alex figured was a good sign. He wasn't taking much else in. Somehow he and Robbins ended up alone in the hallway out side of the conference room.

"We did our best Karev," Robbins said smiling. "I think it went really well. Jenning's seemed happy enough."

Alex laughed and ran a hand down his cheeks, letting the post presentation adrenaline wash through his body. He reached to Arizona's shoulders and looked her in the eyes, "We have a shot at this don't we?"

She lifted her hands to his shoulders and grinned, "We really do!"

They hopped around in a little circle right there in the freakin' hallway. Squealing for Christ's sake. Probably looked like a bunch of idiots. Whatever. Alex didn't even care. Things had gone better than he expected. Today was an awesome day.

* * *

With her fork full of salad, Meredith scanned the cafeteria once again. Catching sight of Alex, she nudged Jackson, "Look, here he comes!"

They watched closely as Alex made his way through the lunch line. News of the presentation and Alex's apparently epic speaking job had spread though the hospital quickly, courtesy of one pride filled Arizona Robbins. She'd told some nurses, who were overheard by the the 2nd year residents, who let slip to Bailey, and the rest was history. Alex Karev's somewhat unorthodox performance before the was fast becoming legendary. And embellished.

Next to her Mara Keaton made a face, "Do stop looking at him! You'll made him uncomfortable."

Looking around the table at Jackson and his girlfriend, Meredith sighed. Sometimes she still found herself surprised to be sitting with the group of friends she had now, as a neuro fellow. It's not like Mara and Jackson and even April were bad. She liked them all pretty well actually. A lot even. They were very nice. But things were never the same as the old days of her residency. Back when she had Cristina, and Izzie, and George. Even Lexie. Now only Alex remained from back then. And Meredith had made new friends, and gotten closer with different people.

But she still felt a lot of nostalgia for the past, and it was nice to know Alex was around. He missed the old days too. And she could at least console herself with the fact that Cristina would be for sure coming back to Seattle Grace next year when she finished her fellowship. Cristina and Owen had decided that, though the distance had helped them, but for the future living in the same city would be ideal. Meredith, for one, was thrilled.

Jackson stuffed a french fry in his mouth, used his foot under the table to push back Alex's chair as he came over to join their table, "Here ya go, Winston Churchill."

"Shut up," Alex moaned as he stalked into his seat and began digging into his burger.

The plastic surgeon only grinned.

"Dude! Shut up already!"

"I didn't say anything else," Jackson looked back and forth between Mara and Meredith. "Did I say something else?"

"Whatever."

Meredith leaned forward and whispered to Alex, "Did you really cuss out the board?"

"No!" he replied indignantly, taking a bite of his burger. Through a mouthful of food he continued, "I didn't cuss anyone out. I only swore once and I used the word correctly."

Avery shook his head, "Unprofessional, man."

"I told them the truth; I wasn't bullshitting them."

Meredith chuckled and shook her head. If Alex was one thing, he was honest, sometimes brutally so. And it certainly hadn't worked against him this time. Swallowing another bite of food Meredith said, "Well, the word on the street is that you kicked ass. Good job, Alex."

His eyes lifted from his plate and Meredith received a grateful smirk. She smiled back. She really was proud of Alex. He was turning out to be a great doctor. Showing up all the rest of them already and he hadn't even finished his fellowship. The sound of a beeper, suddenly had them all checking their pockets, in case it was their pager, cutting the lunch talk short.

Mara shot out of her seat and kissed Jackson, before making her way out of the cafeteria, "That's me. I'll see  _you_  tonight. Later everyone..."

"Muah, muah, muah," Alex mocked grimacing humorously and tilting his head from side to side.

Jackson rolled his eyes and scowled at Alex, asking, "And where's April? I thought she had lunch right now."

Meredith ate another mouthful of salad, "I heard the whole trauma team got hung up with a construction accident earlier. That might have held her up. But, as far as I know, that's over with so I don't know where she is..."

Alex shrugged, "Probably with Torres. I told ya her leg hurts."

It sounded like there was more to the whole leg hurting thing than Alex was letting on. April was a little...different at the best of times. Always overly perky and happy. Sometimes irritating, but Meredith had learned to ignore most of that. The earthquake in 2012 had crushed the lower part of Kepner's right leg. The fact that April was perky at all was probably nothing short of amazing. Faced with the same circumstances, Meredith didn't know how resilient she would be. She knew Kepner meant well. And since she'd taken to just letting April be April, their relationship had gotten closer. Lately, her friend had been acting strangely. Even in the elevator this morning April had seemed really preoccupied. Maybe she was just worried about that leg pain might mean she needed another surgery.

Before Meredith could press the issue further, she caught sight of Derek and Bailey heading over to their table. Derek sat down next to Meredith, giving her a quick kiss, as Bailey sat down next to Alex, looking stern but proud. That was another thing that was weird about being an attending. Meredith had to get used to being on almost the same level as her husband and former teacher. Lunch buddies. Well, maybe not that far. Miranda Bailey was always someone to respect. Not exactly a simple lunch buddy.

"Karev, you are an endless surprise," Bailey said slowly.

Alex's skeptical eyes slid her direction, "Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"You're good in peds," she continued, nodding to herself. "You're good."

Meredith was happy for her friend. His reputation as an attending was quite different from the one he'd developed as a resident. Actually they all were beginning to form new impressions from the other attendings. Independent of their residencies, mistakes they made during that time, their mentors, and even (for herself and Jackson) of family legacies. They were standing on their own.

Derek reached across the table and grabbed a few of Alex's french fries.

"Hey!" Alex glared and pulled his plate closer to his chest.

Meredith snorted as her husband asked the same question she had, "I heard you cussed out Larry Jennings."

Alex grumbled and rolled his eyes, "Cut it out. All of you."

* * *

April grunted and struggled to pull the band tight around the top of her left arm. She had to use her teeth and her other hand. It was a heck of a lot easier setting up a patient for a blood draw then it was for yourself. But despite the difficulty, April was single mindedly determined to conduct a blood test. She  _needed_  to take a blood test.

"Yes," she whispered in triumph when the band was finally tight around her arm.

April was determined to find out what an hCG blood test would say, because that would be the only was she could be sure,  _absolutely sure_ , that the three pregnancy tests she'd borrowed from the clinic were true. Well, technically she'd stolen the tests, but it was a free clinic afterall. And April planned to make up for it somehow. But those tests had all come back positive. Each time.

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

Unbelievable. At least, it still felt that way. April realized was probably in denial, unable to accept the evidence right in front of her. So, as soon as she had had her lunch break she'd stolen away to this lab to do a blood test. Because a part of her still couldn't comprehend it all. And urine tests weren't 100% accurate. It was still possible to get false positives. Granted 3 times in a row...

Oh God.

April felt her breathing increase as her mind spun into a panic. Her hand started to shake. Okay. She just needed to calm down and take the test. Get it over with. She flexed the fingers on her tingling left arm and reached for the needle to do the blood draw.

A blood test would give April more evidence. The best evidence. It was the most accurate test of pregnancy you could possibly have. An hCG level test would not only tell her, inarguabely and irrefutably that she was pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, but it would also tell her her hormone levels and approximately how far along she was. Which April hoped would give her more information. And more information meant she'd accept it all, right? And then she'd be able to figure out a plan.

A plan on how to tell Alex. Maybe reschedule the wedding. To deal with becoming a parent. On how to handle everything. A plan for the rest of her life. April struggled. It was hard to find a vein on your own self.

"April Kepner, you better not be shooting up right now! I could prescribe pain killers if you're really having that much of a problem..."

She jumped, startling at the sound of Callie's stern voice, and hissed as she poked herself and missed the vein. Damn it.

"I...W-what? No! I'm not-" April blinked, looking up to the that the orthopedic attending surgeon. Callie stood in the doorway of the deserted lab, with her arms crossed and her head tilted to one side. She held herself with more grace and confidence than April figured she would ever have. It was always something she secretly envied about Torres, especially during moments of distress. Like now. Hold up in an empty lab, hunched on a stool, trying to stick a needle in her arm. April knew she was a mess.

April cleared her throat and tried to control her wavering voice, wincing at how awkward she felt, "Uh, what are you doing here?"

Callie moved closer, easily walking over to April and standing by her side, "A little bird told Arizona that your leg's been acting up. Said you were going to come find me on your break, but I have a gap between surgeries so I figured I'd find you first. What are  _you_  doing here?"

When April failed to respond immediately, Callie raised her eyebrows and gestured to her arm. She realized her mouth was hanging open like a fish. April really had no idea where to begin.

"Uh-I was just, um," she fumbled, before flushing and ducking her head. "I'm taking a blood test."

The dark haired doctor pulled up another stool and sat down next to April, "I can see that...you know that we have lab techs who do this right?"

April shrugged and Callie looked at the lab supplies April had prepared for running the blood test, frowning, "An hCG test? Want to tell me what's going on?"

April didn't meant to do it. She didn't mean to tell Callie anything. Because really, if all of this was true, and her mind was slowly beginning to comprehend that it was...she was really pregnant and she though that Alex should be the first person she told.

But she opened her mouth and a whole cascade of words tumbled out, "Well see, lately, every now and again, I get sick...usually in the mornings, but other times too. And at first I thought it was food. Because, actually, the first time it happened was after we went to that Blue Sushi down on Mercer? The one with the conveyor belt, you know? And you can grab whatever looks good, and I had like four plates, and the tempura was awesome, but I don't usually do sushi so I wasn't really surprised I got sick. But then it's been happening even when I don't eat strange foods."

Tilting her head from side to side, April's gaze fell to her aching leg, "Also my knee started to cramp, probably from kneeling, and that might not even a symptom, but I'm not sure. And then I'm really late, but that's not completely unusual either because my cycle always gets messed up when I am stressed...and I started the pill and that can mess up your cycle too...so I didn't think I could be, but I was sick again this morning so I just thought I'd check and be sure. So I stole tests from the clinic and they came back positive, but those can be wrong and blood tests are more accurate so-"

"April? April!" Callie held up a hand and pursed her lips, looking mildly irritated, "Kepner...can you just slow down? Stay calm. Are you...could you be...?"

A smile played on her lips and she raised her eyebrows in a silent question.

April stopped short in her ramblings and stared straight ahead. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes she said, "I think...I think I am pregnant."

There. She'd said it. Out loud. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. She didn't know if they were scared tears or happy tears. Probably both.

"Hold on, just what have you done? You've taken a urine test?"

"Three."

"Three?" Callie asked evenly. "All positive?"

April bit her lip and nodded, "But blood tests are more accurate so..."

"That's true," the dark haired doctor conceded. "But the odds of three regular tests being wrong are pretty slim. I'd say you'd be safe to book an appointment with OB to get this test done."

Quickly shaking her head, April grabbed the blood draw needle again and prepared to to the test, "No! They share a floor with peds! And you know how the nurses talk up there, and-and if Alex found out and then it was a false positive I'd feel terrible...and if it's true i don't want him hearing it from the gossip train. This way I can find out sooner...one way or another."

Callie swallowed and tried to hide her reaction. This was so not a false positive. She knew it was stupid, but April just wanted to be as certain as humanly possible before she fully accepted the fact she was pregnant.

"Okay, okay, calm down. Take a breath," Callie reached forward and took the needle from April's uncertain hands. "How about I help you out then? We can run the blood here. I'll wait with you. "

April nodded quietly and allowed Torres to carefully draw the needed blood. They set up the test parameters using the lab's tools and began to run the test. She felt the panic welling up in her chest again, and felt irrationally glad that Callie was there. Though she knew that the other doctor probably thought she was crazy. Dr. Torres had never exactly hidden the fact that April sometimes got on her nerves. While they waited, Callie offered to give April's leg a quick check and it was all she could do to keep still and quiet, while the other doctor poked and prodded her knee.

The short wait was agonizing. But when the time came, it was almost too much for April to read the results. She stared blankly and sat frozen on the stool, unable to bring herself to read the test conclusions. Callie sat nearby, her eyes flicking almost impatiently between April and the blood test readouts. Tentatively, she reached across and lifted the analysis from the lab table.

"Do you want me to...?"

Nodding, April gulped and stared at her hands as she tightly clasped them in her lap. She carefully lifted her gaze and watched the other doctor carefully read the blood analysis. Callie's brow furrowed and she quickly scanned the results.

"Fourth test's the charm unfortunately...you are definitely pregnant. All the indicators are there," she said finally, pointing to a few lines of the test. "11 or 12 weeks according to your chorionic gonadotropin levels..."

April sighed feeling slightly numb. 12 weeks. Her mind raced back to August and she vaguely remembered a lovely though sloppy evening spent with Alex on the couch in the heat of late summer. A broken AC had driven them to the only room with a really useful fan. And that was that, she supposed. Pregnant. Those first three tests had been right.

"I take it this isn't exactly planned?" Callie asked in response to her non-reaction.

April shrugged and shook her head, inexplicably laughing, "No."

"You guys think you'll...uh keep it, right?"

"Oh, of course!" No question there. Not for April. None.

April's mind was a jumbled mess of two completely conflicting emotions. On the one hand se was overcome with fear. She was scared. Terrified actually. More scared than she could ever remember feeling. Worse than facing down a gunman. Worse than being trapped in an earthquake. April was going to be a mother. She knew she was very much the 'Type A' personality. She'd never done very well with situations that were out of her control. And this one had just sprung up on her.

But there was another part of herself that was elated, and filled with joy. April had always wanted to have a family. When she was little she'd played dolls with her sisters and pretended they were real, and named them and all of that. Her own family was large, so April had always assumed that she'd end up with a big family too. But then her post high school dating woes, medical school, and her injury had made the dream fade somewhat. Until she'd started dating Alex. Until now.

"Well," the orthopedic surgeon continued, ignoring the fact that April was completely lost in thought. "It actually explains a lot about your leg. There's nothing wrong with the apparatus, just the ware pattern. Your center of balance is probably already starting to shift, which puts different stresses on the knee. I can help with pain management until after you deliver...and then we'll probably have to revisit surgery sometime after that to realign some things but don't worry..."

Now it was all more than a dream. More than some distant hope. This was a real thing. Had already been a real thing for about 2 months. Somewhere inside of April, cells containing half of her DNA and half of Alex's were multiplying and dividing. Growing into a baby. Her baby. And whatever fears she had, April suddenly realized that she loved this tiny little person more than she could ever have imagined was possible even just a few short moments before. It was like a light switch. April went from feeling nothing more than fear to feeling consumed by her love for her unborn child.

Callie was still talking, "You should schedule something with OB...I used Dr. Fields mostly, but a few times I saw Dr. McCaw, and he was pretty good..."

She suddenly burst into full fledged tears, burying her face in her hands and rocking forward on her stool. Callie reached over and patted April's back comfortingly.

"This just got really  _really_  real," April said, smiling slightly, and whipping her eyes. "I have no idea how to tell Alex. I mean, we never really thought...I thought we'd plan this. I thought we'd be ready."

"Yeah," Callie agreed. "I know what that feels like...but don't get overwhelmed. Becoming a parent is..." she shook her head. "One of the most terrifying biggest life changes you can ever experience. But it's also one of the best. Your kid is your kid, and the universe sends them to you when they are supposed to be sent. It'll work out. Arizona, Mark, and I never believed it could at first, but now it's all okay. We're happy, and Sofia is happy. You will be too. You'll figure it out. Congratulations."

You'll figure it out. You will. You'll figure it out.

The phrase kept April going as she coasted throughout the rest of her day. She still didn't have a plan, or anything really, but her spirits were stragnely high throughout the rest of her shift. Well, why shouldn't she be happy? She'd just found out she was going to have a baby. She was allowed to be happy about it. Her already perky demeanor was even more pronounced as she worked with injured patients, other, more cranky, attendings, and overly competitive residents. But, as the end of the day drew closer and closer, April's elation began to be laced with more and more panic.

April loved Alex, more than he knew, and she was probably better at understanding him than most people, but she could never be quite sure how he would respond to new things. And this was a  _big_  thing. His moods could still be unpredictable, though April thought that they were very much linked to his own personal confidence. If Alex was feeling good about himself, he'd just be surprised, but he probably wouldn't freak out. If his day had been crappy...April didn't know how he'd respond.

Having a child was definitely something that would throw him for a loop. His own family life had only just started to get better. Alex's father had abused his wife and children and had eventually left after Alex had stood up to him. All three Karev kids had spent years in the foster care system. Alex's mother and brother Aaron had mental disorders. Aaron was institutionalized. Amber had been a mildly troubled teen, but had managed to turn it around and was settling in nicely at UW Seattle. Much of what Alex had learned about family would probably make him afraid of having his own. April knew his deepest darkest fear was that he would turn into his father. She knew that would never happen, but she also knew that Alex didn't believe that.

At the end of the work day, Alex met April in the locker room and seemed to be in the best of spirits. Quickly changing into her street clothes, April eyed him carefully, and speaking as calmly as possible,"How'd it go today? I heard the board is really interested. Dr. Bailey said you did really well."

Alex smirked as they walked to the car, "It went okay, I guess. I didn't get kicked out." He tossed his lapcoat into his locker and turned to face her. "Missed you at lunch. You see Callie about your leg?"

April could tell that Alex was downplaying how things had gone. Alex didn't like to play up his own accomplishments, but he did seem proud enough today.

"Yeah," April squeaked, trying to hide her emotions, and not reveal what had really transpired. "She...she said I need to use my cane m-more." That wasn't a lie. Not really.

"I know you hate it, but that's not so bad, April."

She smiled slightly, "No. It isn't." Not bad at all. He didn't even know just how not bad it was.

Walking to the car, they chatted pleasantly, though April felt a little bit awkward. She wrung her hands in her lap after she got into the car. Alex began driving them home and returned to the subject of the Malawi Project, "Robbins thinks we have a real shot..."

"She does? That's good."

April knew she should probably wait to tell Alex she was pregnant. Plan some clever elaborate reveal. Stick a positive pregnancy test somewhere he'd find it. Or hide a pair of baby shoes inside his favorite sneakers. Or something. It was a big deal, a momentous occasion, so it should get something big, right? Then again she'd found out after rather unceremoniously peeing on three sticks and having a friend test her blood. Should Alex get anything better?

April had never been good at keeping secrets. So she wasn't really surprised when she just blurted it out, without intending to. In hindsight April realized she actually probably should have waited until they were home.

They pulled onto the I-5 freeway and Alex continued to speak, while April listened distractedly,"Yeah, maybe if it all goes well, I might be spending several months next summer in Africa, setting the program up. One of the board members...uh, Mimi Bullit I think...some rich old lady, she offered to pick up the travel expenses for me, if the grants get approved. Said she'd pay for all the participating doctors actually. Who has that much freaking money anyway? Whatever, at least she's doing good stuff with it."

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, "You could come too. We wouldn't have to work the whole time. We'd check out Africa! Sort of like a could both make a go of it. How would next summer in Nambosi sound?"

"Impossible," April replied truthfully. If she was 11 or 12 weeks pregnant that meant that she was due in May. Next summer, they would have a small baby to take care of. So, next summer in Africa was out of the question. At least for April, but probably Alex too.

"Okay, I get you being nervous or whatever about going over there with your leg, but it'd be fine, I'm sure. Nambosi could really use us and-"

"It's not my leg," April interrupted, letting her thoughts spill out loud. "It's the baby."

The car slowed as Alex's head snapped to the right, "The what? What are you talking about?"

Oops. April's eyes widened as she realized she'd spoken aloud. Well, so much for figuring something special out. She realized she had to explain as simply as she could, "Uh, I'm...I'm pregnant."

"Seriously? You're freakin' serious?"

"Yeah," April fumbled. "I found out today. I thought maybe...since I've been late, and sick and-so I took some tests...and I'm about 12 weeks..."

Alex swallowed harshly and took a deep breath and turned his focus back on the road, so all April could see of his face was his profile. Her heart sank as she saw his eyes brows lower and his jaw tighten. His knuckles where white on the steering wheel. He wasn't saying anything and April wasn't sure what he was thinking. Damn it. She shouldn't have just blindsided him like that. She felt guilty.

"Alex?"

Flicking the blinker on, Alex suddenly guided the car into the far right lane and exited onto a side street. April was confused because the neighborhood was nowhere near theirs. She glanced out the window anxiously as Alex drove the car into a grocery car lot and parked. He was still silent and they sat in the car quietly as April's panic increased. She'd screwed this up royally. She felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes and she held her head in her hands again as she waited for Alex to speak. Why didn't he say something? Anything. He wasn't even looking at her.

"Say something. Please?"

April felt sick as the silence between them felt like an eternity, before Alex slowly turned to face her and reached over and touched her shoulder with a surprisingly gently hand.

"You shouldn't freakin' pull stuff like that when I'm driving!" he said sharply, though the soft expression on his face and the humor in his eyes put April more at ease.

She let out a shuddering breath as Alex continued, wincing as he gestured to her midsection, "Especially now, I guess. My kid's in there. Jesus."

April laughed through her tears. Alex was surprised. This whole thing wasn't something he'd seen coming. It would definitely mess up Alex's vision for the Malawi project. And he may not be entirely happy, but he didn't seem angry about the baby per say. Or at least, she didn't think so. He was just afraid he'd have gotten them in an accident. That was perfectly understandable. She knew she'd probably could have handled the whole thing better if she had just kept her big mouth shut. And the way he'd said 'my kid'? Well, that had made something inside April click. It had made her believe Callie's words. Alex was on board if he was already thinking about 'his kid'.

"I thought the pill was supposed to prevent stuff like this..."

"Nothing is 100%."

"Clearly," Alex smirked and took her hand, "No match for Karev swimmers."

April rolled her eyes and he shrugged, "Whatever."

They'd figure something out. They would.

Alex gulped and ran his hand down April's back, "You happy about this?"

"I think I am. I'm really happy."


	3. Chapter 3

At the sound of the doorbell, Alex glanced up from his beer, zoning out of his conversation with Cristina. His eyes immediately focused April, decked out in a witches costume as she enthusiastically opened to door. Of course she'd opted to dress up for their little party. She loved holiday crap.

"Trick or treat!" a very loud and screechy chorus of voices drifted in from outside.

"Oh my goodness! What do we have here?"

Alex found that he was oddly more observant of her in the two days since he'd found out she was pregnant. Just to make sure she was alright or whatever. Alex still hadn't fully processed the whole thing. Like at all. The whole idea of a baby seemed very abstract. Because it was hard to think of 12 week old fetus as an actual kid.

Then again, Alex had done enough OB stuff with Addison back in the day to know that right now their baby already had fingers and toes. And eyes that were probably almost where they were supposed to be, and a face that didn't look completely alien. He knew that the 12th week is when reflexes usually start to develop. The fingers and toes could flex in response to stimuli and the brain was forming synapses at a rapid pace. Pretty baby-like, he supposed.

Even so, none if it had sunk in. Actually, Alex figured they were a little late to the game. Usually couples who were trying to get pregnant religiously monitored, and found out sooner than this. He knew that April had suspected for a while though, so he figured she'd been a little chicken in actually taking the test to find out. He could hardly blame her.

To be honest, Alex was still a little stunned about the whole turn of his life actually. He wasn't screwing up at work. His sister was settling into her second year of college with no major issues. He was going to get married again. They were gonna have a kid. Something had to give somewhere. Alex was positive it would happen. In his life, the other shoe always dropped. Just when you were supposed to get your happily ever after and all that, things crashed and burned.

Actually, that was a huge part of the reason why Alex wasn't freaking out as much as he probably should. For crying out loud what child would ever want him as a father? Kid certainly hadn't done anything yet to deserve getting saddled with all Alex's Karev crap. Hopefully, they'd be lucky and this baby wouldn't get the Karev crazy. The thought was almost enough to stop Alex's heart with fear, but he couldn't let it. He couldn't think about it. His fear of the other shoe dropping was also the reason he was drawn to keeping an eye on April, and controlling his emotions. Because she'd freak out if he did and he definitely didn't want her to get all stressed out. And normally she freaked out over everything!

Even though she kept telling Alex how happy she was, April had also said things over the past few days that made him absolutely certain that she was a lot more scared and anxious than she'd let on.

He remembered when they got home that first night she'd told him she was pregnant. They'd left the grocery store parking lot in stunned silence, but Alex could see out of the corner of his eye that April was anxiously twisting and untwisting the edge of her coat.

When they got home, she'd started to ramble, "I guess this means we need to think about moving the wedding date, I mean in February...I'll be-I'll be 6 months pregnant, and I don't want to b-be huge at the wedding. People...my relatives will-I mean, my Grandma Murhpy...s-she's like 90! She doesn't even believe people should live together before they get married, let alone have premarital sex...me as a pregnant bride would just be too much and she already has heart palpa-"

Alex had shut April up by pulling her into a kiss. It was all he could think of as a distraction. He wasn't at all ready to worry about crap like the wedding. February had seemed too close for a big who-ha and ceremony, baby or not. They should probably just wait. Do one thing at a time. He'd had bad luck with big nice weddings anyway. So Alex had kissed her, and she'd wrapped her arms around his neck, and the next minute they'd been stumbling over to the bed.

Once they started making out it was always hard for Alex to keep his hands off of April, and it seemingly as difficult for her not to push forward with him. That night hadn't been any different. One thing led to another, and Alex knew that this was how they'd ended up getting pregnant in the first place. Whatever. Sure as hell beat talking. But Alex knew the sex hadn't really done anything to stop April's whirring mind, or alleviate her fears about the wedding and everything else.

In fact, since then she'd also expressed concern her knee needing surgery, their ability to afford to move to their own place, her ability to be a parent, and the affect a baby might have on her career. Which Alex realized were all valid enough concerns, but he also knew how neurotic April could be. If she'd mentioned these things to him, he knew she'd been thinking and stressing about them more than she'd let on. He really wished he could help her chill out more. Because it didn't do any good to worry about everything all the time.

Okay, maybe his strategy of total avoidance wasn't much better, but Alex knew that he and April didn't have to get it all figured out right now. A lot of what April was worried about couldn't even be dealt with until after the kid was born anyway.

There was that strange new concept again. A kid. Their kid.

Also didn't help that they hadn't told people yet. Only Callie knew about the pregnancy because she'd helped April take her blood test. And Torres wasn't going to tell their secret. April wanted to wait at least until their appointment next week with OB. Which made sense. They should find out if everything was okay or whatever.

But Alex still felt weird. He was having a baby, and in the same way he found it hard not to keep an extra close eye on April, Alex found it difficult not to tell everyone. He kind of wanted to shout it out to the world. Because even though this kid was unlucky enough to have him as a dad, he already loved them fiercely. And April was going to be the mom, so Alex figured it would balance out. No matter what fears she had about it all.

As much as he wanted to flip shit right now he couldn't. He figured his turn to freak out would come eventually. Now Alex just wanted to keep things together enough for April to keep calm. Hold everything in. It was the best he could do. Especially considering the fact that she was the one who was doing all the work growing the kid or whatever. He'd put in enough time in obstetrics to know that stress and stuff wasn't good to have during pregnancy. Alex didn't want that for April or the baby.

"So, I'm doing a cardio skills lab and the idiot intern...Alex?" Cristina had noticed his distraction and was now leaning forward and eying April as she gave out candy. Her eyes flicked between Alex and the door. "Earth to Dr. Evil Spawn?"

"Yeah…" Alex said absently as he pulled his gaze away. "What?"

"You gonna stop ogling your girlfriend long enough to pay attention to your dear friend who is in town for only a limited amount of time, who you haven't seen in weeks?"

"We're not friends," Alex teased, smirking. "And you're moving back next year. So whatever…"

Cristina smiled, "Right. What am I doing talking to you anyway?"

She still looked a little suspicious, but she didn't pester him about zoning out. Whatever they teased each other, Alex knew Cristina was one of his closest friends. He'd never have thought it would end up like that back at the beginning of their intern year, but now he couldn't imagine it going down any other way. He'd missed Cristina this past year and a half.

April shut the front door and walked past them frowning slightly and holding one bag of candy.

"We're running out of Twix," she told Alex as she past behind his spot on the couch. "No one wants candy corn."

"You're the only person who likes that crap, April," Cristina teased, leaning back.

April pouted and looked at Alex. He shrugged, and added, "Give 'em a choice and chocolate is what they're gonna pick."

April reached into the bag and crammed a handful of the orange, white, and brown candy into her mouth and headed back into the kitchen, where Ben Warren smirked and sipped a beer. She rolled her eyes over her shoulder, mumbling, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Jackson and his new lady friend bail on this?" Cristina asked, obliquely condemning the party as too lame.

"She's not so new anymore..." Alex shrugged, scratching the back of his head. "I think they both have work actually."

"Is Amber going to be making an appearance or…?" Cristina continued mildly, reaching down and grabbing a handful of chips from the coffee table.

"Uh, I doubt it," Alex shook his head. "She said she might, but I'm pretty sure there are better parties and crap happening on campus."

"Duh," Cristina replied. "College parties totally beat hanging out with your boring older brother..."

"Shut up."

His friend smiled, and swallowed a mouthful before saying, "Seriously though, it's good she's doing well."

"Yeah," Alex agreed absently, distracted this time by the front door bursting open. Zola, dressed as a pumpkin, bounded into the living room dragging a matching costumed Lexie by the hand. Sofia was hot on her heels, dressed as a ballerina, followed by Tuck, who was sporting a dinosaur costume. The girls immediately began babbling somewhat incoherently and waving around their bags of candy. For his part, Tuck hadn't run into the room. He came in, lifted his plastic mask, and leaned nonchalantly on the couch, as though he was trying to prove that being five was so much more cool than being three.

Alex smirked as he watched the rest of the adults come into the house. Meredith and Derek and Bailey, smiling, each holding a freaking camera. Sloan and Robbins and Torres followed behind, each dressed up in costumes like April and Lexie. Mark was supposed to be James Bond, while Arizona was freaking Glinda the good witch, and Callie was supposed to be some sort of french artist or something.

Alex had teased them all when they'd shown up in costume, and claimed 'it was all for the kids'.

"Who picked your costumes? Sloan is no Sean Connery."

Callie had raised her eyebrows, and held up one finger, "I  _am_  an artist, a bone artist. Don't believe me? Your girlfriend's leg is my masterpiece."

That had stopped him in his tracks. Alex remembered when April had first gotten hurt and how messed up her leg had been during the earthquake. There was a difference between broken bones and shattered ones. Hers had been shattered. He'd vowed to himself never to take her survival or her recovery for granted again, because almost losing April had been what it had took for Alex to realize his feelings. He was so lucky for everything, even if this pregnancy was unexpected. Torres had reminded him of that. And in a strange way she was partially responsible for Alex and April being where they were today.

"Look UncAlex, look!" Zola pulled Alex back to the moment as she hopped up and down in front of him, barely pausing for breath. "Aunt 'ristina look! Aunt Lexie and me got Yaffy Taffy."

"Nice," Alex replied.

"Quality," Cristina inspected the candy and nodded. "And you get jokes too."

Her goddaughter giggled and continued at full speed, "And we went to da On-ted house, and I...I got scared but Mommy said der weren't ghosteses."

"There weren't any," Lexie agreed fondly.

" _I_  wasn't scared," Tuck added sagely, crossing his arms and tilting his head to one side, somewhat alarmingly like his mother.

Zola stuck her tongue out at him and kept on talking, "And um...then we go blue house and-and...Sofia got a extra-"

"Hey Zola," Derek said calmly as he came into the living room. "Why don't you let Sofia tell everyone by herself?"

Zola was currently a lot more verbal than Sofia. So Torres had mentioned to everyone that they should try to get the little girl to speak for herself as much as possible. Not that Sofia was that far behind for her age really. She was doing exceedingly well for someone born as premature as she was, and she'd gotten many of her milestones on time. She had better hand eye coordination than Zola, loved to run, and was braver at the playground. Talking, she just wasn't as interested in. It didn't help that her best friend could talk until the cows came home.

"Yeah," Alex coaxed, smiling at Sofia. "Tell us what you got."

She shrugged and frowned slightly before pulling a red wrapped kit-kat bar out of her candy sack, whispering, "I...I got thisss..."

Alex suddenly had this strange warm feeling as he looked out at the little girls in front of him. They were so happy and stuff about the holiday or whatever. He realized that this time next year, he'd be a dad. He figured that April would want to dress the kid up, even if they were too young to really trick or treat in a year. From now on his holidays would be more like this one than those before. Alex also figured he'd be safe in betting it was a little girl tucked safe inside of April, using those new reflexes to wriggle and flex. Because the Kepner family only seemed to produce baby girls. He'd bet they were having a daughter. But that wasn't bad at all. If she was anything like her mom, she'd be cute. And if she was anything like Amber she'd be feisty. Alex grinned. And someday she'd be like Zola and Sofia. Whoa. In an instant, the idea of his child became way less abstract.

Freakin' awesome.

"Now we can eat  _everything_!" Tuck said, grinning as he peered into his candy bag.

"Uh-mhmm...think again," Bailey said firmly, expertly removing the bag from her son's hands. " _Last_  thing we need is for you all to get on a sugar high. You may pick  _one_  piece to eat right now."

Robbins chuckled and agreed, expertly snatching her own daughter's bag of candy, "No way you guys can eating  _all_  this candy right now. Save some for later. And remember, April's got caramel apples in the kitchen! At least that has fruit."

Tuck hung his head and sighed dramatically, while Zola and Sofia seemed happy enough. Alex figured you couldn't please everyone. That was universal. Didn't matter if you were 4 or 40.

"Ah, yes! Apples!" Mark said, with exaggerated enthusiasm, as he herded the three kids into the kitchen, followed closely by Derek, Bailey, Torres and Robbins. "Andale, andale! To the kitchen with you!"

Meredith slumped down on the couch next to Alex, reaching for her own handful of chips. He nudged her slightly, and smirked. Lexie hovered in the kitchen doorway, her gaze lingering on Mark. She shook herself a bit and adjusted her pumpkin costume before following them all into the kitchen, leaving Alex, Meredith and Cristina alone in the living room. April and the others were being really nice, kind of respectful or something, of himself, Mer, and Cristina. Giving at least the friends enough space to reconnect in their short visit time.

Alex sighed, still feeling inexplicably happy and stretched his arms across the back of the couch, tapping his fingers on the fabric.

Shaking her head Meredith said, "I think Zola has a new favorite holiday."

Cristina still looked at Alex suspiciously, but commented, "You said that after 4th of July. And Easter. And Christmas."

Mer giggled, and shrugged, "I guess  _every_  holiday is her favorite on that day."

Before Alex had a chance to add anything to the conversation, his ears caught Mark Sloan's voice as it carried into the living room.

"Uh oh! Kepner looks like she's gonna hurl!"

"Leave her alone, Mark," Torres said sharply.

"I'm just saying she-oh...she really  _is_  going to-"

Suddenly, April staggered out of the kitchen, leaning heavily on her cane, with one hand over her mouth. She made a surprisingly quick dash to the downstairs bathroom, and before he even realized it, Alex was hot on her heels too. He knew that morning sickness and nausea or whatever was a normal part of pregnancy and everything, but it still made his chest tight to see her this way, especially knowing that it wasn't just her stomach that was hurting, but her leg too.

"Geez..."

Alex knelt behind April as she hunched over the toilet yet again, moaning pitifully as her stomach contents emptied into the white porcelain bowl. He reached out to touch her back but was surprised to find that she pushed him away with one unsteady arm.

"Leave me alone...p-please," she half whined and half gasped before her face paled again and she turned back to the toilet. "Oh god..."

Alex winced as April retched once more, uncertain of what to do.

"I'm being s-sick," she gasped again. "I don't need you to w-watch me throw up. I wanna be alone...just-get out! Get out! Can you do that? Can you just- Oh..oh..."

He could kind of understand April, but that didn't stop the words from stinging Alex slightly. He just wanted to  _do_ something. Hold her hair or rub her shoulders. To help somehow. Jesus! Unable to contain his frustration, he glowered and stood up, mumbling, "Whatever."

As Alex exited the bathroom and carefully shut the door behind him, muffling the sounds of her puking from the rest of the house. He sat down in a huff on the couch again, glowering at a wide eyed Meredith and Cristina.

He shrugged and fumbled for an explanation that didn't reflect his frustration or sound totally bogus, "It's what she gets for eating all that freaking candy corn."

Feeling two sets of eyes watching him closely Alex crossed his arms and shrugged again, "I was trying to be a good fiancee and crap, you can't tell me I wasn't... _she_  kicked  _me_ out...Stop looking at me!"

"Oh my god!" Cristina exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "I figured it out!"

"What?" Mer leaned forward eagerly.

"Why Alex has been all gooey-eyed over the tiny tots!"

"What?" Mer pressed again.

"And you said April's been acting all weird..."

"Yeah?"

Cristina elbowed Alex, "You knocked Kepner up didn't you?"

"Shut up!" Alex felt his cheeks flush, and tried to stand up and walk away from his friends. Neither Meredith nor Cristina would have it, and the two of them pulled him back down to the couch between them.

"And before the wedding too," Cristina continued. " _Way_  classy."

After a flicker of something solemn, Mer grinned, "Seriously?"

"You did, didn't you?" Cristina was freakin' smiling too. "You so did. Look at his face."

The corners of his mouth twitched. Even though he was kind of peeved about April kicking him out, Alex found it hard not to smile little bit, thinking of his kid. With fingers and toes and reflexes. His future daughter.

"Okay..." he said finally, unable to control his smirk. "April is pregnant. But...we haven't er, told anyone yet though...so don't go blabbing it around."

"Wow. Congratulations," Meredith said earnestly.

"Spawn is spawning. The world should be worried," Cristina grinned.

"Shut up."

* * *

April sniffed loudly, and used a hand to dab at her tears. Next to her, Alex shoved a wad of tissue, as she struggled to control herself. She smiled gratefully and blew her nose. April felt bad. She'd been so hot and cold with Alex lately and she didn't know how to prevent it. It seemed like they were bickering constantly. He was doing his best, and he was being really great. She was just a bundle of emotions that seemed to flip on a switch. She felt like she was just along for the ride. April knew it was because of her pregnancy hormones and everything, but on top of all her other anxieties, her unpredictable moods were making her even more nervous. It had been a hell of a week.

Although today, right at this very moment, sitting in the doctors office, April thought she had the right to be blubbering. After all she'd just heard the sound of her child's heartbeat for the very first time. And gotten a fleeting glimpse of the baby on the ultrasound. Most perfect little gray blob April had ever seen. Everything was so real. There was a heartbeat! Loud and clear and string. Alive. She thought she could allow herself to be emotional over that.

Alex reached his hand over to the armrest on her chair, holding out the little copy of the ultrasound image that the technician had printed, for her to see, "Pretty cool."

"Yeah," April replied finally getting a handle of herself and wiping the last of her tears away. She grinned at him, slipping one hand into his. Alex was being so sweet, almost uncharacteristically, but she was still worried about his response to the pregnancy. He and Arizona's proposal to the board had been approved, but the grants were still a little bit in limbo because neither of them would be able to go to Africa for an extended amount of time in the near future to administer the funds and lay the ground word for the project. It would have been perfect for Alex, a great way to finish his fellowship and kick start his career as a full attending. April didn't have any fellowship work that was nearly as grand as the Africa project, but many of her own projects and training programs were also in danger of being put on hold too.

Which was kind of her fault. Her body's anyway. Because apparently the pill wasn't enough. She sighed. Freakin' peppy ovaries. Sort of, anyway. April knew Alex was frustrated that his project was stalled somewhat, but no matter how much she tried to get him to open up, he wasn't talking about it with her. Alex didn't seem to want to talk at all. Every time April tried, he just...and then they ended up... _well_. She couldn't really complain about that.

April glanced up when the OB, Gavin McCaw strode in, all smiles, clicking his pen and carrying her chart. She'd followed Callie's advice, and so far she found she liked Dr. McCaw, he was young, having only just finished his OB/GYN fellowship three years ago. He was calm and had a sunny disposition that appealed to April right now. But she also suspected that those were the very reasons Alex was a little terse with the other doctor. He sniffed and crossed his arms when the other man came in, making April feel suddenly irritated. So what if he didn't like her doctor? She liked McCaw, and planned to keep him, and that was that.

She couldn't stop herself from tossing a glare in Alex's direction, which made his forehead wrinkle in confusion. Of course, only a second later, April felt very silly. Alex wasn't very friendly with with most people. And he'd never even said anything about not liking Dr. McCaw, or making April pick a new doctor. She was just being... _ridiculous_  once again. April winced and gave Alex and apologetic smile as Dr. McCaw began to speak.

"Okay guys," he said brightly. "That first ultrasound is something, huh? I've had a chance to look at your chart and your blood work, as well as the scan. Things are looking really good. I see good growth and no abnormalities. Mom is young and fit. Baby is very healthy."

April released a breath that she didn't even realize she was holding. It was healthy. The baby was healthy. That was amazing. They'd been waiting to tell people until after they new it was all okay. We'll sort of. At least, she didn't think Alex had told anyone. April had trouble keeping secrets in general, and this was almost too much to bear. She hadn't been able to _not_  tell Jackson. He remained her very best friend, and when she'd bumped into him at work the day after she'd found out, April hadn't been able to stop herself from telling him. Jackson's eyes and lit up and he'd grinned, uttering a surprised, "Really? That's wonderful. You'll be a great mom." Which was exactly the boost to her confidence that April had needed. Then they'd hugged, and he'd agreed not to share the news until April and Alex were ready. She didn't feel so bad about it. Jackson was trustworthy. April was sure Alex wouldn't mind.

"Uh, growth's good?" Alex asked. "I mean, everything looks fine?"

"Absolutely, Dad," Dr. McCaw replied, making Alex wince and April giggle. It was kind of weird to hear themselves refered to as 'Mom' and 'Dad'.

"It's  _Dr._  Karev..."

Dr. McCaw shrugged, "Of course, Dr. Karev. Right now, I'd say Baby is about the size of a lime, which is well within the acceptable range for this gestational age. Sometime in early May, you two should have a healthy baby. However, I would like to ask a few questions about both of your family histories to see if anything warrants further, more comprehensive and invasive screening. Based on what I am seeing here, I doubt you'll need it, but it never hurts to ask. Do either of you have any family history of genetic or chromosomal abnormalities, or problems in pregnancy?"

"Not really," April bit her lip and looked at the ceiling, while Alex shrugged. "Well," she amended. "One of my cousins has Down Syndrome. And...my sister Libby had preeclampsia with her second daughter..."

McCaw clicked his pen and then began scribbling in her chart. He glanced up to her reassuringly and said, "Good to know, but I can say that based on the test results I have now, I think it is very unlikely your baby has downs. That's something we can already look for in a basic blood exam. Your baby has none of the markers, so I still don't think there is a need for more invasive tests at this juncture, unless you insist on them. We can keep an eye on you for preeclampsia as your pregnancy continues."

April nodded, feeling relief again.

"Dr. Karev?" McCaw continued, smiling nervously at a sullen and suddenly defensive looking Alex. "Any family conditions we should be worrying about?"

"Oh, not much," Alex replied sarcastically. "My kid brother and my mom are crazy..."

"Alex!"

"I-I'm afraid I don't really understand-" Dr. McCaw continued, his eyes darting back and forth between April, Alex, and her chart.

Shaking her head April interrupted, "He means that his brother and his mother have some mental issues, paranoid delusions and that sort of thing. They are in treatment, but it's hard for them to function without assistance at the moment."

"Ah," McCaw nodded and pursed his lips as he held eye contact with Alex. "I'm afraid we can't really a test for that sort of condition at this point."

"Right," Alex snorted, turning away from both April and Dr. McCaw. "We'll just find out on accident someday when the kid tries to kill someone."

April sniffed and stared at her hands, feeling a strange mixture of anger, pity, fear, and embarrassment. She could understand Alex's concerns. His mother's condition had shattered his childhood, and his brother's condition had messed up his sister's. It was more than a valid concern. Hell, April had considered what it might mean if her child did inherit the conditions Alex's relatives had and the idea terrified her. There was always a chance.

And it frustrated April all the more because it was something Alex still rarely talked about. They'd certainly  _never_  talked about what it might mean when they had a family. Granted, both Alex and April had thought they'd have more time before they had children, but he'd never offered more than the barest minimum of details about his family's problems. Even now. April had only been able to learn what conditions they actually had from talking with Amber. She just wished he would open up and talk to her more about it. That was all.

In her own considerations on dealing with a child that had a mental condition, April had concluded that it would be utterly devastating but she knew she would still love him or her. And it was probably a her, knowing her family. Four sisters; four nieces. April couldn't actually remember the last male born into either side of the family without marrying in. It actually might be her Dad or one of her cousin's kids. She already loved this baby so much and no condition they could  _ever_  have would change that. And, if her child did have paranoid schizophrenia, or depression or whatever, April would make damned sure they got the right help. Much sooner than Aaron or Rita Karev had gotten it.

"While I agree that there is a genetic component to mental disorders, I think environment also plays a big factor. Also consider that April brings an entirely different gene pool into the equation," McCaw cut into the awkward silence.

"And, since you are both very aware of Dr. Karev's family background, I think it puts you in a better position to enforce early treatment should the need ever arise. You'll be watching, you might see signs earlier, if they are there. And do remember that these conditions often range in severity. Sometimes knowledge is power. However, I want to be perfectly clear when I tell you that there is no reason to believe this baby has inherited any of your family's conditions. Just because your mother and brother are affected, does not mean that your child will be."

"Whatever," Alex mumbled, looking at his feet.

April smiled apologetically at Dr. McCaw, knowing that Alex would probably never want to speak much about his family. She still felt that he wouldn't seem so rude to the OB, if he'd have just talked about his concerns with her before hand. Then she could have planned how to handle it better.

"Okay...well," Dr. McCaw cleared his throat and clicked his pen again, flipping through the chart once more, seemingly unfazed by Alex's silent and sullen expression. "Moving on...I have another question, more for you April. Your own records indicate that you do have a prescription for the pill. I know your a physician, so I'm sure you know to do this, but I just wanted to make sure...you've stopped taking it yes?"

"Oh! Y-yes," she replied. "Of course. As soon as I knew..."

McCaw added another scribble to April's chart and glanced up again flicking his gaze between her and Alex who continued to look everywhere but the other man, "And this was prescribed exclusively for birth control?"

Didn't work very well.

"That would probably be why it's called the  _birth control_ pill," Alex muttered under his breath, just loudly enough for everyone to hear.

April rolled her eyes. He knew as well as she did that the pill did have other applications. Dr. McCaw was obviously trying to see if she had other underlying conditions that caused irregular cycles that he should be aware of such as PCOS, or endometriosis. Alex was just finding excuses to be a jerk. She glared and all he did was shuffle his feet on the linoleum floor.

"Actually," April replied, knowing that she'd have to tell the truth. "It  _was_  prescribed for birth control, but also to-to regulate things..."

She flushed and ducked her head, strangely uncomfortable talking about this sort of stuff with Alex in the room. Odd that it was easier to talk about this with your doctor, a virtual stranger, than with your fiancee, who you'd lived with for the past two years. But somehow April thought it would have been easier to talk about without Alex around. Though, he did seem to still be frustrated and oblivious as he continued to squeak his shoes on the shiny floor.

"Things haven't been...uh," April continued, haltingly, gesturing vaguely with her hands. "Completely normal since..."

She reached to the side of her chair and fumbled with the smooth handle of her cane, "I mean I was always  _super_ regular, unless I was stressed or something...but then the earthquake happened and..."

Shrugging, April cleared her throat and stared at her own feet. God, this felt mortifying.

"Your cycle got kind of messed up after your accident," Dr. McCaw thankfully concluded for her. She nodded and he continued, still making an effort to include Alex in the conversation by looking his direction, "It was a traumatic event and physiologically so were the surgeries that followed. It's a very understandable side affect. To be honest, irregularity like this would be a concern to me if you were  _trying_  to get pregnant. Clearly, in this case that wasn't a problem. However, it is something you should be aware of in the future. If you ever decide to expand your family, it's something you should keep in mind."

Alex finally seemed to be paying more serious attention, at least toward April because he glanced up from his shoes finally, and held her gaze for a moment. His eyes, to April's relief, contained the same sentiment as her own. Now was definitely not the time to worry about all of that. Especially when it might never even be a problem. She just wanted to focus on this handling this pregnancy and this baby.

"Lastly," McCaw continued, writing in the chart again and turning back to April. "I want to say that I think the biggest concerns I have for this pregnancy have to do with your stress levels and balance. Looking at your vitals today, I found that you had an elevated heart rate, and it seems to be a somewhat frequent occurrence for you, according to your charts from your stay at Seattle Grace last year."

April shifted guiltily. Ironically, she knew that her heart rate was increasing at that very moment because of her guilt. She knew she was a very highly strung person, and that it did cause her a lot more stress than she observed that other people had. She was working on being a bit more laid back, but sometimes April still found it difficult to avoid getting stressed out.

"Balance is also an issue. I see that you are beginning to use your walking stick again, and I think that is excellent. The larger you get, the more prone to a falling pregnant women become. You are at a higher risk already," McCaw said kindly.

Alex nudged her slightly and made a face, skeptically mouthing 'walking stick?'

"So your homework Mom, is to relax. Try to stay calm. Do things that make you feel happy. Take long baths, maybe coax Dad here to give you a massage, meditate..." the OB continued. "And you also just need to be extra vigilant about how you move. Remember the fable, 'slow and steady wins the race'."

Easier said than done. April was a trauma surgeon. Moving slowly and carefully wasn't exactly the way things worked in the ER. But she had a good set of colleagues, residents and interns that she trusted to pick up for her inability to do certain physical things. They would and could if need be.

She nodded and said, "Okay. Thank you, Dr. McCaw."

The OB laid her chart down on a cart and held his pen with the fingers of both his hands, "Not a problem. I hope this is going to be a fun journey for both of you, and I'll do what I can to keep things smooth sailing. Do either of you have any questions?"

April shook her head. The doctor had certainly covered a lot of what she had been concerned about for the time being, and had alleviated a few of her fears. To her shock, however, Alex spoke.

"What about puking?"

McCaw pulled his lips into a half smile and took the opportunity to give Alex a taste of his own medicine by replying sarcastically, "Dad's been having some puke problems?"

" _No_ ," Alex huffed, squinting at the other doctor. "Look: I've worked with pregnant women before, and to me it just seems like April's been having more severe morning sickness comparatively...so I'm just asking...is there anything that can be done to, you know, help her keep stuff down?"

Just when April had been getting frustrated and fed up with her fiancee's attitude and behavior throughout the whole appointment, he had to go and be all thoughtful and protective. She didn't really think her bouts of vomiting and nausea were that bad, although admittedly she had no real marker to compare it too. Now that they'd had this appointment and could begin telling people, April knew she'd consult her mom and her sisters about morning sickness at the very least. Probably Callie too. And it usually didn't last beyond the first trimester, so she wasn't hadn't been worried. But April thought it was sweet that Alex was.

Damn. He made it  _so_  hard to stay mad.

"Well," McCaw replied seriously. "Nausea is a normal symptom. April doesn't appear to be suffering from actual malnutrition or dehydration as a result. It also doesn't appear to be interfering with her daily functioning...work and the like..."

April nodded in agreement and he continued, "So, I don't think that I need to prescribe anti-nausea medication at this time, unless you requested it. My best advice would be to accommodate any the food cravings or aversions you have. Some more 'folk' type remedies you could think about trying are drinking ginger ale, or tea. My wife found that eating saltine crackers before she got out of bed was a major help. Some say cabbage makes a difference, but  _please_  don't quote me on that..."

The last comment made April laugh, and even Alex had a small smirk.

"Okay," Dr. McCaw said. "I will be seeing all of you at the next appointment. Oh! Be thinking about whether or not you want to find out Baby's sex in advance. In the next several weeks we should be able to determine gender via ultrasound..."

Alex leaned over and smirked in April's direction, "Oh, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a girl..."

"Really?" April smiled. "Me too!"

He shrugged, "You have a billion sisters."

McCaw chuckled as he made his way out of the exam room, calling over his shoulder, "Well alright, we'll see if you two are right. 50/50 odds.

After they were alone, Alex snorted, "You're a Kepner, you've got a house advantage."

Shaking her head, April used her cane to pull herself into a standing position, "You're ridiculous."

And  _so_ hard to stay angry with.

"I repeat," Alex agreed, rising also. "A  _billion_  sisters! Those odds are steep!"

* * *

Meredith carefully pulled her car into her driveway, parking next to Derek's. She sighed and rested her head on the steering wheel for a moment, pausing to collect herself and letting a story about the middle east finish on NPR. It had been a long shift. She'd had 3 surgeries in a row, and one of the tumors she'd operated on had required her to work with Dr. Sloan to split open the patient's soft pallet. She knew it was one of the most difficult surgeries to recover from, and she felt mildly guilty that that was the most effective way to remove the tumor. Meredith knew that wasn't the only reason she'd been down lately, but it was the only one she was willing to acknowledge.

When the story finished, she turned of the car's engine and headed into the house. It wasn't like the day hadn't had it's bright spots though. Alex and April had finally told everyone over lunch that they were having a baby. Alex had been all shrugs and mutters, while April had seemed unable to stop smiling or to prevent her cheeks from turning deeper and deeper shades of red. Congratulations had been offered all around along with the requisite amount of good-natured ribbing.

Of course, it was humorously clear to Meredith that to at least three people at the table, namely herself, Jackson and Miranda Bailey, the announcement had been no surprise. She'd found out from Alex the previous weekend, Jackson said that April had let slip to him sometime last week, and apparently Bailey had suspected for a while. Callie also seemed to know too. But it wasn't entirely obvious yet. April wasn't really showing. She was just a little thicker around the middle, and had been using her cane more. The news did explain to Meredith why Kepner had been acting strange lately, even for her.

Sighing Meredith, dumped her purse and coat onto the living room couch. She was happy for Alex and April. Really, she was. They deserved to be happy. Alex deserved every happy ending he could get. And she'd long thought he'd be a brilliant father. And she thought April was the kind of person who fit the 'mom' type of bill. Meredith was happy for them. Really. She was.

It was just hard. Because Meredith could tell that this pregnancy wasn't planned. And a small part of her felt jealous. Because it seemed that April had just gotten pregnant. Just like that. And even though it had nothing to do with her, it reminded Meredith of the pain of her own miscarriage and infertility struggles. It was always like this when a friend of their first became pregnant, even though she knew she'd found peace with the whole thing. Zola was her baby. She'd been meant to be their baby. That still didn't completely dull the pain of her loss. She thought it might take a lifetime to completely reconcile, but she had found peace. And she wasn't about to let her own sadnesses dampen the happiness she had for her friends but also the happiness in her own life.

Shaking herself slightly, Meredith make her way through her living room and dining room to the kitchen. The place was unusually quiet. A smile came to her face as she looked out the back sliding glass window as caught sight of Derek and Zola as they ostensibly raked the leaves. There were only a few garbage bags filled and it looked more like her husband had racked the dead leaves into neat piles and tossed the little girl on top.

Sliding the door open and walking out onto the deck, Meredith exclaimed, "Here you are!"

"Mommy! You home!" Zola shrieked gleefully, running up and pulling her into a hug. How could you feel sorry for yourself when you had this little girl who was so happy to see you.

Meredith pulled her daughter close, "Are you doing yard work? Are you helping Daddy on his day off?"

"We rwaked!"

"You did a really good job Zola," Derek added, leaning against his rake and smiling. "Smashed all my piles."

Zola turned to her father and giggled, wiggling her shoulders and breaking away to run back into the back yard and launching herself at a pile of leaves. "Look at me!"

Derek climbed up on the deck and gave Meredith a kiss on the cheek wrapping one arm around her shoulder, "How was today?"

"It was okay," she replied. "Good actually. Did you hear the news?"

"About Karev and Kepner? Yeah," Derek said watching her closely. "Mark texted me."

"Of course he did, the gossip..."

Zola was running around the back yard throwing handfuls of leaves, laughing. They let her run. She was having a good time and it would tire her out a little before dinner.

"It's good for them. Alex has come a long away," Derek continued. "April too, really. I think they can be good parents. You feel...okay about it?"

Meredith smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. He knew her so well. "I..I do. I am okay. I'm happy for them."

"Good. Me too," Derek whispered into her hair.

"I think they are both a little terrified though..."

"It's pretty scary becoming a parent."

"I need to talk to Alex...and April too," Meredith added.

"About the house?"

"I'm not desperate to fill it up with resident renters, Derek. They can stay as long as they like. I mean I need to help them...be there for them."

"What? We're the parenting experts now?"

"No, but it's nice to know you have support," she replied, remembering how much her friends had been there for herself and Derek when they thought they'd lost Zola. Alex had felt exceptionally guilty over his role in the whole thing, and so had been a pillar of support for her. He'd said that giving up was lame. And eventually she'd believed him. Now Meredith wanted to return the favor.

"Well," Derek continued. "I have some gossip that you probably don't know!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes. Mark Sloan is going to Portland, to see your sister."

"He is?"

"They arranged it at Halloween."

"Finally," Meredith shook her head.

"Finally."

"You think they'll get things sorted out this time?"

"I think that's what Mark wants," Derek answered.

"Lexie too."

"Mommy! Daddy! Play with me!" Zola shouted from the backyard.

"Good for them," Meredith sighed pulling out of Derek's embrace and heading down the deck steps to the grass. "Good for all of us."


	4. Chapter 4

Arms crossed and head tilted to one side, Alex stood in the dimly lit x-ray room, glowering at the scan in front of him. Ellie Andersen, 7 years old, came to the hospital that evening with sudden slurred speech and loss of motion on the left side. He'd known this patient's prognosis was probably not very good, and he was damned if the scans he was looking at just made everything worse. Kid had a brain bleed. Which sucked for her. Which meant she needed emergency surgery. Which meant he'd not be going home slightly early as he planned. In fact, it meant Alex would be really late.

He leaned outside of the small x-ray room and gestured to one of his interns, "Dr. Lacey, page neuro right now, I need a consult."

When the young intern didn't move as quickly as Alex thought she could, Alex growled, "Sometime this year would be nice! MOVE!"

The frightened woman jumped and began to run, and Alex smirked to himself humorlessly. He figured that actually it was probably a good thing for him not to be going home early. Lately, it seemed everything was pissing him off. Not so good for keeping his fiancee calm. He'd fight with April about getting married. Or rather, he'd fight with her about getting married right now. About having a freaking wedding. It was like she just didn't  _get_ that Alex didn't really care what the deal was about getting married. Well, more he didn't care about the wedding part.

He'd go to the damn court house with her right now if she'd go for it. But  _no_. Of course April wanted some traditional shindig with her family and cakes and everything. And she was trying to figure out if they could get out of Meredith's house. Alex didn't know why she was so fixated on crap like that. He thought they should really worry about the baby, and getting settled with that.

They just didn't have the money for the rest. Not yet. Not until they were full attendings at least. Hitting that point would give both of them a substantial pay increase, much bigger than the increase between being a resident and being a fellow. April was the one who was good with budgets. She should know that.

Granted, Alex did feel guilty that a lot of their budget actually had to go to his crap. They both still had med school loans, but the bulk of their finances went to dealing with his family. Paying for Aaron's care, his mom's nurse, and Amber's school. At first he hadn't really been willing to take April's help on the money side of things. You weren't supposed to need your girlfriend's help with that. But then they'd been shopping for Amber's first dorm room, and Alex had been about to say no to a mini fridge with a microwave, and April had just grabbed his hand and said she'd get it. That she didn't mind. So many things April didn't mind. He was freakin' lucky.

It still made Alex angry. April wanted a wedding and their own place. And right now, especially with the baby on the way? There was just no way they could afford everything. And that was all his fault. In the end, they probably would get stuck. His family and all their stuff would probably mess up the kid somehow. Damn it all.

His mood also wasn't helped by the fact that it looked like Lucy freakin' Fields would steal his thunder yet again. The grant money had been received, and the board wanted planning for the first phase of teaching to get underway in the coming summer. Smack dab in the middle of when Alex knew he'd be starting diaper duty. So, instead, for at least this phase, Jennings and the board had chosen to leave at least that first part of things in what the dude called "capable hands".

Traitorous shark is more like.

Having a kid was great and all, and Alex was looking forward to it. Mostly. It was just...it would have been easier if they'd gotten pregnant after he'd figured out the Africa project. Or after they'd had their wedding. Heck, after they'd finished paying for the stupid wedding...

But that wasn't to be, and even though all it seemed like all the crap was building up or whatever, when Alex he thought of the fuzzy images he'd seen on the ultra sound, his future giggly fiesty little girl, it was enough to make him forget about his worries. Mostly. He felt bad that he felt like he did. Alex was already turning out to be a crap Dad, resenting his kid before they'd even freakin' been born. He was no good.

His frustrations apparently hadn't disappeared enough that Mer didn't notice when she entered the room, Dr. Lacey in tow, and began scanning Ellie Anderson's X-rays.

"What have we got?"

"I think this kid's got a grade 3 brain bleed. Probably has had it for a while, slow going. She came in tonight and she's already lost motion on her left side and had slurred speech."

"Oh dear," Meredith sighed, reading through the chart. She turned to the young resident and shook her head, "Go get her prepped for surgery. Then talk to the parents. See if she had any blunt head traumas. Could be anything. Something small. She probably didn't even lose consciousness."

"Yes, ma'am," Lacey replied, quickly gathering the x-rays and charts and heading out of the small room.

Alex sighed in frustration, gathering up his copy of the chart and falling into step with Meredith as they headed to the OR.

"What's up with you, Alex?" she asked, looking at him skeptically as the scrubbed in.

"Nothing. Just another fine freakin' night at Seattle Grace Mercy Death!" he retorted sharply. "Whatever."

"No," Meredith replied firmly. "Not whatever. You've been in grumpy mode all day. Look, Dr. Lacey and I will handle this surgery if-"

"I can do a freakin' surgery! There are a lot of things I can't do right now, but pediatric surgery is  _not_ one of them."

Meredith raised an eyebrow, holding her sterile hands in front of her, "I see. So you're mad because you can't do something."

Alex glared and finished sterilizing his own hands, "I'm not-I don't wanna talk about it, okay?"

He moved to walk through the sliding glass doors that lead into the OR, but Mer blocked his way.

"I'm not gonna let you in my OR unless you agree to talk some of this out. You've been a terror for weeks."

What the hell was Meredith's problem? He couldn't believe she was threatening to take him off his own peds case. Calling it  _her_  OR! Hijacking his patient.

"That's my freakin' patient!"

"I know, and I think you'll be a much better doctor to her if you talk about what's bothering you," Mer said eying him closely. "I'll perform the procedure. Lacey can assist. You'll observe; give her the chance to fly on her own a bit. And we'll talk."

Alex scowled at his friend. Where did she get off telling him what to do? But Meredith left no room for arguments. He was determined to monitor his patient, even if he didn't assist on the procedure, and the only way Mer was gonna let him be involved was on the sidelines. Correction: yapping about his personal crap on the sidelines. Oh joy.

He sighed and relented with a small nod, following a now triumphant Meredith into the OR, where the patient was prepped and under. When Dr. Lacey rushed in, Mer began the procedure allowing the happy and surprised young doctor to make the first incision on the girl's head. Turned out Ellie had taken a spill from her bike earlier in the week. Lacey said that the parents hadn't thought it was much. They said their daughter had had way worse spills before. They always made her wear a helmet. She'd gotten up right away and kept riding her bike.

Alex shook his head. Just goes to show. Life, parenthood and the whole nine-yards. It was all a crap shoot. He sat, glaring with his arms crossed as Mer and his frreakin' intern did surgery on his patient.

"A little suction please Dr. Lacey," Meredith said calmly from behind her neurology set up. "Good. Now...you see that bleeder? We're going to use a direct lateral approach to cauterize after we drain the excess fluid. Do you know why we do that?"

"Uh," Lacey fumbled. "To avoid accidentally creating a fluid build up?"

"That's right," Mer was looking at him over the top of her flashy neuro glasses. "It's not good to let things build up. It can create a sudden rupture. Not so different from real life, huh, Alex?"

Rolling his eyes, Alex groaned. Okay, so he wasn't above admitting that Mer was like a sister to him. And he kind of...loved her and whatever. But sometimes, just like with his real sister, Meredith could really make him have the urge to punch something. For crying out loud. She was getting as bad as Bailey.

"Real subtle," he grumbled angrily, staring at his feet. "You think I'm gonna get all into my person all crap in front of my intern and you've got another thing coming Mer."

"Oh, come on! This is Seatte Grace. Everyone finds out everyone's personal crap. We did when we were interns," Mer glared and tilted her head to one side, addressing Dr. Lacey. "Nice job, I need just a little bit more suction in the lower quadrant. Excellent..."

Lacey complied, and Merdith continued, "Now, tell me something Dr. Lacey: Did you know that Dr. Karev is a human being?"

"Uh," Lacey's eyes widened, but she didn't move them from the patient. "Yeah...I mean...mostly...uh...a kind of scary human being...but a human being all the same."

Alex narrowed his eyes.

"So, he's probably going through something other people have experienced before, right? Whatever his crap is, it isn't unique?"

"I don't really know if I should-I...I mean...I guess," the young intern's brown eyes flicked to Alex for a split second, "If you say so Dr. Grey."

"See, Alex?" Meredith spoke to him again, taking a long pause to work through a particularly complex point in their patients procedure. "Even this intern acknowledges that you, in fact, are not any different than the rest of us. Which means you need to deal with whatever is bothering you."

Rolling his eyes, Alex sighed. He would have busted her chops a little bit for messing with him during a surgery, but all through the procedure, Ellie's vitals and heart rate were holding stable. The green and red monitors remained calm and constant, and it suddenly hit Alex that he never really stopped and appreciated just what a good neuro surgeon Meredith was turning out to be. In the end, he was pretty sure she'd end up giving Shepherd and his sister more than a run for their money in the field. She was pretty good. Still, it didn't mean he was gonna go into all his fears and worries with her now. He'd been working hard to keep it in. To suck it up. He wasn't sure what would happen if he let any of it out.

Cutting into Alex's momentary distraction, Mer continued her annoyingly obvious attempt to bait him by talking to his intern, "Dr. Lacey, did you know that Dr. Karev and his fiancee are having a baby?"

"I..." Lacey fumbled, briefly glancing up to look at Alex once more. "I had heard that, yes."

"It's enough to make anyone nervous..."

At the word  _fiancee_ Alex couldn't help but groan a little bit. If only he could freakin' afford to make April his wife. If only she'd get over the stupid 'big wedding' stuff. Do it quick. At the courthouse. Like Mer had. He still didn't want to talk about it, but Alex was sure that Mer wasn't about to let him get off the hook without saying something. Maybe if he gave in just a little bit, she'd back off on the rest.

So he mumbled, "Lucy Fields is heading up the on the ground teaching pilot program at Nambosi clinic; she gets to set it up. I'm still important or whatever, for strategic planning and everything...but Jennings is gonna let the first round of teaching go to her, since she's already there. And she gets to choose which doctors are coming here to learn..."

"I'm sorry, Alex," Meredith said sympathetically. "I know that project means a lot to you."

Alex shrugged, "It's whatever.

"It's one thing you can't do," she observed quietly as she and Dr. Lacey continued working.

"Bleed is controlled," Mer said triumphantly. "Let's close. Have you talked with April about any of this Alex?"

"She is supposed to avoid stress," he answered. "She's making enough on her own, so I am not about to go out of my way to add to it anymore than I already am."

"Oh? April's stressing?"

Alex gave up. Meredith wasn't about to let him get away without fully disclosing what was bothering him. It pissed him off. He sniffed and shifted, pulling his feet closer to him so that his shoes squeaked on the tile OR floor. Maybe she'd know what to do. She was a chick after all. Though Alex thought that similarities between Meredith and April were few and far between.

"She's freaked out about having a wedding before she gets too big. Like that's gonna happen. She's already starting to...well...and NO. We can't just go get the dumb papers and everything like you did," Alex glowered. "What's the deal with chicks and big weddings anyway? It's not like we could afford what she wants..."

Meredith lifted her head slightly, as she carefully stitched up their young patient's incision. Lacey, listening as she assisted, shrugged and mumbled, "It's a girl thing Dr. Karev...you go to enough weddings and wear the ugly bridesmaid dresses over the years, all you really want is your turn..."

"I don't need your two cents Dr. Lacey!" Alex snapped, rising as Meredith finished dressing Ellie.

The intern shrugged again, "Just saying."

He ignored her and looked at Meredith, "She ready for recovery? I can give the parents an update while you move her..."

"Yes, I think so," Mer said, placing her instruments on the tray beside her. "Dr. Lacey why don't you get Ms. Anderson here settled in recovery? Give her parents a rough update and tell them that Dr. Karev and I will be out soon to give them some more specifics."

They all three quickly scrubbed out, and soon Alex and Meredith were standing in the hallway outside the OR.

"Dr. Lacey is right, you know," Mer said softly. "About women and weddings. It's normal."

Alex said nothing, opening his copy of Ellie Andersen's chart and scribbling updates in it. This particular surgery, like most brain surgeries, had taken a while. His plan to leave in the early evening was well and truly kaput, as evidenced by the darkness outside the hallway windows and the empty quiet hallways. It was quiet enough that you could hear the November drizzle on the roof, if you listened for it. Night could be really slow at Seattle Grace. On good nights.

Meredith began updating Ellie Andersen's chart, while Alex added his own thoughts.

"It was a good clean procedure," Mer said. "With follow up and rehabilitation, she has a good chance to make a full recovery."

"I dunno Mer," Alex added sadly. "You didn't see her when they brought her in. Her speech was-"

"Ellie Andersen is very young, Alex. Similar cases I have treated have had very positive outcomes. Full or almost full recoveries."

"But what if the bleed opens up again? Or she falls off her bike again? Or some kids hits her upside the head at school and-"

"Alex!" Mer cut into his ramble. "None of that has happened. It probably won't happen, and we can't operate as if it's a foregone conclusion...but so what if it did? You're the one who always says 'there is something we can do'. If there are complications, we will deal with them. What else is bothering you?"

"Nothing. Whatever," Alex glared at the chart, determined to stop letting his problems continue to mess with his head. He had patients to worry about. He was startled when Mer abruptly grabbed the chart out of his hands.

"It's like pulling teeth! Alex tell me, just tell me? What is it? Is April's stress making you worry? Did you guys find out something about the baby? Are you...just tell me!"

Alex exhaled, "The baby's fine and all, it's just-April...she's all stressed that you are gonna evict us or something. Keeps trying to find places for us to move...and it's getting to me a little too. I mean, what kind of Dad am I, if I can't even afford to move to a different place?"

"What? Alex, you know I would never-"

" _I_  know that! It's her," Alex gestured emphatically, trying to find a way to explain it, even though he thought his girlfriend's fears were a little ridiculous. "April thinks we're depriving you of rent income or whatever...since it's just the two of us and you could be renting to more people or something. She feels bad. So, she looks up these rentals and apartments in our price range, but they're all in dumps or super old or small and whatever. And we can't afford better because I have to pay for Aaron's home, mom's nurse and Amber's freakin' tuition."

"Well, you tell her that that is one thing she should not be worrying about," Meredith said quietly. "I'm not trying to make money. Honestly...knowing you guys are in the house...it's better. Means more to me. Means a lot feels like I am keeping it in the family. So you guys can stay as long as you want. I absolutely mean that."

Her words took Alex off guard a little bit. He figured she was just letting them stay until they got their money situation figured out. But it seemed like her reasoning ran a lot deeper than that. He looked at Meredith skeptically, "Oh yeah?"

She looked a little wistful, "I think...I think you guys can bring a happy childhood to that house...and I am all for that. I think you are going to be a much better father than you think you will be Alex. I do. So  _really._  Don't worry. Either of you."

Closing the chart Meredith rested a hand on Alex's shoulder, "There might be a thousand what-ifs, but in the end things will work out, Alex. I know it's hard, but try to cut April some slack. Cut yourself some slack."

Alex only nodded, suddenly feeling grateful that his friend had pushed him to talk a little. It actually felt better to get some of the crap out in to open and off his chest. He felt lighter. Way less pissed. Go figure.

Cutting them both some slack sounded like a good idea. Damned hard to do, but Alex thought it would be worth trying. So, things weren't perfectly lined up yet, and they had a baby on the way. Whatever. It wasn't really a bad thing, and it wasn't really anyone's fault. You just keep on going. Do your best. They would. Alex knew they would. Thinking of Ellie Anderson's he realized that they were probably tearing themselves up over their daughter's injury. He could picture them, in the waiting room, all weepy and freaked out. But there was no way to know at the time that their daughter's fall had caused a bleed. They'd done their best, and brought Ellie to Seattle Grace the moment they'd suspected something was wrong. They did their best.

He cleared his throat and moved down the hall, glancing back toward Mer, "You're right. And you know, I think we outta tell the Andersen's to cut themselves some slack too. I guess...I guess when you become a parent or...get close to becoming one, it's easy to be really hard on yourself."

Easily matching stride with Alex, Meredith grinned, "True story."

* * *

April sighed and reached to the coffee table in front of her, grabbing her glass and taking another swig of ginger ale. What she wouldn't  _kill_  to have a beer right now. Either that or a Twinkie. Actually...now that she thought about Twinkies, to her appetite, that was actually the more attractive option. Reaching to the table again April grabbed a baby carrot and took a sharp bite.

That was the thing about her life now, right? She couldn't just do what she wanted to do. Pregnant women shouldn't drink. Her mind spun with the memories of articles and cases she'd seen that dealt with fetal alcohol syndrome. Nope. Not a path she was interested in. And Twinkies? Well...they were almost as indestructible as a cockroach, and April really didn't think it was a good idea to ingest something that has a potential shelf life of more than 50 years. Especially not with a brand new baby growing inside. And the thing was, April normally didn't even like Twinkies at all.

"Not until you..." she whispered softly, looking downwards and running a hand across the small bump of her stomach."You really need to get better taste in foods my little love. Twinkies are not good for you."

That was the other thing about her life now. Technically, April was never really alone. The thought made her smile. It really was kind of strange to think, but it was true. Her baby was always there. And according to her medical experience in addition to all three of the books she'd read about pregnancy, at around this time, 15 weeks, the baby was beginning to develop a sense of hearing. At least, the tiny ear bones were formed. So, April didn't think it was too weird to start talking to them. It couldn't hurt. At least, when she was alone, and no one would tease her for acting crazy.

Laughing humorlessly, realized that she could understand why people would want to call her crazy right now. Maybe she was. Here she sat, bare feet resting on the coffee table, laptop resting on her thighs, with the tv blaring one of her favorite musicals. Her hair was a mess, her knee felt like it was swollen to the size of a softball because she'd landed on it funny at work today, and her jeans were unbuttoned and unzipped because somewhere between the weekend and today they had stopped fitting comfortably on her belly. She didn't think she quite looked pregnant to anyone who didn't already know she was. More like someone who'd eaten a few too many Twinkies.

On a whole April was sure it was quite the sight to see. She must look super sane, and super attractive. Not. No wonder Alex didn't seem to want to marry her anymore. Okay, that wasn't completely fair. No matter what, Alex had already seen her at her worst. And being trapped in the rubble of a collapsed building was definitely way worse than being cranky and more than a little bloated. He'd already seen the worst and stuck around. No, it wasn't that Alex didn't want to marry her. He just didn't think they could afford to have a wedding right now. And deep down, as infuriating as it was, April knew that he was right.

April squinted at her laptop screen, willing the numbers that filled her excel spread sheets to work out somehow. They were already carpooling most of the time. Maybe if she shrank their travel budget? Then again, she wanted her child to have the chance to know her extended family, and grandparents. And both Alex's and her family lived far away in the Midwest. He was not as keen on visiting his family, although she had twisted his arm for them to go to Iowa at the end of the month to see his mom for Thanksgiving. So Alex would potentially support a travel budget cut, but April found it unacceptable. It seemed like a poor decision to shrink that just now. She didn't want to take the opportunity to see family away from her baby before she was even born.

She flicked the spreadsheet again. What if they cut cable? Alex might actually want to kill her if she got rid of his various sports channels. Cable networks were the only ones that showed real wrestling, not that 'WWE crap'. Alex did really seem to enjoy coming home and watching the stuff. Somehow it relaxed him, in spite of all the violence. April didn't really get it. And technically it was Mer's house and she set up the cable line anyway, so it probably wasn't even possible to cut without going through her. After all, their friend technically owned the home.

Asking her parents was a possibility in the back of April's mind, but she didn't really like the idea of asking them for money help. She'd been paying her own way since she went to college on merit scholarships and small jobs. It would feel like a huge step back to get help now. And it wasn't like her mom and dad had that much money anyway. A teacher and a farmer. Not exactly high paying jobs. Besides, April was about to be come a parent herself, so it would feel wrong to still depend on her own right now.

Swallowing hard, April bit her lips and let her fingers hover uncertainly over the keys. There was just no way to make all the numbers do what she wanted them too. It was all pretty ridiculous actually. She knew that it was not feasible to plan a wedding before she was huge and even less possible that they would be able to find a good place and move too. April knew that...it was just...

She'd always imagined that things would play out differently. When April had thought of herself having a child, she'd imagined the typical American dream. She'd be married and they'd live in a nice house and everything would be settled. It was what her family had taught her. It was just how the Kepner's did things. All her sisters had gotten married and been pretty well established before they had kids. She'd been at each of their weddings. And it was the same deal for her cousins. You got married, and your whole family came to the wedding, then you had kids and that was that.

And they were already starting to pester her about when this wedding was going to happen. April's sister Libby had already made it quite clear to her, in the usual indirect and mildly condescending way, that she didn't really approve of April and Alex having a baby so soon. She still thought April needed time to adjust to her leg and her fellowship and everything. Kimmie kept delicately pointing out how quickly time was going to get away from them, if they didn't act fast. Her mother had sent her a few wedding planner recommendations, just in case "You two happen to think about having the wedding in Ohio." Carefully mixed in among those were housing listings for the greater Columbus area, as her mom would say, "Just in case".

Yeah sure, Mom. Spend you're entire childhood dreaming of moving away from Cook only to come running back. It wasn't that April hated her home town or anything. Really. It was a nice place. It was just too damned small. And people never seemed to leave. Or stop talking. According to Kimmie, news of her pregnancy had already spread through the small town of Cook Ohio, as well as to all of her aunts. Apparently it already causing quite he stir among the aunts. Because as Aunt Martha had supposedly said, "April always did seem to put the cart in front of the horse. She was always a funny girl." So far, only her Dad and youngest sister Alice hadn't pestered her about anything like that. They'd only been excited about the baby. Anywhere else, it wasn't a big deal. In Seattle it certainly wasn't. But Cook was small enough and old fashioned enough that having a baby before you got married was practically a scandal.

April slowly lifted her finger to her laptop and with a single click the nightmare of her budgeting spreadsheet disappeared. Her sisters, Cook, and the extended Kepner network would just have to deal with it. So what? People had babies without being married all the time. She was one of the lucky one's who did it with the love and support of her child's father. April realized that she shouldn't worry so much about it all. She shut the laptop and set in on the coffee table. Leaning back, she settled in to finish the rest of  _The Music Man_  and resolved to tell Alex she was sorry about being so fixated as soon as he got home, even if he was working late.

When the door quietly opened a few minutes later, April glanced up. Alex had said he had an emergency procedure, so she thought he wouldn't be home for hours. Sure enough, it was Amber's familiar form that appeared in the living room, laden with a backpack, drawing board, and a familiar Karev scowl.

"Hi," April said smiling. "I wasn't expecting you."

"Yeah, well..." Amber shrugged, unceremoniously dropping her stuff on the floor. "I wasn't expecting to get sexiled.  _Again._  Gotta crash here for the night. Living with Tara blows. I miss Quincy. She needs to hurry up and get her ass back from Turkey."

"Ah," April said sympathetically, scooting over on the couch, and allowing the young woman to slump down on the couch next to her. "How long is she studying abroad?"

"Until freakin' Febuary," Amber moaned. She glanced over at April's baggie of carrots and glass of ginger ale, raising one eyebrow. "Still barfing?"

"Not as much. I'm eating them because carrots are healthy."

Grabbing one and taking a careful bite Amber rolled her eyes, "April, this is probably the only time in your life that you'd be able to get away with eating whatever you want. Eating for two and all that..."

Shaking her head vehemently, April said, "Being pregnant is not an excuse for not eating healthy. Studies show a babies nutritional habits might be-"

"Whatever," Amber cut her off, kicking off her shoes, and lifting her legs to the coffee table. "What are we watching?"

" _The Music Man_ , have you seen it?"

"Nah."

"It's good."

"Sure..."

They watched in silence for a moment, and April looked over to Alex's little sister. She had come a long way from when they'd met the previous year. She was doing well in college, with a B+ average, and had seemingly adjusted well to living near Alex in Seattle. Amber was a lot like her brother, even though neither of them would admit it. She was slow to warm up to people sometimes, but she seemed to like April well enough. And she'd made friends in college. Aside from the occasional brush with her professors, oh so typical of Karev's and authority figures, Amber was doing alright.

After a beat of watching the movie, Amber smirked and glanced in April's direction, "You know you're putting me in a terribly awkward position."

"Hmm...?"

"I've never been anyone's aunt before. I may screw it up...it's not like you're having a practice baby."

Though the smile played at the young woman's lips, and the tone of her words reflected humor, April could tell that deep underneath it all, Amber probably genuinely did feel as nervous about the whole baby thing as April and Alex did.

April tried to sound reassuring. After all she was an aunt herself four times over. Granted, she lived in a different state from all her nieces, but she did try to be as involved as she could, "It's not that hard. You'll be fine. You get to play with the kids when they are fun, and hand them back when they get cranky."

They both laughed, and April realized that being unable to leave Meredith's place wasn't so bad. Even if they were preventing Meredith from subletting out to other people. It was nice that the house was close enough to the University that Amber could take the bus to get there on her own. She often showed up to utilize the washer and dryer or to eat a free meal and hang out. It had enough rooms that Amber could stay there if she wanted. It was as much a home, April supposed, as any other place they could move too. Maybe even more of one.

When the movie ended, both April and Amber headed upstairs and crawled into bed. She was just dozing off when she heard Alex creep into the bedroom. He tiptoed around the bed and began to undress. April shifted and rolled over to look at him.

"Hey."

"Oh crap," Alex mumbled. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay. I'm awake," she smiled at him, curling close as he climbed into bed next to her. "Amber is here tonight."

"I know, I almost killed myself tripping over her crap when I came in," Alex ran his hand along April's shoulder. "You guys have fun without me?"

"Of course."

"You feel okay today?"

April sighed and snuggled closer to him, "Yeah. Alex? I...I know I've been a little, well, annoying about the wedding and everything. I know right now we can't really-"

"No," he interrupted. "I thought about it...and I talked to Mer. I get it. I do."

This surprised April. She was the one who was about to tell Alex that he was absolutely right. She'd realized she was being more than a little unreasonable.

"Really?"

"You want your shot. It's not really my deal, but I understand. You probably got stuck going to all your sister's weddings and your friends. You just want your turn," Alex pressed his forehead to hers. "And you'll get it. We'll have a great wedding. With your crazy sisters, and cake, and your Dad walking you down the aisle and all that crap. Just not until..."

"After the baby," April finished his sentence. "I know. I was about to tell you. I was just being...unrealistic. Blame Ohio. I just didn't want to be different. It's fine. I know you love me and this baby, and that really is enough. And I like living here, so if Mer's okay with that for the time being then-"

"I talked to her, it's fine."

"Then," April took a deep breath feeling two of her biggest worries vanish completely. "It's all okay. Really."

"Things will work out," Alex nodded, reaching down to gently pat her belly. "And we'll have little May with us at the wedding."

"May?" she asked in horror.

"That's the due date. I thought that's what your family does, right? I figure we can stagger our girls," he reached down and tickled her playfully. "We'll have May, June, July..."

April knew full well that Alex had previously said that her name was a little lame. She'd never really enjoyed being called the same name as the month she was born, it caused people to wish you a happy birthday for an entire month, and she couldn't see herself inflicting similar fate on her own child.

" _Absolutely_  not! You're joking."

He only smirked. April realized that out of all of this she hadn't even begun to spare a serious thought to baby names. Her mind started to race.

* * *

Rita Karev rung her hands in her lap nervously. Alex swallowed uncomfortable and sat back on the creaky couch. The house had hardly changed at all. It was still dingy. Suffocating. It made Alex want to soft sounds of clattering pans and laughter filtered in from the kitchen. At least April and Amber seemed to be having a good time.

His mom swallowed and twisted her hands again, as her eyes darted in the direction of the kitchen, "It's too loud. D-Don won't like it."

Alex bit his lip and exchanged a weary expression with Rita's home care nurse, Peggy. She'd told them that morning when they'd arrived that Alex's mother was having a bad spell. She was always worse in the winter months. It sucked. They just had to keep her calm, and try to pull her back to the present day.

"Mom," he said gently. "Dad's not coming back."

It was like she couldn't keep still. His mom kept bouncing her leg and twisting around. She looked confused. Well, of course she did. Alex had no idea what year Rita thought it was, but obviously it was one where their Dad was still around to beat on her. It was messed up. Messed up that years later, long after Don Karev skipped town, Rita still lived in fear of him.

She tried to stand, but Alex put a gentle hand on her shoulder. Her panicky gaze met his and she mumbled, "It's too loud."

"Rita," Peggy cut in, trying to pull the older woman back to the present. "It's Thanksgiving tomorrow. You are going to spend it with your family. That is your daughter in there."

"Amber?"

"Yeah, and your daughter in law, April. They are getting the food ready for tomorrow."

Fiancee and daughter in law was a distinction Alex had decided not to push. He figured by the time his Mom learned who April was, they'd probably be married anyway. Confusion still laced his mother's features, but the conversation did seem to bring her a little closer to reality. The movements of her hands slowed and she nodded slowly.

"You got married and didn't tell us. Aaron said-Aaron said she got cancer...and left..."

"That was Izzie, Mom. You never met her. This is someone else."

Laughter came from the kitchen again, and Alex leaned back, only just able to make out April and his sister. She had just started needing to wear maternity pants, and Alex grinned at the clearly visible curve of her stomach. He was glad that Amber seemed to really like April. It was good for both of them. And April had a lot more patience with Amber then Alex thought he would have on his own. And she was the one who convinced them that they needed to visit their mom for the holiday. So far, she'd been pretty good with Rita, acting completely unfazed by the fact that the woman didn't yet remember who she was. Currently, April was standing at the counter talking to Amber, and whatever they were talking about, it was cracking them both up. It had been a long time since anyone laughed in this house.

Suddenly his mom turned to face him, "Where's Aaron?"

"He doesn't live here anymore, Mom. He's not coming for Thanksgiving," Alex said sadly.

"He grew up. Didn't he? Like you."

"Yeah." Not so much.

Currently Aaron lived in a residential mental health facility. And to be quiet honest, Alex didn't know if Aaron would ever come back. Even if he got better. He didn't think Amber would ever be ready to face their brother. After all, he'd tried to kill her with his bare hands. That sick scared feeling began to creep up in his chest again, and Alex willed himself not to think about the possibility that the baby might be crazy. He had been affectionately referring to as May because it annoyed April. Alex couldn't stand the thought of little May inheriting this kind of stuff from him. But there was no way to know, and it was too painful to think about so he pushed the thoughts away.

Rita started rocking herself again, mumbling, "Don's not going to like it."

Bastard probably didn't give a damn at all.

The rest of the night went okay, all things considered. They ate dinner, and his mom only confused April for Izzie once, and after dinner, Amber had gotten Rita to look at some of the sketches she had done of buildings she'd designed for classes. And for a few minutes, Rita was all the way there. She knew who they all were, and why they were there. She told Amber that she was proud of her and Alex found himself freakin' chocked up. But it was just-the way his sister puffed up after hearing their mother's praises. It was too much. It was enough to coax Alex into letting his guard down.

Which was probably a big mistake.

Peggy the nurse went home, wishing them all a happy holiday, promising to be back on Monday after spending her days off with her own family. Amber helped their mom get into bed, while April and Alex went about getting their couch bed set up. And they'd laid on the lumpy mattress and listened to the quiet house, and Alex had freakin' thanked April for pushing the issue and making them come here. Because she was kind of right. It was hard to face his mother's condition and all, but that didn't mean that he and Amber should just forget about her. Or pretend she wasn't as sick as she was. And visiting her might help her stay in better touch with the real world. He whispered all these things and they'd fallen asleep, and Alex had let his guard down.

Mistake.

Much later, he awoke with a start. The house was dark, and freaking cold. The space beside him was empty. Alex didn't immediately sense that anything was wrong. April peed like a racehorse these days, waking up more than once in the night because she had to go. It wasn't unusual for Alex to wake up and find her absent. He rolled over and his brow furrowed. Her cane still leaned neatly by the side of the bed. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. That was a little weird. April was usually pretty good about using her cane. Dr. McCaw had told them she had to be careful about falls.

Maybe she  _really_  had to pee. Alex rubbed his eyes and sat up. The house was damned quiet. And damned cold. Too quiet. Too cold. Alex couldn't remember what had woken him. He got out of bed and cautiously made his way down the hall. The bathroom door was open, and the light was off. April wasn't there. Instantly, Alex was awake. He began moving urgently down the hallway, opening doors as he went. Amber was sound asleep in her room, but his mom's room? It was empty.

"Hey," Amber's sleepy voice reached his ears. "Wha's goin' on?"

Heart thundering in his chest, Alex didn't take the time to answer her as he turned on his heels and headed back down the hall. Where the hell were they? April wouldn't go any further than the bathroom without her cane. He knew that. She was being extra careful. He walked back through the living room. April wasn't in the house. Her shoes were still by the front door, and her coat hung from the coat rack. His mom's stuff was still there too. And he couldn't shake the cold fear that was beginning to fill his body. Damn it.

"Alex?" Amber pressed again, walking up behind him. "Where's mom?"

When he reached the kitchen his panic grew. There were drawers open, and a single pan lay in the middle of the floor. Alex knew why the house was so cold. The side door was wide open, revealing the icy, snow dusted alley way, and letting the cool November air rush in. No other signs of his mom or April. Alex cursed himself. Something wasn't right. He'd let his guard down. His mother was unpredictable. Rather her disease was. Like Aaron. He'd let his guard down.

Big mistake.


	5. Chapter 5

Well, this was incredibly stupid.

There was no denying that. April cursed her drowsiness and the slow reaction she'd had as a result. Some mother she was turning out to be. Their child was in danger and she hadn't even been born yet. April knew it was her own fault. She was a little too trusting. A little too afraid. Then again, April mused, none of this was really Rita's fault. Years of mental abuse combined with an already unstable mind had made her the woman she was. And it wasn't like Alex's mom was doing anything out of hate, or with bad intentions. It just wasn't all that safe either.

"What have I gotten us into?" April murmured, sitting on a bench in the quiet bus shelter, huddling over her lap for warmth.

She yawned and her breath was clearly visible in the cold November air. Her teeth chattered, and her face felt the familiar stinging of cold chapped skin, like she'd gotten as a child in the snow in Ohio. At least it wasn't currently snowing. Small blessings. Still, April felt damned cold. When she moved her fingers, adjusting her grip on a two pronged meat thermometer, she could hear the tiny creaks in her cold bones. April's bare feet had disappeared into the throbbing numbness that came from contact icy cement. And her leg? Well, considering that the vast majority of April's leg from the knee down was actually mostly held together with metal, it was no understatement to say that it was the absolute coldest part of her body.

Her companion in the bus stop, Rita, remained standing and didn't seem to have any reaction to the cold at all, which April thought was insane. Literally. She had a slightly warmer bathrobe at least, but the older woman had only a thin night dress covering her limbs. She must be so cold.

Everything had happened so quickly.

Rita had caught April as she'd made her way back from the bathroom to the couch bed with Alex. Of course, April's route hadn't been entirely direct. She'd chosen to go via the kitchen, because she'd had an intense craving for the carrot cake she knew was sitting in the fridge next to the pumpkin pie April had made waiting for tomorrow's Thanksgiving celebration. She'd figured no one would mind if she swiped a small square, and frankly in the moment she hadn't cared. It was healthy. There were carrots. Padding into the kitchen, April had just opened the refrigerator when a hand came from behind her and covered her mouth.

Surprised, April had gasped, nearly loosing her balance on the kitchen's sleek tiled floor. She had clumsily reached over to the counter top to steady herself, causing a pan to fall to the floor in a sudden loud clatter. The noise seemed to have spooked Rita and she'd rushed closer to April, with her hand still pressed to April's mouth. She froze and her eyes darted frantically around the kitchen as she waited to see if the noise would wake anyone else. April struggled to maintain some sort of equilibrium and hissed in pain as her weight shifted to her bad knee.

When Rita pulled her hand away from April's lips and started mumbling, "H-he's not going to like it...He doesn't like company. He'll be so mad. You're the stranger...you're not safe."

Wide eyed and still slightly out of sorts, April ventured, in what she hoped was a calm tone, "You mean...Don? He's...he's not coming back...you know that? Right?"

"Shhhh!"

Rita's fear turned into a glare, and she'd lunged toward April, and it was only then that she'd even realized that the older woman, her sort of mother in law, had a white knuckled grip on a long triangular kitchen knife. April's eyes had widened and she'd inched backwards from the agitated woman, using the hand that wasn't maintaining her balance to cover her stomach. Belatedly, she'd realized that Rita had neatly placed herself between April and the door to the living room, Alex, and the rest of the house. In most other circumstances getting away would have involved a simple side step, or a call across the house to Alex. Easy.

But the knife changed things.

"P-please! Don't..."

In the moment, April had found that all she could do was watch Rita's erratic movements and the glint of the knife blade in the dark kitchen. The damn thing was probably as much a danger to Rita Karev as it was April. But she didn't try to run. She hadn't trusted that she could get away quickly enough. Hadn't trusted her finicky leg enough to risk an escape attempt. There was too much to loose.

"You don't know what he's like! What he'll do," Frantic Rita was back again, and her free hand raked through her messy graying hair. "To you...to the kids. I won't have it. Especially...there's company and Aaron's not here...you can't be here..."

The pitch of April's voice rise with her level "I-I don't r-really think-"

"You need to protect yourself!" Rita pointed the knife right at April's chest, as she angrily yanked open kitchen drawers, one after another, and gesturing for April to go through them. "Get something. You  _need_  to get something. He's gonna be so pissed. He'll hurt you."

At that very moment, April had been more concerned with the idea that  _Rita_  might hurt her, though she'd kept her mouth shut. Alex had told her that Aaron had tried to kill Amber once, so April didn't think it was out of the realm of possibility for Rita's sort of altruistic mission to 'save' April from Don, turned into something much more sinister. Which was why April had chosen to play along as best she could. Try to stay on Rita's good side. Even though April was shaking like a leaf. Maybe she was a coward. But April knew one thing. Death by grandmother, no matter how accidental, was not something she was willing to accept for her baby. So, she'd gone with Rita's request.

She'd pulled a two pronged meat thermometer from the drawer, without much thought. It was something. She wasn't 100% vulnerable right? At least she wasn't disadvantaged in terms of weapons. Kind of. Then Rita had pointed the knife again and ushered April out in to the bleak Davenport night. They'd wandered the alleyways for a bit, and ended up at a bus stop that April remembered seeing on the drive in to Alex's childhood home. It was only 2 or 3 blocks away.

Everything had happened so fast.

The truth was that out of the two of them, April was pretty certain  _she_  was the one who wouldn't be able to use force. Not on a woman as damaged as this. April knew she'd hesitate. She didn't think the same could be said of Rita. So if it did come down to something...April figured she really was the one who was at a disadvantage.

April wrapped her arms around herself as her teeth chattered. She was so cold. And so sorry. If her stupid leg wasn't swollen she could probably have made it into the living room and woken up Alex. Or if she'd just gone straight to bed after her trip to the bathroom instead of bowing to her craving for cake. Or if she was just smarter, more awake, and knew what to do instead of freaking out and going along with things. Her baby was in danger and it was entirely April's fault.

She was scared. She was freezing. Sleepy. Guild-ridden. She still, inexplicably, kind of wanted carrot cake.

April sniffed and bit her lip, trying to hold back her tears.

"You're cold," Rita said matter of factly. She almost sounded normal. Kind. Concerned. Normal. Almost. If not for the knife. But April didn't trust it. She couldn't.

She was really beginning to understand now. Alex and Amber's nearly impenetrable defensiveness. Their leeriness to let other's in. Growing up like this? With the constant threat of danger from your own family? From someone you loved. Or from watching someone you loved get hurt, by someone who should love them. It made sense to never let your guard down. The minute you did, eveything could fall apart. All the trust issues and attitudes made so much more sense.

"Y-es," April replied guardedly. "Very cold."

Rita chewed on a lose strand of her hair and rocked herself slowly from side to side, using the knife to carve small circles on the side of the bus shelter. April couldn't help but feel sorry for this woman, despite her fear. Not just because she was Alex's mother. She felt bad that anyone so fragile mentally, could have been treated as badly by her husband as Rita had. Alex and Amber had told her that their father had been gone for nearly fifteen years. Fifteen years later and Don Karev still haunted his wife. It was terrible.

"Maybe...maybe we should lea-Um, I mean, do...do you feel cold?" April said cautiously after Rita made no response to her last words. Maybe a moment of lucidity would give her the chance to reason with the woman. Or something.

Rita still rocked forward and back, wide eyed, "I don't feel anything."

Not knowing how to reply to that, April's pity increased. She shivered and ran her hands up and down her arms trying to keep warm. Maybe there was no reasoning with madness. Whatever mental issues Rita had where obviously magnified from her abuse at the hands of her husband to the point where she only felt numb. Well, that combined with her medications. The result was the same. April's teeth chattered and she knew she needed to get warm soon. She frowned and gripped the meat thermometer, trying to think of some sort of plan. She didn't like to think that she might have to take drastic choices.

"You're having a baby."

The softly spoken words pulled April from her thoughts. She blinked and shivered again, hoping a detailed response might have some sort of affect on the older woman, "Yes. I am...she'll-she'll be your grandchild...Alex wants to call her May."

"You love Alex," Rita continued in the same calm matter of fact way, as though she hadn't taken in April's reply at all.

"So do you."

Rita pursed her lips and tilted her head, continuing her simple rocking motions, gesturing to April with her knife free hand, "He grew up. He's a man. It'll happen to you too. You'll go to sleep and the next time you see them, your babies will be all grown up...I know...I-I got confused and then...I missed them...they grew up and I missed them. "

"I'm s-sorry." It was all April could really think to say. She shivered again.

"So am I."

Rita frowned and looked so devastated and mournful. It didn't escape April's notice that the hand that held the knife now hung relaxed by Rita's side, and that her grip on the utensil was much less tense. Maybe she was starting to come back into herself. Maybe this was an opportunity.

Taking a risk April carefully whispered, "Don's not coming, Rita. He's not coming back. You-you don't have to worry. He's not going to hurt me. Or Alex and Amber. He won't hurt you anymore."

"He used to..." the tone of Rita's voice drifted into the range of a whine, and despite the whole situation, the pure sadness of it all made April's heart ache. She'd always known that Alex's home life and childhood had been miles apart from her own upbringing. Joe Kepner had never and would never lay a hand on her mother, or any of them. That was a fact. Hearing and seeing Rita like this made April even more grateful that she'd had the childhood she'd had. And she vowed never to let her child have anything less than her own experience.

"I..I know," she continued sympathetically, leaning closer to Rita. "But that's over now..."

And then the moment shifted. Rita took a deep breath, shoulders rising, and for a split second in the darkness, April thought it was all going to go badly. She gasped and shifted the meat thermometer so that it rested on her leg, ready. But Rita only let out a small sob.

"It is isn't it?" she held her head with one hand and glanced up to April shaking her head and looking at her with a pleading gaze. "It is over...and I am...I get confused..."

Rita began to shiver in the cold, and seemed suddenly completely aware of everything, "I didn't mean...Scaring you...you're pregnant...I'm so sorry."

This was it, April realized. Her chance. A moment of true lucidity and realization. She held out her hand for the knife.

"It's...it's okay. I know you're sorry. Why don't...what if we just go back to the house?"

"What the hell is Alex going to think?" Rita asked in a panic as she slipped the handle of the sharp object into April's open palm. She curled her hand into a fist and started knocking it against her head, and the sharpness of the sound made April wince. "He's going to think I'm freaking psycho...maybe I am..."

April closed her freezing fingers around the metal knife handle, wincing as the joints clicked in the cold. She didn't really have any answers. None that were good anyway. If Alex had figured out something was wrong, she knew he'd be pissed. And underneath all that, terrified. She didn't know what she could say that would make Rita feel any better. She didn't know how to make any of it better. April wished she could.

"Let's just go," she transferred both kitchen utensil's to one hand and used the sides of the bus shelter to carefully pull herself into a standing position. Last thing she needed right now was to slip and fall. The cold numbness of her right leg made her wince. It had gotten to the point of being so cold it was painful. She panted, leaning against the structure's metal frame.

Rita watched blankly, shivering, as she chewed her hair, "Are we going back now?"

"Y-Yeah..."

April was startled by how vacant the older woman looked. Alex's mother. She felt sick, suddenly wondering if this whole episode was some terrifying sneak peak into her own future. If 'May' ended up inheriting her grandmother's mental issues. Could April handle it? Could Alex handle it? She squared her shoulders, and took deep breaths. They'd have to handle it. She would. She'd find a way. Make a plan. For better or worse. Her baby was worth it.

"Come on," April said, taking a tentative limping step on the icy cement, and wincing at the cold on her bare toes. Rita turned to face April, and she held out her arm. "Can you help me?"

"Okay..."Alex's mother let April rest her hand on one shoulder and they began to hobble their way down the chilly streets. To be quite perfectly honest, April didn't really know exactly how to get back to the house, and Rita had retreated into this strange blank space so she was no help. So, she did her best to retrace the panicked steps she'd been forced to take moments earlier. Of course, that was easier said than done.

As April squinted up at a dimly lit street sign, she was startled at the sound of a car door slamming. Across the street she could see a police car. The doors were flung open and two police officers moved around the front of the car. Alex seemed to fly out of the other side of the car, quickly making his way across the street.

"Mom! What the hell are you doing? April, are you okay? Jesus freakin- Christ."

"Hold it, sir. Stay back," the cop moved in front of Alex and held up a flashlight shining it in April's eyes. "Ladies, can you identify yourselves?"

"That's them. It's  _my_  freaking family!" Alex rolled his eyes and tried to push forward, but the other policeman held him back.

"I am going to have to ask you to hold your hands up! Keep them where we can see them..."

"Oh!" April gasped and let the kitchen utensils fall from her fingers, clattering to the sidewalk. "I-I'm April...K-Kepner...a-and this is Rita K-Karev."

Rita listed to one side and stared at the police. Raising her shaking hands, April quickly added, "She's pretty...out of it and...probably not going to...she doesn't have anything sharp, I swear..."

"For crying out loud..." Alex broke free of the policeman's arms, slipping slightly on the icy street and running up to April, placing his hands on her cheeks. "Are you okay? Damn it. God, you're a freakin' Popsicle."

"I'm...a little cold, yeah," she mumbled as Alex wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close, and allowing her to stand on his shoes, which gave her bare feet some relief from the relentlessly cold pavement. Heaven. April wasn't sure if she was the one shaking or if Alex was. Maybe they both were. She let herself get lost in the warmth of his embrace. She'd known she was cold before, but feeling the heat of Alex's body made April realize just how cold she'd gotten. And how incredibly tired she was.

Dimly, she could hear one the police talking to Rita, "Ma'am? Mrs. Karev?"

"Sir," the other officer said. "Do you want us to go ahead with the..."

Tensing, Alex still didn't let go of April, "Yes."

"You know that that entails a-"

"I know what it freakin' entails! I've done this before."

"You're sure?"

"Whatever! You think I would have called your asses if I wasn't sure?"

"Alright, sir. Ma'am? Your son, as per Iowa State Mental Health statute 5889, is invoking an emergency involuntary commitment..."

April lifted her head, trying to protest. Yeah, it was bad. Pulling a knife on someone in the middle of the night and forcing them out of the house, but somehow it just seemed so sad to commit Rita. And she understood how difficult it had been to do for Aaron. Now, Alex was doing it again with his Mom? Too hard. "Alex, you don't have to-"

"I do." Maybe that was true. Maybe it was for the best. April didn't know.

The police continued speaking to Rita, gently grabbing hold of her elbow and walking her toward the car. She didn't make attempt to resist. She didn't even act like she could hear them, "Your son has provided sufficient evidence to us that you are a clear and present danger to yourself and others, Mrs. Karev. We are going to take you to the Davenport Treatment Center where you will be evaluated by a professional, and held for a minimum period of 48 hours for observation at which point in time, the psychologist will make recommendations about your future..."

April shivered again as she watched the police numbly load Alex's mother into their squad car. Alex tightened his grip around her shoulders and whispered, "Hey? April? We gotta get you checked out, okay? Warmed up too."

Warmed up. It seemed like an impossible luxury. April really just wanted to sleep. Which wasn't exactly the best of symptoms, she knew. She certainly wanted to get out of the cold, so if it meant she had to go be warm in an ER somewhere, she was willing to go with it. Especially for the peace of mind of finding out if the baby was still alright. April needed some peace of mind tonight.

"Okay..."

* * *

Alex sniffed and ran his hand through his hair as he quickly exited the peds ward and hurriedly walked toward OB. If he didn't hurry, he'd be late to April's ultrasound. And after everything that had happened, or almost happened, he found it unacceptable to miss. It had been a hell of a few weeks. More than hell really. His mom had freakin' tweaked out Thanksgiving. Pulled an Aaron and tried to take April somewhere at knife point. Alex didn't care what April said trying to explain it or downplay it or whatever. He'd been able to connect the dots. His mom had gotten spooked with him and Amber and April visiting for the holiday. She been petrified out of her mind, and she'd thought his Dad was gonna come and whale on them. Because when he'd lived with them he'd isolated them so much. Never had any company. Rita's meds couldn't overcome the fear that Don had burdened her with. Alex hated him for that.

He should have freakin' known. He should have. But Alex had let his guard down. He hated himself for that.

They could have lost everything. E _verything._  Alex could have lost everything. April had done the right thing by playing along, and things had turned out okay. She ended up being really cold was all. Nothing warm IVs, blankets, and a cup of hot chocolate couldn't cure. And the ER docs in Davenport had given her a thorough exam, and little May was okay too. But it could all have gone so badly. Alex had vivid memories of going back to Iowa when Aaron had gone after Amber. He couldn't get the images out of his head. His little sister all laid up in the hospital with hand shaped bruises around her throat. Amber obviously thought back to that night too, because upon her arrival to the ER, she'd only flung her arms around April and cried. Amber never cried. Alex could count on his hand the number of times he'd seen her cry. And most of those were when the whole thing with Aaron went down. He supposed it was impossible for both of them  _not_  to link this new situation with their mom to Aaron.

And what if his mom had done something worse? Would he have seen April laid up and bloody...? It was too freaking terrible to give a complete thought. It made his chest feel tight, like someone had him in a choke hold.

Alex had let his guard down. And he would never forgive himself.

Even if April seemed to. She acted like it wasn't his fault. He didn't get why she wasn't more bothered really. She'd practically gotten frostbite. But no. April was all sympathy, hope, and cheerful bullshit like the flick of a switch. Bouncing back the next day, like she hadn't spent half the night in the cold and half in the hospital. Still insisting they have at least eat the turkey, and pie and everything. Eating carrot cake. Claiming it wasn't quite a kidnapping, and rambling on about what different kidnapping definitions meant. Didn't April get how dangerous it had been? When they got home, she'd started researching, and yammering on about things they could try to help his mom. Didn't she get that that ship had sailed? Alex knew his father had sunk the damn thing. You can't fix everything that's broken. You just can't. But April didn't understand. She didn't understand that he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to think about it.

And so, things had been tense between them lately. Plenty of slammed doors, subtle glares, and nights spent facing away from each other in bed. Hell of a few weeks.

So, the first week of December, he'd signed the papers to have his Mom's power of attorney transferred to him. And this week he'd signed the papers to have her transferred to the same place where Aaron was treated. Congratulations, May. Half your Dad's family is in the loony bin. Aren't you lucky? He shook himself bitterly, so caught up in his thoughts that he nearly collided with Jackson, who was heading the opposite directions.

"Watch where you're going dude!" Alex snapped.

Avery was clearly less distracted than Alex, and easily sidestepped, avoiding actually getting bumped into. He paused, tilting his head and crossing his arms, and looking at Alex with this intense, and intensely annoying, gaze.

" _You_  almost ran into  _me_."

"Whatever. Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"I've got a consult on a cleft pallet case in about 20 minutes..."

Alex glared and kept walking a few steps, growing more irritated when the plastics fellow followed him, and kept staring. He turned around and lifted his hands, gesturing angrily towards the Pediatric ward, "Then go! Do that."

"Oh, I will," Jackson said in that maddeningly calm way he had. "I'm just wondering if you plan going to April's appointment like this..."

Alex's jaw tightened, "Like what?"

"Pissed off. Guilty. Raging at the world," Jackson said. "I know you've had a rough couple of weeks, but believe me, this is  _not_  a good look for you."

"I'm not aiming to win beauty contests..."

"April's worried about you, and we both know she doesn't need you barging in all messed up like you have been since Thanksgiving. She's pretty excited about today, and I think she'd rather you be late than having a pity party over everything. Focus on the good stuff. Get a handle on yourself. She doesn't need your stress right now."

"Shut up."

"Man up!" Jackson retorted. "Talk about it. Deal with it."

Alex snarled. What the hell did Avery know about any of it? Where did he get off telling Alex what his own freaking girlfriend needed? He didn't understand anymore than April did. The guy may be April's B-F-whatever, but that didn't mean the idiot could stick his nose in their business.

"I gotta go," he turned and continued walking down the hall, only to stop short as he listened to Jackson's next words.

"When you're messed up, she's messed up. Trying to figure out how she can help you. Do what you have to do, but don't make her worry about you."

"I never freakin' asked her to worry about me, alright?" Alex took a couple of steps back in Avery's direction, ready to clobber the guy. "I never asked to care about me, or my family, or any of it! It's not her fault that we're all crazy and there is nothing she can do to stop it. She can't help. It's lame but it is what it is..."

He didn't even know why he was saying all this crap to Jackson anyway. Dude had never been that close to him. But for some reason Alex had just spilled his guts to the plastics fellow, right there in the corridor between Obstetrics and Peds.

Jackson sighed and looked Alex right in the eye, "Of course April's going to care. You're the father of her child. Your family  _is_ her family. Of course she is gonna want to help."

Taking a deep breath, Alex stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at his shoes. Maybe that was true, but it didn't change the fact that nothing could be done about his mom and Aaron. They'd lost it. And April caring or whatever wasn't going to make a damn difference at all. Not that Alex could see. Which is why it would be better if she just didn't. In the end, it would only hurt her. And probably the baby too.

"Well, it's not like there is any cure for schizophrenia. No amount of wishful thinking or pills or shrinks or anything can stop it," he mumbled.

"No...I guess not," Jackson replied. "But maybe April needs to believe it can...because of the baby. Because she's worried...so she needs to believe. You should let her be. She can believe for the both of you. And maybe someday...maybe there will be something that can help more. I don't know. All I know is that you have to let her try, or you're both going to be so stuck worrying about this that you'll miss out on the good stuff that's happening in your lives right now. You're having a baby! A baby...and right now as far as anyone knows, that baby is perfectly healthy. Feel good about that."

Damned if the dude was right again. Like he'd been taking freakin' advice giving pointers from Webber or something. Alex pursed his lips and glanced at Jackson sheepishly, "April put you up to this?"

"Nah man, I'm just looking out for people I care about. It's called being a good friend. You should try it sometime," Avery shrugged.

"You care about me?"

Something twinkled in Jackson's eye, "I care about April, and her baby."

"Right," Alex nodded slowly and turned to leave. "Thanks man."

"No probs. Take it from me: Don't ever let your past screw with what you have now," Jackson called down the hall.

Alex nodded and kept striding forward, lifting his hand to his head and giving Avery a final salute of thanks as he headed through the doors to OB. Jackson had a made him rethink his whole mood. Avery was a good guy. A kernel of an idea began to form in the back of Alex's mind.

Sure,it had been a hell of a few weeks, but his life was really kind of an extended chain of linked hells of few weeks. He survived. And honestly it wasn't all bad. Especially since he and April'd gotten together, things had been pretty good. And he could hardly blame her for not giving up hope? After all, that was kind of her thing right? She certainly hadn't given up on him, when by rights Alex thought she should have. He wouldn't really want April to be any different, infuriating as it could be. If there was anyone who could help him survive taking care of his mom and Aaron, it was April.

Briskly swinging the exam room door open, Alex grinned as he saw his girlfriend and her doctor near the ultrasound machine. April had her blouse lifted and Dr. McCaw was just spreading the hydrocortisone cream across her exposed belly.

April immediately looked up and smiled, beaming. She really did have that glow thing or whatever. And she didn't seem mad that he was late. "Alex!"

Dr. McCaw glanced up from his work and gestured for him to take a seat, "You're just in time for the big reveal,  _Dr. Karev_. Mom and I just finished talking..."

April was positively buzzing with glee. She grabbed one of his hands excitedly. Alex settled in his seat and squeezed her hand, vowing to maintain his new outlook. "I got held up...You tell the Doc about Tuesday morning? When you thought the baby was moving?"

"Yes she did," Dr. McCaw said in his stupid sing-songy way, as he smiled and moved to turn on the ultrasound machine. "Which puts Baby once again, right on track. 18 to 20 weeks sounds about right for the beginning of their gymnastic career."

Alex couldn't help but roll his eyes a little, "Right."

"You guys sure you wanna try to find out the sex today?" McCaw asked as the machine came to life and he placed the wand over April's belly. Immediately the steady whirring sound of the baby's heart filled the room for a moment, as gray images came across the screen. It never failed to take Alex's breath away.

"Heart sounds are good," McCaw said, before turning the machine to mute.

"We're sure we want to know," April replied looking between Alex and the other doctor. He nodded in agreement. Between the two of them they were already 90% sure this kid was a girl, given the Kepner family track record. And because it would be just his luck to have a little girl. In a good way. Alex figured April would want to plan ahead and get cribs and crap in specific colors, so knowing for sure in advance would probably put her mind at ease. And it would give him a chance to better wrap his mind around the whole kid thing.

"Right...you guys think it's a girl, huh?" Dr. McCaw said moving the wand around a bit. "Let's see if Baby will let us find out."

Alex and April watched intently as McCaw began doing the complete scan. 'May' was looking much more like a baby that she had at the last scan with Dr. McCaw, or even the one they'd had in Davenport the night before Thanksgiving. Alex could make out legs and arms and tiny hands that seemed to be messing with her face. Look at those little hands. Perfect for surgery.

April's eyes lit up and she squeezed Alex's hand as more images of their baby filled the ultrasound screen. The baby shifted and they were presented with a clear image of a tiny back and backside. April giggled.

"Alright! We are getting mooned," Alex felt his chest puff out a little. Kid already had spunk.

"A chip off the old block no doubt," Dr. McCaw smirked, and rolled his eyes between Alex and April. He shifted the wand and moved his gloved hand on April's stomach. "Let's see what we can encourage some cooperation from Baby here...Ah-Damn! I should have bet you guys money."

"What?  _What?_ " April said breathlessly as McCaw continued to move the wand around.

Alex leaned forward, "Can you see?"

"Look right here," the doctor said, pointing with one hand to the screen above them with a grin on his face. "Now, ultrasounds can't be 100% accurate, but I have been doing this a while. I'm going to go with all of my years training and experience and say that  _that_  is not a an extra limb. This baby is a boy."

Whoa. It was dumb, because there had always been a 50/50 shot, but Alex had not really expected the baby would be a boy. His intuition had failed him. Suddenly the image of his feisty little girl vanished and was replaced with...well, the gray image in front of him. A boy. His son. The kid with spunk.

April's jaw dropped and her goofy smile seemed to take up her whole face. She tentatively reached one hand toward the still moving image on the screen and traced the outline of the baby's head. Laughing and blinking back tears, she breathed, "A boy? A boy!"

"Yep," McCaw nodded. "Are Mom and Dad still happy?"

"Oh! Of course.  _Of course_ ," April nodded vigorously. Her teary eyes drifted to Alex and she bit her lip. "We are-as long as h-he's healthy."

A small giggle escaped her lips and her tongue rolled over the word. 'He'. They could say it now.

"Yeah," Alex managed to agree, still unable to take his eyes away from the image on the ultrasound screen.

"Baby boy continues to be growing on par, and appears to be very healthy. Well done Mom and Dad," Dr. McCaw, moved the wand again, snapping a few images to print for them to take home before he turned off the scan and helped April clean off her stomach. "Congratulations!"

April and Alex watched the doctor leave the room in stunned silence. He felt a slow smile grow across his face and he carefully placed a hand on top of April's belly. She rested her hand on top of his and they just stared at each other for a moment. Somehow the whole thing just seemed ever more real. This little person was just growing and growing, of his own accord. It was awesome. It was the freakin' coolest thing. They were having a son. Hell of a few weeks.

Alex finally broke the silence, "May is a dude."

* * *

Meredith lifted the lid off of yet another box of holiday decorations. Derek's mother was flying to Seattle for Christmas on two days, and they were woefully behind in the holiday decorating. And with Grandma shepherd coming, rather than just their friends, Meredith felt a little rushed. To be fair, a wetter then usual winter had meant that things at the hospital had been crazy busy. Meredith still felt bad. Less than a week before Christmas and they were just barely getting the tree up. She'd never been much of a decorator before Zola, but now that she and Derek lived in this house, it seemed like the thing to do. Lifting the tray of ornaments out of the box, Meredith handed a few to her husband and Zola as they decorated the tree. Of course, with Zola helping, it meant that most of the ornaments were currently on the lower half of the tree on the side facing out. But all three of them were having a blast putting them up.

"Mommy! Look this!" Zola said triumphantly, holding up a tiny Santa ornament and sliding it on to a branch. "I gonna put him here!"

"Zola?" Derek gently asked. "There's already an ornament there. Don't you want to put him somewhere else? Daddy can help you..."

The little girl crossed her arms and shook her head emphatically, "No! Me do. I don't want him be scared and wonley."

Watching as her daughter haphazardly placed the ornament where she thought it should go, Meredith held back a smile and glanced up at her husband, "You're right Zola. We can't have that."

It had become exceptionally clear how behind they were in decorating, when they'd started receiving Christmas presents from friends and family, and had no Christmas tree. Gifts from Derek's sisters arrived in the mail, along with Lexie and even Cristina's. Webber had taken them out to eat, and sent them home with his gifts, while Bailey had cleared her throat as they headed out of the locker room and handed over another bundle of gifts. April had brought over the brightly wrapped presents in person before she, Alex, and Amber flew out to Ohio to spend the holiday with the Kepners.

She looked definitively pregnant now, all cute little belly, limping differently, and filling out a bit more in her face. Meredith was determined to overcome the pangs of jealousy she still felt when she saw April. She and Alex seemed so happy, in their own way. Which Meredith was really proud of, given what had been shared with her about their trip back to Iowa. Alex had come further than he knew. At lunches, April was never found far from something sweet. Then Alex would whip out the latest set of ultrasound photos, proudly describing how his son didn't like April's OB anymore than he did, and had given Dr. McCaw 'the moon'. And April would roll her eyes, and explain how she, her mother and her sisters had it planned to keep the baby's gender a secret from her father until they went to the farm for Christmas.

"My Dad's gonna be so tickled!" April had gushed to Meredith as she dropped off the presents. "I mean, it's not like he doesn't love having daughters and granddaughters, he always has. But you know, it's just May's the first boy we've had born into the family since anyone can remember..."

"May?"

April blinked rapidly and rolled her eyes, shrugging her shoulders, "Alex calls him that. Well, he started before we knew the sex, and now he does it just to annoy me. Actually, he did it to annoy me back then too. Its kind of stuck."

"I see."

"But, i-it's not like we're actually going to call him May...we just...haven't r-really thought of any names yet...not boys names anyway, and its kind of like a place holder name or whatever..."

"I understand."

Her eyes had flicked involuntarily to April's stomach and an awkward silence had fallen between them. Meredith felt guilty because, judging by the way April's eyes were darting around, it seemed that she was doing a terrible job of hiding her envy. She was making the other woman uncomfortable, and while she'd never been exceptionally close to April, Meredith did consider her a friend now. The last thing she wanted to do was make her feel bad.

"Um," Meredith tried to clear the air. "Alex working tonight?"

"Yeah..." April nodded vigorously.

The attempt to overcome the mood clearly wasn't working so Meredith looked down at the frilly bags and shiny packages April had brought over, "These are really lovely, April."

"We...picked them out just for you..." April swallowed and tilted her head from side to side. "Well actually...I picked them out, and Alex...approved. He really did help pick Zola's though. And he signed all the cards."

Meredith chuckled, "Sounds like him."

She licked her lips and looked up to meet the re-haired woman's gaze, "Has he...has he been doing okay? He hasn't really said anything about it."

Meredith hadn't needed to explain her question. 'It' was the fact that his mother was now indefinitely committed, along with his brother, to an Iowa mental health facility.

"I guess so..." April sighed, and twisted the handle of her cane in a full cirlce. "He's doing better than I would be...He-he didn't really talk about it at first...he still mostly doesn't. But I found this clinical trial for a medicine that's had some promising lab results, and he's going to let me try to get his mom and Aaron in it. He doesn't usually want to try stuff like that..."

"No."

"So that's something."

"It is."

"And we're really just trying to be in the moment. With the baby and everything. Enjoy what we have, you know?"

"I know."

The silence was back. Meredith had been at a loss as to what to do or say next. Actually, except for a few slightly awkward and unsolicited shopping trips back when Cristina had first gone to Stanford, she and April had never really spent that much time alone together, one on one. Usually they socialized with Alex, Derek, and Zola at a minimum, and often with Jackson, Mara, Callie and the rest of them too. Meredith didn't think it was intentional, but she never really gone out of her way to spend time with April alone. Maybe it was a can of worms she just didn't want to get into. April had been alone with her for significant portions of the worst day of her life. The day she'd miscarried. The day Derek had almost died. Not that any of that was April's fault. Well, not intentionally. It was just...a hurt Meredith had. One of many. They'd hardly had a typical friendship. They had barely talked before the shooting, and then the only reason they'd really gotten closer after that was because April had almost died. Hardly a normal progression.

April winced and twisted the edge of her shirt, "Meredith...I know...I'm not...I mean, I've never been your favorite person in the world."

"April its not-"

The other woman flushed deeply and pressed forward, ignoring Meredith's attempt to interrupt, "I can be...annoying, I know. I follow the rules a little too much. And when we first met I'm sure I was worse, and I had a stupid crush on your husband, but it wasn't anything to worry about, and I called you 'Mrs. Shepherd', and I don't have a very g-good filter. I just say things...kind of like now...and I've been living in your house, and I know you said it was okay, but..."

"April," Meredith said firmly. "that was years ago. I like you. I do. I'm just good with people sometimes. That's me. And if I didn't like you already, seeing what you've done for Alex, I'd have to start. Really..."

Her friend's wide eyed stare darted to her clasped hands. She'd licked her lips and moved one hand almost absent mindedly to her belly as she spoke again, "I know...I know that this whole thing...with me being pregnant and all, it's hard for you...I know how terrible it was when...when...it happened. I can't even imagine what that would be like..."

Meredith supposed there was no way April had forgotten their time together  _that_  day either. Maybe the unconscious avoidance of being alone together ran both ways, "I hope you never have to find out."

"Well, I...I haven't talked to Alex about this, and I don't even think he's worried about it, but I have been thinking...um...you're Alex's best friend. I know he probably doesn't tell you...he never really says how he feels with words so much, so...but he trusts you. So, I thought, if something were ever to happen to Alex and me...I'd trust you too. To-to take care of my baby...that is," April rambled, gulping nervously. "If you'd want to..."

Meredith had blinked in surprise. She hadn't been sure what direction April was going, but this was not where she'd thought this conversation was leading. She was really touched that April was asking her.

"You think you want me to be the Godmother? Wouldn't you rather it was one of your sisters or something..."

April had nodded in relief, "I mean, my sisters would always be there for him too. Obviously...it's just...they don't know Alex like you do...and if I wasn't around, if we both weren't...I'd want my son to know about his father too. My sisters would have me covered, and I thought you could teach him about Alex-I mean, if you wanted to...It was just a thought."

"I'd be honored to be the Godmother, April. Really, I would."

And suddenly, even more of Meredith's envy had started to disappear, along with some of her awkwardness around April. She'd already felt a connection to baby Karev, and this would only strengthen that. She still had moments of wondering what if. What if Gary Clark had never come to Seattle Grace that day? What if she hadn't miscarried? What if she didn't have baby squishing fibroid in her uterus? Well, she probably would have Zola. And that was unimaginable. Besides, what ifs, weren't really worth wondering about. They would never happen. Something that was worth thinking about and getting excited, however, was her future godson. Who, if Meredith had anything to do with it, would certainly not be called 'May', even as a place holder.

Meredith was pulled from her thoughts, when she heard a tiny conversation between her daughter and husband.

"Look at this one Zozo," Derek said, holding up a simple silver object. "You remember this? This is your first ever ornament. We got it for you when we were waiting for you to come live with us..."

"Yeah?" Zola held out her hand and poked at the decoration.

"Yes. We had to wait a long time to get you," Derek continued.

"Like we waitin for UncAlex and Apol baby?"

They'd had to start explaining to Zola about pregnancy and babies and everything. Aside from Alex and April's impending parenthood, Nicholas, one of Zola's preschool friends, would soon have a baby sister. Naturally curious, Zola had started to ask a lot of questions. It had made Meredith nervous at first. She'd been worried that learning about how babies were born would make her daughter feel bad or different because she had been adopted. Derek had argued that Zola was barely 3, and that it was actually probably a great time to explain everything to her. They had always told her in child-friendly terms that she was adopted, but now learning about it all in conjunction with actual pregnancies, Zola's comprehension seemed to be opening up. Meredith's fears were unfounded.

"That's right," Derek nodded, slowly lifting the ornament in the air and gazing at it.

"Cuz, you gotta always wait to get babies."

"Absolutely," Meredith agreed, stepping over and taking the ornament from Derek's fingers and placing it to a branch that the little girl eagerly pointed to.

"Tummy babies or 'dopted ones!" Zola said confidently. "But you luv 'em just the same."

"Yes we do," Meredith nodded, blinking hard again a sudden onslaught of mistiness.

"You're so smart Zola," Derek knelt down and pulled her into his lap and started to tickle the giggly child.

"I know!" Zola screeched as her father continued to tickle her.

What ifs were useless. Right nows, like this very moment, those were the moments Meredith lived for. And those were the ones she would strive to focus on.


	6. Chapter 6

It started with the sounds of movement up stairs. Footsteps. Toilets flushing. Shower water. A screech from a little girl. Mumbling nonsensically, Alex blinked, only dimly aware that April was stirring next to him, before he turned over on his side, letting sleep overtake him once more.

A short time later it was other noises that filtered in. Muffled talking, the clanking of dishes in the kitchen, laughter, and the sound of chairs scraping across a wooden floor. Then there was singing. Freaking singing!

_"Rockin' around the Christmas Tree! Let the Christmas Spirit ring..."_  Jesus Christ.

Groaning, Alex shifted and squinted as he slowly woke up in an unfamiliar bed. Completely opening his eyes, he could make out Amber in the far corner of the room on the air mattress, bundled up with a mountain of blankets. She was starting to stir too, sitting up, with her hair all tangled. She scowled out at the dimly lit room and reached for her cellphone, pressing the button that allowed her to check the time.

"Oh my god," Amber moaned, flopping back down onto her pillows. "It's 6:42 am!"

"Damn..." Alex agreed.

"It'll still be Christmas Day at 10."

"Mhmm..." Alex grumbled, twisting around and pulling his head beneath his pillow.

"They're freaks, Alex! All of them."

"I know," he nodded, even though he knew his sister couldn't see.

All freaks. That was true. They were crashing in the spare bedroom on the first floor of the Kepner farm surrounded by freaks. Amber wouldn't know that though, because this was her first time spending a holiday with them. Christmas in Ohio with April's family. And it seemed like everyone and their mother had spent the freakin' night. So that they could have breakfast and open presents together first thing. Tradition. Yada yada. Blah blah. They were all there. Joe and Karen. Kimmie, Wendell, and their kid. Libby, Mike, and their kids. At least, Alex and April had an excuse to be staying there. They were from out of town. And there weren't really any hotels in Cook, Ohio. The rest of them were just crazy. At least Deigo and Alice had had the common sense to spend this year in Chicago with his family. Otherwise, Alex was sure they'd have ended up cramming someone in the barn.

But to be fair, except for the sleep deprivation, Alex knew that he and Amber didn't really have much to complain about. Holidays here sure as hell beat what they'd known in Iowa. Beat what they'd experienced at Thanksgiving. No beatings, no kidnappings, no crazy. Here, waking up to a cold space next to him bed didn't make his heart stop.

So what if Mike ribbed Alex about being an Iowa State Alum? And who cared if Kimmie kept mentioning that she'd read in the paper that the local clinic was short of doctors? Or if Libby and Karen looked like they were about to burst from keeping the babies gender a secret from Joe until he opened his gift? Or that Wendell kept commenting about youth defiance and irresponsibility somehow relating it all to the blue died streak in Amber's hair? Whatever.

There was good food. Nice people. April was happy, if a little hormonal (not that he had the balls to actually mention the hormones to her face). Amber built 'architecturally sound' snow forts with the nieces (not that Alex understood how something made out of snow could actually be architecturally sound). All in all it was okay compared to what they had known before. Even if the Kepners were all freaks.

Faint giggling and the creaking of the door made Alex roll over and sit up. One of April's nieces, basically one of his too, if he thought about it, Tiffany, peered through the doorway.

"Sneak," he teased, biting back a yawn.

"Um..." excited the 6 year old leaned on the door and hopped from foot to foot. "Are you waking up yet?"

Amber groaned again, and Alex slowly pulled himself out of the bed, "Do we have a choice?"

"Well, we have breakfast..." Tiffany offered hopefully. She looked at her feet and whispered, "And...Gramma said we can't open anything until everyone in the family is awake."

The truth comes out. Scratching his stomach and pushing his feet, Alex padded over to the open door, "They are holding your presents hostage? That's a low blow."

He yawned and stretched, wincing at the amount of aches and popping joints he had. Tiffany looked up at him hopefully, hanging on the door handle. What the hell? It wasn't like there was much of a shot at sleeping in anyway. Smiling down at her, Alex said, "I suppose for your sake we can drag ourselves out there."

"Speak for yourself," Amber's voice was muffled by her blankets. "I'm not a member of the family and I don't wanna be if it means I have to get up this early."

Tiffany's face fell and she said earnestly, "But Amber! We like you!  _Please?_ "

"Come on, Amber," Alex added to the plea. "Think of the presents..."

Sighing dramatically, Amber sat up and untangled herself from her bed, stumbling over to the door. Rubbing her eyes she regarded Tiffany seriously, "Fine, I'll get up. You owe me, squirt."

"You're getting up?" Tiffany looked like she was about to burst. Smiling she turned and ran down the hall, past wall that Alex called 'museum of Kepner' because of all the pictures hanging there. Amber and Alex winced as the girl screeched, "They're getting up! Everybody is awake now!"

And so, reluctantly, Alex and Amber experienced their very first Christmas with the Kepners. When they made it to the living room, Alex almost laughed when he saw them all. Awake and bushy tailed and talking up a storm. Settling down on the couch, he grinned as April came out of the kitchen carrying a steaming hot mug. He playfully grabbed the cup out of her hands as she curled up next to him.

"Hey! This isn't coffee..."

"No, it's peppermint hot chocolate, and it's mine! And Merry Christmas to you too," April huffed, grabbing the mug back and slapping the back of his head.

"Oh yeah," he looked sheepish and kissed her cheek. "Merry Christmas, April."

April glanced up from the mug and held his gaze for a moment before they both cracked up. In fairly short order everyone filtered into the living room and the present opening commenced. Alex hated to admit it, but it was kind of fun. Everyone opening their crap, kids running through the discarded wrapping paper, and all the women, except Amber, ohing and ahhing over the gifts at increasingly higher pitches. Even Amber seemed like she was having fun, once she had a cup of coffee in her.

Biting his lip, and gently resting his hand on April's bad knee, Alex remembered the last Christmas his whole family had spent together before everyone got carted off to foster care. Amber had been maybe 4 or 5, and Aaron had been closer to 9, and he'd been a young teen. Something like that. And his dad had gone out and gotten all shit faced the night before. He'd come home late and started beating on their mom. Alex could remember creeping into Amber's room and soothing her back to sleep with promises that it would all be okay, Santa still came to houses where Daddies yell, and wanting to walk out there and beat the snot out of his father. It wasn't that many months later that he'd done just that. And then their dad had left and their mom couldn't cope, and he and Aaron and Amber had all gone onto the system.

Freakin' A. Some childhood. Moments like this really drove home to Alex exactly how different his family and April's really were. Even now, sitting here at Christmas, even with everyone being almost obnoxiously welcoming, it still felt a little bit like he and Amber were out of place. Like they didn't fit in. Maybe it was just because last time he was at the farm, he'd hit it off with Alice and Diego, the members of April's family who weren't here now, but Alex was more than a little worried they never would really fit in. At least 'May' wouldn't have to worry about that. This was going to be his kid's extended family no matter what.

And one thing was certain. Alex would never ever ever allow his own son to experience a childhood like his. Never. He'd leave before it got close to anything like that, if it came down to it. A frown appeared on his lips as he thought of his mother. That wasn't the kind of life Alex would let April have either. He'd take himself out of the damn equation the second he thought he was turning into one half the guy his dad was. Not that he'd told April any of this. Alex knew he'd come a long way or whatever from the kid he'd been back then, but a small part of him was still terrified that when it came right down to it, he'd turn out to be like his father. And he didn't actually think it was going to turn out that way really, it was just a possibility he thought about sometimes. He just knew he'd never let his son and April have crappy lives. One way or another.

Alex was pulled from his thoughts be a particularly excited shriek from the woman next to him as she unwrapped a gift.

"Oh Kimmie!" April squeaked, carefully pulling out what appeared to be a scrap work blanket and holding it close to her chest. Oh boy. Alex braced himself and laid a hand on his fiancee's shoulder. Here come the waterworks. Sure enough, soon April was full scale blubbering.

"April-showers, even in December..." murmured Wendell, which earned him a withering glare and a sharp retort from his wife.

"She's pregnant, leave her alone." Now freakin' Kimmie was crying too, along with Karen and Libby. Even Joe Kepner was dabbing at his eyes.

Alex shrugged and pulled April close, exchanging a look of utter confusion with Amber across the room. His sister looked from person to person questioningly.

"What the he-eck?"

A look from Libby, caused Amber to re-route the vocabulary choice she'd made, making Tiffany and her big sister Claire giggle. Alex didn't freakin' know what was going on. It was just a quilt or whatever. He should have explained to his sister that tears were a pretty routine part of things when April and at least one of her sisters were in the same room. Seemed like that anyway.

"Alex," April said, wiping her eyes and holding out the quilt. "It's...special. For the baby."

He nodded, wincing a little bit, and took an edge of the cloth. There were patches of green, yellow, white, and purple. Some seemed to have faded images of animals, lambs or something...and he wasn't an expert, but Alex was pretty sure he could make out faint stains. It just didn't seem like the sort of thing April would be all gaga about. Not all mismatched, patch work, and  _stains_. Right?

He replied tentatively,"I can see that..."

"It's made of all  _our_  baby blankets, from when we were little," she continued, taking the quilt and rubbing the yellow patch against her cheek. "Thank you so much, Kimmie."

"Well, we thought, since you two live so far away...it'd be a way to connect all of us to the baby," Kimmie sniffed. "Even if we can't always be there in person."

"Uh, that's nice. Thanks..." He hadn't even gotten the words all the way out before it was blubber city all over again.

Alex supposed it was kind of sweet. He wasn't really the sentimental type, and he didn't know what it was like to have a family like this, but it kind of made him happy to think that his kid would. His boy had a bunch of crazy aunts who already loved him so much. And that wasn't even just looking at April's sisters, or even aunts who were related by blood. Mer and even Cristina totally counted.

Joe's gift was saved for last, and by the time April laid the square wrapped package in her father's lap, Alex thought she was about to pee herself with excitement. Then again, he supposed he should be more generous, considering that she did have a small person pushing on her bladder and so it would be perfectly reasonable if she did have to pee. Or whatever.

"What's this, Ladybug?" the old dude asked April as he carefully began to unwrap the gift.

Amber rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath, "It's tacky."

His sister had made no secret of the fact that she thought their plan (more April's than his) for the baby's big gender reveal with Joe was a little lame. Alex thought it was a little lame too. A blue framed ultrasound, complete with a helpful arrow and happily printed letters proclaiming 'it's a boy!". It was one thing for him to carry around a copy of May's ultrasound in his wallet, or for April to hang it on the fridge. They were the parents. What exactly anyone else would do with copies of it was beyond Alex. However, he did know that Joe was a strange sort of guy. He'd tried to explain to Amber that Joe was just the sort of person who'd love a lame gift. And he'd love the surprise of finding out he was having a grandson. He was a puzzle.

"It's from me and Alex, Dad," April grinned and nudged Alex, resting one hand on her belly.

If there was one thing Alex wanted to remember from the whole freaking holiday, it was the look on Joe's face as his held the small picture frame in his lap, and the ramifications of what he was looking at slowly dawned on him. First he scrunched his nose, and fished a pair of thick framed glasses out of his ratty bathrobe's pocket.

"It's one of the ultrasound pictures, right?" he said quietly, brow furrowed, lifting the photo closer to read. Then his jaw dropped, and his eyes kept flicking back and forth, reading the text again and again. He blinked rapidly, and words seemed to catch in his throat. Karen perched on the armrest of his chair and looked down at the frame.

"Look, Joe. A grandson!" Mike, Wendell and the nieces all perked up too. April's mother and sister's had done apparently kept them in the dark as much as Joe.

"Oh my," Joe breathed, when he was finally able to speak again. He lifted his gaze, and shifted it back and forth between April and Alex. "Isn't that something..."

"Our cousin is gonna be a boy? Boy's are icky," Claire asked, frowning.

"Pretty much," Amber whispered. "But they clean up okay."

"So, since you two aren't married," Mike said smugly to Alex, with his arms crossed. "Does that mean this kid'll carry on the Kepner name? Isn't that what they do for unmarried mothers?"

Alex fumed. Oh yeah. Real smart ass. The fact that this baby was unplanned, and that they couldn't really afford any kind of a wedding right now was still a sore spot for Alex. He realized that because of his family or whatever he had more loan debt, and expenses then most guys his age. Between his mom and Aaron and Amber, things got expensive. If April had gotten together and wanted to marry someone else with his income, marriage might have been possible sooner. And he wanted to give April the kind of wedding she'd dreamed of. And Mike didn't know crap. He kind of wanted to punch the guy, but given the setting he decided to settle with chewing his would be brother in law out.

But before he would speak or so much as move a muscle, two voices shouted, "Shut up!"

Mike shifted, uncomfortable, under the glares of both April and Amber. If looks could kill, Alex thought that Mike would have been cold and dead in the ground before he could even blink. His sister scowled and Alex realized with a mixture of amusement and pride that April was twisting her cane handle ominously.

"What are you trying to imply, Mike?" she hissed, popping the hard consonants out with all the precision and sharpness of an arrow, without letting her brother in law look away from her for a minute.

"Nothing, nothing," Libby attempted to placate the situation, and failing miserably. "We've just been trying to teach the girls that the way things should go is first marriage-"

"Oh?" April snapped. "So I am not doing things the  _right_ way?"

"Well, now I didn't say that, but frankly-"

"Alex and April can do whatever they want. No one cares! It's the freakin' 21st century," Amber rolled her eyes. "Everywhere else in America it's the 21st century. It may not have made it to Cook yet, but by the time your kids grow up, it will. So worry about other crap."

The little girls looked at Amber with something akin to hero worship and Claire whispered, "Amber yelled at  _Mommy_!"

"Settle down everybody. Let's not spoil the moment," Joe said, still completely absorbed in his gift. It was like he only had eyes for that picture frame. He smiled slightly and shook his head, "A boy..."

His words seemed to calm everyone down and then Karen started organizing the little ones with paper clean up and ushering people in the kitchen for Christmas waffles. Soon only April and Alex remained on the couch, along with Joe in his chair with his picture. Alex still felt sullen, but April's anger seemed to have vanished with the flick of a switch. Hormones were scary like that.

April rose from the couch and went to hug her father, "Are you happy, Dad?"

Joe leaned up and kissed his daughter's cheek, "I would have been happy with a healthy grandchild of any gender."

"I know," April grinned. "But still..."

Joe looked over to Alex over his daughter's shoulder, and Alex once again got that strangely uncomfortable sense he always had around April's father. It was like Joe could read his thoughts, see his past, and knew his feelings. It made Alex feel utterly exposed. Breaking eye contact, Alex whiped at his mouth and joined the conversation.

"Still..." he shrugged. "You're used to chicks."

Easing himself to his feet, Joe only smiled, "This old farmer needs a little breakfast."

On his way to the kitchen, April's father squeezed his shoulder, speaking softly so only Alex could hear, "I always knew I liked you."

Alex gulped. Strange dude. Settling back next to him on the couch, April looked at Alex apologetically.

"I'm  _so_  sorry about all that. Mike has always been a bit..."

"Whatever."

"They're just old fashioned."

"I noticed," Alex pursed his lips and ran his hands down his knees, and trying to avoid the topic. "That's not the only thing we learned."

"Really?"

He lifted the baby quilt from the edge of the couch, and smirked, fingering the faded patches, "Sure. We've learned that you have a kid and people stop giving  _you_  presents. Everything is for the kid. Even before you have them."

They both threw their heads back in laughter before April turned to face Alex and rested her hand on his knee, "You know...I could give you a special present..."

"Oh?" Her hand crept higher and Alex jumped.  _That_  kind of present. "Oh yeah?"

Nodding, April bit her lip and fingered his chest, "Yeah..."

Alex ran his hand down April's back and leaned over to trail kisses down her neck. Hormones were scary things, but they had their perks. However, at the sound of a loud crash and a child crying in the kitchen they sprang apart. They were in her parents house. Not the place to get caught up in the moment. Her sister and brother in law apparently already thought they were bad influences or whatever. Best not to make that impression any worse than it already was.

"Well," April amended sheepishly. "...when we get back. Obviously."

Alex nodded, "Right."

* * *

Opening the door to the attendings lounge, April rubbed her back and fought back a yawn. Limping into the room, she headed straight to her lunch in the refrigerator. She stared glumly at the sandwich, bag of celery and cup of applesauce that awaited her. Pulling them out, and grabbing a water bottle, April gingerly lowered herself onto the blue couch along the lounge's back room. What she really wanted was watermelon. Hard to get for a reasonable price at the end of January. Winter and everything. Still, she wanted watermelon. Watermelon or chocolate chip cookies. Better yet, both.

At 5 months pregnant, April thought she was actually feeling pretty good, if a little bit disconcerted. She was pretty tired these days. The nausea had finally finally stopped. This meant that she didn't have to spend her mornings hunched over the porcelain toiled bowl, which meant that her knee wasn't constantly throbbing. She still had to use a cane for balance, but the reduction in sharp pains was amazing. April would take a dull ache over shooting pains any day. As the baby grew, her stomach grew, along with other parts of her body. Not useful parts, of course. Not parts that she might want to grow, like say her butt or boobs...or...no. April's fingers seemed swollen, she'd almost gotten stuck in her engagement ring earlier in the week. Her feet seemed to be growing too, and she had to loosen the laces of her work sneakers in order to feel like her circulation wasn't being cut off. Dr. McCaw said both water retention and foot growth were perfectly normal.

So too, was the apparent return of April's acne. People kept commenting that she had that pregnant 'glow', but April really suspected it was really just a way of not commenting on the return of her pimples. They hadn't looked good on her when she was a teenager, and April certainly didn't think they looked any better now, at almost 32. No amount of cover up or facial cleansers or anything seemed to make much of a difference. Today's big offender was a lovely large red splotch on her cheek. Oh joy.

April unwrapped her sandwich and began to eat in earnest. She had a skills lab to teach in 30 minutes. Trauma certification. So far this week she'd covered skin sutures, ROC, and triage practice. She'd been doing more and more skills labs, administrative, and second stage surgeries. She supposed it was only going to get worse as she got further and further along. She was becoming less and less of an asset in high stress, face paced incoming traumas. She couldn't move as quickly as she needed to, and she tired easily. Even April could admit that. The chief had suggested she work on some articles she'd started earlier on in her fellowship. She had been meaning to finish and get published, but the slow back off from intense work in the pit made April uneasy. Between her leg and this baby, twice in the past 3 years would she be falling behind in her surgical work.

Chewing her sandwich bitterly, April shook her head. She didn't really know why, but she had always tended to be a little insecure in her surgical abilities. It was a huge part of the reason she was so methodical and precise in double checking procedures. It was also the reason the fast pace of trauma worked well for her. In cardio or neuro, you had to plan each procedure in great detail in advance, and there was plenty of time to second guess your abilities, decision, and approach. When a trauma rolled in, things were very immediate, and April could zone in on the problem of assesing and treating each patient's pressing injuries. Organize, prioritize, follow the checklist and get on with it. She'd gotten a lot better with confidence since becoming an attending, but the fact that she was backing of on OR time recently wasn't doing much to boost her confidence.

Sighing, April continued to eat. Her second trimester was proving to be less painful and vomit filled than the first but sometimes she just felt like a terribly awkward, moody, big footed, pimple faced, surgical wash out. And she was still afraid she was dragging Alex down somehow too. The board was going ahead with the whole Africa project thing, and as much as Alex didn't want to talk about it, April could tell that it wasn't going the exact direction he wanted it to. And he'd probably have gotten more of a say in things if he was the one they'd be sending to Malawi in the summer. But she'd gotten pregnant and...well, sometimes it just made her want to wallow. Which in turn made her feel guilty be cause she was having the most perfect baby and that was awesome, so she had no right to feel like wallowing. April bit into her lunch viciously.

"Kepner, what did that celery ever do to you?"

April's head snapped up as Dr. Bailey slipped into the lounge and opened the fridge. She could almost laugh at the tone the other woman was using, except for the fact that she was still more than a little afraid of the short surgeon. April vividly remembered helping the older woman once when she was drunk, and thinking that they'd forged a friendship, only to be told that the whole thing "never happened". Ever since, she could never tell 100% sure where she stood with Dr. Bailey. Based on her observations, she suspected that many people felt this way.

April shrugged, "It's a vegetable."

"Ha! That's hardly a crime," Bailey grabbed her own tupperware lunch and sat down on the couch next to April. She fished around in her lunch and handed April a handful of chocolate kisses. "Here."

Taking the candy, April slowly unwrapped a piece, "Thank you. I know I shouldn't. I feel like a total blimp."

Miranda looked at her skeptically, "Girl, before this is over you gonna to feel like the Hindenburg. Besides, little chocolate can be good for your mental health. "

"It suppose I'd feel better if I didn't have pimples, or if my shoes fit, or I wasn't so tired or-" April stopped mid-sentence, and glanced over to Dr. Bailey, trying to gauge the other woman's response. She didn't want to get off on a ramble and irritate Bailey if she didn't want to hear. But Bailey was just nodding, with her lips pursed.

Removing the lid from her plastic wear Bailey, began to eat, saying only, "Boy babies...before they're even born they can suck the life right out of you."

Was that true? What if it was? April's eyes grew wide and she swallowed. They ate in silence and April stood to leave. "I-I have to g-go run trauma cert-ification."

She had just reached the door when Bailey spoke again, "It'll all work out Kepner. Men might cause trouble from the very beginning, but your little boy will also bring you more joy than you can understand. Even if, right now, he's making your feet swell."

April was overcome with a sudden surge of affection for Dr. Bailey. She really didn't hate April after all, "Thank you so much Dr. Bailey...that really makes me feel better. It's just so overwhelming sometimes...all of this, but you're right. I was never actually sure that you really liked me but now, it seems like we're so much closer-"

"Kepner," Bailey interrupted, holding up one hand. "Go do your trauma training."

Nodding earnestly April left and quickly made her way to the skills lab. Walking in urgently, April surveyed the familiar group of 4th year residents. Olant, Chi, Rooney, Waldo, and everyone else. Sitting around looking bored. They had no idea what was coming. April felt exhilaration. Energized. Food and talking with Dr. Bailey had lifted her spirits. She burst into the room and began using her free arm to distribute trauma gowns.

Maybe she was going to end up the size of the she'd get pimples. She'd be tired and her back was going to keep aching. But she was growing a baby. And he was already wonderful. Better than wonderful. She was getting used to the feeling of his movements, and she was beginning to tell his little schedule and routine. He moved most in the afternoons and late and night. Hardly ever in the morning. Shock of shocks, given that Alex was his Daddy. She could hardly wait to hold him in her arms. Bailey was right. And she didn't hate April. Double good.

Clapping her hands and using her most serious voice, April yelled, "Charter plane was forced into an emergency landing and collided with a greyhound bus! Mass causality situation! You are all needed in ambulance bay 2."

The residents stared back at her, shocked.

"Do I need to say it again? Move! I'll meet you there. Go, go, go!"

Chairs creaked on the tile floor and her residents began to fly out of the room. April smirked as she followed their quickly retreating backs, knowing that they were really about to find a parking lot full of dummies, and an index card laden Steve Mostow when they finished their sprint. She realized that she actually liked doing this. Teaching was a lot like trauma in a strange way, and she was willing to throw herself into it while she had to. If April couldn't always be in the OR, this might actually be as worthwhile substitute for her talents. Surveying the glum faces that met her arrival to ambulance bay 2, April mused that maybe teaching was more worthwhile. She liked helping them. April thought she might actually be _good_ at teaching them.

"Welcome to trauma certification! We are going to split up into 3 teams. Each team will be responsible for 9 casualties. You may treat your patients using only what you can carry," April rattled off, holding up a hand against the grumbles. "The evac helicopter is on its way. The object of this exercise is to get your patients on to that helicopter."

Residents were beginning to cluster in groups, already forming teams. April leaned on her cane and examined the entire group, looking every young doctor in the eye. "Certification will be determined by me based on your performances today. Remembering everything we have gone over, I want each and every one of you to show me what you can do."

* * *

Jackson and Meredith sat huddled together at a table in the back of the dermatology waiting room scrambling to finish a guest list for April's baby shower. Neither Jackson nor herself were the most enthusiastic types about baby showers. He seemed more like he'd be comfortable planning the kind of party where caterers and professional decorators would be involved, and she had a toddler at home and almost no time to do anything. But Alex was due to meet them in a few minutes so Meredith knew that they really needed to get a move on.

"Being the godparent means we'll take care of the baby if Alex and April die," Jackson said, frowning at his pen. "Neither of us signed up to be party planners."

Meredith nodded vigorously. She found it kind of ironic that April had asked her to be the godmother because of her friendship with Alex, while Alex had done basically the same thing with Jackson because of his friendship with April. Not 'asked' so much as Alex cornered Jackson in Meredith's backyard two months previous, at the New Year's party, and  _told_  him that he was the baby's godfather. And Meredith also found if rather funny that both she and Jackson would probably say that their childhoods were adversely affected in one way or another, by being related to famous surgeons. Yet, Alex and April seemed to deem them both suitable to raise their child in the event that they couldn't. A Grey and an Avery. Cristina joked that the baby aught to bump Alex and April off right away, just so they could get ahead and benefit most from the Grey and Avery legacy, plus some bonus Shepherd influence on the side, combined with the poor little orphan syndrome. Perfect for a kick ass future surgeon. Her friend's sense of humor was pretty terrible, but even Meredith had cracked a smile.

"We could just call Lexie," Meredith suggested. "Or ask the ER nurses..."

Both her sister and the nurses seemed like they were much more the 'shower planning types', compared to herself and Jackson. Although, she supposed the two of them working on it was better than Alex working alone.

Suddenly, Jackson's brow furrowed and he straightened his shoulders, "We do not need to call Lexie...last thing I need is for Sloan to hear that I needed his girl's help to plan a simple party. He'd never let me live it down. We don't need help. We can do this."

Meredith chuckled and shook her head. The competition between Avery and his mentor went on. Even after he wasn't a resident anymore. It was kind of funny actually. And it had gotten funnier since Mark and Lexie had tentatively resumed their relationship with each other. Now the competition suddenly, though unwillingly, seemed to include Mara and Lexie as much as it did Jackson and Mark. At least from the men's perspectives, anyway. Meredith new full well from talking to her sister, that the women had no part in any of it.

"Okay," Meredith said, clearing her throat and pointing her pen to the blank sheet of paper. "At the very least, we can copy some stuff from Callie's shower. April liked all those stupid games, right?"

"She did," Jackson agreed.

"And the onesie decorating?"

"For sure."

"Well, how about you write down a rough guest list and I'll start writing what I remember from the other shower."

Both of them got down to business quickly, and Meredith had to admit that the whole 'working better under pressure' thing kind of worked. By the time Alex stalked into dermatology, both she and Jackson had lists ready. She doubted Alex would suspect that they hadn't done it all in advance, rather than in the past few minutes. Jackson smirked across the table at her as Alex joined them at the table and immediately began perusing the guest list he'd made up.

"What did you invite the whole hospital?" Alex asked Jackson suspiciously.

"No, just the people April might like to have come."

"Olant, Chi, Lindtz. Freakin' residents?"

"She likes them."

"We went to showers all the time when we were residents, Alex," Meredith pointed out diplomatically. "Free food."

"That was different."

Avery rolled his eyes, "How?"

"It's no so free anymore, now I have to pay for it."

Jackson shrugged, "It's only a preliminary list. We can cut it down."

"Whatever," Alex continued reading the list. "Who the hell is Melissa...Adamson..."

His voice trailed off, and he shifted uncomfortably. Adamson. Had to be related to Reed in some way. Dead Reed. Shot Reed. Reed who she'd never liked, or gotten to know. Reed who had passed her on the way to the bathroom once in the last moments of her lift. Reed who April had cried for during Derek's surgery. And it always brought up unpleasant memories for Meredith to think about that day. The day a shooter had come into the hospital and shot her husband and many other people, including Alex and April's best friend. Meredith wasn't surprised to see that it brought up stuff for Alex too. He didn't want to think about that day anymore than she did. That day in May. May. Meredith realized that maybe April had more than one reason for objecting to Alex's nickname for their unborn baby.

"Reed's mom," Jackson said nonchalantly. He shrugged again and looked between Alex and Meredith defensively when they only stared skeptically in response. "What? She lives in the area. April stays in touch. They get coffee sometimes. I do too. I also play basketball with Charles' brother about once a month."

Alex winced, "Really? She never said...Isn't that weird?"

"It was hard at first, but...we knew their families before they..." Jackson swallowed. "Before. And I think they'd want us to make sure their families are okay. Just because they died doesn't mean we stopped being their friends. I think April would invite her, and I know Mrs. Adamson would want to come..."

Alex looked thoughtful and Meredith sighed. She supposed it made sense. It made her feel guilty. George's mother had come in for a surgery a couple years back, and what had she done? Been awkward, stiff. It was just painful. She still missed George deeply. But she realized that Jackson and April clearly missed Reed and Charles at least as much as she missed her own friend. She knew that Torres had started to stay in contact with Mrs. O'Malley again, sending her pictures and updates about Sofia and stuff. Maybe she'd ask Callie for the number. She knew George would have spoiled Zola, and it now occured to her that Mrs. O' Malley might enjoy updates on her little girl as well. Maybe even a visit. After all, Louise O'Malley lived in Seattle.

"We won't cut her from the list then," Meredith said finally. Jackson nodded, but Alex still seemed to be miles away. She nudged him, "Right, Alex?"

He seemed to come back from them and he nodded vigorously, "Yeah, whatever."

Clearing his throat Alex, quickly read through the list of activities and supplies Meredith had come up with, which honestly was just a rip off of Callie's. He nodded and said, "This looks good. But I want to have it at the house, not the hospital."

"Okay," Meredith agreed.

"We'll have it at the house so there is absolutely no need to drive the next day. Cuz driving worked out so well after the shower for Torres..." Alex's face held a hard serious expression and radiated from his eyebrows right down to his frown. It would have been funny, except it was a hundred percent true. After the last baby shower that any of them had cared about, Arizona and Callie had had a huge car accident and Sofia had been born early and they'd both almost died. It was not an event any of them were eager to repeat.

Going over the rest of the list, Alex seemed to be satisfied with what they had so far. Before leaving he suggested a party date near the end of march, and offered a sincere 'thanks or whatever' for all the help they were giving, revealing to Meredith just how nervous he was about the whole thing. Alex rarely thanked people. At the sound of his pager, Alex rushed away, leaving Jackson and Meredith to pack up their notebooks alone.

"We're so good at this..." Jackson commented, sliding his pen into the pocket of his lab coat.

Meredith laughed, "Procrastination? Absolutely. Shower planning? Jury's still out."

Be that as it may, she couldn't resist meeting Avery's hand in a triumphant high five.

* * *

Alex rolled away from April and they both stared at the ceiling breathing hard, riding out the afterglow. Hell of a good morning. Resting her head on his chest, April giggled.

"No giggling," he teased, brushing her hair behind his ears. His comment only made her breathless laughter continue.

Since freakin' new year April had been more interested in screwing than he had  _ever_  known her to be. Which, according to the unappealingly thick book about pregnancy and fatherhood April had given him, was actually a fairly normal thing. Scary hormones and whatever. Not that he'd read the book or anything. Sure, he'd skimmed a few pages, but it was all crap he'd learned in med school anyway. And...whatever. It was just  _not_ the April he'd gotten used to when it came to sex. He wasn't used to her being all stomach, and hormones, and...attitude. It was great and all, but Alex didn't always know quite what to do with it. Especially when he had a  _million_  things on his mind and she freakin' woke him up by...

He jumped as April's hands began to roam again, and her lips pressed to his. He kissed back and it all was starting again, but for some reason Alex couldn't get lost in it. Maybe he wasn't sure how safe it would be that quick again and everything, or because they both had shifts at the hospital today...it wasn't like he was worried about that board meeting he had at 2. The one that would teleconference with Nambosi and freaking Lucy Fields. The bitch who had weaseled her way in on  _his_  project. Not once, but twice. He wasn't worried or pissed about that at all.

Sensing his reluctance, April pulled back and watched him closely, "Alex?"

"We'll be late," he said gruffly, swinging his legs out of the bed to get up.

April awkwardly scooted after him, mindful of her leg, and getting more and more twisted in the bed sheets. She bit her lip and ran her eyes up and down his body hungrily and retorted, "Not if we hurry."

Today was not a day Alex could afford to be late or even close to being late. Because he needed time to go over his notes before the meeting. So he knew everything in and out. Because Lucy freakin' Fields was skyping in and he was damned if he was going to look like an idiot in front of that bitch. He had to be at his top game.

"Quickie smicky..." Alex said pulling his hand away, and padding his barefoot way to the bathroom.

"Alex," April tried again. "We won't be late...I want-"

He turned around and snapped, "Look, I don't want to screw again right now, okay?"

"You don't want to because...you don't think I'm... att-ractive anymore. I look like a whale..." April stammered tragically.

Shit. There it goes. That wasn't the problem at all. He still thought she was hot. Very hot. And it was their baby and all. That made it hot too, somehow. Her growing and changing body was not the deal, heck, if it had been he'd have rejected her advances the first time, earlier that morning. Not that she could see that right now. April looked crest fallen, and teary eyed, she quickly gripped the sheet and pulled it around her body. Alex winced and held his hands up in apology. He didn't need her to start crying and whatever. He didn't mean to make her feel bad. To make her cry. He made his way back to the bed and reached a hand out to her bare shoulder.

"Look, I didn't mean-"

And bam! The tears changed. Her face flushed and she got angry. April pulled away from, grabbing her cane from the side of the bed and heading to the bathroom, taking the damn floral sheets along for the ride, "Obviously it's  _such_  a chore for you. Don't worry, I won't bother you again."

"April!" The door to the bathroom slammed, and he heard the shower water start running. Alex threw himself back flat on the bed and sighed.

Crap.

They were late anyway. And April gave him the freaking silent treatment the whole ride to the hospital before disappearing into the pit as soon as she left the locker room. So, of course the whole day when Alex should have been worried about kicking ass in the board meeting, he found himself overly concerned with wondering whether April really meant it. Would he'd be sleeping in the spare room for the foreseeable future? And what if he never got laid again? Later in the day as he and Robbins waited for their board meeting Alex eyed her carefully. She was going over her notes, just like Alex knew he should be. He gulped. The fact that he was about to ask what he was about to ask proved just how freakin' desperate he was. But, honestly, she was the only person he could really ask who'd been in his position before.

"Uh..." he stammered uncertainly, drumming his fingers on his stack of folders. "So...when Torres was pregnant...was she...did you notice...that...she wanted more...?"

Arizona blinked and her eyes lifted from her papers and stared at him in confusion, "Are you asking me what I think you are, Karev? Right before our teleconference? Really?"

"You know," Alex continued, speaking slowly and making crude gestures with his hands. "Did Callie get horny or whatever...? And mad...a lot?"

"I'm not sure this is something we should be talking about."

Alex was sure he'd done it again. Pissed off a chick in his life for the second time in a row that day. Her mouth remained open, and something near the corner of her eye twitched, and he was sure she was going to yell and bite his head off. He slumped dejectedly and looked at his hands.

"Fine. Whatever. It's not like I have anyone else to ask..."

"What do you mean?"

"No one else's...er...partner has been pregnant before," he mumbled. "I can't ask Shepherd because Zola's adopted. Bailey'd kick my ass if I tried to ask her ex-husband any of this crap. You've been through this..."

Winkling her nose, Robbins sighed and nodded, conceding his point, "Well...you have to remember that April's, what? About 26, 27 weeks?"

Alex nodded and Arizona continued, "That's farther along than Callie ever was..."

She'd been 23 weeks pregnant when the car accident happened. They both swallowed. Alex scratched his chin. That was a sobering thought. He remember how messed up Robbins had been back when the accident had happened. Sloan too. He'd known it was all a crap shoot then, but now that Alex was about to become a father himself, it all seemed way too real. He'd hate to think of his son, their baby, all hooked up to tubes and wires and everything like Sofia had been.

"But," Robbins said finally. "If my advice can help you at all, I guess I'll try. What exactly happened? You know what? No. I don't wanna know that."

They both shuddered in relief. They couldn't look at each other so they both stared straight ahead. Alex cleared his throat and sniffed. This had to be one of the most uncomfortable conversations he'd ever had.

"To answer your first question: yes. She was...a little horny at times...and that's normal. And I also have to say yes to the second one. We fought a lot when she was pregnant. A lot of it was legitimate, but some of it was just hormones. Growing tiny humans, that's a lot to deal with."

"So...Callie didn't stay mad?"

"Not really. Most things pass. Unless you really pulled a jerk move."

Alex nodded. Arizona's words made him think that maybe he hadn't royally screwed thing up that morning. It was just hormones and stress and it would all pass. Of course, the conversation had taken the time he'd needed to go over his notes, and before he knew it, he and Robbins joined the rest of the board in the conference room. And Alex didn't really know what the hell he was thinking in the meeting. Because it was there that he probably, no definitely, gave April a legitimate reason to be angry, if she ever found out. When she found out.

It was freakin' Lucy's fault really. Alex had felt his anger boil as soon as he saw her face appear on the skype monitor. All thin-lipped and mildly condescending. And then Jennings had started to talk about the project's recent approval to become a non-profit foundation. A non-profit foundation that listed Alex, Arizona,  _and_  Lucy as the founders. As if Lucy's part in all of the was as important as his. Or Robbins. Bullshit. His jaw grew tighter by the moment.

Then the board had gone on about the preparations to get things started in Africa for the summer. And Jennings kept commenting about how freakin' busy Lucy was going to be, setting up the on the ground in Malawi, and picking the students and all that crap.

Jennings stared down the long table at the group, "I think it is important to build our reputation among other surgeons in the states. There are a few conferences this year where it would be an excellent opportunity to let other doctors know exactly what we're all about. I think you surgeons are the best people to do that. Dr. Robbins is already committed to attend the American Academy of Pediatrics Conference in October. Now, although Dr. Fields is the only one currently able to advance our interests in Africa, I think it is important to be represented at the American Pediatric Surgical Association at the end of May."

On the screen Lucy blinked and lowered her eyebrows, seemingly flipping through a date book, "That's May 29th-5th of June in Phoenix...well, that's when we had planned to have the first pupils come to the clinic. I could bump that back a week and fly to the states..."

"We could fly you back-"Jennings continued, but Alex shook his head, interrupting him. "Yes?"

Alex huffed, "That's dumb."

Jennings tilted his head, "Really Dr. Karev? I think that it's important to have a presence at these meetings. Dr. Robbins is already willing to go to one. This year, your availability is limited-"

Glaring at Lucy, Alex crossed his arms. Maybe he just didn't want her to have it. Maybe he didn't want to feel like he was getting edged out of a project he cared about. He didn't know what the hell had gotten into him, but he kept talking, "I said I couldn't go to Africa."

Murmurs spread across the conference room. Lucy was looking at him closely. As much as she could through skype, anyway. Robbins looked at him sharply, mouthing, 'have you talked to April?'. Alex ignored her and pressed ahead.

"I said I couldn't go to Africa. I never said anything about the United States."

"Well, Dr. Karev," Jennings said, scribbling in his notebook. "That changes things. We can put you down for the APSA..."

"Don't you think that's cutting things a little close, Dr. Karev?" Arizona said pointedly. He chose to ignore her.

"Do it."

Alex didn't know why he said it, and he kind of zoned out for the rest of the freaking meeting. Robbins was right. April's due date was what? May 16th? What if their baby was late? He could miss the birth. And even if he didn't, his son would be very very young while he was gone. Did he really want to leave April all by herself for a week with the baby that soon? Did he even want to go? Not really. Only in the sense that it was important for this foundation. Honestly he knew it was dumb. But the project meant so much, and Lucy was cutting in on his territory. And it was like the whole thing was leaving him behind, and he just couldn't let that happen.

When the meeting was over and they were shutting down the conference call, Lucy gave him a small nod and said, "It's good to see you, Alex."

"Whatever."

His mind was on other things. Alex ran a hand through his hair. He didn't know if April would be okay with him going or not. Maybe. Maybe not. He did know that the thing that would make her more hurt then mad was the fact that he'd agreed to go to the conference without even talking to her about it. Without really even sparing a second thought to his fiancee or their future child. Crummy Dad already. No surprise there. He should just freakin stop Jennings and take it all back. Tell him travel was out of the question. But Alex didn't. He only shoved his hands in his pockets and watched the middle aged man leave the room. He was tired. Maybe he'd just let crap happen. Deal with the consequences later.

Robbins was looking at him, "What are you thinking? If you don't talk to her..."

"It's work."

"Callie and I talked about my conference  _before_ I agreed to go! And I didn't go away to one until Sofia was several months old. This might actually be a jerk move, Karev."

Whatever. Robbins didn't know everything. He'd deal. He would. Somehow.

* * *

April sighed and observed Alex out of the corner of her eye. He sat next to her on the couch half watching some basket ball game while she skimmed through her book of 1,001 baby names and meanings. Things had been awkwardly silent between them since the morning. Every time April had tried to start conversation, it failed. Alex would only reply with one syllable words. She'd been angry that morning, but now, April only felt mortified. She really didn't know what had come over her. She'd just... _really_  wanted to...and then when Alex hadn't, she'd...gotten ridiculous and hot and bothered and pissed. And Alex was clearly still feeling sore about it. She'd made him feel guilty. He'd practically radiated guilt on the whole car ride home. Which made April feel even worse, because really, Alex didn't have a reason to feel guilty at all. It was just her and her desires and jumble of hormones.

"I think the Journal of Trauma and Acute Care Surgery wants to publish my article...if I can ever get it done..." April ventured, hoping to coax Alex out of his guilt induced silence. She was a little too embarrassed to actually address the whole thing directly, because she'd never been really good at talking about 'screwing' anyway, but she wanted him to know that she really wasn't mad. Not at all. And he knew she wasn't good at talking about sex.

Alex only stared at his hands and murmured, "Cool."

"How did your meeting go today?"

"Fine."

"Just fine?"

Opening his mouth Alex sighed and fiddled with the edge of the couch. He glanced at her for a moment and his eyes were dark and closed off. After a beat he shook his head and looked back to the flickering tv, without saying anything more.

That didn't bode well. April's guilt increased. Her little tantrum this morning really seemed to have shut him down. And she wasn't sure how to get past the walls. Luckily, a certain small someone did know how to. She gasped as she felt her baby twist and kick. The noise made Alex lift his head and watch her.

"He moving a lot?"

"Yes!" April grabbed his hand and held it too her stomach, waiting for the next movement. This time of evening so far had been the baby's usual active time. Sure enough, their waiting was rewarded with another kick. Watching Alex's face, April could see that beneath his haze of guilt, no small amount of awe was cutting through.

"Must feel like a flopping fish," he teased, half heartedly, making April laugh. She swatted him with the name book.

"No." That wasn't it at all, but April was hard pressed to find the words to describe how it did feel when her son moved. She felt like she could almost guess his moods, and what limb he was using. Of course, she was probably wrong.

Alex chuckled, and looked away from her again. April groaned and tried to get more comfortable on the couch. She hated when he was like this. He could be so...ridiculous sometimes. He didn't make sense on a good day, and she was at a loss as to how to snap him out of it.

"So," April tried again, opening her read notebook and skimming her list. "I've been thinking about names, and I have a few ideas. You want to hear them?"

Alex had been pretty hands off when it came to names, saying it was too early, or that it wasn't that big of a deal, or joking that they should just stick with May. He'd acted content to let April do most of the thinking on that front, so long as she wasn't picking any 'wuss' names. Now, she hoped to pull Alex in.

He seemed to come out of his shell a bit once again, "I wouldn't mind naming him after your Dad...Joe's a solid name."

Grinning April nodded, and said, "Okay, I had it as a middle name for a few..."

Alex shrugged, "Like what?"

"Ryan Joseph. Zachary Joseph. Anthony Joseph."

Alex was more engaged now. His scrunched up his face, "Nah, I don't like Zach. Foster brother named Zach once...he was a real piece of work."

April nodded and crossed the name out on her list. It wasn't one she was really keen about anyway. Actually, that was really the problem. April wasn't particularly drawn to any of the name combinations she had come up with. They were all fine, it was just that none of them felt like him. It was still easier to think of her son as May, then anything else.

"You don't like naming babies after people? Joe could be the first name..."

"Oh, it's not that I mind it so much...Alice is named after our Dad's mom. But she was dead before Alice was born, and I think it might be confusing having two people with the same name running around..."

"Oh," Alex nodded and looked thoughtful. "So dead people are fair game?"

"I guess so..." April had never really thought about it like that. Shaking herself, she continued, "I was actually thinking...we  _could_  pick an A name, so he can match...I mean, so he won't feel left out. I'm an AK, you're an AK, Amber's one...even Alice with her maiden name."

"I thought you hated matchy names..."

"I hated using months as names, but I am not opposed in general. It could be really good. Narrows our choices down..."

"That's true."

He still seemed closed off. April sighed, "You think it's dumb...it's dumb..."

"No," Alex frowned. "We were all AK's. Alex, Aaron, and Amber. It was cool. It might be cool. We could be 'Triple A'."

April nodded and began writing names down in a new list, "Okay...well thinking of A names then...I already have Anthony as an option...I also like Andrew, and Aiden...I'm on the fence over Asher..."

"What about Adam?"

April blinked, thinking over the name in her mind. Adam...Adam...Adam.

Hearing her silence, Alex ducked his head and shrugged, "It's a solid name. I dunno. I thought...Reed was your best friend. Due date's in May... coincidences and all that. If we're going for A names, it's kind of an obvious one. Maybe use...Percy as the middle name...get them both in. Wuss name's okay for a middle name. Especially if it means something...Whatever, it's just an idea."

Adam Percy Karev. April smiled. She blinked back tears at the sweetness of Alex's thought. Adam Percy Karev. It seemed to fit. Adam. Her son, Adam. Their son. She could hear it in her head. It worked. She quickly wrote down the name at the top of her baby name list.

"I like Adam," she said quickly, placing her hand on Alex's knee. "I like it a lot...I mean, if we see him and he's not Adam, we can go with Ryan, Joe, or any of the other names, but right now he feels like Adam."

April had thought, since he'd opened up and been thoughtful, that his guilt and tension from this morning had passed. They basically just picked their kid's name for crying out loud. But when he spoke again, Alex sounded as closed off as he was at the beginning of the night.

"Cool...cross naming off your freakin' list then."

"Right."

Swallowing, April crossed her arms and watched Alex. What was bugging him? Why would he hold a grudge against her for this morning? Or what else could possibly be bothering him? Africa stuff? Family stuff? Surgery stuff? She didn't know and Alex wasn't interested in telling her.

Finally, Alex stood up from the couch, rubbing the back of his head and heading toward the kitchen, "I need a beer."

April stayed where she was, watching him leave. She felt a small, kick and moved her hand to the spot, whispering, "Oh, Adam. Sometimes, I don't think I understand your Daddy at all..."


	7. Chapter 7

"Alex, April, and Adam," Cristina mused, taking a swig of her beer and staring straight ahead. "That's a lot of vowels..."

Shrugging, Meredith nodded. It was a little gimmicky. All of them with the same initials and everything. Cutsy. Or something. But very them. And somehow...appropriate. She took a drink of her own soda before setting it down on the step next to her. They were taking an 'OMG baby' break from the shower party that was enthusiastically going on in the house behind them. Before Cristina gagged. And also it gave the two of them a chance to hang out since Cristina was only in town for a short while. So what if it seemed like a bit of a role reversal? Because Owen and Derek were inside and they were in here. Nothing said all women liked baby showers. Right?

Yawning Cristina said, "I did a heart-lung transplant last week."

As though it was no big deal. Impressed, Meredith commented, "Those are rare."

"It's a perk of being at Stanford."

"I got to operate on two Gangliogliomas in two weeks," Meredith continued, taking a moment to brag herself.

"No..."

"Seattle Grace may not be the power house we once were, but that doesn't mean we don't get good cases."

"And they let you do it? Not Derek, or Nelson?"

"I am a very capable surgeon."

Cristina smirked, "Hardcore."

"I'm  _sure_  my mother would be proud," Meredith replied sarcastically, making both Cristina and herself laugh heartily. Actually, she didn't really know what her mother would think. Would she approve of Neuro? Of staying at Seattle Grace for her fellowship? Adopting Zola? She didn't even really know why she still cared.

Her relationship with her mother was something that still made Meredith uncomfortable to deal with, even years after her mother's death. Especially now that she had Zola. Becoming a mother had put a lot of things in perspective. She was a surgeon and a mother, and she struggled every day to make sure that her daughter didn't miss out. And Meredith thought she was doing a good job. She didn't understand why Ellis Grey had not been able to do for Meredith what she could do for Zola.

With the impeccable timing that only toddlers seem to have, a tearful Zola appeared on the porch and ran into Meredith's arms, "Mommy!"

"Hey, Miss Thing," Cristina said running a soothing hand down her goddaughter's back. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, Zozo," Meredith said, letting her daughter rest her head on her shoulder as she sobbed harder. She didn't really understand her daughter's sadness. She'd been so excited to come to the 'baby party', if a little dismayed at the fact that baby Adam wouldn't actually  _be_  at the party. Well, as an independent being that Zola could see and play with anyway.

"I thought you wanted to help open the presents?"

"Me do!" Zola mumbled, twisting and kicking her legs. This had all the makings of a temper tantrum. Now was the time to nip things in the bud.

"Use your words..." Meredith prodded.

"Sofia..." was the only discernible word out of a slew of whimpers. But it was all that Meredith needed. She knew that her daughter had been having her first experiences with the green eyed monster lately.

"Is Sofia doing something that bothers you?"

"Crumpling da papers wif us," Zola sniffled. Meredith had a feeling she knew where this was going.

"With you and Aunt Lexie?" The child nodded.

"That sounds fun," Meredith said putting a positive spin on the thing, giving a pointed look toward Cristina.

"Oh, yeah," she agreed, somewhat unconvincingly. "Garbage patrol. Tons of fun."

"No!" Zola shook her head and glared. "She's  _my_  Aunt Lexie!"

Mark and Lexie's renewed relationship was going well, and most everyone was happy for them and supportive about it. Meredith and Derek. Callie and Arizona. Cristina and Owen. April and Alex. Bailey, Webber, and even Jackson. All of them. And everyone had a pretty good inkling that things were serious between them. So everyone was pretty pleased that Sofia had accepted Lexie into her life very effortlessly. Which was good, considering the direction everyone knew that this whole thing was probably going. Long term. So they were pleased. But, the one person who didn't seem to be on board with the whole thing was Zola. She'd always had a special bond with her aunt, and it was clear that she felt threatened by her best friend.

"She is your Aunt Lexie. And she always will be," Meredith said carefully. "But don't you think Sofia wanted to have fun with the wrapping paper too?"

Zola crossed her arms and pouted.

"It would have been mean if only you and Aunt Lexie were allowed to have fun right? Don't you think that would have made Sofia sad?"

Thoughtfully, her daughter shrugged, and wiped her eyes.

"Aunt Lexie is special, right?" Meredith continued. "Sofia doesn't have one. You can be a big girl and share Aunt Lexie can't you?"

Big girl was the magic word these days. Zola yearned to do big girl things. She wanted people to treat her as a big girl, and so far was willing to at least try to act in a way that would help with that. She remained cuddled up to Meredith's neck for a long time, seemingly thinking over her mother's words. After the moment, Zola sniffled and nodded.

"Good girl," Meredith said, rubbing Zola's back. "Nothing Aunt Lexie does with Sofia will ever make her feel any different about you. She can play with both of you. She can love both of you."

"Okay..." Zola's tears were almost gone now, and she was staring through the open front door, watching the rest of the party with renewed interest.

Meredith gave her a squeeze and whispered in her ear, "What's happening right now? Can you see?"

"Um..Apol opening...huh! She opening our pessent Mommy!"

"Don't you want to go inside for that?"

"Yeah!" Zola didn't need anymore encouragement. She was out of Meredith's lap and heading for the door as quickly as she'd come out.

When Zola scampered back into the house, Cristina smirked again, "Hardcore."

Meredith only shrugged, "Surgeon, toddler-wrangler, extraordinaire!"

The next person to come out of the house was Alex, carrying one of the gifts and absent mindedly opening the box, tearing at the cardboard like it had done something terrible to him. His brow was creased and he looked agitated. Meredith didn't think too much of it. He wasn't really comfortable in these sorts of situations. Baby showers and all that. Blue balloons, streamers, onsie decorating. Even if he had planned it. Or rather, asked Meredith and Jackson to.

"Evil Spawn, you have baby shower overload too?"

"Eh, yeah. Whatever," Alex leaned forward on his toes, scanning the street in front of the house. "Mail get here yet?"

"No," Meredith snorted. "Alex, you do realize that you're holding a breast pump, don't you? I don't think you guys quite need to open that just yet..."

"Oh," Alex glanced down at the box in his hand, as though he was noticing it for the very first time. His efforts to open the thing stilled and he tucked it under his arm. "This new mail guy. He's never freakin' on time..."

"How dull is your life?" Cristina teased. "You know what time your mail comes. Little Spawn has already made you soft..."

"Shut up," Alex snapped scratching the side of his head and glancing up and down the street again, before storming back into the house in a huff. Cristina only shrugged and rolled her eyes. It wasn't the first time their friend had snapped at them. Wouldn't be the last.

Meredith turned to look at Cristina again, resuming their previous topic of discussion, "So...do you think you'll miss Stanford a lot?"

Cristina bit her lip and looked out to the street, "Duh, it's Stanford. State of the art. Cutting edge everything."

"I mean, you are still coming back here right?" she replied, deciding that now was as good a time as any to voice her fears.

Meredith knew it was a selfish thing, but she really couldn't wait for her friend to come back. Life in Seattle without Cristina just wasn't the same. And she'd been hearing rumblings about Owen possibly stepping down from being Chief of Surgery, which had made her wonder whether Hunt might be the one moving at the end of Cristina's fellowship. After all, they couldn't deal with a long distance marriage forever, could they? Not when they'd each compromised so much to stay together. Meredith could only wish that her person and her husband would choose to be in Seattle.

Cristina smiled, but the sentiment didn't quite reach her eyes, "Owen and I are talking about it. He...sometimes being the Chief is hard for him..."

"I think he is doing okay," Meredith hastily added. She'd never really been Owen Hunt's biggest fan over the years, but she couldn't say that he was doing a bad job as Chief of Surgery. Granted he was no Webber, but no one else could really ever be. Hunt was making his own way and it was making a difference. Then again, maybe she only felt this way because she wanted them to stay.

"Well, I think so too," Cristina nodded. "He's just having growing pains. He'll get over it."

That didn't sound like someone who thought Owen would be leaving his position at Seattle Grace anytime soon, "He's going to have to, huh?"

"Well," Cristina shrugged. "He might not know it yet, but yes. I want to come back. He's a good Chief. He'll keep being a good Chief. And Stanford is way too close to my mother. We do better living in different states."

"I'm glad," Meredith admitted.

"No...really?" Cristina joked. "I wouldn't leave you here alone forever with Evil Spawn, Mary Poppins and the bright and shiny club. And besides, someone needs to be around to make sure Little Spawn grows up with the right priorities..."

Meredith only laughed. She was happy to have her best friend with her today, and even more happy to know that it sounded like Cristina really did want to come back to live in Seattle. She was as invested in their friendship and life here as Meredith was, which was all Meredith needed to hear. Cristina slowly rose to her feet and offered Meredith a hand.

"I suppose we have to go in there and act all 'oh isn't that cute'. Save face and all that. For Kepner," she said as Meredith took her hand gratefully.

"Some of it is very cute. I mean, did you see what they're doing with the nursery? Little Froggies..." Meredith couldn't help but gush, because it was true. Maybe it was just because she'd become a mother herself, but she did think that baby clothing and all of that could be adorable. Especially since Zola was getting so big now. And Alex and April were getting boy stuff. With Zola and Sofia, Meredith mostly saw girly things. Cristina made a huffing noise and headed into the house. Meredith was about to follow her in when she noticed the postman headed up the street.

"Here's Alex's precious mail," she called to her friend. "I'll grab it."

Meredith carefully grabbed the handful of envelopes and adds from the mail box at the end of the driveway and turned to bring them into Alex. One envelope was particularly large and heavy and fell to the ground. Bending over to retrieve the thick packet Meredith couldn't help but read the sender's name. Her face, fell and she lifted the envelope for a closer read. Yes, it did say it was from the American Pediatric Surgical Association. And if Meredith wasn't mistaken, it was a welcome packet for a conference. A conference at the end of May. Which was a surprise considering that the baby's due date was only weeks before. It didn't seem like something he'd register to do. No wonder he was so eager to get his mail.

What are you doing Alex? Biting her lip, Meredith tucked all the mail under her arms and headed into her old house. Most of the party was gathered in the living room. Cristina had settled in on a spot next to her husband, while Callie, Arizona, and Mara occupied another space, while Mark and Lexie sat somewhere else. Zola seemed to have gotten over her earlier jealousy because now she was happily playing with Sofia and the discarded wrapping paper. Meredith could make out the figures of Bailey, her husband, Jackson, Dr. Warren, and a few nurses and interns in the kitchen. In the middle sat April and Alex, surrounded by assorted baby paraphernalia.

"Look Meredith!" April said, happily holding up one of her gifts. "A  _video_  baby monitor...I didn't even know they made these. My sister's all used the ones that just have sound. It's so cool!"

"Great," Alex snarked. "Kid'll be on candid camera. We'll be able to watch his  _every_  move..."

"You're welcome and you'll love it, Karev," Callie said sagely. "Sometimes hearing alone does not give you the full picture."

Arizona, and Meredith both vigorously nodded in agreement. Her movement caught Alex's attention and his eyes momentarily widened as he noticed the stack of papers in her arms.

"I have your mail by the way."

As April moved to unwrap another present, he hopped up from the couch and quickly made his way to her side. He swallowed and roughly took the mail from her hands offering only a muttered "Whatever..." before he disappeared into the study. He was clearly trying to look less agitated about the whole thing than he really was. Meredith could tell he didn't want anyone to see the conference packet.

Smiling at everyone, Meredith non-nonchalantly followed him into the study, doing her best not to draw attention to it all. She found him sitting at the desk looking miserable. The partially open packet lay on the table in front of him and he held his head in his hands. Not the way you'd expect a guy to act at his almost wife's baby shower, which lent credence to Meredith's worst suspicions about her friends participation in this conference.

"What are you doing, Alex?" she asked quietly, after shutting the door behind her.

He didn't make eye contact and muttered, "None of your freakin' business."

Meredith tilted her head, "Maybe not. But I do think it's April's business...and it doesn't seem to me like she knows you are going to this."

"Whatever."

"No, not whatever," she said firmly. "You are about to become a parent. And a husband. Trust me, communication is important."

Alex scowled and stared at the papers again before slowly lifting his gaze to hers, "I don't know what the hell I am doing, Mer. I screwed up. I don't know if I can do any of this."

"Tell April that." He only glared in response.

Meredith didn't really understand what was going on with Alex exactly, but she could theorize. He always did have a tendency to self sabotage. And she had come from a screwed up background, like him. She knew it was scary to embrace a different sort of life when it came to you. How long had Meredith herself struggled to be sure she wanted Derek? Or Zola for that matter? She'd made her own series of mistakes along the way. Tampering with trials, fighting with Derek, and sort of kidnapping her daughter, just to start. Maybe she could help Alex with his. It wasn't easy for people like them, Meredith knew. It wasn't easy to settle into a life that had seemed so foreign and unobtainable for so long. It wasn't easy believe, and when you didn't believe you tried to protect yourself. Which could easily backfire.

"Alex?" April's laughter filled voice drifted in from the living room. "I need you..."

The words seemed to make Alex stiffen and he stared sheepishly up at the door when it cracked open and April's head peered in.

"All the gifts are set, and I think everyone's ready to bust into the cake now. I mean...I know I am. Can you carry up some of this stuff to the baby's room? I'm a little stiff and uh, well, fewer trips upstairs make the most sense..." Tapping the handle of her cane, April looked at Alex tentatively, and Meredith realized that while her friend might not know about his conference, she definitely knew that something was up with Alex. And it all made Meredith just want to shake him, because he was messing this up, and she just  _knew_  that this was not the thing he wanted to mess up. They way April looked at Alex...no, this was not the relationship he should ever be self sabotaging. This was his shot at what Cristina would call the Mclife.

"Yeah," he replied after just a beat too long for the silence to have felt organic. "I got it."

The awkward energy didn't seem to escape April, even though she blinked and grinned as she backed away from the study, "Thank you!"

Alex rose from his chair and looked at Meredith darkly before moving to the door. She tried to speak again, "Alex, everyone gets freaked out a little right before-"

"I don't wanna hear it."

Meredith sighed as he left her alone in the study without another word. He 'd basically said he was afraid. And Alex didn't like being afraid. He was closing off again. From her, from April. It was just what he did when he felt fear. He'd get closed off and pissy, and for some reason mess up the things he had going for him. She hoped for Alex, April, and her little godson's sake that he could get it worked out.

* * *

Alex didn't really go for psychology. Shrinks and their diagnoses. Talk out your feelings and all that. Crap. But he had to wonder as he leaned against the kitchen sink now, in the midst of a huge fight with April, whether or not there really was some truth in the whole subconscious action idea. Because he'd been too chicken to tell April about his agreeing to go to the APSA conference. He'd lied by omission for way too long. Which he knew would make the whole stupid crappy situation even worse. This had been bad in March. The month that followed didn't make it any better. And now it was May...and still he kept mum.

The crappy thing was, Alex didn't really know the why of any of it. He'd lied right through the baby shower, and April's birthday, and now they were within spitting distance of this actually being real. Of actually being responsible for a brand new living, breathing baby. Adam. His son. Things were set. Alex had finished painting George's old room green, and he'd got the crib set up. April had read a veritable library of material on parenting, and she'd already taken their cars twice to one of those police check in places to make sure the car seats were in safely. Alex had accompanied her to various classes on breathing or whatever, listened to April voice her fears about parenthood and jacked up knees and the dangers of this product or that one. April had helped Alex put crap together, by reading the instructions out loud to him, and handing him the tools he needed, treating the nursery construction like the inside of an OR. She'd scaled back to admin only duties at work. And with the due date less than three weeks away, bags for the hospital were all packed and ready, waiting by the front door. He'd lied, by keeping quiet, through all of it.

Alex had failed to tell April anything. Even though Mer was bugging him to. Even though Robbins was practically blacklisting him from the best cases, no matter that he was right at the end of his freakin' fellowship, or that he was an attending. Even though every time he saw April or let her guide his hands to the strangely undulating skin of her stomach to feel their child move, he'd wanted to tell her. To apologize even. Because he knew he'd messed up. He'd opened his mouth so many freakin' times to find that no words would come out. Not the right ones anyway. He just didn't know how. He didn't have the words. And Alex knew that April and Adam deserved better. But still...he said nothing. Maybe he'd secretly wished Mer or Robbins would spill the beans. Maybe he was just that much of an ass. Maybe people can't really change.

It was only when April had accidentally discovered his welcome packet, complete with his registration, hotel information, plane tickets and travel itinerary, in one of her 'nesting' induced cleaning sprees, that Alex finally started to talk. That was maybe the subconscious part. If there was any truth to the mumbo jumbo. Because while he had lied, Alex had never really put any effort into hiding the stuff. He left them where April might find them. And in the end she had, and that's when things started to spectacularly fall apart.

The fight hadn't actually started off that bad. Alex had been sitting on the couch trying to finish putting together a baby swing, while listening to some stupid musical that April had on the tv. April was limping badly these days, well, half limping-half waddling, completely dependent on her cane, and not so great at standing for long periods of time. Not quite like it had been back last year when she'd relearned to walk, but bad enough that her leg ached more often than not. Which meant that she typically settled down and sat in a room or spot, and communicated to Alex by yelling to other rooms in the house, rather than coming into the room to speak with him in a normal tone. Which could be a little annoying, even if he understood it.

"Alex," April had called through the open study door. "What's all this APSA stuff? You-you're not..you're going to this?"

He'd winced and sniffed uncomfortably, partially glad to finally have been caught out, and pissed to have to talk about it, "Yeah...for the Africa Project. Publicity and stuff. Get our names out there."

"Oh." He could hear her swallow. "I see." Papers rustled.

Alex sat down his tools knowing that this silence wasn't the end of it. He'd figured April was reading through the crap and any second she'd call out again. Sure enough the next thing he knew...

"But...but this says it starts on the 29th," April continued. Alex had closed his eyes and bit his lip. The whole story was slowly dawning on her. "And it lasts for a week! I mean, at most the baby will be like two or three weeks old...Doesn't the board know you're having a baby soon?"

Sucking in a deep breath through his nose, Alex had said simply, "They know."

"They know?" He heard the chair scrapping and soon April was carefully limping her pregnant body out of the study. She spoke slowly rambling her way around facts that Alex already knew, "If they know, why would they make you go? It's not a surgical duty, and really isn't part of the curriculum of your fellowship, so they really can't make you go..."

Alex had shrugged, and avoided eye contact. Staring at the tv with a suddenly intense determination, he'd watched some guy dancing around in a God-damn barn singing to God about being rich. Anything was better than facing April's hurt gaze. He didn't need to see it to know what it looked like. Confusion, hurt, mind going a mile a minute behind her eyes.

"Unless..." He knew April was fitting together all the pieces now as she'd spoken again, softer this time, with more of an edge to her words. "Unless the board isn't  _making_  you go..."

Alex swallowed, "It's for the project."

And so it had all come out. Alex had admitted to volunteering to go, and that he'd known about it all for a while. Since March. Which clearly ticked April off. And for some reason, her anger made him angry. It was his freaking career; his project. One week away in the grand scheme of things surely wouldn't make that much difference in Adam's life. Or April's. They weren't glued at the freaking hip. And whatever, if April said it was more the principle of the thing than the actual thing. For her, the omitting was the worst of his offenses. More than anything else.

She didn't even really know the right thing to be mad about as far as Alex was concerned. Because really, it should freakin' bother her that he'd gone into that meeting and agreed to all of that without thinking of April and the baby first. And it should also worry her that he still didn't really understand why he'd done any of it in the first place. That he didn't even understand why he was so pissed off right now. She'd said that, to her, it was all equally bad. And then she'd said Alex had absolutely no business telling her what she should and should not be angry about. And then the fight had escalated. Big time.

Now, April sat at the kitchen table looking flushed, deflated, and beautiful. Beneath his anger, Alex felt terrible. She was huge. As pregnant as pregnant freakin' gets. Bloated, tired, uncomfortable. Her organs getting poked at all day by increasingly strong little limbs. McCaw had said way back in the beginning that stress was a worry for her. Blood pressure and crap. Right now, the last thing she needed to be doing was fighting with him. But once Alex's rage bubbled up in his chest it was hard to control.

"I..." she blinked rapidly, mouth opening and closing as she seemed to search for just the right words to express her feelings. Finally April shrugged and shook her head. "I'm not really sure what to think, Alex. I'm not even really mad that you...volunteered to go to this thing. It's...apparently  _I'm_  not important enough for you to even talk to. You didn't say anything about this conference.  _Anything._  I mean, did you just think you'd never say a word about going and then just suddenly disappear for a week? I  _need_  to know things like this, Alex. Just tell my why you never even said-"

He couldn't stop himself. That was it. Something inside Alex just went off. Snapped. It was because of everything. His crappy childhood of looking after his mom and siblings. His struggles to prove himself as a surgeon. Getting shot. Taking care of Ava or Rebecca or whatever. Taking care of Iz when she had cancer. Helping April after the earthquake. Beating the shit out of his old man so he'd go away. Watching Lucy steal his job. Messing up things for Mer's adoption. It was all just too much. Alex couldn't take it anymore. Freakin' everybody needing him. He'd made a vow after April had gotten hurt to be nicer. Operation don't be a douche-bag. Or whatever. Because he'd figured out how he felt about her. Alex had figured out that he'd cared. Now, he was afraid that he was crossing that line. Being a jerk.

"You need me and you need me and you need me! I can't freakin' do it all the time. I can't take care of everything and think of everyone else  _all_  the freakin' time!" he shouted spinning to face April, waving his hands in the air.

It pained Alex to watch April. She leaned back in surprise as he yelled, sadness and concern over taking the anger that had been on her face before.

"I thought you needed me too..." she said so quietly that in his anger, Alex decided to ignore it.

"It was a mistake, okay? Why did I do it? How'd I end up volunteering for this crap?" he continued. "Because...because the whole time, I was worried about you being freakin' mad at me for not having another stupid quickie. And about how I can't freakin' afford our own place because my mother went bat shit and tried to kidnap you, and I gotta pay for her to be in a home. And Aaron. And Amber's school. And how I'm building stupid strollers... I was thinking about all this... _crap_  when I shoulda been thinking about  _my_  game in that meeting. My game in the whole project. It's too much. I can't think of everything."

Granted, Alex hadn't really actively been thinking about all that stuff right before that specific meeting. But he realized now that those thoughts were all always there, bubbling just below he surface of everything, weighting him down and growing heavier and heavier, like an anchor. Crushing him. Suffocating him. Leaving him stuck and stranded. He hated that more than anything at all.

Alex stared at his feet and spoke softer, but with no less of an edge to his voice, "I went in there and it was like...Lucy was getting everything. Praise, responsibility...credit. She got _everything_."

"You have things she doesn't," April murmured. Maybe that was true right now...but Alex realized that he was afraid that right now might not last forever. It never did. Even though he desperately wanted it to.

"It's my work. I don't just do Peds stuff because...I mean when I invest in something, I choose to care. For a long time my work is all I had. It's all I can depend on. And if I start to slack off? I've had to earn every single thing I've got. If I don't do the best freakin' job...it might not be there when..."

"When what, Alex?" April asked, sounding tired and exasperated. She placed her elbow on the table and rested her head on a curled up fist, staring at Alex like he was a completely different person, willing him to explain.

"And if you and me...If we...I never had something that didn't freakin' fall apart...something has to survive..."

Alex realized that maybe this was the heart of the whole issue. Why he did it, and why he'd lied. The one fear that his messed up coward of a self couldn't quite let go of. He was afraid the bottom would fall out of this someday. That April would see what an ass he was, or get tired of his crazy family. Or maybe he'd turn out to be headed the same direction of his old man and he would have to be the one who messed things up. Deep down Alex was afraid that sooner or later all this togetherness and whatever would end. And when April went, Adam would go with her. He'd get left behind. He was terrified of that actually. And that was why his work, the project, and all that, mattered. Because when it did get all messed up, what would Alex be left with? If he didn't get April and Adam forever, what did Alex have? People float in and out of your story, but if you did good work, that was yours.

"What?" April interjected incredulously. "So if I left, you think you'd still have your work?"

Alex stared at his feet and shrugged. She didn't get it. She didn't know what it was like to be left with nothing. Discarded and alone. She didn't understand how that drove you to take care of yourself. To lash out first, in advance of pain.

Sighing heavily, April held her head in both her hands, "I thought we were past this. I want to marry you, Alex. I love you, Alex."

He knew that. He loved her too. He just... couldn't let go of his fears. Alex supposed that made him a chicken shit. But, her words might have worked to silence his fear if it was just them. Not when it was also his mom and his brother, and a freakin' kid who might be stuck with the same nuts brain as them, which would be his fault. And if that happened, it would make April resent him. Or it was him and his dad and her dad, and there was just no way he could ever live up to the kind of image April knew to be fatherhood. Because Joe Kepner was like freakin' Buddha and even good guys would be hard pressed to match up with that. Let alone bruisers who grew up in Davenport, and had to do to foster care for beating up their own dad. Eventually April would see that. Once they had Adam. And worst of all, eventually Adam would see too.

"You say that now...but after years of freakin' dealing with my crap you'll feel differently..."

"I don't care. I want to help. I love you and your family and all your...crap. We..." she said breathlessly, before trailing off. April moved one arm to her stomach. She was big enough now that when she did, she had to wrap her arm around the bump. It always looked like she was cradling Adam, and Alex couldn't explain the multitude of feelings he got when seeing that. He had to clear his throat.

"We're going to be a family. And there will be good times and bad ones. That's how it works. I want all of it because that is what a life with you means, and I want a life with you."

Alex shook his head, "You can't know what the future holds."

"Neither can you."

Only, Alex thought he could, or at least that he knew better because he'd lived in the dingy, stifling house, and he'd heard the sounds of his parents fighting, and he'd taken the hits he needed in wrestling so he could get the money to follow his dreams, and he'd taken the chance on love once before and he'd gotten the note in his locker and the divorce papers in the mail. And while he couldn't picture a life without April and Adam in it, he knew that there was no security. The road might be long or short, but he knew how things would inevitably go. And yet...Alex had the sickening feeling that maybe he himself was sewing the seeds of their destruction right now. Maybe this is what Mer meant when she'd told him he often "self sabotaged". If that wasn't just psychology crap.

Sighing again, April pulled herself into a standing position, resting her free hand on the side of her belly and wincing. She walked out of the kitchen and grabbed her car keys, "I'm tired of having to prove to you that I am not leaving, Alex."

"You're leaving now." It was a statement not a question. He felt like his fears were playing out right in front of him. Right now. God damn it.

"Maybe I am!" April said, shakily opening the front door. "I can't deal with this. I'm leaving because I think we both need to calm down."

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, Alex followed her to the driveway. He didn't reach out to touch her, even though he wanted her to stay. He just...couldn't. He couldn't ask her to. He didn't know how. Tilting his head to one side as she slid into her car Alex said, "You can barely fit behind the freakin' steering wheel."

Slamming the door and pulling the car into gear, April said, "I'll manage."

Then she backed into the street and drove away, leaving Alex alone in the driveway. Crap. He ran his hands through his hair, and walked back into the house. He sank back down on the couch, just as a bunch of people were singing about some freakin' wedding or something. Next to the couch sat the half finished baby swing. Crap, crap, crap. What the hell did he just do?

* * *

April took deep calming breaths as she drove. Her heart was still racing. She knew she needed to calm herself down before...well, she needed to get cooled off. To think. She needed to think and to process and to figure out just how things had gone so wrong. Because it wasn't about just the conference. Alex had basically just admitted to April that he expected her to leave him eventually, which was the exact opposite of what she'd been spending the last two years trying to show him. She needed a minute. She needed not to cry. Not while she was driving anyway. Even though she really wanted to.

She wasn't blind, she'd known things had been off between them for at least a month. But with the stress and the baby coming...all the books said some strain between the parents was normal. Her sisters all said so too. And her mom and dad. April had not realized just how much she'd underestimated everything. Did Alex really think that April would someday bail on him? Like what, did he think she'd just get tired of it all and have done with it? After everything they'd been through...it was just astounding. They were having a child for goodness sake. It had taken her  _so_  long to find the nice guy beneath it all. To get him to open up and share himself with her. April had thought Alex understood that she wasn't someone who would leave him behind. Clearly, she hadn't proven to him that this was true, but she really had no idea what  _more_  she could possibly do. And she realized now, that she  _really_  didn't like being doubted. She doubted herself enough. She didn't need Alex to do it too.

As though he could sense his mother's distress, April felt her son move sharply, kicking out one leg. Or maybe it was his arm. Something pointy anyway. Sort of. But he was getting so big now, running out of room, and April could tell Adam was having a hard time doing the sorts of gymnastic moves he'd been able to do mere weeks ago. It was still a little over two weeks away from the 'official' due date, but Dr. McCaw said that they should be ready for the birth at anytime because due dates were hardly ever right on the money, even when you were reasonably sure of conception dates. All babies grew at their own rates. April sighed. Some home her baby would be born into.

Without really meaning to, April found that she'd driven herself to Jackson and Mara's apartment. After debating whether or not she should go inside, since she hadn't called or texted or anything, she decided that right now she needed her friend. She'd apologize for bad manners later. As she headed inside the gray Seattle night began to drizzle. Maybe the sky was as sad as April was. Walking slowly, she made her way into the elevator, and pressed the button that would take her to the third floor. The elevator made it's slow assent, and April rubbed a sudden ache in her lower back, sniffling furiously and willing herself not to cry.

By the time the doors opened on the 3rd floor however, April could feel the tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. Biting her lip she knocked on the door, and by the time Mara swung it open, carrying a glass of wine with a smile on her lips, April was full blown sobbing, the usual incoherent blubbering mess she became when she panicked and had tears.

"Oh, my Dear. Come on in," the smile fell from Mara's face and she placed a gentle hand around April's shoulders, leading her swiftly into the apartment. She helped April settle down on the couch and called to the kitchen. "Jackson, darling! April's here...I suspect she is rather unhappy at the moment..."

Jackson's perplexed face appeared around the kitchen doorway. The moment he made eye contact with April, he dropped whatever he was doing and seemed to fly to her side, running a comforting hand down her good knee and squeezing. "What happened?"

To her dismay, as she glanced over to the dining table and saw the candles and the plates and smelled the food that was coming from the kitchen, April realized that she was probably interrupting a nice dinner between Jackson and Mara. Because they were the kind of couple that did that more than once in a blue moon. They were the kind of couple that did that and lived in a practically spotless apartment with no dirty socks, scribble filled notebooks, used post it notes, stacks of dvds, or empty cheetos bags laying around. It made her feel suddenly guilty.

"I'm...I'm sorry," April managed to squeak out, gesturing at the table. "I-I d-don't mean to interrupt."

"Nonsense," Mara said briskly, rising from the couch and heading to the kitchen. "Obviously something is wrong and you need a friend. I can spare my evening with Jackson for that. I'll just go put the kettle on. Leave you two to it..."

The one thing April would always be enormously grateful to Mara for was the fact that she seemed to innately understand how deep her friendship with Jackson actually went. Alex had never seemed to mind Jackson either. He always understood that Jackson was her best friend. He'd been there since Mercy West. And after Reed. And with her leg. Literally he was as good as her brother. Better than some of her own actual brother's in law. She trusted him completely. Even to take care of her child in the worst case scenario. While it was clear that Mara didn't really understand April and Jackson, she never acted threatened by it at all, and April appreciated the tolerance.

"Hey...April," Jackson said, tilting his head sympathetically, after she cried onto his shoulder for a few minutes. "What's wrong? Are you feeling okay?"

"Alex..." April sniffled, struggling to control her breathing, and shifting against the return of the pain she felt in her back. "He doesn't understand that I...he thinks his work...he think's I am going to leave him...in the end...after everything I've tried..."

Jackson frowned, offering her a tissue as he asked, "Okay...and this? This isn't you leaving him is it?"

"No!" April shook her head, wiping her eyes. "I don't  _want_  leave him.  _Why_  is that part so hard to understand? We had a fight. It was stressful...I'm not supposed to stress because of the baby and...so I...got out for a little..."

"Okay...okay. That makes sense," Jackson agreed, squeezing her shoulder again. April sniffled a little more, but after a few more minutes she calmed down and he spoke again. "Do you think you can tell me a little bit more about what happened?"

She shrugged, "Alex is going to a conference on the 29th..."

Jackson's brow furrowed, "Of this month?"

"Yes...he agreed to do it months ago, and he didn't say a word to me about anything...since apparently I distract him from 'his game' at work. And maybe I need him too much or...everything is too much...and I mean, I don't even know if I am too needy or not..."

"You're pregnant," Jackson shrugged. "Neediness is allowed..."

"Aside from that though...what if I-what if I am just too demanding? I mean, I know...I know I am not always the most confident person, and sometimes I need a lot of feed back..."

"You've gotten  _much_  better though."

"But Jackson it's...more than that...I can't...Alex is just hard to completely understand. He'd hard."

Her best friend didn't say anything allowing April to continue to speak at her own pace, "He thinks he has to, I don't know, outdo Lucy Fields or something...because in the end...he thinks all he'll be left with is his freaking career! I don't...I need to trust that he trusts in us too, you know? I can't spend my life being constantly tested because he thinks I'm gonna leave him."

"No," Jackson murmured. "That's not really fair to you."

"And it's not the kind of family life I want to model for my son," April continued softly. "One parent always waiting for things to end, and the other constantly trying to prove that it won't? I thought...I've helped his sister, and I know about his mom and his brother and their past and...everything. I've tried to be there for him. I thought I was. I don't know how to help more...I don't know what else I can do, Jackson."

She shook her head, and took deep breaths to stave off another round of tears and to slow her racing heart beat. April was tired, and her back hurt and her feet hurt, and maybe this whole thing wouldn't feel so very bad if she wasn't 9 months pregnant, or if she'd found out how Alex felt sooner or...something. Maybe if things were somehow different it all wouldn't hurt quite so much.

"Maybe there isn't anything else  _you_  can do, April," he said quietly.

"So what?" April said sharply. "You think I should leave him? We had a fight, okay? I love him Jackson. I thought you understood that, and-"

"I'm not saying you leave him..." Jackson continued, in that calm, mildly irritating 'I am an Avery and I got this' sort of way. It had always annoyed her when they were residents because it usually meant that she was panicking or hyperventilating and he was being right. "He's been good for you. You've been good for him. You're good for each other. But you yourself have said, Alex doesn't even tell you much about his past. I'm saying  _you_  can't fix everything. It's not a pressure you should be putting on yourself. And...I don't think it's a pressure he is asking you to put on yourself."

April frowned. She never really thought of herself as trying to fix Alex. At least not in those terms. But now that Jackson had actually spelled it out in those terms, she realized that maybe she was. In a way. She just thought that he deserved to be happy, and to be free of his difficult past, and all the hangups that went with it.

"Guy's got a rough past," Jackson said. "It's  _his_  past though. It's messed with his head. You can support Alex. Love him, be there for him, even have a family with him and all that. But I think he is the one who needs to get help. The ball is in his court if things are really getting in his head that much. He's the one who has to ultimately work through it."

"You mean...like he should...see a psychologist or something?" April asked.

He shrugged, "Maybe. Might not be a bad idea. Maybe both of you should go."

"Jackson! He hates psychology! He would never-"

"What does he have to lose?" Jackson said, looking pointedly at April's large belly. "And what does he have to gain? I think you can point that out...Ask him what kind of family life he wants. I don't think he wants to model this for the baby anymore than you do. But, working through it, getting help and everything...that would be a different model. Parents who are trying to make it work, I think, is as good an example as any for a child..."

"I don't know Jackson..."

April considered the idea. She didn't think Alex would ever in a million years agree to it. Personal counseling, couples counseling or any of it. With his own family's background of mental illness he might even think it was one step too far in that direction. He'd never agree to go because he'd feel like it was admitting he was as 'crazy' as the rest of them. But at the same time April didn't think she should just let it drop. Alex had basically admitted that he didn't have faith in her. In them. She never thought she would marry someone who didn't think that the commitment was for life. Not until he believed. And as much as she loved Alex, until he fully believed in them, she wasn't sure she could go through with it. Even though April loved Alex. Even though they were having a baby. Which was a terrible thought. They had to try something.

Her heart raced, the pain flared in her back again, and April sighed, "I just don't know. I guess, I should probably go talk to him, one way or another. Before he thinks I really have left him."

Sensing that she was still feeling distressed, Jackson insisted on driving April home in her car, with Mara following along behind to take him back. When they pulled into the driveway of Meredith's house, they could see that the lights to the front porch had been flipped on. And Alex's car was still in the garage. April decided to take both as a positive sign. Positive enough.

Still, she was slow to get out of the car, leaning forward to ease the small pain in her lower back as the baby shifted. Jackson eyed her suspiciously, "Do you feel okay? Are you sure you wanna go back right now? You're more than welcome to-"

April swallowed, unfastened her seat belt and carefully got out of the car, "It's okay, Jackson. Thank you. Really..."

He shrugged and watched as she walked up to the front door, only getting into his girlfriend's car when he saw that April had unlocked the front door and stepped inside. Waving sadly, April watched them leave. Jackson was a good friend. He really was. Shutting the door quietly behind her, April ventured further into the house. Alex didn't seem to be downstairs, even though the tv still flickered, displaying the dvd menu of Fiddler on the Roof, the film having long since ended. Flinging her purse on the couch, April leaned her head into the kitchen to find it empty. No Alex.

"Alex?" she called out, peering into the study and the backyard, and seeing no Alex. He must be upstairs. Sighing and rubbing her back, April gripped her cane, and painstakingly limped up the stairs. It seemed like no part of this whole mess wanted to be easy. From her being what felt like 100 months pregnant, to the conference being at the end of the month, and Alex revealing his fears. Even walking up to deal with it was painful.

Unlike downstairs, where all the lights, tv and everything was bright, up here everything was dark, the only light coming from the streetlamps shining through open window blinds. April cautiously stepped down the hallway, taking a quick peek into the master bedroom, even though she didn't expect to find Alex. He wasn't there. April had a good idea of exactly where he might go, and judging by the muffled sounds she could hear coming from the nursery, she knew she was right.

Carefully opening the door, April was surprised at what she found. Alex was standing in one corner, with his back facing her. He was...he couldn't be...it was the very last thing she expected to find him doing.

"Are you crying?" Wincing at the tinge in her lower back, April stepped into the room. It looked like Alex had finished putting together the swing. Reaching out one hand she pushed the side and watched the cradle part walk back and forth.

When Alex turned around to face her, April could clearly see the tear tracks that ran down his cheeks as they reflected the dim light from outside that came in through the room's open window. He was crying. Actually crying. The only other time, April could actually ever remember him crying was way back when they first started dating, and he told her a little about his family for the first time. It was literally the only memory that came to mind, and even then the tears hadn't been like this.

Characteristically, Alex wiped his eyes with the heels of his palms, and recovered from his tears, turning to face April, "I screwed up. Just like I always freakin' do. I screw up the good things I have. It's what I always freaking do."

Biting her lip, April took two steps, closing the gap between them, and reaching her free hand up to his cheek where she wiped away a remaining tear with her thumb.

"You came back."

April felt a stab of guilt at the genuine tone of surprise she heard in his voice, "Of course I did."

"I wasn't so sure you would."

"I wish you could be."

"Me too."

April sighed and looked up at Alex's face, "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to freakin' apologize. I'm the one that kept the conference a secret. I should be sorry. I  _am_  sorry."

She rubbed her back and moved to sit down in the rocking chair that sat near the window. April yawned, and rocked the chair a little, frowning and listening to the small creaks the floor made as the chair moved. She didn't really know what to say, so she just watched as Alex reached into the wooden frog decorated toy chest and pulled out a stuffed rabbit, turning it over and over in his hands, like it held the answer to everything.

Finally Alex shook his head, returning the toy to the chest, "He's gonna hate me...Adam's gonna hate me."

"No, he's not."

"I hate my Dad."

"He's not going to hate you."

"You don't understand..."

April, winced and rubbed her back. It was the same conversation over and over again. She didn't understand everything about his past. She was starting to wonder if Alex really understood it, or if it was just something he kept shut away in some small compartment in the back of his mind. Hoping that if it stayed there it wouldn't affect him. But the thing was, and April thought she might understand that part better now, Alex's past did affect him. It was the root of a lot of his actions, even if he didn't always think about it.

Taking a deep breath, she finally said, "I'm not leaving...I'm not. But, we have to work on this Alex. I'm not sure I can...be with someone who always doubts me. Doubts us. It's not fair to the baby. We have to do something about this."

Alex was eyeing her seriously now, pouting slightly with lowered brows, "April..."

She held up one hand, hissing at the flare of pain in her back and determined not to be interrupted, "I know you hate therapy and shrinks and counseling, but honestly Alex, I don't know how else we can really get past this..."

His frown intensified, and Alex tilted his head to one side in concern, "April-"

"No, listen to me Alex. I know it's a terrible time to add just one more thing to the list of issues we have to deal with. We're already worried about enough, but I want you to agree to try, okay? I think it's the only thing we can do to really sort all this out. When the baby is born, we'll try seeing a psychologist, okay?"

"April-"

"Will you try, Alex?" April cut him off again, afraid of his answer.

"Yeah sure. Whatever. Now, April-"

"I'm being serious."

Alex reached his hand to hers and squatted in front of the rocking chair watching her closely, "I said yes, alright! I'll do it!"

A rush of relief rushed through April, as Alex bit his lip and squeezed her wrist, saying quietly, "Now, let me ask you something, okay? What's the deal with your back?"

"What do you mean? It's just some pain. He's probably just shifting funny against my spine or something."

"He hasn't really done that before...Are you sure it's just your back?"

Okay, so maybe it wasn't quite the characteristic sort of jab April was used to, but that wasn't weird. It was late in the pregnancy.

"So? Space is running out."

"And he's started twisting on a regular basis?" Alex continued, urgently. "Because, you've been wincing about every five minutes..."

Something clicked in her mind, and April felt her heart begin to race. She had been feeling the tightening ache on a fairly regular timeline throughout the evening. But...the due date wasn't for another two weeks and surely things were already complicated enough for tonight.

"What do you mean? Alex...you don't think..." April gasped, wide eyed and breathless. She could feel her nervousness rise as a cold sweat broke out on her back. It wasn't suppose to be like this. "Oh my God. Oh my God!"

"It's okay, calm down," Alex said, squeezing her wrist again, "How long has it felt like this?"

"Since..." April looked to the ceiling. "Uh, since I went to Jackson's...it's been getting worse, I guess."

"I think we need to call Dr. McCaw," Alex swallowed and rose to his feet. "I think you're in labor."

 


	8. Chapter 8

Alex ran a tired hand across his face, and leaned over and squeezed April's hand while she rode out another strong contraction. They'd come to the hospital late the previous night, once Dr. McCaw had helped them determine that this was, in fact, the real deal and not braxton hicks contractions. Now, it was early afternoon, and neither of them had been able to get any sleep. April's contractions in the beginning had been hard for her to identify, mostly because he'd screwed things up so immensely that she'd been too preoccupied with other things to pay attention. Once they'd made it to the hospital however, April's water had broken, and then labor intensified in earnest, and the pain was bad, despite slow progress on dilation. Not that both surgeons didn't know that long labors weren't unusual for first time mothers. It was just hard. Hard for Alex to see and even harder for her to feel.

Watching April writhe and moan on the bed, Alex felt even worse than he had when she had gone to Avery's to cool off after their fight. He felt guilty about everything. It was his fault that the baby was coming now, no matter what McCaw or anyone said about babies coming when they want to. The due date wasn't for two weeks, and Alex knew that his crap and fears making April stress was probably the freaking reason that the labor had started now. He was a doctor, and he knew that stress could trigger a lot of things late in pregnancy. He wished he could take it all back. Hide all his crazy from her again. It was better that way.

Now Alex had to shove his guilt and his frustrations and all the crap dragged up by the previous night out of his mind. Because right now, he needed to be here, in the moment, with April.

The contractions were much closer together now, and April gasped, whimpering again, her body tensing in pain, having barely gotten respite from the last wave. She scrunched up her face and gripped his hand tightly, curling up and panting raggedly. Alex winced as his eyes darted to the monitors by the bed. This was a big one. His brow furrowed. Both April and the baby's heart rates were looking good though. He leaned closer to her and used one hand to wipe the hair off of her sweaty forehead. He felt so freaking useless. Because he didn't remember any of the breathing crap from their classes, and nothing he said or did would change the fact that this pain was a necessary part of the process.

When it was over, April's body relaxed slightly, and Alex offered her a few ice chips from the plastic cup that sat on her bedside. After taking sliding the ice into her mouth, April moaned, "Ow..."

"I know," Alex did his best to offer comfort. "But you're doing really good. Do you wanna try to walk again?"

Walking the halls of the hospital had helped April get through her contractions earlier on in the day. They'd walked a lot. Alex would support her, guide her IV, fend off nosy co-workers, and keep her gown back closed while she shuffled along with her cane. That had seemed to really help, and it was something Alex could make happen. She had opted to forgo and epidural, so if she wanted to walk again now, she could. The only issue with walking had been her bum leg. It was already swollen and in bad shape from the last months of pregnancy and hours of walking in the morning hadn't helped. It had hurt bad enough earlier that April had asked to lay down again. He was willing to do whatever would help the most.

"N-no..." April replied, brow furrowing as she grunted in the beginning of another contraction. Alex swallowed and scooted his body onto the side of the bed, letting her rest her head on his shoulder as this contraction ran it's course. He'd honestly expected her to be louder. He'd expected April to scream bloody murder through everything. She'd only started to get louder now, and even that was not as much as Alex had heard in other births. He found it a little unnerving. Then again, way back when they were trapped in the earthquake he'd had to persuade her to scream. Maybe that was what made Alex nervous.

"Oh God," April whispered, her hand tightening around his fingers. "Oooh...damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!"

"You're okay. It's almost over," Alex answered running a hand down her back and frantically trying to remember anything to say. "Uh, just keep breathing? In and out, right? Breathe with me."

He took a deep slow breath in and April followed suit matching her ragged pained breaths with his own. This seemed to be one of the biggest contractions yet. Alex knew that the female body was designed to do this. Giving birth was one of the most natural processes of life. Chicks had been having babies for millions of years, and the fact that their was any human population on the planet at all meant that on a whole the whole labor and delivery thing had to be working. Otherwise they'd be extinct. Still, Alex knew it was different. When it's your own girl. And your own kid. Especially because Alex had seen first hand just how badly thing could go wrong.

Biology, for the first time since med school, gave him no real comfort.

Sensing April relax as the latest contraction faded, Alex tiled his head down and looked at her face. She was breathless, red faced and sweaty, with bags under her eyes. To him she'd never looked more beautiful. Because she was doing all of this having his freakin' kid. Their son.

"Oh..." she moaned, taking the moment between pains to regain her breaths. She turned to look at Alex and the corner of her lips lifted into a smile, "Let's just sit this next one out. Take a break...I'm sure no one would notice."

Despite it all Alex had to chuckle, "I think  _you_  probably would."

"Dang...a girl can dream can't she?" Her grin grew big enough that her dimples appeared on her cheeks. April seemed to be in good spirits. But abruptly the moment passed as another strong contraction reared it's head. She grimaced, gripping Alex's hand tightly and squeezing her eyes shut.

This time she did scream bloody murder.

After another round of contractions, Dr. McCaw strolled into the room, along with a couple of nurses to check on April's progress. Dude had been in and out of the room all the previous night and day, alternating between April and two other delivering Moms. All the while acting cheerful and wearing his stupid stork covered scrub cap. Exactly the kind of reason Alex wasn't cut out for OB. Screaming kids were one thing. Screaming chicks? Three or four at a time? No thanks. McCaw was alright at it though. Pulling latex gloves over his hands the dark haired doctor tilted his head sympathetically towards the bed.

"How are we feeling now, Mom?"

"I-" April began to answer but the spaces between contractions were now shorter than ever and she didn't have time to finish her sentence before the monitors beeped and her voice trailed off into a whine as her body tensed.

"She wants to push," Alex supplied, running his hand down her arm and relaying the information they'd talked about during the last gap between contractions.

"Yeah..." April moaned.

McCaw grinned, settling himself down for the exam at the business end of the bed, "Alright. That's a good sign. A very good sign. Let me just get a look at how things are going down here...oh right on, you are fully dilated! Baby's in a good position; his head is right there...so go ahead and push whenever you feel the urge."

Hearing the words seemed to be a great relief for April, because she immediately shifted position, panting hard, and began to bear down. For all that things had seemed to have dragged along slowly in the early part of labor, Alex felt like they were suddenly zipping along now much too fast for him to take in. As April pushed he squeezed her hand and murmured as much lame comfort as he could while McCaw coached from the foot of the bed.

After several minutes, the doctor spun in his chair and gave quick instructions to the nurses. They quickly started bringing in the karts and trays, a heat lamp, and other gear. Alex knew what all the stuff was. It wasn't like he'd never seen it before. They were getting ready for Adam. To give him his infant checks and clean him off and all of that. He'd seen it all before. But seeing it all brought home the point for Alex.

This was it. Showtime and whatever. He was about to become a Dad.

Gladys, a kindly looking older nurse Alex had always kind of gotten on with, winked at Alex as she unfolded blankets, spreading one on April's chest and laying the rest out in the hospital bassinet, "Not long now, my dears..."

April groaned and strained with the effort of bringing her baby into the world. Her face crumpled and leaned back fretfully, breathing in rapid gasps.

"You are doing so well, April. Light push," Dr. McCaw said calmly from the far end of the bed. "Perfect. He's so close. Head's out. He's right here. Just a little more..."

Alex wrapped his arm around her shoulders and whispered confidently in her ear, "You can do it."

And she did.

Alex had seen births before. Lot's of them in fact. He'd assisted and observed, and all of that. But this was different. It was different when it was you own kid. The moment was kind of surreal. One minute, life was one way. A way Alex had grown accustomed to in the past two years, even if it was occasionally rocky. He'd gotten used to it. Life being him and April. And one minute it was still like that, but the next...suddenly Adam was there. Kind of like magic. Everything changed for Alex. They were three.

McCaw lifted the slippery, wriggling baby clear and quickly suctioning fluid from his mouth. Adam seemed momentarily startled but within seconds, he was screaming loudly and Alex felt himself swell with pride. Set of lungs that kid had.  _His_  kid. He was certain he had never ever heard a more beautiful sound.

"Here's the headliner. Looking good...Okay Dad," Dr. McCaw said grinning and offering Alex a clamp. "You want to cut the cord?"

"Hell yeah," Alex rolled his eyes, but didn't even bother correcting the dude, as he reached down and took the instrument.

He'd never been one who believed in all that kumbaya circle of life crap and whatever...but he kind of  _got_  it now, as he severed the last tie that Adam had with April. Because he couldn't help but think that about four years ago, in this very hospital, Alex had been dying, trapped in an elevator with a freakin' bullet in his chest. At that moment, he'd been so sure that he was screwed. He'd been sure that he was dying. And yet now? Now, here he was alive and well, and his son had just been born.

A whole freakin' new life. Alex grinned and scooted next to April, as the nurses carefully laid their son on her chest. This was another normal part of delivery that Alex had seen before, but now felt completely different about. Parents got a little time to bond right away before the nurses took over, warming, cleaning, and examining the baby. Alex could only gaze down at his son, clearing his throat. The moment she wrapped her arms around the screaming baby, April started bawling. Typical. Because Alex was only blinking a lot because he had dust or some crap in his eyes. That was all. Really.

"Hello," she whispered, tearful but awestruck. "Hello my love...I know it's kind of scary...this is different for you, huh? It's okay."

Unable to stop the goofy idiotic grin that spread across his face, Alex kissed April on the cheek, murmuring, "You did great...look at him, April? I love you. You did so freakin' good..."

Yeah, so right now, Adam was messy and screaming or whatever, but Alex knew that he was perfect. This was the perfect moment. Possibly the best in his whole life, ever. And he just wanted to enjoy it.

* * *

April had never felt this way before. She had never felt so much love instantaneously for someone so small. Adam was the most beautiful little thing she had ever seen in her life. She'd thought she loved him before he was born. Now that he was here, April began to understand just how much more it was possible to love.

It was surprisingly, just like all her sisters had said in their conversations over the past few months. Libby and Kimmie had both had epidurals and Alice had had Gaby at home, but for once they were all in agreement (and that was probably a first). Labor hurt like a bitch. Not as bad as getting a leg crushed by 10 tons worth of building, April supposed, but it hadn't been a pleasant at all. It was more than enough to banish her disquiet over Alex and their fight the previous evening. As her sisters had told her, it had been exhausting and uncomfortable and at moments she felt like she was going to tear apart. A few times April had even felt like she couldn't do it at all.

Labor hurt like a bitch.

And yet, just like her sister's had said, the moment she heard Adam cry, all the pain and exhaustion and all of it disappeared from April's mind. Her baby was here! After months of waiting April and Alex were finally meeting their child. And all the pain and hurt seemed completely worth it.

Adam was real and solid and  _alive_  in her arms.

His screams seemed to calm down when he was laid in closer proximity to her. At least, the screams seemed less sharp. She couldn't stop the tears from falling freely and she was vaguely aware of Alex sniffling and murmuring beside her too. He was so excited. Through her tears, April grinned at him, feeling an inexplicable surge of love for him too, even though she'd thought she already loved him as much as was possible.

April didn't know long they gazed at their baby before Dr. McCaw and one of the peds nurses leaned over to them. April reluctantly allowed the nurse to scoop Adam up. She didn't really want to let him go.

"We're just going to clean him off and do his newborn checks, okay? Get him dressed and under a heat lamp. We'll just be right over here with him," the older woman tilted her had to the kart set up in the far corner of the room.

McCaw squeezed April's shoulder gently, as he moved back down to the end of the bed and began peering between her legs, "And we've got some stuff to finish up with for you..."

April blinked fuzzily. Yes. How could she have forgotten? The final part of delivery. Far less glamorous.

She reached a hand to Alex's arm and looked pointedly at the nurses in the corner as they checked Adam, "S-Stay with him okay? Please? You have to stay with him. Promise?"

He kissed her cheek again and stood up, "Okay."

April didn't want her baby to feel alone with strangers, even for a minute. She thought from his perspective it was probably all frightening enough, being out in the world. It must feel too loud, and too open and too bright. At least he'd recognize Alex. Maybe. It took April a moment to focus on the nurse that was next to her now as the woman patted her arm comfortingly and teased, "Your first lesson in motherhood, dear. You're work is never done."

When she'd finally processed the joke, April pulled her mouth in a half smile. She figured the exhaustion of the labor must finally be hitting her. It felt weird. But she didn't spare much time to think about it as she could hear Alex and the nurses talking over Adam's continued wailing. She just wanted to hold her baby close and comfort him.

"Apgar is a solid 9...look at this big beautiful boy...opening his eyes. He's so alert..."

"And a big mouth!" Alex said proudly. He turned back to April and grinned, "Everything looks great, April. He's got ten fingers, ten toes, two balls, one-"

"Al...-lex!" April scolded breathlessly blinking as the room seemed to move strangely slowly. By the time her words escaped her mouth, Alex had already turned back to the hospital bassinet. She was feeling less and less aware of the goings on in the room around her. Dr. McCaw peered up with concern in his eyes, turning to a nurse and gesturing for more pads. April felt strangely disconnected from the flurry of activity that was going on at the bottom of the bed, even though of course, intellectually, she knew it was happening to her.

"And it's out, but I'm seeing a  _lot_  more blood loss than I'd like to...I need more pads," The tone of his voice, uncharacteristically serious, and the bright red blood that covered his gloves would have alarmed April if she didn't suddenly feel so disjointed. It actually took her a moment to register that it was  _her_  blood. Dr. McCaw spoke again, directing the nurses, "Push more oxytocin in her IV. Start uterine massage now, we need to slow this down..."

Suddenly the nurses were pressing down on her abdomen, making nausea rise in her throat. April gasped and tried to pull away. Dr. McCaw spoke kindly to her, with a discernible note of concern, "This is going to help with your rate of blood loss. Try to stay awake for me, okay? You might be feeling a bit faint..."

"I-I feel funny..." April tried to explain, realizing for the first time that the periphery of her vision was rapidly shrinking, and that her limbs suddenly felt as though they were weighted down by lead and like she'd been standing outside in a snow storm. "I'm cold..."

Adam was still crying and it was as though the sound gave April actual physical pain.

Blinking seemed to do nothing to stop the progress of the black spots in her field of vision. Something clicked in April's mind. She might be out of it, and but she was still a surgeon. She was loosing too much blood. This was acute postpartum hemorrhage. She remembered making the flash card in the first year medical school. It had been on the green card stock, the last of the supply she'd brought with her from home, purchased with Kimmie at the general supply store in downtown Cook. She'd written it alone in her room, while Greta and Lauren and her other housemates had gone out to coffee shop together to review. Without inviting her. April had told herself that she preferred to study alone anyway.

The clear, looping, and precise lettering of her own handwriting spiraled through April's mind: "Though generally rare, defining postpartum hemorrhage (PPH) is problematic and has been historically difficult. Waiting for a patient to meet the postpartum hemorrhage criteria, particularly in resource-poor settings or with sudden hemorrhage, may delay appropriate intervention. Risk factors include multiple gestation, abruptio placenta, prolonged labor, and large babies."

The condition was hard to predict and very dangerous. And if April was diagnosing herself...this would fit the bill.

Just her freakin' luck. April almost felt like laughing. In the past 24 hours, not only had she just experienced one of the most painful fights of her relationship, and given birth to a baby, but she was also probably bleeding out. On top of all her other wonderful previous life experiences, such as tripping over her dead best friend, facing down a shooter, and almost losing her leg in an earthquake. Clearly the universe had it in for her.

As her vision blacked out even further, April felt tears fill her eyes and the sound of her son's cries was all she could focus on. She just wanted to hold him again.

"What the hell is going on?"

"We're going to need 700ML, type O blood!"

Just one more time. She wanted to hold Adam just one more time. The words rolled around in her head as her vision suddenly faded out and April slipped into blackness.

* * *

"Everything looks great, April," Alex said, watching as the nurses cleaned off and checked over the baby. "He's got ten fingers, ten toes, two balls, and one-"

He was so wrapped up in watching Adam, that he didn't quite notice just how long it took April to chastise his crassness. When she did, Alex had already moved on focusing on taking in every detail about their new son, and he didn't notice her tone. He didn't notice a lot of things. Besides, April had specifically said to stay with the baby, and they were both alive and kicking so it was okay. All he could see or wanted to see at that very moment was Adam.

"You clean up pretty nice. Huh, little dude?" Alex said, in cooing goobery tone of voice that would have made him cringe back in the day. He carefully cupped the crown of fine reddish hair that covered Adam's head, attempting to comfort the infant as the nurses did his foot prints.

"Yeah you do...yes you do," Gladys smiled and cleaned the black ink of of the baby's feet. "Have you guys picked out a name for him?"

"Adam," Alex replied titling his head and smiled as his son gripped his index finger with surprising force.

"That's nice," the kindly nurse crooned. "A nice strong name for a nice strong boy. None of this Pilot or Blanket nonsense..."

Alex had seen many newborn babies in his time as a resident. Mostly sick ones, premature ones, and all that. His memory of Sofia at birth was the most clear. She had been miniature, so tiny, and blue. Limp. He remembered Robbins had had to rush right in and get the heartbeat going. He'd assisted on the same procedure hundreds of times with countless sick infants. Adam was nothing like those kids. He was a giant compared to Sofia, both in weight but also in length. It surprised Alex just how long Adam's limbs were; his arms and his legs, even the baby's fingers were elegant and sturdy. Good for surgery, if it was ever something his son wanted. Adam was also constantly in motion, making jerky experimental movements with his head, arms, and legs.

The baby's screams hadn't slowed much at all, which made Alex eager for the nurses to finish the newborn checks and whatever. Adam was still wailing and scowling up at them, his wrinkly forehead revealing just how displeased he was with the whole situation. He knew it wasn't a bad thing that Adam was crying that hard. It was actually a good indicator in young young babies. It meant that it was more than safe to say that his lungs were fully developed and clear of residual fluid. Medically Alex knew this, but he realized he really didn't at all like to hear his own kid cry. It kind of made his skin itch. He just wanted to pick the baby up and tell him it'd all be okay. Alex hadn't gotten to actually hold Adam yet. And he kind of thought he could tell that Adam wouldn't oppose the idea either. At least, judging by how tightly the baby was gripping Alex's finger.

The sound of monitors freaking out behind him, brought Alex back from his little bubble of baby-only awareness and he whipped his head around to the bed. April was surrounded by a flurry of nurses, and McCaw with his scrub mask on near her legs, surrounded by used pads, each covered in blood, Alex realized. Far too much blood. And April wasn't talking anymore, and she was pale and it looked like she was passed out and holy crap this couldn't be happening. She wasn't...she couldn't be...But then again Alex had seen April in a dire situation before. He knew what it looked like. Maybe she had a placental abruption? Acute postpartum hemorrhage? Sudden cardiac distress? Ruptured blood vessel somewhere? Seizure?

There were any number of things that could be going wrong. Alex knew all of them. He kicked himself; he should have anticipated something like this. Stress and all that. He should have been paying more attention. Maybe...It just wasn't fair.

Gently extracting his hand from Adam's grip, Alex spun on his heel and strode over to the bed feeling his panic rising.

"What the hell is going on?" Alex demanded, glaring at Dr. McCaw.

The OB ignored Alex, instead turning to the nearest nurse and requesting blood packs. Alex felt his heart seize up in his chest.  _700_ ML? Freaking A.

McCaw said firmly, "Let's get them outta here, please?"

"Tell me my wife's freaking status!"

The words had left his mouth without much thought. Alex had never called April his wife before. She wasn't. Yet. Technically.

But April was as good as his wife. In every way that mattered. She was the mother of his child, and if there was one thing Alex was certain about in this moment, it was that they were supposed to be a family. The three of them. No matter what kind of crap he thought, or didn't think. Adam should have a mom and a dad. If she...if...He realized that for all his stupid, irrational fear that things between them would fall apart, he'd never anticipated that he might be in this whole parenting thing alone. He'd always thought he'd lose April and Adam. He knew he'd be left behind. Just not like this.

"Tell me or I swear to God I will kick your ass!" Alex bellowed again at the OB, making McCaw wince, the nurses give him freaking pity looks, and startling Adam just enough that there was a pause in his crying. And of course April was sill unconscious, so she didn't do anything. Alex gulped. Behind him Gladys was wrapping Adam up and wheeling his little cart out of the room.

McCaw's eyes lifted to Alex's for a fraction of a second, before speaking briskly, "April's having some blood loss, Dr. Karev. More than I am comfortable with. That's why she passed out. The baby, he's quite large, so it seems the placental blood system between them was pretty extensive. But I'm on it Dr. Karev, we've got more blood coming. I know what I am doing. Just let me do my job."

Alex opened his mouth to protest, as he felt the hands of the nurses pulling him toward the door. He wanted to know more. What was Dr. McCaw's plan? His rate of success in this situation? Good outcomes, bad outcomes? Would April...would she make it? He needed answers.

"Come on, Dr. Karev," Gladys called from the hallway. "We're almost done with Adam now. He could use a little Daddy time I should think..."

"Go on," McCaw said evenly. "I'll take good care of her."

Alex swallowed. He knew he had to leave. He knew what it was like as a doctor to have some crazed and freaked out family member watching your every move like a hawk. It could mess with your game, and that was unacceptable right now. And April had asked him specifically. 'Stay with Adam' she'd said. She'd made him promise. He was damned if he would let her down any more than he already had.

With one last look at the flurry of activity surrounding April's bed, Alex allowed the nurse to lead him to a small room with a rocking chair in it down the hall. He paced back and forth as Gladys carefully dressed Adam now that all his checks were done. Clothes didn't seem to be his favorite thing either. Alex figured his son was finding the outside world to be a little much.

The old nurse looked up at Alex sympathetically, "Opinionated one, this little guy. You two will have your work cut out for you..."

Wincing at Adam's screams, Alex glowered, "I hope so."

"I've seen worse complications over the years," Gladys added. "Nothing to do now but wait. Keep the faith."

"Whatever," Alex shrugged, digging into his pocket and pulling out his phone. He hated waiting. He'd never been a guy who put much stock in faith, or wishful thinking or crap like that. It never amounted to anything anyway. And all the good things in his life seemed to come with a price. Maybe even including his son.

He'd give anything to be a wishful thinking sort of person. Alex would give anything to know that April would be okay. He'd give anything to make her okay. He'd put up with folding clothes and helping to plant flowers in the yard. He'd write and mail thank you letters for crap he didn't even like. He'd go with her to all the freakin' stupid counselling and whatever she wanted him. He air out all his crazy family crap and reveal everything. If it would help. If she'd live. Screw his insecurities and his anger and conferences and all that. Alex would do anything if she lived.

The screen on his phone revealed 5 missed calls from Ohio, texts from Mer, Avery and Dr. Bailey, and a call from his sister. It had been a while since he'd updated any of them, and he surely didn't feel up to it now. Alex sniffed and shoved the phone back into his pocket before digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. Nothing was working out like it was supposed to. Like he thought it would.

Alex settled down in the rocking chair and carefully took Adam into his arms after the nurses had finished with him. He'd never felt this way ever before in his life. It was weird. He'd known this little person for all of 20 minutes and already it was as though Alex's whole world had shifted on his axis. It was sappy, but Alex didn't care. He loved his son more than his own freakin' life. The baby was now neatly clothed in a white hospital onesie, wrapped in a blanket, with a small blue cap covering his head. He seemed to have finally settled down, and his cries quieted to coos as soon as he rested in the crook of Alex's arms. He and April made a baby. This was his son. He had a kid.

Holding the baby close, Alex rocked the chair slowly. Adam was still awake and alert and he squinted up at Alex with watery newborn eyes. Alex knew that newborns didn't have very good eye sight, but it seemed like his son was trying to drink in as much as possible. He was mesmerizing. Freaking perfect.

"Hey there buddy," Alex said softly. "Uh, I'm your Dad..."

Adam yawned, and blinked sleepily up at his father. Alex was sure he had the baby's attention. He offered his finger again, and smirked sadly as the baby took a tight hold of his finger. Poor kid wasn't even a hour old, and crap was already not going his way. Karev curse.

"I guess you're probably wondering where your Mom is..." he continued haltingly. "Don't feel bad about that though. I know she wants to hold you too...it's just she's a little busy right now...but she really loves you...and...you'll...we'll see her soon."

With any luck. The wolds elicited another blink, and a small trail of drool fell from his Adam's lower lip. Alex sniffed and shifted again, using the blanket to wipe the corners of the baby's mouth.

"Your mom is great; she's gonna to spoil you and kiss you and snuggle and all that crap. She will...if she...she will."

Alex was keeping the faith. Or at least trying his damnedest to. Because of Adam.

"Look, I'm going to level with you, okay, Adam? You might not have really hit the jackpot when it comes to Dads...it's true. I'm doing the best I can. I'm gonna take care of you. I, um...I don't know that much about being a father or whatever."

Alex paused, frowning in thought before continuing, "Then again, you don't know much about being alive either, right?"

Adam cooed, smacking his tiny lips, as his eyes started to droop with sleep.

"We're both new at this. We'll help each other out..." Alex rocked back and forth, watching as his son drifted off. It was a small epiphany, but it made Alex relax a little.

After Adam had fallen completely asleep, Alex just sat and watched him. He didn't know how long they stayed that way. It felt like he and the baby were in limbo. At a bizarre crossroads, with two very different lives ahead of them. One with April. Another without. He knew which one he preferred. Which one he was freakin best able to handle.

A gentle knock at the door made Alex's head snap up, catching sight of Dr. McCaw. He blurted, "Please tell me she's okay..."

"Yes, April is absolutely fine," the doctor replied, smiling. Alex breathed a huge sigh of relief, and Adam wriggled against his chest.

"We got the bleeding stopped and transfused some new blood. She'll need to take it easy for a few weeks and she is at risk for anemia, but that's nothing too serious," Dr. McCaw said, "She's asleep but you can take the baby in and have him see Mom now, Dr. Karev. "

"It's Dad..." Alex corrected, hanging his head sheepishly. "I'm a Dad now. And she's gonna get to be a Mom... because of you...so...uh, thanks or whatever..."

"No problem. Turns out, I'm actually pretty good at what I do," McCaw clapped Alex on the shoulder and winked, before heading out the door.

Alex shifted and looked down at Adam, who remained fast asleep in his father's arms, "Let's go see Mama, okay? We're gonna go see your Mama..."

 


	9. Chapter 9

Groggily, April smiled, gazing down at the small bundle in her arms. Well, not so small apparently. All things considered. Since it was likely that Adam's size contributed to her sudden hemorrhagic episode after delivery. Whatever. She was happy with all nine pounds four ounces of him. He was healthy, and perfect, and to April he still seemed small. Though it was actually probably a good thing Adam had made his appearance two weeks before his due date. After all, if he was nine pounds now...They'd gotten started with breastfeeding, and despite the small delay, as a result of her complication in delivery, everything seemed to be going fine. Adam was eagerly chowing down. She felt a little tired, and a lot achy, but April had never felt more accomplished in her entire life.

In a seat next to the bed, Alex sat, on the phone with her mother. He'd kicked off his shoes and was resting his feet on the edge of her mattress. Normally, she'd pester him to behave better, because it wasn't like they were at the house and he could just put his stinky socks on top of anything. Not that April appreciated him doing it at home, but at least it was at home. This was a hospital for goodness sake. In  _public_. But April was feeling especially affectionate towards Alex right now, and she'd already badgered him about getting Adam ready to go home later that day, so it seemed like overkill to bother him about anything else. Especially when he was being so perfect and sweet with the baby. And also because neither of them had brought up their earlier fight. April didn't want to push it.

"Yeah, Karen," Alex said, shrugging, even though no one on the other end of the line in Ohio would see it. "She's fine now. Already on my case about using all the right baby crap..."

April rolled her eyes, as he glanced up to her. As he clasped April's hand tightly, there was an intensity in his eyes that seemed not to line up with the light tone he took with her mother. Alex hadn't really said much about how he felt during her little bout with bleeding out, but April could tell it had spooked him. Her too really. Life and death hanging on the edge of a dime and all that. She was just happy Dr. McCaw had acted quickly and known what to do.

"Here," Alex insisted into the phone, pressing the speaker button and holding it out to April. "Talk to her. She doesn't believe me."

Giggling, April turned her head to the speaker, and replied dutifully, "I'm okay, Mom. I swear. Me and the baby are just fine. Adam says, 'Hi Gramma'!"

Snorting at her attempt at a baby voice, Alex rolled his eyes, but April didn't care. Her mom seemed satisfied.

"No, I don't think you need to change your flight plans," she continued, finding herself responding to her mother's tiny speakerphone voice with a shrug of her own. "We will probably need just as much help in two weeks as we do right now. Besides Meredith and Jackson and everyone here will help too."

"And my sister is almost done for the quarter," Alex added. "She crashes at our place in the summer anyway. We can make her earn her keep."

April knew how hard it was for her mother and father to tear themselves away from teaching and the farm. It was hard to set up farm hands, substitutes, and the like and it took a lot of planning. They and her sister Alice had arranged to fly out to Seattle in two weeks, for the baby's supposed due date, but now it seemed silly to make them try to change. It would be difficult. April also kind of sort of wanted not to have her family around at first.

She wanted to prove to herself that she could take care of her own baby. It was weird, but she kind of felt like she was in a sort of competition with all three of her sisters. In school and career, she'd easily come in first. But for virtually everything else, April was last. Last to bloom, last to fall in love, last to have a baby, last to get married. And her family had long ago picked up on this and it made them a little overprotective of her. They coddled her a lot and nagged and got up into her business far more than anyone else. Although she understood it, sometimes their actions drove April crazy.

Now, it seemed she had finally almost caught up, and April was happy to have the two weeks to herself. She wanted to prove to herself that she could learn to take care of her own child, without her family hovering around her as though she couldn't.

Finally her mother agreed, and after a brief conversation on speaker phone with her overjoyed father, Alex hung up the phone. Before April could stop him, he held up his phone and snapped yet another picture of her and Adam. Ever since she'd woken up, it was photo after photo. And when she had gotten a chance to look through his phone, April had found at least a dozen more of just Adam, taken when April was still asleep. He'd never admit it, but April would say that Alex was fast on his way to becoming one of  _those_  Dads. The ones who always had a camera ready. Adam was barely 24 hours old and he'd probably had more photographs taken of him than her Grandma Murphy had in her entire lifetime. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, and April really didn't mind so much. She thought it was kind of cute when he wasn't taking pictures of her while she was in the middle of nursing the baby. That made her cheeks burn red.

"Do not post that on the internet!" April said firmly, knowing that all the 'Saga of Adam' photos so far had gone straight to facebook.

"Oh come on, Alice has been bugging me to post more stuff," he smirked "It's only mild nudity. Just a boob flash and it's like natural and whatever..."

" _Just_  a boob flash?"

"What?" He shrugged, knowing it would wind her up, "You've got great boobs."

"No!" April said firmly, pointing a threatening finger, growing more flustered as Alex dramatically held out his phone and let his finger hover over the word 'share' on his touch screen. "No, no, no! Don't you dare post that picture, Alex Karev!"

Teasing her Alex pulled his hand away, and placed the phone back into his pocket, "Okay, fine whatever. I won't post it."

Adam had finished eating and shifted away from April and started to fuss. They both immediately turned their full attention to their son.

"Shh..." April comforted, readjusting the front of her hospital gown, and lifting the baby to the towel her shoulder to help him burp. "What's the matter? It's okay."

"You think his diaper needs changing again?" Alex asked, placing his hand on top of hers as she gently patted Adam's back.

"I don't think so...I think he might just be-" April smiled as her movements were gratified by a small belch. "Uncomfortable."

"Way to go, dude."

April laughed and grinned at him. She and Alex had been quickly picking up on cues from Adam, in figuring out what he wanted or needed. At least, it felt like they were anyway. But then again, so far that had only really consisted of feeding, changing and burping. In a controlled hospital setting no less. April knew she couldn't let them become over confident. Things were still kind of easy for right now. She was nervous about what was coming later. After all, they'd only been parents for a short amount of time. She almost giggled. Parents. She and Alex were actually parents. April was someone's mom.

The door to the room opened, and Amber sauntered in, arms laden with a bag and cup holder from the Seattle Center Starbucks, "Hello, hello, hello."

She set the bags down and continued, "Coffee time. Well, hot chocolate for Mamasita, of course. And muffins. Real food. No more of this hospital crap...And where is the little guy?"

Alex turned and smiled broadly at his sister, carefully lifting the drowsy baby out of April's arms, "Amber, meet Adam."

A tentative grin spread across Amber's face as she looked at her nephew. April took the opportunity to dive into the muffins. She was starving, and the hospital food was  _definitively_ not cutting it. She sniffed and blinked back tears, as she watched the scene unfold in front of her. Amber and Alex were both looking down at Adam, who once again seemed to be fighting sleep. April had noticed he seemed to do that after he ate. His eyelids would droop and he'd almost be asleep, and he'd struggle to keep them open, moving his eyebrows up and down. It was almost so adorable that she couldn't stand it.

"Man, April," Amber gushed. "He's super cute. Not all newborns are like that. Quincy said her cousin was a total cone head for his first few days."

When the impulse to sleep finally did take him, Adam gave a tiny snort, and dozed peacefully with a tiny furrowed brow as his father and his aunt scrutinized him with the same little scowl on their foreheads. April sniffed again and took a bite of a muffin. It was still kind of a strange thing. To look Adam and see so many different pieces of people. Even though he was a baby, April could already see that he had features from various members of both her and Alex's family. Alex's chin and shoulders. Her cheeks and ears. Her father's nose. Her mother's fine auburn hair. Rita Karev's long eyelashes. Kimmie's knees. Alice's eye shape. Amber's forehead.

And then there was the whole plethora of little expressions he made. Adam might have various features that made him resemble one person or another, but then he would manipulate them and look just like someone else. Adam was both completely familiar and totally new, all at one time. It was amazing. Breathtaking. April couldn't get enough of him. She could stare at his delicious little face all day.

"Can I hold him?" Amber asked. "I mean...I don't really know how to-"

"Sure you can," Alex said, carefully shifting and laying the baby into his aunt's arms for the first time. "It's not hard to learn. Just support his head like this..."

Amber did as she was told and soon her brother had his phone out again, happily snapping and sharing away.

"Hi Adam," she whispered. "I'm your Aunt Amber. You don't know it yet, kid, but you have a buttload of aunts. Seriously. Real ones and friend ones. Some here and some in Ohioland. But don't worry, I'm always gonna be the coolest. We'll have so much fun..."

April's sniffles here on full force now, and all she could do was grab a tissue. Alex and Amber really had come such a long way from when she'd hitch hiked to Seattle two years past. They still didn't always agree, but April thought their relationship was much closer now than it had probably ever been. Amber had grown. So had Alex.

No matter what hurt or painful things had come up during their fight before her labor, April could admit that Alex had totally grown as a person since they'd been together. She'd grown too. And maybe she'd been focusing too much on how they hadn't progressed during the fight. Yes, it was still a bit of a slap in the face to hear Alex say that he thought she'd leave him. But, knowing his history, it was understandable. And knowing her own history, April realized that she might have been especially sensitive to react to it. But both she and Alex had changed a lot as people since being together. And she thought it was for the better.

They still had stuff to work on. No doubt about that. But they were parents now. They owed it to Adam to try. April was still unsure as to whether Alex had actually agreed to go to counseling or if he had just been humoring her because she'd been starting labor. She thought it was important, but choose not to push the issue at this very moment. She was tired and they weren't fighting, and they had a new baby. And that was about all April could focus on just now. She knew that that would have to change soon, and that the would probably end up having to confront Alex yet again about the therapy, but for now April was content to enjoy watching Alex and his sister getting to know Adam.

Amber was only the first in a long line of visitors. Even though it was a busy work day, many co-workers stopped Mark, Callie, and Arizona, stopped by while Amber was still there, each gushing over Adam in their own unique way. Mark snapped photos to send Lexie, while he bickered with his daughter's mothers. Webber and Bailey swung by next, and then Mara came in between surgeries. Meredith and Derek visited too, briefly, before they had to do some lost cause case. They all commented on how cute Adam was, and for some reason April felt kind of proud of him. Even though it was just a normal hormonal response in adults. Baby's were cute so adults would love and take care of them. But April still felt like he'd accomplished something, in winning over their friends.

Adam was perfect, so of course everyone loved him. She knew that this was mom logic at it's best, but she still relished the feeling.

Jackson came last, after spending most of the morning doing a skin graft. He'd showed up with his lunch and had stuck around for a longer visit than the others. McCaw came and checked April and Adam at 1 o'clock and cleared them to leave, so Alex stepped out to see what was up with her discharge papers, leaving April and Jackson alone.

Jackson sat on the other side of April's bed, gingerly holding Adam. A small smile pulled at his lips as he whispered, "Hey there little man...what's up?"

April grinned and couldn't resist taking a few photos of Adam and his god father. The scene was so sweet.

"If those pictures somehow make it to my mom, I will kill you," Jackson teased uncomfortably. "I don't need you to putting any 'grand' ideas in her head. Now that I think of it, don't show Mara either."

"Aw, come on," April grinned and kissed her son's head. "Doesn't Adam just make you want a little one of your own?"

Jackson pursed his lips and shook his head, "Nah. Right now, I'm good..."

April nudged his leg and Jackson genuinely grinned, "He really is beautiful, April."

Swallowing guiltily, Jackson lifted his eyes to April, "Listen, I am so sorry...If I had known you were going in to labor, I would have..."

"Oh don't worry about that, it all turned out for the best. It's so..." her eyes widened. "Jackson, this is so huge. I mean, I knew it was going to be huge...but it's just now that he's here, I-"

"It is huge. You have a child."

"Yeah."

"We're attendings."

"We are. We're like real adults now Jackson. With lives and..."

Jackson nodded, saying softly, "Everything."

They sat in silence for a moment, each thinking about their early days as interns. At the time neither had realized just how young they really were. Time and experience had changed both Jackson and April. And it was hard not to think about those who hadn't had the chance. Reed and Charles hadn't had the chance to grow. They didn't have lives and everything. Which made April realize yet again, just how lucky she was, despite her relationship issues.

"They'd have liked the name," Jackson said finally.

April tilted her head to one side and gave Jackson a look, "No they wouldn't. Reed would have said it was too sappy and overly sentimental. She'd say I should have picked something more trendy."

Jackson laughed, "Yeah, and Charles would have made a bid to have his name come first. Or to name him after some lame rock star."

"Exactly," April smiled. She could just imagine exactly how they'd have acted, even if it hurt a little to think about them alive.

"Still, I know they'd be honored," Jackson said, leaning forward and carefully transferring Adam back into April's arms. "But...I gotta go. Take care of this little tyke. I'll try to come visit the house this weekend, okay?"

April watched him leave and lifted Adam's hand to wave, "Goodbye Uncle Jackson!"

Brushing past the plastic surgeon, Alex appeared in the doorway, with a nurse, a wheelchair, and a skeptical expression, "You gotta cut that baby voice crap out. That is  _not_  the voice I want Adam to go for."

"Oh, hush!"

He walked over and took Adam from her arms, as the nursed helped April sit up and get ready to go home.

April scowled at the wheelchair, "Is this really necessary?"

"You tell me," Alex said sarcastically, carefully bucking Adam into his carrier.

Getting off of the bed and preparing to leave April winced. She was sore. And not just from the birth itself. Her knee was, as Alex would describe it, jacked up. Swollen and stiff. Her cane wasn't going anywhere any time soon. And April knew she'd be getting good use out of the moby wrap baby carrier Dr. Bailey had given her at the baby shower. She made a mental note to make an appointment with Callie at some point.

Once everything was set Alex placed the carrier in April's lap and stood behind the wheelchair.

"So..." April said, looking down at Adam's sleeping form, feeling suddenly nervous. "They just let us take him home?"

"Uh, he's ours so...yeah."

"Wow. It just feels so unceremonious. I mean, how do they know we can even take care of him properly?"

"Because we're his parents?" Alex began pushing the wheelchair towards the elevator, reminding April of the times he would push her after her physical therapy sessions two years previous. "And we're surgeons. And you've got a ton of nieces. And I work in freakin' peds."

April let out a long sigh, "Right. We can do this. He'll be fine."

"We all will," Alex said, more seriously than she'd expected. He swallowed and pushed the button for the first floor on the elevator.

April blinked and glanced back at him curiously. He pursed his lips and tilted his head to one side.

"I...uh," Alex mumbled. "I got us an appointment with uh...Dr. Wyatt. For the counselling and whatever...It's next week. I figure we'll be a little more settled then..."

Her jaw dropped and her eyebrows approached her hairline. April was completely stunned. Alex had made them an appointment. He'd made an appointment. With a headshrink, as he would often say. He hated psychiatry. She'd imagined she'd have to slowly and delicately reintroduce the idea of therapy to him over a period of time, and even then she'd thought she'd have to be the proactive one in everything. But Alex had surprised her yet again. He really cared.

"I-you...you did?" April stammered as the elevator doors opened.

Alex shrugged uncomfortably and steered them through the lobby, "Yeah. I did. Just to try...you know? Cuz we gotta try somethin'. I mean, that's alright with you, isn't it?"

"Yes. Absolutely...Okay. I'm-That's great, Alex."

The automatic front doors opened and April grinned as Alex pushed the wheelchair outside into the calm May afternoon.

"Okay, kiddo," he said when they arrived in the car and helped April and Adam get buckled in. "We're gonna go to this place called home. You'll like it there. We've got it all decked out for you. You've got a room with a crib, lotsa soft things. I even made you a swing. Do you think he'll like the swing? Whatever."

* * *

Meredith held Zola's hand and carefully walked up the front stairs of her childhood home. The little girl was positively bursting with excitement, bouncing with each step.

"Baby! Baby!" Zola squealed, fidgeting with the straps of her small purple backback. "We're gonna take care of da baby."

"We are," Meredith laughed, and shook her head, using her key to carefully let them into the house. "We're going to help."

She and Zola were on their first official 'God-family' assignment. Zola had yet to meet the baby, and her anticipation was palpable. Since she had the day off, Meredith had agreed to take care of 1 week old Adam for a couple of hours while Alex and April attended their first therapy appointment, and spent a little time outside of the house. Three hours max. April had been very firm. Meredith could tell that her friend was still a little apprehensive about being separated from her baby, even for a small about of time.

Opening the door and walking inside, Zola and Meredith didn't need to call out to tell where everyone in the house was. Loud and piercing cries could be heard coming from the kitchen. In his short life, Meredith had noticed that Adam not had any trouble making his needs known to everyone in near vicinity. Not unlike Alex really.

"Is Adam sad?" Zola said, holding her hands over her ears and looking up at Meredith with wide eyes.

"No," she replied leading the little girl down the hall. "Probably just hungry. Or messy. That's mostly why baby's cry."

They arrived in the kitchen to find Alex and April huddled together, fussing and bickering over the baby. It was clear that baby care had put just that much more strain on their relationship. Alex had told her all about the big fight over the conference the night April went into labor. It seemed like a lot of it was still really unresolved and had taken somewhat of a back burner, since Adam's birth. At least until now. Clearly, they were both making it a priority. Meredith was really surprised to hear that  _Alex_  of all people, had agreed to go to therapy. She'd never have guessed. It was impressive, and she hoped it worked for Alex and April.

"What if he is still hungry?"

"He just ate! He needs a nap."

"You're just saying that because your boobs hurt!"

"I am not! The routine is that he should nap time after he eats."

"Screw that, look at him? He's not falling asleep. You don't even know if he wants to nap."

"All infants want to nap."

"But if he's not sleepy right now..."

"Routine's are important!"

"Whatever."

They looked a lot like zombie's as far as Meredith could tell, with bloodshot eyes framed by dark circles set on pale skin. Both were still clad in socks and bath robes, despite the fact that it was going on 11 am. It really did put her own early days with Zola in perspective. She and Derek never had to deal with a lot of the really early newborn stuff. For the first time, Meredith realized that, in a sense, her whole adoption with Zola might be enviable. At least in the sleep department. Minus the whole foster care thing, clinical trial, almost losing her marriage part.

Alex looked up and yawned, "Hey Mer. You're here."

April's jaw dropped as she lifted Adam out of the wrap carrier that hung from her shoulders. She propped the baby over her shoulder gently patting Adam's back, "Oh my God, you're here! Already? What time is it? Are you-I didn't think that...Oh no, we really should-"

"Don't panic," Meredith said holding her hands up to calm her friends down. "We came a little early. You guys still have plenty of time. I thought it might be a good idea to get the lay of the land. Settle in. Plus Zola is really excited to help."

April grinned tiredly and nodded.

"How's it hanging Zozo?" Alex said wearily as he moved over to the little girl and patted the top of her head.

"Good," Zola's voice held that hollow tone that meant she was completely distracted from the conversation. Her gaze was fixed on Adam, whose cries were calming down under his mother's care. "That your baby UncAlex?"

"Yeah, his name is Adam."

"Him's a boy," Zola said, wrinkling her nose. The realization made her slightly less excited than she had earlier. Lately, boys were not always Zola's favorite people. Even her friend Nicholas at school had often became the subject of her stories at dinner. How messy Nicholas was, or how many toys he'd broken, or how loud he'd screamed. Zola thought of herself as a big girl now, and intentional toy breaking was just unacceptable. Meredith thought it was hilarious.

"He is," Alex said evenly, lifting Zola to his hip. "But that's my fault. You shouldn't hold it against him, eh?"

He walked over to April and she shifted Adam so that Zola could see. Looking at him up close seemed to rekindle Zola's excitement somewhat because she began bouncing her legs and reaching out. "Baby! I wanna hold the baby! Can I?"

Meredith and Alex both made eye contact with each other and quickly shook their heads. A three year old toddler and a seven day old baby didn't exactly seem like the best idea. It wasn't like her daughter had had all that much exposure to real babies anyway. They weren't in her age group and school, and she was the youngest living cousin in her family. It wasn't something Meredith had a lot of experience with either. Maybe it was fine. She just didn't know if Zola could hold Adam. Maybe she could. Alex's expression seemed doubtful.

April however, seemed to disagree. Her face light up and she grinned at Zola, "Of course you can!"

"Yay!"

Meredith stepped forward, "Oh, April, you don't have to..."

Looking startled, Alex said, "You haven't gotten a lot sleep, so I think that maybe you aren't thinking straight."

"Alex, I'm not crazy! She can do it. I'll help her."

"Yay!"

"She's three, she doesn't know how to-"

"She can learn," April rolled her eyes at both the other adults, and slowly made her way to the living room, with Alex, Meredith and Zola trailing behind. "It's perfectly normal to have kids meet babies. Libby wasn't even three when I was born, and Mom and Dad let her hold me."

"Look how that worked out," Alex mumbled. "You hate each other."

"We do  _not_!"

She carefully settled down on the couch cradling Adam, continuing, "I was 6 months younger than Zola when Kimmie was born and I got to hold her. And when Alice was born, Kimmie-"

"Alright, we get it," Alex glanced over to Meredith skeptically, and Meredith shrugged in reply. April seemed more than comfortable with letting it happen, so who where they to be cautious? Parents? Yes. Surgeons too. Still...

Gesturing to the space next to her, April waited for Alex to lower an excited Zola by her side. Meredith watched in bemusement, fishing her phone out of her purse.

"Okay Zola," April said. "You're going to help me hold Adam, but there are a few rules to know first. Do you want to learn them?"

"Yes!"

"First," April reached forward to the coffee table and grabbed a bottle of hand sanitizer, squeezing a pump's worth over the toddler's hands. "You have to get rid of the germs."

"Okay," Zola beamed, rubbing her hands together.

"Now, you have to scoot up right close, next to me. You have to be very gentle, and still. Hold your arms out."

Somewhat shockingly, given her track record of defiance, the little girl did as she was told and moved closer to April. Meredith and Alex both watched as April wrapped an arm around Zola and helped the girl support Adam's head. Meredith watched Zola's face light up.

"Mommy! I helping hold him!" she said seriously, biting her lip in concentration.

"I see you are," Meredith laughed snapping a few photos. It was actually really cute.

"You're doing a very good job, Zola," Alex's features had softened and he looked less drawn and worn out.

Zola gasped and looked up happily, "Apol! Him looking at me!"

"He is! He's like 'Is that my god sister Zola? Is that her?'"

Alex rolled his eyes and lead Meredith back towards the kitchen, "April! What do I keep saying about that baby voice?"

"Whatever," April called after them.

"Here," Alex said, walking over to the cabinet and opening the door. "I'll show you where everything is. We've got plenty of clean bottles and all that..."

Meredith nodded, trying to hold back a smile. Alex was going over everything so seriously. He moved to the fridge and continued, "April's got...uh...plenty of...milk or whatever...pumped, uh, you know. Lined up and all. And formula too, if you run out or something. He's not really a fan, but he'll eat it, push comes to shove. He's a good eater. Same goes for bottle feeding really, I mean...he'll eat for me, but I can tell that he really just wants-"

"Alex," Meredith said. "You're such a Dad."

"What?" he shrugged. "I mean, I am just getting you set up or whatever."

"I know, but you do realize that you are only going to be gone for a few hours."

"You're right. It's just...well this is the first time he'll be without us and the first time I've ever..." Alex scratched the back of his head. "And what if...I dunno... he cries a lot? Or it takes longer? What if Dr. Wyatt says something bad?"

Meredith pursed her lips. Based on her own experience, she could almost guarantee that Dr. Wyatt was going to say some things that neither Alex nor April would really want to hear. That's just how it went with therapy. Meredith had kind of hated it at the time, but in retrospect she was glad she'd gone to Dr. Wyatt all those years ago. It had changed her outlook on both Derek and her mother.

She could tell he was nervous so she reached out and squeezed Alex's shoulder, "It won't be the end of the world. And even if things seem bad at first, her job is to help you guys. Just...go with it. That's all I can tell you."

He shifted uncomfortably and scratched at his neck, "I'll try..."

"Good," Meredith nodded.

Alex sniffed and then beckoned Meredith to follow him upstairs, "Uh, lemme show you where we keep extra diapers and wipes and stuff..."

* * *

April was bouncing her leg. She was nervous. Alex could tell. Her arms were crossed and she was fidgeting with the fabric of her sweater. He didn't blame her. Alex was feeling pretty uncomfortable swallows and leaned his head back towards the wall behind him, running his hands down to his knees. They were sitting side by side on a couch on the universally avoided fourth floor of the hospital. Psych. They were sitting on a couch in an office, directly across from Dr. Wyatt. The awkward silence was drawn out. The session was half over and no one had said a word.

It was just, Alex had no idea what to say, or where to start. He didn't even know if he believed in all this counselling crap anyway. He just knew that he had to do something. April hadn't brought up their fight in the whole week since Adam's birth, but Alex could tell she was thinking about it. Just behind her eyes. They were both getting sleep deprived, because the baby woke up every few hours, and in moments of crankiness Alex could just tell that it was all on the tip of her tongue. Especially because they both knew he still hadn't figure out any of the conference crap. He didn't know what the hell he was going to do in three weeks. The issues were just festering there, beneath the surface. Alex knew it.

The aquarium to his left bubbled as Dr. Wyatt tapped her pen. She took a deep breath and tapped her pen on the pile of files in front of her. April smiled awkwardly and sighed. Alex glowered. How the hell was this crap supposed to change anything? They were just sitting here.

Finally the older woman pursed her lips and spoke, "I see you both were involved in the Gary Clark shooting...You saw Dr. Perkins."

April nodded, and Alex shrugged.

"Yeah..."

It certainly wasn't news to them. Like Alex could forget walking around that corner to see Reed laying on the ground with her brains blasted out. Or how he felt when his chest exploded with the impact of a bullet. Or what it felt like when Sloan and Lexie worked to save his life. And he knew April couldn't forget tripping over Adamson. Or facing down Clark on the catwalk. Or how it felt to loose half of her Mercy West gang in one fell swoop. Both Alex and April were involved in the Gary Clark shooting. They didn't need to talk to know that.

"I see that when Dr. Perkins cleared you for surgery," Wyatt continued. "He suggested you come by and see me for follow ups. Neither of you did."

Alex glanced over to April. She was looking at her hands, looking like a kid who'd just been sent to the principle. He didn't know that she'd gotten the ol' 'Therapy is good for your mental health' crap thing too. And she'd been one of the first surgeons cleared to go back. Alex knew that he'd chosen not to go because he thought it was all bull anyway. He knew crazy and he wasn't crazy. So he'd just gone back to work. But April liked to follow the rules. Her not going was a surprise.

"I...things got really busy," April mumbled.

"It wasn't mandatory," Alex agreed. "I just wanted to do freakin' surgery again."

"Well, why are you here now?" Dr. Wyatt asked crossing one leg.

"Uh, it's not like we're here for the same thing," April added quickly. "I mean we're here...as...as a couple. We want to get married. It's not really related..."

Wyatt only grunted and leaned back in her chair. Alex's brow furrowed and he looked down his nose. What was her problem?

The therapist sighed and flipped through their charts again, "You were both trapped together in the 2012 earthquake?"

"Yeah..." Alex said evenly, crossing his arms and looking at his watch. This was crap. If she was just going to tell them stuff they already knew, then what was the whole point? They might as well go back home and take care of Adam, and wait for the festering resentment between them to just explode and then deal with it all then.

"You've been together two years...Oh, and I see that you two have just had a baby, one week ago...Congratulations."

"Thank you," April said politely.

"Dr. Karev, your records indicate that you spent significant portions of your childhood in foster care?"

Sighing in frustration, Alex held up his hand, "So you're just gonna read us our freakin' charts?"

"Alex-" April cut in.

"What? Every minute we spend with this chick, we're probably just hemorrhaging money and for what? It's not like we didn't live through the crap that's written in our files. I always knew it. This psych crap never works."

Dr. Wyatt seemed unfazed by Alex's outburst. She only blinked and looked back up from the files, "I'm merely trying to get better acquainted with the both of you. That is what an intake appointment is for. Since neither of you are very talkative. So, as you said, you want to get married. What's the obstacle?"

"Money," Alex mumbled. "Time."

"Uh, I think there is a little bit more to it than that Alex," April stuttered. "What about the whole you made plans to travel to another state without even telling me part? You still haven't actually said if you are going to that thing, you know. And what about the the part where you think I am going to leave you in the end so you don't think I'm worth telling stuff to? Or...or the part where you think Adam is going to hate you?"

April had a good memory. Alex sighed and couldn't meet her gaze. He knew those parts were bad. He knew that he'd said stuff to April that freaked her out. And he felt bad and whatever for saying it. Alex still didn't understand why he'd said any of it. But this room, and that freakin' fish tank, and the stupid condescending look on Wyatt's face was just pissing him off.

"You deliberately hid travel plans from April?" Dr. Wyatt probed.

"No," Alex sulked.

"Oh, I don't know," April snapped. "I had to find paperwork in your office...seemed pretty deliberate to me."

"It's wasn't like that...I was just...it was for work and I wasn't thinking and..."

"And then you just forgot to say anything for two and a half months? Oh bullshit, Alex!" She as getting flushed, and Alex could tell that the spike in anger was something that surprised even April herself. But he figured she should be angry. He'd pulled a jerk move. All the anger of their fight was coming back.

"You  _told_  me that your mind was...what? Too full of 'crap' because of me, the baby and everything, and that messed with your game at work."

Alex groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose, "I...I messed up, okay? I know it! You know it! I'm an asshole. That's a freakin' universal truth. Everyone knows it."

"No, Alex," April shook her head in exasperation. " _You_  think you are a jerk!  _I_  don't. You act like one because it's easy. I know you are not, but you don't believe me. You don't believe me and you don't believe  _in_  me. That's the whole problem."

He laughed mirthlessly and shook his head, "The problem is you freakin' think too much and can't just let crap be. You never leave anything alone. You always just  _need_  to pick at it and analyze-"

"You said that you don't believe I am not going to leave you someday! You said that!" April retorted. "How the hell do you expect me to leave that one alone? I can't spend my life constantly being tested by you, because you think-"

"Oh, whatever," Alex snarled crossing his arms. "I wasn't freaking testing you."

"Um...then, why can't you just accept that I'm here for the long haul? Why couldn't you trust me enough to talk about the conference?"

Alex rolled his eyes. Because life had freakin' taught him that things didn't ever work out. Not for his family. Not with Izzie. April just didn't know yet. She didn't get it. She hadn't been around the block as many times as Alex had. She hadn't learned what it was really like.

"I know you've had bad things happen to you, Alex," April continued. "Your family-"

"You don't know anything about it!"

Not with the way her family was. Not with the way her father was. April didn't know.

"Because you never tell me more than the barest of details! I could understand better if you told me more. Do you think Adam will hate you because you won't be a good Dad? I know your father was-"

Alex was pissed now, "That has nothing to do with anything!"

Dr. Wyatt cleared her throat, making Alex and April jump and turned back to face her. They'd forgotten she was even there.

After scribbling a few notes down on a pad of paper she said, "I think everything has something to do with everything. We, as human beings, are in some way the sum of everything that has ever happened to us. You are clearly having a lot of conflict with each other over a few issues, and I can tell that you want to deal with them. If you are here only a week after having a baby, it's obvious to me that fixing whatever is going on with you two is very important to both of you."

Alex sniffed, and April sighed, but Dr. Wyatt shook her head, "That bodes well for this relationship. You both are clearly invested. Sometimes that is half the battle."

April lifted and hand her ear and spoke sadly, "We just keep talking in circles."

"That's what I am here for," Dr. Wyatt said calmly. "I'm not saying this will be fast or easy, but I think I can help you two build a stronger relationship if you are willing to work with me."

"Uh, we're freakin' here so..." Alex mumbled.

April glared at him out of the corner of her eye, "We're willing."

"You are both going to have to be willing to unpack some things from your pasts."

"Oh joy," Alex crossed his arms.

"I'm going to have you focus on thought making, communication, cooperation, coping skills, and conflict resolution," Wyatt looked at her watch, and frowned. "Our time is almost up."

"How much money did we freaking pay to sit here and yell at each other? We could have done that at home."

"But we don't," April said quietly. "And we have insurance."

"I'm going to want to see you both together in a session like this every two weeks, until we have worked through some of this," Dr. Wyatt continued. "Between sessions I am going to give you some things to think about and work on in the meanwhile, and we'll talk and do some exercises in here. For the next session, I'd like you both to think about the sunny side of your relationship. Tell me what you love about each other. Don't share them with each other; we're going to talk about it next time. I also challenge you to give each other one 'appreciation' each day. It can be something simple, or small, like 'I appreciate that you took out the trash'. Just try to find something real that you appreciate each day."

Alex rolled his eyes. A bunch of fluffy crap. But April was nodding eagerly and had pulled her little red notebook out of her purse and had started seemingly taking detailed notes. She looked like she was in to all this crap. Damn. It meant he'd have to continue trying. Or something.

"We'll be here in two weeks," April said sincerely.

Alex slowly nodded. He'd have to figure a way out of the stupid conference. He absolutely  _needed_  too. That was for sure. It wasn't like he even still wanted to go to it, now that he'd seen Adam. Work, even the Africa project, didn't matter so much with the little guy around.

And Alex knew he'd have to rearrange his schedule eventually, if this counselling crap was going to become a regular thing. Because of their fellowships, Alex had only had 3 weeks off for family leave, while April had 6, but it didn't sound like this was gonna be short. Alex only hopped that it wouldn't take that was probably just going to be a hassle. One big fat hassle.

He ran his hand down his face and stared at the bubbling aquarium while April and Dr. Wyatt arranged for their next appointment. Then they all rose to their feet and the older doctor offered Alex her hand. He shook it reluctantly.

"Nice work today, Alex."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yes, you both allowed me to learn a lot about you. I know it's hard to be here."

"Thank you," April shook Wyatt's hand.

"Whatever," Alex shrugged. It didn't seem like they'd accomplished anything yet. He supposed he'd just have to wait and see.

 


	10. Chapter 10

_"Oh! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey._ _A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?"_

April looked up from her folding and watched as her father sang a familiar song from her childhood to her son. The scene warmed her heart. Joe had Adam in his arms and was tickling the baby's stomach. He had Jeopardy on mute on the tv so he could croon and whisper to his grandchild. Adam, for his part, stared blearily up at his grandfather with a wrinkled forehead, framed by his somewhat unruly head of hair. Grandpa and grandson bonding was going well.

Karen Kepner walked in from the laundry room and plopped another dry load next to April, being mindful of her bandaged and propped up leg. She smiled gratefully at her mother and grabbed another handful of clothes to fold. It was amazing the amount of laundry that one small person could generate. Combined with his father's loads, and April's low energy following the birth, it had all seemed overwhelming. However, in the four days since the arrival of her mother, father, and sister, April felt like she and Alex were finally able to get a good handle on things. They were able to get a few more solid hours of sleep, and for all April had thought she'd wanted to prove she could care for Adam by herself, having other people around to clean and run errands and help with the baby was awesome.

As a result, April had the chance to go have Callie look at her leg and do a few adjustments, so it was actually feeling better, and would improve in the coming weeks. Adam had had his first check up, and was putting on good weight. And with her family there, Alex had apparently had the chance to scrounge around for someone to take his place at down in Phoenix to represent the Africa Teaching project in a week. Though, he never said anything to her about it, beyond, 'I'm not freakin' going'. April had just heard that he was looking for a replacement from Callie, who heard from Arizona who heard from Alex. But April wasn't focusing on that. Wyatt had said that their homework was to focus on what they loved about each other. Not the parts that maddened them. So, she was trying.

Not that Karen, Joe, or Alice had any inkling that April and Alex were trying counseling. It wasn't like she wanted to keep it hidden. In fact, Jackson, Mer, Amber, Lexie, and most everyone else in Seattle kind of knew. And that really didn't feel like too big of a deal. April felt more than comfortable with her thrown together Seattle family knowing what was going on. Talking about it with her parents and sister felt like something different. And April didn't want to have anything about it getting back to Libby somehow. Then she'd never hear the end of it. So, April could only hope her parents and sister didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

It also helped that April's family acted as a bit of a buffer. Her mother's cooking, father's busybodying, and Alice's advice was comforting. The tense moments between herself and Alex were easily defused. And this was a very happy time and all.

At nearly 3 weeks old, it seemed like Adam was growing bigger and bigger every day. April knew it was probably still early, but she swore could see little inklings of personality already beginning to unfold in her son. He wasn't terribly fussy and only cried when he was in actual need of food, a change, or love. He had a different cry for each need, and could get very loud. She'd learned what his noises meant and it seemed like Alex could tell the differences too.

But the rest of the time, Adam seemed content to look around, sometimes squinting and scowling against his limited infant eyesight. He preferred actually being held to laying in his crib, and could be easily soothed with voices, humming, and music. He appreciated swaddling, a good back rub, and the times he could occasionally manage to discover his thumb, toes, or fingers. When he did, Adam was fond of sucking them. It was adorable.

April and Alex both still ended up short on sleep in the beginning, but Alice, Karen, and Joe had gone a long way into putting things into perspective. The first full night the Kepner clan had arrived in Seattle, was mother's day. Her family had made a big to do of the whole thing, since it was April's first time spending mother's day as someone's mother. Somehow, despite it all, Alex had managed to coordinate with Alice and her parents, and presented her with a card and gifts 'from Adam'. April sometimes still had trouble wrapping her head around the fact that she was a mom. The little celebration was so sweet it had brought her to tears.

That night her mother had held Adam close, soothing him to sleep after April finished feeding him. Both she and Joe were in awe of their grandson and they couldn't stop raving about 'what a good baby he was'.

Both April and Alex had chocked that up to just being over-doting grandparents and Alex had finally called them on it, "You're just saying that because he is your grandkid. He cries pretty normally for a healthy baby, I think."

Joe had looked up from adjusting the blanket and shook his head, glancing pointedly toward April, "No, Alex, I am telling you. Try three out of four girls with severe colic, then you'll see what a laid back boy your son is. Our house was so loud. This one here didn't seem like she'd ever stop crying. Went on for months."

Unable to control the flush spreading across her cheeks, April had ducked her head and rolled her eyes. She'd heard the story before. Many times. The extended family never let her live it down.

Alex's eyebrows raised in shock, "Three of them had colic?"

"Libby, April, and Kimmie. April was the worst," Karen agreed. "Took her forever to learn to self sooth."

Seemed like every time a new cousin or grandchild was born the story would get told again. Alice took pride that she was the one who didn't have colic at all. April got the shame of being the biggest crier. Where Libby and Kimmie had grown out of their colic in the normal period, April had been a chronic crier, for far longer than she should have been and for no clear reason. Aunt Martha had suggested hot baths. Uncle Gus told her father to drive April around in the car. And Cousin Nancy thought the sound of the vacuum would be a magic charm.

Nothing had done the trick. Finally, so the story went, her mother had successively adopted Grandma Murphy's tried and true method of just 'letting the baby cry her wee self to sleep', and baby April had supposedly at least learned not to keep the whole farmhouse up every evening. And then crying herself to sleep had become a hallmark of her life. Not that anyone could have known that at the time.

Now, watching her father play with her son, April realized she had no idea how her parents had ever managed to employ that technique on her. She folded another small blue onesie and placed it into her pile. She instinctively knew that she couldn't do that to Adam. April felt as though she physically hurt when Adam cried now. It seemed completely counter intuitive to imagine leaving him screaming by himself, for no apparent reason, without attempting to comfort him. And April knew that some studies said that what her parents had done was perfectly valid, but there were also studies that said it wasn't. There was no 'right' way to do any of this really. She just knew that method wouldn't work for her, and for the first time, April wasn't sure she agreed with all of her Mom and Dad's parenting decisions.

There hadn't really been much reason to think about or question them before, but it was still a startling realization. April thought that maybe they'd made some mistakes. She'd never really thought her parents could before. And maybe it was just thinking all this counseling stuff that had April thinking this way, but a small part of April suddenly considered whether her colic played more into her life than she realized. They'd left her alone to cry herself to sleep. No wonder she'd turned out to be so insecure? Maybe it contributed.

Carefully sorting the rest of the load into piles and grabbing another item to fold, April shook herself. It didn't really matter. She was grown, and it wasn't like she hadn't always known that her parents loved her. Even if no one else did. That was the one thing the insecure little April of her childhood could always hold on too. Mom and Dad loved her.

They loved April and now they loved her son, even if he was born before his parents were even married, and despite the fact that he was so big she'd almost bleed out. None of that impacted their love. The sentiment was reinforced as her mother returned from the laundry room and sat down next to her father, cooing sweetly to Adam, and joining Joe in another quiet verse of singing.

Tilting her head to one side, April could hear her sister Alice chatting with Alex in the kitchen, and their conversation made her smile. The old Iowa vs. Ohio debate. Her sister knew that saying that Ohio was better than Iowa at anything was enough to get Alex going, and she tended to wind him up over various topics relating to that theme. This time the focus was football.

Alex shut the pantry, and said, "Ohio State has like the worst defensive record ever."

"Yeah," Alice countered. "Because you don't need a great defense when your offense is  _amazing_."

"Football is all about defense."

"You're just saying that because the Buckeyes beat Iowa State."

"It was a bad ref call that made that game, not anything our guys did."

Alex huffed out of the kitchen carrying a bag of chips and slumped down next to April, using one hand to gently massage her bum leg as the other hand dug into the bag of chips on her lap. The moment was fleeting and somewhat unexpected, and April ended up blinking in surprise. It wasn't like she and Alex had been exactly cold to each other in the past few weeks. They still slept in the same bed, and kissed occasionally, and embraced and all that. But small gestures like this ever few and far between lately. From April as much as was a result of stress and hormones and fear and everything really. But the touch felt nice. April scooted closer to him, and he smirked at her and devoured a mouthful of chips.

"Oh right, blame the referees," Alice leaned out of the kitchen, carrying a dish towel. She hung on the door frame by the trips of her fingers and reached in just far enough to swat Alex in the back of his head with the towel. "Bad loser, you are!"

Alex grabbed an unfolded onesie from the pile and threw it at Alice, missing her by inches as she retreated back into the kitchen to finish dishes.

"Everyone behave yourselves," Joe calmly intervened, looking up from Adam, as Karen settled in next to him and watched the silent image of Alex Trebeck.

"Your yoda impression sucks!" Alex called into the kitchen.

"Better than yours!" came Alice's quick reply.

Out of all of April's family, Alex had forged the most comfortable and closest relationship with Alice. April found that ironic, because in a lot of ways, she had always been closest to Alice as well. He turned back to April, and she would have scolded him about throwing clean laundry across the living room, except that he was still smiling and it was a real smile and she felt all warm and fuzzy, and now he was wrapping his arm around her shoulders and it was just not worth it.

Gobbling another handful of chips, Alex leaned forward and gestured at one of April's piles of sorted laundry, "Is that my lab coat?"

"Yes," April replied, finishing the last fold of a small baby outfit and placing it on the edge of the couch. "It still needs ironing though...but I know you are going back to work next week so I just ran it with the rest of the whites."

Alex offered her the bag of chips, and when April declined, he placed them on the table and brushed off his crummy hands on his pants. To April's surprise, Alex then leaned forward and picked up a small green onesie from her pile, and began to fold it. To April, the little garment looked impossibly small in his large hands.

"I never ironed anything until you started doing my laundry," Alex mumbled, scowling as he haphazardly creased the little outfit.

"And to be perfectly honest, your clothes were horribly wrinkled most of the time," April snickered matter of factly, watching him place his folding job on the top of the pile.

If it could be called a fold job at all. It kind of looked more like he had just rolled and crumpled. But, April had never really seen him willingly try to do any folding at all before without major complaining, so she'd give him credit.

Alex snorted with laughter at nodded his head at her reply, "I  _appreciate_  your candor...and your folding."

He held out his hands for more folding, so April gave him another small stack of Adam's clothes. She supposed it didn't really matter that much if Adam's clothes were a little crinkled. At least, she could fold then herself later with little difficulty. They shared a smirk at the way he jokingly utilized Dr. Wyatt's suggestion from their appointment. It had turned out not to be that hard really. Even Alex had gotten on board. There was plenty for them both to appreciate. April realized that there were tons of things Alex did, especially now that they had Adam, that genuinely made a difference in her life. For all he could be frustrating, closed off, and irritable, Alex also had a heart of gold.

"Oh shoot," Joe said, looking up from Adam to the game show on tv. "Category is farm vocabulary. I should know this one."

"Ha! I know it! It's 'What is a swine?'" Karen answered triumphantly, making Alex tilt his head skeptically at April.

"They like Jeopardy," April shrugged.

"Yeah, well...when we're their age, let's be sure to pick a cooler show," he whispered.

April pulled her gaze from his, not wanting him to see her reaction. She nodded quickly, plastering on a smile. She focused on her hands and went back to folding clothes. She used to love when Alex say joking things like that in passing. When he'd allude to them being old and still together and everything. But then they'd had their big fight and he'd admitted that he wasn't  _sure_  they'd stay together at all, and he'd stopped saying things like this, and April had kind of stopped letting herself believe in them and it was a little overwhelming to hear him say it again now. Because it set her mind racing of in a thousand different directions. Looking for depth in his words. What did he really mean? Was he overcoming his fear? Just joking? Messing with her? Trying?

Alex seemed to sense her sudden change in mood, because he shifted uncomfortably and continued to fold. April could feel his gaze burning into the side of her face, and she swallowed hard. She felt silly for suddenly feeling so emotional. Scared even. This was supposed to be a happy time, and until now the day and evening been exceptionally peaceful and nice. She was just letting her mind and paranoia get the better of her and it was ruining the moment. Because Alex had squeezed her knee, and he was sitting next to her,  _folding freaking laundry_ , and joking about the future for goodness sake, and that really couldn't be a bad sign at all, could it? April didn't want Alex to think she hadn't noticed and didn't like all of that. She wanted to tell him that it was okay.

Before she could speak however, Alex opened his mouth and stated casually, "I got someone to cover me."

He didn't need to say what for. They both knew he was talking about the APSA conference he'd foolishly and impulsively chosen to register for months previous. The whole thing had led to their predicament now, and revealed some underlying issues in their relationship that ever hard to face. Alex's words were a surprise though.

"Who?" April asked curiously, uncertain as to why he suddenly was disclosing this information to her. Even now that they were in counselling, Alex spoke very minimally about the conference, only broaching the topic when absolutely necessary.

"You'll never guess." He shrugged, "Doesn't matter."

"No?" April knew that the project in Africa was very dear to his heart, and that that was the reason that he'd made the choices he had. No matter that they were misguided and damaging, it came from a place in Alex that was dedicated. Whoever was going to the conference in Phoenix was going to represent Seattle Grace's Africa program on a national scale. So turning over that role was obviously hard for Alex.

"Nope," the corner of Alex's lip pulled into a smile and he was looking April in the eyes, and in that moment she felt like his gaze seemed more open and calm than it had in a very long time. "I mean, it's a little surprising. But whatever, I left the trip in good hands, and I am going to be here with you and Adam. Until we get us all worked out. That's all that matters."

April smiled shyly and bit her lip. It really did matter, and what was more important to her, it seemed like Alex was really invested in growing and figuring things out. As suddenly as April had felt uncomfortable, now April felt at ease. Better, in fact, about the whole thing than she had felt in a long time. They were going to work things out eventually. They just needed to put in the time. They needed to take small steps. And they were.

* * *

Alex sniffed and yawned, shuffling down the hallway to the sound of his son's cries, armed with a warm bottle for a night feed. When he reached the nursery, he carefully lifted his agitated baby from the crib and settled into the rocking chair by the window.

"Hey big guy," he said quietly, offering the bottle to the agitated infant. "I know I don't quite have the same stuff on tap like Mama does, but food is food right?"

As usual, after a little bit of fretting and fussing, which Alex thought was more to make a point than anything else, Adam took the bottle and began to eagerly drink his nighttime meal. Alex thought they were getting the hang of the whole thing; waking up in the night to feed Adam. He putting on weight at a good rate, and was able to sleep for longer and longer periods. Alex and April alternated their responses to Adam's night needs in order that they could both get the longest amount of uninterrupted sleep possible. Since her family was leaving the next morning, Alex supposed the real test of their parenting abilities was still to come, but the Kepner visit had given them both the chance to catch their breath, and some sleep.

Adam was unusually awake at this feed and he stared up intently at his father as he ate, small dimples appearing on his cheeks with each swallow. It wasn't even freakin' biased to say that his kid was going to be super cute. His dimpled smiles were gas related at this point, but it was no exaggeration to say that Adam would be a looker when he could control his expressions more. And that the little boy would probably be able to get a long way on dimples alone. It was still kind of hard for Alex to believe that he'd played any part at all in the creation of this perfect little being. If Adam didn't scowl the way he did, and he didn't know April any better, Alex might let himself wonder...because most things he played a part in ended up getting screwed up. Not Adam though.

He flexed his ankles and knees, making the chair rock gently, running his hand along the top of Adam's red sleep mussed hair, "See? You old Dad was right. Food is freaking food..."

Actually, jokes and whatever aside, there was one thing that pulled every bit of disbelief from Alex's mind, and replaced it with more than a little unease. He tried not to let it bother him. He tried not to think about it. The fact that Adam had Aaron's eyes. April and all the books and whatever said not to hold much stock into young babies eyes. Everyone more or less started out with something vaguely blue. he'd seen it enough himself on the peds ward and in the NICU. But Adam's eyes were not vague and they showed no signs of freaking changing. They were his brothers. Alex was as sure about his sons eyes not changing color as he was about the fact that Adam would have his mother's smile and his own scowl. It was just how things had gone down. A roll of the genetic dice. And this combination meant that Adam had his uncle's eye color.

Alex tried not to read too much into it. But it was true. Sometimes Adam's gaze was a strange look into the past pulling Alex back to memories he had of his brother when they were kids. Before Amber. A lot of the memories were bad. They involved tears and their father and mother and yelling and all the crap Alex hated to think about. But some of the memories were good. He remembered him and Aaron giggling in the back yard and worm racing and chasing after the ice cream man on warm summer days. That was the strange thing. A twinkle in Adam's eye could make Alex think of happy moments he didn't know he remembered.

"Grandpa and Grandma and Aunt Alice are leaving in the morning," Alex continued casually. "So I bet that'll be a little different. You got used to them helping out. But your Mama and I can take care of you."

He didn't really know why he always felt like talking to Adam. He didn't do the whole baby talk thing that April and almost every other chick insisted on doing with his son. Alex just talked to him like he was a kid. Like he was a regular person who deserved to know what was going on in the world. So, Alex updated him on his life. Adam 'knew' things that Alex hadn't yet told anyone else. Adam knew about the memory of Aaron and the water balloons. He knew about the pepper slices he'd dropped on the floor while trying to cook something, which Alex had just thrown into the pot without re-washing (ten second rule). Adam knew how many pediatric attendings across the city he'd had to pander to in recent days. He knew that in his father's eyes it had all been worth it. Even the trip to Seattle Children's, and it didn't matter that it was freakin' Robert Stark who'd agreed to take Alex's place at the pediatric conference. Because Alex understood that not going to Phoenix was the right thing for their little family.

Adam was easy to talk to. Alex smirked. Maybe he'd grow up to be a head shrink instead of a surgeon.

Both father and son startled a little when the door creaked open. Alex blinked in surprise when the open door revealed a slipper clad Joe Kepner in the dim light. Adam seemed satisfied by the presence of his grandfather and continued with his late night (early morning really) dinner.

"Uh, hey," he murmured apologetically. "Sorry if we woke you up...I know your flight leaves pretty early."

"Oh," Joe chuckled softly, waving one hand dismissively as he made his way over to the window and leaned on the sill. "I was already awake. I can never sleep well the night before a trip. I hate flying. Nothing more frightening. A tin can just up in the sky. You can't tell me that's safe."

"Safer than driving," Alex said, knowing from his work in the hospital that there was statistically far more danger from being out on the roads than up in the air.

"Doesn't feel that way."

"Whatever."

Alex shrugged, looking back down at at the baby, again feeling that mildly creeped out vibe he got whenever he was around April's father alone. It wasn't stalker creepy, or even really bad feeling. It was more like an exposed feeling. Like those dreams April told him about having sometimes where'd she'd end up going to work or the grocery store or wherever stark naked, panicking when she realized everyone there was looking at her. When Joe Kepner looked at him like that, Alex felt like all his secrets were out in the open. It was as though Joe could see it all, even though he knew that the older man had been told the barest of minimums about everything. But Alex wasn't comfortable with that. It was bad enough April and Mer and Cristina and Robbins got exposed to all his crazy crap. Joe just wigged him out a little.

After a long beat of silence, Joe tilted his head and caught Alex's eye. Adam fussed and squirmed, and needed to burp, so Alex lifted his son to the towel on his shoulder, and patted gently.

"It's hard for you, isn't it?" Joe said quietly. "It's hard sometimes."

Alex lowered his gaze and frowned, speaking in an even tone trying to hid the uneasiness he felt, "I don't know what you mean."

Joe sighed and stuck his hands in the pockets of his robe. "I mean, all of this. Having a family...becoming a father...loving someone."

"You think I can't do it?" Alex felt his guard rise. "What the hell do you know?"

Adam fussed at the sudden change in his father's voice and Alex glared at Joe. He held the baby closer. The dude was treading much to close to stuff Alex didn't want to talk about.

"Now, I don't pretend to know much of anything about anything," Joe continued, holding up one hand dismissively. "Least of all about you and your past. I only know as much as April tells her mother, and she doesn't say much. And that's okay. I know all I need to about you. I learned all of that the day I met you."

Alex felt his curiosity over power his anger. He'd never quite understood why Joe had always been so freaking accepting of him. From the day they met, long before he and April had even really thought about dating. Usually chicks father's hated him. "That so?"

Joe nodded firmly, and pursed his lips, "I could tell you were a tough nut to crack. And you probably have good reasons to be. But, you saved my daughter's life. And that's enough for me."

Shaking his head, Alex sighed. That rescue crap should really only get him so far. And the whole heroism thing was lame and pretty run of the mill, "Anybody who was down there with her would have done the exact same-"

"I am not talking about  _during_  the earthquake, Alex," Joe said quietly. "I am talking about  _after_. When that doctor came and told us what was going to happen with her leg, and what she needed to do to get walking again...I saw her face...It was devastating. Heart breaking. I could see her giving up. Until you told her she'd still succeed. Tell you helped her see that it was only a setback, not an ender. April believed you enough to go on. And for many years, the only person she believed like that was me. I used to be the only one who could make April believe in herself. But you can too. That's all I needed to see."

Alex didn't know how to respond. Joe didn't understand that how many times Alex had hurt April too. He didn't know half the stupid crap Alex had done to her before he'd pulled his head out of his ass and realized that he care. Joe didn't know that Alex had screwed things up between them more recently. He didn't know they were trying therapy. Joe didn't know a lot of things.

"It's not that simple," he sighed.

"Exactly my point, son," Joe said placidly. "For you, it's hard. For lots of people it is."

Alex swallowed and looked across the room at his would-be father in law, "Cut the crap, Joe. What do you mean? What are you trying to say?"

The older man, only gave a small smile, and it was maddening, and Alex would have just stood up and left the god damn room, if he wasn't in Adam's nursery and the baby wasn't already dozing and snoring softly on his shoulder. But he was damned if he was going to wake the baby or anyone else in the house up by tearing around with his frustration. So, he sat, eyes glued to his toes, carefully avoiding Joe Kepner's eyes.

"I think you and I might be a lot alike, Alex."

Yeah right. Alex snorted to himself. Joe, reigning dad of the year, who survived life with a billion chicks and acted like he was freaking Buddha, or Opie from Mayberry. Joe was in no way a screw up. He was a family man, who was content and maybe even happy to just deal with his cows and his pigs and whatever. That was as far away from Alex Karev as you could possibly get.

"We're nothing alike."

"Oh, I don't know...I figure you have a lot of experience taking are of people. I know what that is like. I am the oldest in my family," Joe said he held up his hand and waggled his fingers for emphasis. "Me and then five little sisters."

Alex's features remained solemn and his frown didn't really know what to make of the conversation.

"Did April ever tell you anything about my mother?"

Shrugging, Alex shook his head. He supposed he knew as little about Joe and the dude knew about him, "Only that her name was Alice."

"She died when I was...oh 11, nearly 12," Joe continued, and a sadness crept into his features. "It was all pretty sudden. A single car accident on the road to our farm from town. No one knows exactly what happened. And...my father...well, I saw what it did to him. He was lost. Broken. He never got over it. And I had to step up and take care of all my little sisters. Take the burden of their futures onto my back because Papa became so...cold. He was distant, you see? So, stepping up? I know how crushing that can be."

In the two years that Alex had known Joe Kepner, he'd never talked like this. Sure he had his weird wise dude moments, and he'd never been shy about dealing with emotional crap. The man freakin' hugged Alex and cried the day they met. He'd also been seemingly quick to love and embrace Alex as part of his life. Thinking about it now, Alex realized that in a lot of ways, Joe had welcomed him into his family long before they became connected through Adam, and well before Alex proposed to April. Still, despite the tendency for weird conversations, blubbering and whatever, Joe had never talked candidly about himself like this. He was a quiet dude, and he told stories about errant pigs, nosy in laws, and clumsy daughters. Never anything about before.

"I made sure they went to school, had clean clothes, and food to eat. I took care of them, and care of them and care of them, until I thought I couldn't anymore."

Alex cautiously lifted his gaze more, watching as Joe shook his head, "By the time I had the last one old enough and out of high school, I was worn out. Done. Damaged. I struck out to live on my own. Got my land; started farming. And I knew, I  _knew_  that I wanted a life just for me. Alone. Safe. I didn't want to love someone because I didn't want to end up like my father. And I sure as hell didn't want to have kids that had my childhood. I'd done so much, and I thought I couldn't do anymore. Ever. When you have to take on that much responsibility, and care, you get to a point where you just know you can't do it anymore."

The older farmer's words were hitting much to close to home for Alex. He'd never have guessed, but turns out, Superdad hadn't had that super of a dad. Who would have thought? He could totally relate to what Joe was saying. He'd worried about Aaron and Amber going to school and getting enough freaking food. Alex remembered stuffing potatoes and apples in his pockets at the Save-a-Lot down by Industrial, and getting caught by the store security guy. He could never forget the way his mother faded away after their his father finally left, despite the fact that his old man beat her up. He could still see the same empty look on Ava or Rebecca or whatever's face as she rocked back and forth in the shower. And the feeling of Izzie dying in his arms was something that would never leave him. Alex knew what it was like to be overwhelmed by worrying about everyone else. It had bitten him in the butt many times. Seemed like Joe Kepner knew too.

"But, thing is Alex," Joe voice pulled him back to the nursery, and away from the torrent of memories in his mind. "It's messed up like that, and then you meet the right person and bit by bit, you change. That person helps you see the good things in your life more than the bad, and you can learn to stop hating the world for whatever it did to you."

Turning away from the window, Joe slowly made his way toward Alex and Adam in the rocking chair. "I got with Karen and...she changed how I saw everything. Especially how I saw myself. It was hard for me at first. I didn't trust it could work. And then we had the girls and...I never thought I had it in me. To be a father. I thought I was used up. But now I am grateful because it's honestly been the greatest experience I could ever have. I knew how to be different than Papa was, you see? I made sure I was different. And better for my daughters than I was for my sisters. I tried to be better."

Joe leaned down and kissed Adam's head, giving Alex's a shoulder a small squeeze, "The transition is hard, but I promise it's worth it. You have it in you to be a great husband and father, Alex. I believe in you. I have no doubt. And neither should you. Just keep doing your best. Go with the change. I know it feels hard, but let it happen. Let this little guy change you. And he will. And let April change you, and you'll change them, and that's just how families are. It's wonderful, and I know it can work, even for someone who doesn't believe it can."

Alex was kind of stumped. What the hell do you freakin' say to that? He'd never been good with emotional crap. Luckily Alex didn't really have to worry because it seemed like Joe didn't really expect any sort of response. Dude just nodded his head one last time, moved to the door and said good night.

As soon as the door shut, Alex whispered to the sleeping Adam, "I've said it before...but your Grandpa is one weird dude."

He wondered if things could be that simple, like Joe had said. If he could just make himself relax and believe that he'd change and things would get better. Alex wished he could just go with the change. Knowing that it had kind of sort of worked for Joe made everything seem slightly more possible at any rate, and he found himself believing more and more as time went on. Somewhere between May and October, Alex realized that his life was indeed changing.

It was a lot like something Dr. Wyatt kept repeating to April and Alex when they went into their therapy sessions in the ensuing weeks and months. Not that Alex ever told anyone about his conversation with Joe. That was private or whatever. At any rate, that psychologist was always telling them to 'surrender to the process'. And Alex tried going with it.

Even when it meant that Wyatt made them face each other and hold hands while maintaining eye contact in some stupid trust exercise. And when she made them keep track of what annoyed them the most about each other. And when she made them both talk about parts of their pasts that they would rather not even think about, let alone share with anyone.

But the hand holding and the trust crap made Alex realize that for most of his life he'd only been able to let himself trust one person; and that was Alex Karev. Virtually everyone else had let him down along they way. So he'd stopped even bothering to try trusting others. April discovered that honestly, she wasn't that trusting either, having been had her trust trampled upon far too many times, which Alex thought kind of made sense. So, Wyatt had them try this 'give an inch thing'. They had to pick one thing to start with, a memory or a task or whatever, that they trusted each other with.

And when April told Alex that she kind of was annoyed by his bluntness, he huffed and countered that it was no wonder he didn't have much to say since she rambled so much that he could never get a word in edgewise anyway. The heated exchange had ended with them sitting cross armed on the therapy couch. Literally seated as far away as humanly possible without getting up. Wyatt let them strew for a moment, before carefully pointing out that April had said that one of the things she loved about Alex was the way that he didn't complicate things, or let the way others saw him prevent him from telling the truth. Which summed up in a word might be 'blunt'. And that what Alex had included on his list as 'thinking out loud' could also be called rambling. Often, traits you love in a person get on your nerves too. Go figure. But, Alex figured that part of being together was learning to accept that.

Weeks later, on the same threadbare couch, by the same stinking fish tank, Alex revealed just how he'd gotten his Dad to leave that one final time. He'd spent half a season as the star 8th grade wrestler. Not that his father came to any of the matches. If he had maybe the asshole would have had some freakin' clue what was coming. He explained how it wasn't really a planned beat down, more like an avalanche of repressed rage and hurt over the years of abuse Alex had witnessed in his short life. Don had looked at his mother the wrong way one too many times at dinner and Alex had just snapped. Snapped and lost control. But he hadn't expected his dad to go away forever. And he really hadn't expected to still feel kind of guilty about it. Because he did believe that his father had gotten what he deserved. It was just messed up that Alex had to be the architect of it all.

April had held his hand and let him get through the whole thing. And in the next session, when April explained that she was still haunted by the mistake that had cost her her job all those years ago right after the merger, Alex let her cry into his chest as he held her close. She said sometimes the guilt felt like a weight she would never be free of. Different than from the loss of any other patient. Because it all could have been avoided, except for her mistake. The tiny mistake that led to the death of Cathy Becker. Alex knew she took that whole thing hard, and it was a pretty big deal, but he never knew just how deep the hurt really ran. To the point where she'd question whether she even deserved the good stuff she had in life and at work. To the point where she actually wondered whether she was as bad as a murderer. Negligent homicide maybe? April had looked it up. He'd always figured she'd understood just how chaotic and unorganized the hospital had been back then with the merger mess, Residents running around, scrambling in competition for patients with little to no supervision at all. It was crap back then. That disarray was as much to blame for that patient's death as anything else.

Offering a box of tissues, Wyatt had made them both understand that they didn't need to let anyone particular choice define the entirety of their lives. Actually, Alex kind of thought Wyatt wasn't that bad. She called him on his bullshit, and never let him sulk and she called April on her crap too. Alex didn't feel like he was the 'problem' or the only one of them with issues. And then she'd spout stuff that actually made sense, and sometimes it made him feel a little better, even if he couldn't quite explain why.

And so the sessions and the months went by. And through it all, Adam kept Alex grounded. The little guy made him happier than he could ever remember being.

In June, April went back to work, and they both nervously left him in daycare for the first time, afraid about leaving him in the care of someone else. Of course the anxiety was unfounded and Adam did great, charming the staff with his good natured personality. The guilt of being working parents receded somewhat and they all settled into a new normal.

In August, Adam started laughing at stuff, and Alex delighted in making his son chuckle and drool at just about anything. He wasn't exactly sophisticated in his sense of humor. He'd laugh at anything, from peek-a-boo to winks to ripping paper. Pretty much if you said something in a funny enough voice, the belly laughs would roll on. The house was suddenly a laugh factory.

In September, April conned Alex into this "Early Art Education for Babies" thing at the Seattle Art Museum. Really it was just a bunch of crap, where they had the parents walk around the museum with babies strapped to their chests, and letting the little guys touch certain sculptures and look at the colors and whatever. Adam feel asleep before they even walked around, so it ended up being more just the two of them poking around the galleries. But it had actually been pretty fun, and the food wasn't bad. Alex had held April's hand and they'd had a good time.

October and Halloween came up quicker than Alex had ever imagined it would, and before he knew it Alex was joining the ranks of parents everywhere who took a kid way to young to actually eat candy out to trick or treat. Adam went dressed as a little farmer, decked out in a red flannel shirt, overalls, and a soft straw hat made of felt that April had made for him. A small stuffed pig that Alex affectionately called Swine Lou completed the little outfit. Everyone thought it was adorable. And Alex got to eat the candy, promising to reimburse Adam when he got a few more teeth. April had only scolded him a little, as she watched him sort the small haul on the kitchen table. Then, she surprised him by pulling out one of her little notebooks and scribbling something in the back pages and promising Adam she'd hold Daddy to his word. Alex smirked and kissed her.

Turned out, a lot of the therapy crap kind of helped, although some weeks it still felt like a chore to Alex. Granted, Wyatt said they were nowhere near being finished, and Alex still thought that a lot of it was mumbo jumbo. But he couldn't deny that he and April felt much more connected and whatever. And they had made a lot more progress. Things were definitely better and Alex felt like they were more ready to get married than they ever had been. Certainly better than a year ago.

Alex felt like he'd turned over a knew leaf, and that for the first time ever, his past wasn't going to bite him in the ass.

* * *

April frowned as she looked down at the chart in front of her. She pursed her lips to one side and tapped her fingers on the edge of the binder. Sniffing she checked her watch. 11 am. Fifteen minutes. Blinking April stretched her neck and tried in vain to focus on what was in front of her. Mere inches away Cristina Yang worked on her own chart, watching closely.

"Kepner, just go check on him already," the cardio attending finally blurted, making April jump.

"W-What?"

After successfully completing her fellowship at Stanford Cristina had been back in Seattle for two and a half months, and April still wasn't all the way used to her presence. Not that she wasn't happy to have Yang around again. Sort of. Well, Mer and Alex were bound to be more excited than April after all. Hunt even more so than them. April was glad Cristina was back, she just...didn't always know where she stood with her.

"Little Spawn. I know about the freakin' field trip to the park they're dragging the brats on today, and I know it's Adam's first stupid one and I know you are wigging out about it. You still have time before they walk over," Yang said sharply gesturing toward the elevator with her pen. "Take your break now and save us from your sad Mommy eyes."

April blinked and stammered, "Uh, I-I...how did you...?"

"You are not exactly subtle April," Cristina said, dotting the last 'T' in her chart and slamming it shut as she stepped back from the counter. "Plus, even though you guys didn't go with me, I am still like the mac-premo godmother of two little kids up there. I'm in the know. Just go. Do what you have to."

Knowing that the other woman's words were true, April didn't need any more persuasion She was up the elevator and limping through the daycare doors in no time. She didn't know why she was worried about the little trip. Really the day care staff would be walking the children two blocks from the hospital to a park to feed the ducks. It shouldn't really feel like that big of a deal. But everything that had to do with her 6 month old son seemed like a big deal to April.

When she entered the room, one of the daycare staff looked up and greeted her in surprise, "Oh. Hello Dr. Kepner!"

Wincing sheepishly April shrugged, "Hi...I just...had a moment and I thought I'd-I'm sorry...I just wanted to..."

"Check on your boy before we head out?" the woman said sympathetically. "Not a problem. He's back in the infants room with the strollers. You are welcome to head back there."

April nodded gratefully and moved back toward the baby room, walking past the older toddlers. The bigger kids were already lining up, and getting bundled up for the chilly November weather. She spotted Sofia and Zola and smiled when they looked up and greeted her.

"Aprol!" Zola grinned waving excitedly.

The more soft spoken Sofia asked excitedly, "Are you coming to feed the duckies?"

Both girls had haphazardly buttoned and zipped their own winter clothing, in advance of being checked by the staff, with mixed results. Sofia's buttons weren't lined up, and her hat stat on her head sideways. The fingers of Zola's gloves were all messed up; the empty spaces for thumbs facing the side by her pinkies.

"No I am just going to tell Adam bye-bye," April explained as she quickly leaned down and rebuttoned Sofia's coat.

"Oh. Is him scared?" Zola said bouncing up and down excitedly.

Adjusting Sofia's scarf and hat and turning to Zola, April quickly slid all her fingers into the appropriate spaces of her gloves. She sighed in response and laughed, "No. I don't think he is scared. I might be a little."

"Why?" Sofia whispered.

April shrugged, "Sometimes Mommy's just get scared."

"Nah uh! Not my Mommy!" Zola said confidently. Sofia seemed to share the same sentiment as she crossed her arms and nodded firmly. They'd be surprised.

"Maybe it's just me," April added as she walked back toward the infant room. "Have fun girls."

The baby room was more organized than the toddler room, in that all the babies were already properly bundled and settled into a series of triplet strollers,. The staff members were carefully checking each baby's buckles. It didn't take long to spot Adam though, in the middle spot of the closest stroller, between two baby girls, wearing a green knitted hat from her mother. He kicked his little feet up and down excitedly when he saw her come into the room, face lighting up with recognition of his mother.

"Duuude!" Adam squealed, drooling down his chin.

April laughed and shook her head in chagrin. Currently Adam had one word. April had secretly hoped that it would be Mama, and Alex had bet the peds nurses that it would be Dada. In the end they had both been wrong. His word was Dude. For everything and everybody. April blamed Alex when she was teasing him, but honesty it was kind of hilarious.

"Hello handsome," April said, playing with one of his kicking feet. Seeing him all bundled up and ready to go in the stroller made her feel instantly more relaxed. The daycare staff was experienced with these kinds of outings, and she really had no reason to feel anxious.

The other babies in the triplet stroller regarded her curiously and smiling at them both, April spoke sweetly, "Are you and all your friends going to the park? You guys are gonna have such a good time."

And now Mom isn't going to have a heart attack worrying about you. Mild heart palpitations? Probably, yes. But at least she could rest easy knowing he wasn't sad or scared or anything. After seeing Adam was okay, April knew she could concentrate. Still, as far as she knew, Alex never needed to make little visits like this just to keep his mind on his job.

"Dududududu."

"Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma," April corrected happily. She kissed his feet and his forehead taking the opportunity to get in a little snuggle.

Even though April felt a little silly about being one of those clingy kind of Mom's, impromptu visits like this when she had free time made her feel more involved with Adam's life in daycare. She figured there couldn't be too much wrong with that. The moment however, along with April's break was over all too soon.

April's pager went off and she quickly made her way back down to the pit. Three car accident on Denny way. Casualties heading to the ER. When she arrived on the first floor, her trauma 5th year, Dr. Olant, was already preparing the charts with the vitals of their first two incoming patients.

"What have we got?" April asked as they made their way to the waiting ambulance bay.

"Woman in her mid-sixties, got sandwiched between two cars, accordion style," Olant said briskly. "Steering wheel to the gut. Likely internal trauma. I've already paged a general consult. She likely needs a neuro exam too so I paged them. Last check she was conscious and talking."

"Good job," April said approvingly, as the paramedics threw open the doors of the ambulance. "And the next one out?"

"Next incoming is her grandson," Olant read quickly from his chart. "Approximately two years old. Broken bones, and potential for abdominal issues too. He was partially ejected from his car seat and the medics say there are some deep lacerations on his head. Peds is aware of the situation and they are standing and ready for him once we get him stabilized. Neuro will work with them at that point."

That didn't sound good. It was going to be one of those days, April sighed, "Okay, nice work. How about you take Grandma here, and I'll get him."

"Solo?" Olant asked excitedly, eyes gleaming with that excitement that only came in fifth year.

"Under the supervision of the general or the neuro consult," April tempered. "But yes. I think you can handle it."

That and she didn't want him to work on the kid. Olant was a good surgeon, but he was a lot like she had been as a resident. A little fragile and over invested. He wasn't ready. He didn't have the coping skills to deal, if this boy died. Not that April the attending was much better, but she had dealt with children dying before.

Cases with children always held special importance to April now that she was a mother. She couldn't imagine how she would feel if something happened to Adam, and vowed to do everything she could for the any child that came through her ER. As a mother, April would want nothing less for her own child, and she only hoped her actions would prove successful today. It was always hard for her to death with death as a surgeon, but children were especially hard. And going home to her own happy smiling baby at the end of the day only proved to make it harder. Today, April hoped that she could save this baby, and he'd live another day to smile and laugh at his own family again.

Soon the agitated grandmother was rolled out of her ambulance just as the second emergency vehicle screeched into the driveway.

"What's happening?" the woman wailed in confusion. "Where's my grandson? What's going on?"

As Olant quickly took her vital statistics, April grabbed a penlight and checked the woman's pupils, "My name is Dr. Kepner, and this is Dr. Olant. You are at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. You were in a care accident, ma'am. Your grandson is right behind you."

"I-I live in Chehalis. D-don't d-drive much in the city," the patient was clearly in shock. "It's my g-grandson's b-birthday and I was taking him to the c-children's museum and- Oh my God! Where's Kyle? What's happening? What's going on?"

Not only was she in shock, April concluded, but she did likely have some sort of head injury, given her inability to sequence events and remember conversations only moments previous. Giving a nod to Olant April replied, "You were in an accident. your grandson is being brought in as we speak. Do you think you can tell me your name?"

Shaking badly, the woman swallowed and answered, "Robbie. R-Robbie Stevens. What-what's going on with Kyle? Is he? Oh, God is he?"

"Okay, Mrs. Stevens," April explained. "Dr. Olant is going to take you in now and get you looked over. I know it hurts and it's very confusing but try to stay calm. Kyle is hurt, but he is here, and we're going to our best with him. Dr. Olant is going to take care of you, and I'll take good care of your grandson, I promise."

The words seemed to relax Mrs. Stevens somewhat, and Olant and the paramedics quickly wheeled her gurney into the ER, leaving April with the second set of EMT's and one tiny patient. Moving quickly, April began noting all of his injuries. Broken arm, likely broken pelvis. Distended abdomen. Bowl cut blond hair matted with blood. Poor little thing was in rough shape. April had to climb onto his gurney, and ride it in as the paramedics rushed him into the ER. His condition was far less stable than his grandmother's. He was intubated and midway through her exam, April was greeted by a pair of terrified brown eyes.

"Hi Kyle," April said, keeping her voice as calm and comforting as possible, and holding on to one of his tiny hands. "Don't try to talk. It's okay. You are in the hospital. I'm Dr...Dr. K. I am going to help you. You don't have to be scared..."

Kyle held her gaze for a few more seconds, before he shuddered and his eyes rolled back into his head. His vitals dropped and April and her team had to do emergency CPR to bring him back. After 2 shocks with the paddle's his resting heart rate was back. Sighing, April read his vitals again. This was going to be a tough case. But now she'd looked him in the eyes. April had gotten invested. And she really didn't want to lose.

"Book an OR, now! I don't care who you have to bump."

 


	11. Chapter 11

Meredith strode out of the elevator, quickly making her way to the pit in response to an emergency page. Car crash consult. Dr. Bailey appeared at her side, coming from another direction, and falling into step with Meredith's pace.

"You get called in on this too?" the small woman asked matter of factly. "What was it? Three car pile up?"

"Yep," Meredith replied. "I'd guess the ice we had this morning my be the culprit."

She steeled herself, and took a deep breath as they passed through the automatic doors and into the chaotic ER. It always amazed her how different this part of the hospital felt. Since completing her residency and neuro fellowship, Meredith had had less and less need to spend as significant amounts of time down here as she had before. Now, she only went down for emergency consults, and spent most of her time in the OR or upstairs in the Neurology Department. Where it was quiet and orderly. Where most of her procedures were preplanned, and not gruesome. Meredith had no idea how Kepner and Hunt could handle the pace and the crazy day in and out.

"Dr. Grey? Dr. Bailey?" Ian Olant, one of the fifth year residents beckoned them to the nurses station and handing them each a chart.

Meredith didn't know him all that well, because he mostly stuck to trauma and ortho rotations, but the few times she had worked with him Olant had proved to be skilled and thorough. He was April's project. They all kind of had 'pet' residents of their own now, which was weird because it seemed as though only a second had passed since they were in the same position themselves. Alex may complain and scream at Dr. Lacey all the time, but he also hardly ever let her go on someone else's service. Meredith preferred to work with her own neuro resident, Dr. Rooney, if given the choice. And Cristina, who'd only been back in Seattle for a matter of months, almost always requested to work with 'Six', otherwise known as Gina Chi. It's just how things went.

"What have we got?" Bailey asked urgently, flipping open the chart and following Olant to a curtained off bed.

"Car accident, some abdominal injuries, and possible head injury," the young surgeon said eagerly. "Patient came in with her grandson. She is female in her mid-sixt-"

"M-mid-sixties?!" an indignant voice came from the bed. "Mid-sixties! There's no w-way I look that old..."

The flustered and confused comment would have been funny, except for the flicker of recognition that Meredith saw cross Dr. Bailey's face. Bailey's jaw hung slightly open, and Meredith's eyes darted back and forth between her old mentor and the woman on the bed. She also felt an odd sense of familiarity from the woman before them, but she couldn't quite put her finger on why.

"I...I know you..." the patient said in confusion, eyeing Dr. Bailey and reaching a shaking hand up to the gash on the side of her head.

"Uh," Bailey fumbled for a moment, before pulling her professional face on and locking in. "That you do, Mrs. Stevens, and I am going to take care of you today, can you tell me what happened?"

Now it was Meredith's turn to stare in shock. Mrs. Stevens. Oh God. Robbie Stevens. She recognized the face now. Izzie's mom. She'd seen a few pictures here and there back in the old days when Izzie lived in her house and George was alive and everything was different. She'd even spoken with her on the phone a few times. Meredith hadn't heard from Izzie in a long time, and seeing her mother in a Seattle hospital was more than a little surprising.

Robbie Stevens, squinted in thought, panic rising in her features as she seemed to remember what happened, "It's a car accident. We...driving in the city. Seattle has so many cars...we-we got hit. And Kyle...oh my God Kyle!"

Her eyes widened and she sat up straight in her bed, clamoring to get up. Dr. Olant and the nurses held her down.

Meredith shook herself a little, reaching for the penlight in her pocket. She began carefully checking Robbie's eyes. Kyle? Must be the grandson. Grandson. The concept gave her and uneasy sort of feeling. Because Izzie was an only child, and so this had to be her boy. And Meredith knew enough about the side effects of Izzie's chemo treatments to know that having a biological child of her own after the fact was unlikely. Alex had been married to her at the time, and they'd frozen embryos before the damaging treatment. After the divorce, Meredith had no idea what had become of them. Alex never talked about it. And now, it just made Meredith wonder.

Calmly, Dr. Bailey grabbed Robbie's hand, and began doing a quick examination of the woman's midsection, "Don't worry about him right now. I'm sure he is in good hands."

"H-he was...with that gimpy surgeon," the woman said, dazedly, eyes darting around as Meredith shined the light on them.

Bailey gave Meredith a pointed look, and reassured Robbie, "Dr. Kepner is very good. I'm sure she is doing everything she can..."

Oh dear. The uneasy feeling in the pit of Meredith's stomach grew even more. April would be the one surgeon at the hospital who would end up with this particular patient. And with the concerns she was beginning to have about this whole thing, April treating Kyle, the grandson of Robbie Stevens, added yet another layer of complication over what Meredith was certain was already going to turn out to be an incredibly complicated situation.

Of course, Meredith had a patient to care for. No time to dwell on any of that now. She continued her thorough exam, working to determine the extent of the older woman's head injury. Luckily, even though Robbie was clearly concussed and confused, her pupil responses matched which didn't indicate that she was suffering from a brain bleed. Still, it was a good idea to be sure.

Meredith gestured to a nearby intern, "I don't think she has a brain bleed. Get her prepped for a CT scan."

Bailey chimed in, "And a chest and abdominal scan as well."

The intern quickly darted off leaving them alone with the patient and Dr. Olant. Bailey looked on sympathetically, holding the woman's hand, "We'll get your scans finished soon, and then we'll work on fixing you up. I can try to get some updates on your grandson as well..."

Meredith nodded, and let her eyes drift to the other side of the ER, where a commotion was underway, surrounding another curtained off bed. Alarms and beepers were going off, and she could see April clamored up on the bed, giving a tiny boy's chest electric shocks with ER paddles. Damn. The child looked bad. Calculating quickly Meredith knew what she had to do.

Reaching her hand out and pulling the curtain further around Mrs. Stevens bed, to obscure her view, Meredith gestured for Dr. Olant to come on the other side with her.

"Yes Ma'am?" he asked politely.

"I assume Dr. Kepner had you page for a peds consult on the grandson, yes?"

"I didn't need her to tell...um, yes. A pediatric consult should be on it's way," Olant nodded, glancing over to Kyle Stevens still chaotic bed area looking puzzled.

"Who did you page?"

"Uh, just a general call to pediatrics Dr. Grey," the young resident shrugged. "Who ever isn't in surgery and can come help..."

Meredith nodded briskly and glanced back at the curtained off patient behind them, "Okay. Have you contacted next of kin? The child's mother?"

"That is very next on my list, Dr. Grey."

She nodded, "Good. Do that. I'm going to go see what I can find out about peds. I need you to page me as soon as Mrs. Stevens CT comes back. Can you do that?"

Dr. Olant nodded slowly, and tilting his head to one side, "Are you the neuro consult for both cases Ma'am? I thought there would be two separate-"

Meredith shook her head. The resident was too smart and too nosy for his own good. Derek would be coming down to check over Kyle Stevens the minute Kepner had the boy stable enough for a neuro exam. If she could get him there. Or, if his other injuries were too life threatening, that would mean surgery first, and brain check ups later. It really all depended.

The real reason she wanted to find out who was doing the pediatric consult on this case was not to coordinate care plans between neuro and peds. Meredith's real and growing concern was that Alex would be the surgeon to come down from peds.

She was beginning to have serious suspicions about the identity of Robbie Stevens grandson. Alex could well be his father, and even if he wasn't, the fact that the child was likely Izzie's was also reason enough for Alex to stay off the case. No matter how you looked at it, he was much to close. No way Meredith would let him operate.

Meredith put on a stern glare and demanded, "Just do what I ask."

"Yes, Ma'am," Olant mumbled quickly, seeming stung by the sharpness of her tone.

Unable to spare a moment or a care for the crest fallen resident, Meredith quickly headed away from the bed toward the elevators. She needed to head off Alex as soon as possible. She hovered around the elevators for only a few minutes before the doors opened and Alex burst out, with his resident Dr. Lacey only a few steps behind.

"Alex-" Meredith said, holding a hand up to his chest.

"Not now, Mer. We've got a consult on a car crash kid..."

"Well, I really think you should let Dr. Lacey have a chance to go solo on a consult," Meredith replied quickly, blocking Alex's path and his view to the ER.

Lacey's eyes lit up and the young resident squared her shoulders, "M-Me?"

Meredith knew that Kyle's case was serious, and she didn't want to deprive him of top notch care, but Dr. Lacey was a very good resident, and there were a number of other peds attendings who could be called upon to assist if this was out of her depth.

"Yes, you," Meredith said with as much confidence as she could muster given her growing apprehension. "I think it's a good opportunity to show your talents."

Dr. Lacey grinned and looked to Alex with excitement, "Can I?"

Alex ignored his resident and glared at Meredith in confusion, "Where the hell do you get off telling me what my residents are capable of-"

"Dr. Lacey will page Dr. Robbins if the situation becomes more than she can handle," Meredith said firmly, giving the young resident a pointed look.

Eagerly Dr. Lacey turned to Alex, "I promise I will. I can do it Dr. Karev. I know I can."

Alex scowled and crossed his arms across his chest with his jaw set, glaring at Meredith.

Grabbing his arm and looking him seriously in the eye, she spoke evenly, "Trust me, Alex."

Those words, to Meredith's relief, seemed to be enough for her moody friend, because after a moment he gave a nod of approval to Dr. Lacey. As she bounded off to the ER, Alex turned his attention back to Meredith, allowing her to guide him into a secluded hallway, just beyond the family waiting area. His expression was still irritated.

"This better be freakin' good, Meredith," Alex snarled. "I don't need you or anyone else telling me how to handle my own god damn residents-"

"Alex, I..." Meredith interrupted, not entirely certain where to begin. She knew Izzie Stevens and Alex's first marriage were topics he hated to discuss. "Alex, there is a woman in the ER who...it's Robbie Stevens. Izzie's mother."

Crossing his arms and looking down his nose, Alex shrugged in response, "Whatever...it's not like I ever had a beef with her or something. And she's obviously not the patient I was paged for, and I am perfectly capable staying professional."

Meredith winced and looked at her feet, "Alex..."

There was just no nice or easy way to explain her gut feelings of unease. Alex looked even more royally pissed off, as the silence lengthened, so Meredith finally continued, "You can't operate on that consult. You can't operate...because the patient is Robbie Stevens's grandson."

Alex blinked.

He stood still for a minute, still scowling, as though he was really trying to process the ramifications of Meredith's statement. He opened his mouth, sucked in a shaky breath, and closed his mouth again. He raised a hand to his chin and made to speak again, only to shut his jaw once more.

Finally her friend sputtered, "You mean...her biological grandson?"

Meredith nodded, "As far as I know."

"Like her...blood, DNA grandkid?"

"Yes," Meredith nodded. "It seems that way."

"So..." Alex trailed off, eyes wide.

"So...he's probably Izzie's son," she reasoned. "Since...I mean, she didn't exactly have brothers and sisters."

Alex still seemed too stunned to process, and shook his head in agreement, "Yeah, it was just her. Wow...Izzie has a kid...holy crap."

"I...I don't mean to pry, Alex," Meredith began tentatively. "But...in the divorce...I...what exactly happened with the, um...with the embryos?"

Jerking out of his stunned haze, Alex turned to gape at Meredith as though this possibility, which was the one she herself had the most concern about, hadn't yet crossed his mind.

"She-they're still frozen...I thought...she-she wouldn't!"

Meredith just shrugged. She didn't know. Izzie had done a lot of things in the wake of her cancer and George's death that surprised Meredith. And she hadn't really kept in touch, their contact tapering off over the years, so she really had absolutely no idea at all what her old friend would and would not do.

"Could she have?"

"I-" Alex shook his head in a daze. "She sent me the divorce papers in the freakin' mail. She...I just wanted to get it over with. Give her what she wanted and whatever..."

"What did the papers say about the embryos?" Meredith pressed.

Lifting his hands to his head, Alex shook his head in disbelief, "Custody went to Iz...usually they go to the...the mother, anyway. Guys don't usually contest in court. I just...I...I can't believe she freakin' used one with out even telling me! How the hell could she just-"

Alex was angrily making his way out of the waiting area, no doubt wanting to go to the ER to talk to Izzie's mother, but Meredith held up her hands, "Look, we don't actually know if this boy is on of the embryos or not..."

"But its her kid, so it is a big freakin' possibility!" Alex said, before swearing violently, and throwing a nearby cart down the hallway. It's contents crashed out onto the tide floor, earning them some startled looks from the nurses at the end of the hall. "Shit!"

"He could be adopted?" Meredith suggested plaintively, stepping back from his outburst and not really quite believing that possibility. "Or...maybe she used a different donor?"

Alex started to pace, "Iz's cancer treatment was really aggressive, Mer."

"Yeah," Meredith replied glumly, understanding the full implications of Alex's statement.

She knew just how damaging that level of radiation therapy could be. The chances of getting pregnant with your own eggs and a donor after the fact were very slim.

Whatever eggs hadn't been harvested and used before the treatment were basically infertile now. And as far as Meredith knew, the only healthy ova that had been removed before Izzie got her chemo were those that had ended up as frozen embryos. With Alex. If the other woman wanted to have a biological child, those embryos would be her best option.

"How...how bad is he? The kid?" Alex asked suddenly, using two fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose. "The page was...for a car crash right? How old is he? Is he really hurt?"

"I didn't  _actually_  see him," Meredith answered. "Or his chart. Mrs. Stevens has some pretty intense injuries...and...it looked like April was working pretty hard to keep the boy alive actually."

"Damn it!" A pained expression flickered across her friends face. "Crap."

Meredith leaned against the hallway wall and let Alex pace, uncertain of how to really comfort him.

"Does April...I mean, does she know who he might be?"

"No," Meredith shook her head.

Kepner hadn't really been around for the downfall of Alex and Izzie's marriage. She'd been fired so quickly after the merger, and after she came back, the divorce was already a done deal. Meredith wasn't sure if the the women had even met more than once or twice. Sure, April had to know a little bit more about it, because of Alex, but she also had a feeling his first marriage wasn't something Alex talked about much.

Meredith was certain, with a sinking sort of feeling that April had no reason at all to suspect anything about the patients connection to her fiance. "I don't think she knows...I mean, Stevens is a common enough last name."

Alex laughed humorlessly and slumped his shoulders forward, "Shit."

After a few moments, Dr. Olant came striding up the hallway, breathlessly stating, "Oh, Dr. Grey! Here you are!"

The young resident stopped short, shrinking under the rage and pain filled glare he received from Alex and dismayed by the mess off the over turned cart. He looked at Meredith with a confused look on his face, and she quickly waved things off. She had no intention of explaining anything to a random 5th year.

"What have you got for me, Olant?" she demanded curtly.

"Uh...Mrs. Stevens' CT came back clean and she is ready for surgery. But Bailey says you should observe just in case. You can join us in OR 1," he replied, observing Alex closely out of the corner of his eye. "And I have made contact with the daughter. She is en route from Tacoma..."

Meredith watched Alex's jaw tighten. Izzie was coming back to Seattle Grace.

* * *

April bit her lip behind the veil of her surgical mask, staring at the ceiling and going ever every single possibility in her mind. The persistent beep of all his monitors droned away in her ears, and April shifted against the stiffness in her bad knee. Her gloved hands rested inside the small body of a little boy. Her hands currently were the only things keeping said little boy from bleeding out.

At this moment in time, they were the only thing keeping Kyle Stevens alive.

Think. Think. Think.

This was the reason April didn't specialize in pediatrics, even though she liked the rotation as a resident. The stakes were just too high and the patients were too small.

On the other side of the table, Dr. Lacey's wide eyes expression of panic didn't provide April with any great ideas for what to do next. She still didn't know why Alex had sent the other resident on the consult instead of coming himself. Lacey was good, but still pretty green.

"Do you think we should page Dr. Robbins?" the young resident nervously inquired.

Beside her Dr. Webber, who'd come in as the general surgery consult, lifted his gaze to April, "What do you think Kepner? You're the lead on this surgery."

"Uh," April stammered. Webber might not be Chief anymore, but he still carried a lot of authority in the eyes of the staff, and it was unnerving for April to have him actually deferring to her judgement in a procedure. Even if she was the lead on the case.

She swallowed, listening to the incessant monitors again, and shaking her head. Calling Robbins probably wasn't going to make much difference. Arizona wouldn't be able to tell them anything they didn't already know.

Think. Think. Think.

After restarting his heart they'd gotten the boy in the operating room, and repaired his fractured arm and pelvis. That part of things had done relatively well. Things had only gotten tricky when it came to bleeding. April had already fixed the child's nicked liver, but the impact and the sharp edges of broken bones had created a massive bleed.

There was a bad rupture in the blood vessels, and without a repair, Kyle was in grave danger of bleeding out. Add to that, they had no visualization to do a repair at all, so any small mistake during the procedure could result in the patient bleeding out anyway. It was a like horrible Catch 22. With a blindfold.

"Uh," April repeated as Webber and Lacey looked at her expectantly. "I don't think we need to page Dr. Robbins. There isn't really any new insight to offer, and we already have too many hands on this."

That was another part of the problem. Kyle's body was too small. Because he was only two, and two year old bodies are not meant to be broken and cracked open under the bright lights of an OR. Only so many doctors could work at one time.

Lacey's eyes darted around, "So...what are we going to...I mean, what do we do? What else is there to try?"

April swallowed hard again, and watched Dr. Webber closely. He'd been practicing medicine a hell of a lot longer than she had. His expression remained somber, and he spoke sadly, "We might have let this one go, and call it Dr. Kepner. His body has been through at lot of stress already. He's lost a tremendous amount of blood. Our options are very limited and the odds of success are even lower."

Gasping, April's lower lip quivered, and her body became tense. She knew the odds. She knew the options. And everything Richard had just said was absolutely true. She glanced back down at the tiny body in front of her, still taking great care not to move her hands even one centimeter inside Kyle's chest cavity. She knew it was almost a lost cause.

And yet...and yet, there it was. Almost.

April could feel a persistent pulse with her fingers. Kyle Stevens heart was still going strong. And it was remarkably steady considering everything that had happened. Since his coding and resuscitation in the ER, that heart had never faltered. The only problem was that the blood it was pumping through the child's body was hemorrhaging out of a rupture. It just didn't seem fair.

His heart wasn't ready to die, so April wasn't ready to let him go.

Think. Think. Think.

It was clear that a decision had to be made. April knew that she couldn't just keep standing there staunching the blood flow. She took a deep breath. What was visualization worth anyway? A lot of times surgeries were conducted with little to no visualizations at all. Hunt had had April study a lot of field trauma, and in emergencies and military situations overseas surgeons made the call to act without visualization all the time.  _All_  the time.

Granted not on children typically, but whatever. Success was possible.

And what did they have to lose by trying? Kyle would die if they did nothing, and if April tried to do the repair blind then there was a small chance he would survive.

At the very least, the blood vessel repair didn't have to be  _perfect_. It didn't have to be the final patch. Really, all April needed to do was to get the bleeding to stop, or at least slow down, without causing any more blood loss. Once that was stable, any number of other procedures could happen.

Yes, she could formulate a plan now. April could see how it would work. She'd going in blind, to stop the massive bleeding. If, and it was a big if, but if she could do that and the bleeding did slow, then April could continue doing a more permanent repair. It would take time, and it was incredibly dangerous. Kyle had already had half his blood volume replaced.

She knew she supposed to stay detached, but her mind drifted to the woman she'd met coming off the ambulance, Kyle's grandmother, and she couldn't help to think about her own mother and Adam. She had no doubt that Robbie Stevens felt as much love for this little boy as Karen Kepner did for her own son. And she could only imagine how this boy's mother and father felt right now, facing the prospect of losing a child. Agony.

If it was Adam, April knew what she would want.

Straightening her shoulders, "We  _have_  to say we tried everything. We have to be able to tell his family we did absolutely everything we could. Suction, please."

"So..." Dr. Lacey asked, complying with the demand. "What are we going to do? I...we can't see anything! Suction doesn't make a difference, he's bleeding too fast. How will we know how big the rupture is or what shape of repair we need to-"

April stopped herself for snapping at the young resident. The rupture was obviously big. So big that exact measurements no longer mattered. It was simply too big.

"I can feel the contours of the rupture with my left hand," she replied instead, focusing closely on exactly everything she could feel by the blood vessels beneath her fingers. "We can make a reasonable estimate based upon that until we get the bleeding to slow."

As she proceeded with the next step of her plan, Webber watched closely, with narrowed and unreadable eyes. Calculating. Measuring her. April sighed.

He probably didn't agree with her. He probably thought that this was a bad call, and that she was a terrible attending. This decision was going to have consequences. He'd maybe go to Hunt. His word pulled weight. Once, Richard's potential disappointment would have paralyzed April, but in the moment she realized, that she no longer cared as much.

April did desire Webber's respect, but now she wasn't willing to bend over backwards to earn it. Nor was she willing to compromise her patient. This was Kyle Stevens best chance at surviving.

Dr. Lacey handed April the next instrument, and the trauma surgeon paused and shifted her weight more heavily on her good leg. Mistakes were not an option, but April thought she could do it. She thought she could save this little boy, and she knew she had to try.

It was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

Alex almost didn't recognize her when she came through the automatic doors of the Seattle Grace Mercy West lobby. She'd done something to her hair or whatever. Different hair cut. Different color. Darker maybe. And she walked different too. More assured. Purposeful. Deliberate.

Then again, he supposed it made sense that she would be walking urgently. Her family being in the hospital and all.

From his distance in the lobby, Alex watched as Izzie immediately walked up to a nurses station, speaking sharply. He slowly pulled himself up from his seat, crossing his arms and tilting his head to one side. Meredith had gone with Goody-two-shoes-Olant, and Bailey into the OR to work on Robbie. She'd thought it was a bad idea for Alex to wait for Iz, but he was sure as hell going to be there.

So, she'd coaxed Cristina into being his freakin' chaperone, until her next scheduled procedure. When he stood up, she did too, and he glanced over at her irritably.

"I don't need a freaking babysitter," Alex mumbled as he began walking in Izzie's direction.

"I was thinking more like a referee," Yang said causally, though Alex could see a tightness at the corner of her cheeks that revealed something less calm. It made sense, he supposed. Izzie had been a huge part of everyone's lives, not just his. Other people had been hurt by her leaving.

"You really think I am gonna hit her or something? I don't do that," Alex reasoned as they approached the nurses station. "Her mom and her...kid were in a freaking car accident!"

"A kid you have reason to believe she's been hiding from you his whole life..." Cristina mumbled.

Alex glared,"I'm royally pissed but I am not that much of a jerk."

"I don't have time for this," Cristina mumbled. "Everything was so nice and drama free at Stanford."

Grinning half heartedly at his friend's attempt to lighten the moment, Alex teased back, "And yet you keep coming back..."

Cristina didn't get a chance to reply because at that exact moment, Izzie's eyes darted to her left and her posture slumped when she recognized Alex and Cristina. Her eyes met his briefly, and Alex gulped. It was a strange thing, seeing Iz again. Very surreal. It made him think of crap that hadn't crossed his mind in years.

Random little things. Bears. Cupcakes. LVAD wires. DNR orders. Laughter. Notes is his locker. Tears. Crap.

"Look," Izzie said suddenly, looking at her feet and avoiding eye contact. "I just need to find out-"

"Your mother and your son are both currently being treated for their injuries," Cristina said, voice as crisp and professional as if this were an ordinary patient family, and not...Well, not Izzie.

"They're both in surgery," Alex added, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Izzie visibly relaxed a little when she seemed to realize that her old friends really were going to update her on her family though understandably, she still looked distraught. Twitchy even. Like she was about to cry.

As mad as Alex was at the whole situation and all the emotions Iz brought up, he was surprised at how bad he felt. It would be easier if he could just be mad and stay mad. But Izzie was Izzie, and it totally sucked that her mother and her child were hurt, and Alex couldn't help but care.

"Are...are they? How bad are they? What's going on?" Izzie lifted her hand to her forehead and started to cry. "Oh my God."

"Last check with Bailey and Mer, your mother is in fair condition, suffering from some abdominal trauma from the steering wheel along with some head trauma," Cristina relayed. "She was conscious when she came in, and will probably be in post op within the hour. "

Speaking with Izzie was weird, awkward for both Alex and Cristina. There was so much stuff left unsaid. Where did you go? Why did you freaking listen and not come back? Ever heard of picking up the phone? Did you have a kid and not tell his father? Is that kid who we think he is?

"What...what about Kyle?" Izzie pleaded, looking up at Cristina for the first time.

Alex swallowed hard.

"Your son's condition is more critical," Cristina said, in that perfect practiced tone of voice you had to have as a surgeon to give bad news. Thank God for Yang and her perfectly tuned skills. Right now, Alex didn't really trust his own voice to explain Kyle Stevens circumstances.

Things for the boy were much more complex. Lacey had been giving them sporadic updates from April's OR, but they hadn't heard anything in hours. As Izzie's demeanor further deteriorated, Cristina continued, "He is still in surgery. When they finish the procedure, we'll know more. To my understanding he had some crush injuries. Broken bones and internal bleeding."

"Oh God," Izzie breathed, unsteadily making her way over to a nearby chair. Alex and Cristina tentatively followed her, gingerly taking two seats across from where she was sitting. Once, reaching out and pulling her into his arms to comfort her would have been automatic. Freakin' instinct. Something Alex wouldn't have had to think about. And there was something still there. A spark. An urge.

But now, he couldn't reach out to her. There was a distance between them. And not just the distance between the rows of waiting room chairs. It was the distance of thousands of days. A distance of getting shot by a lunatic, and pulling through. And of surviving being trapped in a collapsed building after an earthquake. Of picking peds and staying with it. Of taking care of his mom and Aaron. Of passing boards, and completing a fellowship. Of getting to know his sister. There was a distance between them now.

A distance the size and shape of April and Adam.

Alex wasn't the same guy he'd been when Izzie had left him four years ago. He'd thought that losing his wife would break him. And in a way it had. But Alex was surprised to find that he'd survived the breaking. He'd remade himself too. He'd pulled through it all, and he liked the other side.

Cristina's pager went off and she quickly glanced down and read it carefully, before looking up to Alex, "I've got to go..."

Alex nodded and Cristina eyed him closely. Izzie was still crying quietly across from them, and he could tell that his friend was reluctant to leave him here alone with his ex.

Alex rolled his eyes, "I'll wait with her."

"You sure?"

He was getting irritated now, so he snapped, "Yes."

Cristina didn't look convinced but another loud noise emanated from her pager and she stood up again, stiffly making her way over to Izzie, leaning forward and resting a hand on the other woman's shoulder, "I'll make sure that you get updates as often as possible, okay?"

Izzie nodded gratefully and shook her head, "I-I don't know how to thank you, Cristina...I mean, I know I just...and you don't have to...you don't owe me anything and you have no reason to be-"

Cristina swallowed and the corner of her lips twitched. Izzie leaving had been a big thing for their little group of friends. First George died and then she'd left, and everyone had to readjust. She'd missed a lot, in everyone's lives. Alex felt his anger spike in his chest. It wasn't like he or Cristina would have forgotten all that crap just because of the circumstances that brought Izzie to them now.

"You never heard of email?" Cristina finally answered, as she pulled herself up and headed back to the OR levels. The lightness in her tone did not match her expression.

Izzie gulped and whipped her eyes, lifting them to meet Alex's guarded gaze. He felt a small pang of guilt. The last time, the very last time Iz had left, he had told her to go away. To take her job and not come back. Because she hurt him so much when she left and came back.

Fishing a tissue out of her purse, Izzie continued to dab at the tears on her cheeks. Alex crossed one leg and looked at the ground.

At the same time though, maybe things had worked out for the best. Izzie staying away had changed Alex, and in the long run it had given him his life with April. And Adam. And really, he couldn't ask for anything better. He loved them both more than he thought he could love anyone. It had hurt like hell at the time, but Iz leaving had allowed him to get to where he was now.

The silence stretched out between them, and only one question burned in Alex's head. It wasn't like they could just bust out with normal conversation or anything. 'How you been?' just wouldn't cut it. Still, he couldn't help but want to try to fill the silence with something. If only to keep his mind of the sick feeling he got in his stomach when he thought about the little boy in his fiancee's OR, and the pain he would feel if he was the father and Kyle didn't make it.

"So...you live in Tacoma now?" Alex ventured finally, when he could stand the quiet no longer. Lame and incredibly surface level.

Across from him, Izzie sniffed and paused before replying, "Yes...I...I work at Tacoma General. Just finished my Oncology fellowship."

Nodding, Alex pursed his lips, "Cool...cool. I can...uh, see you picking that...after everything that happened..."

"You, um...you stayed here,"she stated flatly.

"Yep. Peds."

Izzie made a noise that wasn't quite a laugh, and nodded herself.

Then the silence was back. Freaking great. Frowning deeply, Alex shifted in his seat and drummed his fingers against the plastic chair. He let his mind drift to Adam. Today had been an important day for his boy. First day out on the town on a little field trip with the other runts. He wondered how it had gone. Adam was usually a pretty easy going baby, but he had his moments of crankiness, especially when confronted with cold or unfamiliar situations and unfamiliar people.

He'd freaked out just a month before, when April's sister Libby had come up for a visit and she'd kept him at home for a day while April and Alex worked. Which had secretly cracked Alex up because he didn't always get along with his fiancee's older sister all the time himself. That aside, it had shown them that Adam responded better to new situations and people if he was introduced to them gradually. Then again, so far Adam had already formed bonds with his day care caretakers, so odds were good that the field trip had been a success.

He glanced at his watch. 4:37 pm. The trip to the park was long since finished. If today had gone according to plan, Alex would be finishing up his shift in an hour and a half, at which point he'd take Adam home and do the night time routine while April worked a double shift. Now, however, everything had shifted. Instead, Adam would be spending the evening at home with Hunt. Quality Uncle Owen time, as the older man described it when Alex had made the arrangements. Yeah, sure, whatever. He knew that by 7pm his son would be asleep, and Hunt would be sitting on his couch watching cable. Quality.

Alex, however, wouldn't be leaving the hospital until April finished her surgery on Kyle Stevens. He just  _had_  to know what happened to this kid. He felt a pull to know.

Thinking about Adam and this other kid, Kyle, Izzie's kid, made the anger rise up in his chest once again. What if this boy really was his son? One of those embryo's he'd helped create all those years ago in the painful hope that his wife would survive her freakin cancer and live to better days. She'd survived, but at the time, Alex had never thought they'd come out on the other side without each other. Funny how that worked.

And sure, Alex knew that somewhere deep in the black and white letters that filled the pages and pages of his divorce papers, there had been something about the custody of the embryos. Something about them going to Izzie. He knew he'd signed it. Because he'd felt like crap at the time, and she'd just sent the freakin' envelope in the mail and the only people who'd ever really talked face to face during the whole thing was their lawyers anyway. He'd just wanted to get it all over with. Looking back, Alex realized, maybe he should have been less willing to go along with it all. Maybe.

If Kyle was his kid; Alex almost couldn't comprehend the idea. This kid was two years old. Two whole years. Alex felt like crap. Adam wasn't even a year old yet, and already he'd been there for everything. The first ultrasound. The first time he moved. The first time he breathed. He'd paced back and forth rubbing Adam's back through his first cold. He'd been there for his first real smile. For rolling over. Blowing bubbles. Eating solid foods. Cutting teeth. Alex had been there for everything. Everything.

If Kyle was his son, he'd missed two whole years of the boy's life. And if he died, Alex would have missed his whole life.

It wasn't fair. Alex's biggest fear all along, all through April getting pregnant and all of that, was the fear that he would not be a good Dad. Because of everything that had happened to him in his life with his own father. He was freakin' afraid of that, so he worked twice as hard to be the best father he could be to Adam, and if Izzie's son was his son too, that meant that the whole time he was working hard to be a great father for Adam, he was a total dead beat for someone else. And Iz hadn't even him the chance to be there. If Kyle was his kid and had gone to any other hospital, Alex would have had no freakin' idea he even existed.

Alex was more than just pissed, he realized. What he felt was a deeper sort of rage. He was furious at Izzie.

"Just ask. I know you want to," she said abruptly pulling him from this thoughts. She was still tearful, and didn't meet his gaze. "All there is to do now is wait and I can tell you want to ask. So, go ahead, and freaking ask me. "

Alex set his jaw and lifted his eyes before responding slowly, "Is he my son?"

Even though Izzie had pushed this conversation, it was clear that she was very uncomfortable with the situation. She sighed and crossed her arms, giving Alex one firm nod that changed his life forever.

He knew it. He just freaking knew it. Kyle was his kid. Their kid. Holy crap.

Nostrils flaring in rage, Alex leaned forward, demanding in a harsh whisper, "And you were going to tell me this when?"

"Alex you signed away any rights to those specimens the moment you agreed to the divorce settlement. They belong to me and I can use them how I please."

"Specimens? Specimens? Really? What the hell, Iz?" Alex felt his blood pressure rising. He was helpless to control his anger now.

"There is no legal obligation for me to tell you anything..." Izzie answered defensively.

"Maybe you didn't have a legal obligation to tell me Iz, but what about the freaking moral obligation? I never thought you'd...I have a right to know if I have any kids out there!"

"Oh, come on, Alex," Izzie snapped. "You can't think that Kyle is the only kid out there that you don't know about. Look at the life you've lived."

"Shut up. You don't know anything."

She didn't know anything about the life Alex lived now. But, if he was honest, Alex didn't know anything about the life she lived now either. Even though he was so pissed he practically couldn't see straight, Alex could see that the woman across from him was becoming more and more distraught. Her kid, their son was in the OR. Critically wounded. And here he was, however justifiably, chewing her out for her choices. Once he would have taken the opportunity to twist the knife; to say any one extra thing that he knew would hurt her. Now Alex felt overcome with a wave of sympathy.

Kyle's life was on the line. This wasn't the time to have this discussion. Anger and resentment and whatever could come later.

Taking deep breaths to calm down, Alex lowered his voice and spoke evenly, "I don't want to fight right now. It doesn't help us and it doesn't help Kyle."

Surprised, Izzie finally looked up and held his gaze. He supposed she expected him to be nastier. Or maybe, deep down, she understood that he really did have a reason to be angry.

"Oh my God," she started to sob again. "Kyle...who is on his case? Dr. Robbins, or...anyone I know? Did you?"

"Uh...I didn't seen him, no," Alex answered gently, pausing before he spoke again to really think about his next words. "He's...if he has a shot at all he's got a good team looking out for him. I swear. One of my residents, Dr. Lacey is scrubbed in. And Webber is on general consult for the case. And...I don't know if you remember...April Kepner? She's the trauma lead working on him."

Izzie shook her head and shrugged, "I...she came over with Mercy West right? Oh, did she hang out with the pixie bitch? And she got fired...didn't she? Around the same time I did. That's the one, right?"

"Yeah..." he didn't know how to say it. "I-"

He didn't know to explain more. Alex didn't have the words. Once, he'd thought that Izzie was the one true love of his life. He'd told her as much. She made him act better. She made him want to be better. He'd wanted to spend the rest of his life with Izzie once. But that hadn't happened. And now, he knew he loved someone else. He was being better for someone else. Living a life with someone else.

"I...she's...I'm with her. April, I mean," he said finally. Maybe it was like pulling off a band aid. Quicker the better. "It's been two...almost three years."

"We...have a baby," Alex continued, grinning as he thought of his little boy. "Adam. He's upstairs."

Izzie was a little taken aback, "Wow..."

Alex shrugged, "I thought I'd tell you...cuz right now, I think secrets are giving us enough crap. We don't need anymore."

A faint smile fell across her features, "I can't argue with that."

"You don't have to worry," Alex continued awkwardly. "If you thought...April's a good doctor. It wouldn't matter anyway...but she...she doesn't know...or suspect anything about Kyle...that I could be, well that I am..."

"I guess she'll in for a surprise," Izzie quipped, pressing a tissue to the corner of her eyes once more.

Alex looked at his hands. True freakin' story. He really didn't know how April would react. He had no clue how any of this would go forward. If Kyle lived, would Iz let him see his son? Would he want that? It seemed like the right thing. Certainly what Kyle deserved. But what kind of a Dad would he be? He only knew how to be a father who was there in the house, and what if he couldn't cut it any other way? And what would April think, if she knew he wanted to? What would she say? And eventually, what would Adam think? Or Kyle?

Then again, all those possibilities hinged upon one thing. Whether or not Kyle survived. If he didn't...there was a whole other set of possibilities and Alex just couldn't think about. It was actually painful. Which was weird. This morning when he'd woken up, he was the father of one. Moments ago, he'd found out that he was actually father of two. And, it was like...a light switch. In an instant everything was changed. Alex loved Kyle. He did. And he didn't know what he'd do if he never go the chance to know him.

"Are...are you happy?" Izzie whispered.

"Yeah," Alex nodded. " I really am. Ha...I didn't think I' get there, but I am."

"I am too," she breathed, running her hands down her knees. "I mean, I was until today. I've been happy. Working. Being a mom."

A thought suddenly crossed Alex's mind. He'd moved on, why not Izzie? Maybe she hadn't allowed him to be a father for his son because someone else was already there. Not that that made any of it right.

He asked, "So, it's just you...or?"

"Just us. Me and Kyle," she replied. After a moment she looked at him again. "I just...I just wanted to start over. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted a fresh beginning, and those embryos were a way to do it. I needed something good, so I just...I did it. I thought there wasn't any harm in trying. I did the IVF and it worked. I thought...I thought about telling you. But...I don't know. Not such a fresh start when it's attached to someone else, I guess. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea. Having Kyle wasn't about...it wasn't a way to try and get back together. Then, it seemed like I waited too long. And I wanted to see if I could do it. By myself, you know?"

Alex swallowed. Well, it wasn't exactly a proper justification. Nothing was. And he had to wonder. Depending on the timing...if he'd known Iz was having his kid, before he'd realized his feelings about April. Before the earthquake. Where would he be? What would he have done?

Yet another set of possibilities Alex didn't want to think about.

Before Alex had a chance to formulate some sort of response, he caught sight of Dr. Olant striding into the waiting room. The young resident spotted them, and quickly made his way to the corner where Alex and Izzie sat across from one and other.

Izzie sprung to her feet, recognizing that he had news,"What's going on? Can you tell me something happened?"

"Ms. Stevens?" Olant said, glancing to Alex suspiciously.

"Yes!" Alex and Izzie both replied in frustration.

Shrinking back, Olant continued, "O-kay...well, I am Dr. Olant...we spoke on the phone."

"I remember," Izzie prodded impatiently.

"You son is still in the OR. But, I just wanted to let you know, that your mother's surgery went smoothly. She is going to be fine. She's in post op on level 3, and you can go sit with her if you like."

Relief washed across Izzie's race, "Oh, thank God."

Unexpectedly, she flung her arms around Dr. Olant, "Thank you. Thank you."

Olant winced and patted her back twice, "It's...it's nothing Ma'am...Just doing my job."

Alex stood by, watching the scene awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. He was glad to hear that Robbie Stevens had pulled through surgery. That was definitely a good thing. But, he couldn't help but wonder what was going on with...well, with his older son. He wanted to know if Kyle would pull through his surgery. He  _needed_  to know.

Unfortunately, right now, there wasn't anything to know. Obviously, Kyle's procedure wasn't finished, and no one had any new updates. The boy either would or wouldn't survive. And there was nothing Alex could do at this point to freakin' help.

Alex was powerless. He hated that feeling.


	12. Chapter 12

April's leg was shot. Well and truly shot.

It throbbed and ached and she regretted not bringing her cane to work. Normally, she'd have brought it with her in advance of a long arduous surgery, but then again, today a 10 hour surgery had not been in her plans. Most trauma cases didn't require a nearly half day surgery. This hadn't been an ordinary trauma at all. As she walked alongside Kyle Stevens's gurney on his way to post-op, April knew her limp was more pronounced than ever.

Not that she minded very much, because knowing that the little boy in the bed next to her had survived the procedure was more than enough to compensate for any temporary knee pain she might be feeling.

Somehow, amazingly, he'd pulled through the procedure. He was now breathing on his own like a champ, and best of all, he'd just passed a neurological exam with Dr. Shepherd. Despite his brief bout with bleeding out, April was confident that Kyle would survive, and be pretty okay. He wasn't by any means out of the woods. There was a basically certain chance of infection, given the extent of his injuries. On top of that months of rehab. Kyle would have a long road to recovery, but at least there was a road to take.

A hard recovery was a hell of a lot better than nothing. If she was Kyle's family, she'd be happy with anything, even a hard anything, over nothing.

April knew that her colleagues probably thought it was odd how much she'd invested in this little patient. She knew Webber thought that she probably shouldn't have gone to such dangerous and extraordinary measures to save this child. And she knew that Dr. Lacey still didn't fully understand how they'd even done the procedure. And she could tell by the weird looks she got from Derek and the scrub nurses that they were all probably judging her for losing her objectivity. She'd only been back on the job a few months. They probably thought that she was still an overly hormonal new mom.

And maybe she was.

When Kyle's gurney arrived in post op, April winced and took another moment to check on her small patient as the nurses settled him in. He looked impossibly tiny in the large bed. He was further dwarfed by the bulky and intimidating looking hardware they'd set up to stabilize his broken arm and pelvis. Nearby the stable beat of Kyle's heart monitor droned on. Thank goodness.

And beneath all that, and the superficial scrapes and bruises on his face, April could swear the boy looked almost peaceful. Probably the drugs. But still, she was grateful because when they brought his family in, they would not have to deal with a child writhing in pain on top of everything else. There were small blessings.

Nodding when Dr. Webber appeared in the doorway, April gathered up Kyle's chart and painstakingly limped to the elevators. Dr. Olant had informed her that Kyle's grandmother was stable and long out of surgery, and that his mother was with her. She slowly made her way to the older woman's room, keeping her head down, trying desperately to ignore the way that Webber had to slow his pace to almost a crawl to avoid getting too far ahead of her.

"Kepner," he began softly. "I can get this if you just want to head home and put that leg up..."

"No," April hissed, wincing as she moved. "It's fine!"

Webber nodded and pursed his lips, "Okay."

"I'm okay, sir. I swear," April hastened to add, belatedly realizing that she might have just sounded insubordinate. "I'm the lead surgeon anyway, and I made the decisions about Kyle, so I am the one who should answer his family's questions. I promise I'm not going to fall over or anything."

"I believe you, Dr. Kepner," he replied calmly. "I just thought I'd offer. That was a pretty long haul."

Looking at his small smile and twinkling eyes, April felt bad for being so short with him. Richard was just looking out for her.

"Thank you."

As the continued to walk, nearing Robbie Stevens room, she added, "You know, you could just go home yourself if you wanted to. I know your knees can't be feeling too much better than mine at this point, huh sir?"

"Ah, you're not far off," Webber teased, as the headed down a long hallway. "We'll both just grin and bear it."

When they rounded the doorway, April didn't quite understand the scene that played out before her eyes. She blinked a few times to make sure she was actually seeing everything correctly.

Sure, there was Robbie Stevens, looking much better than she had the first time April had seen her getting off the ambulance. And there was Dr. Bailey, checking the older woman's post op vitals. Which was unusual, but not unheard of for the short attending to do instead of an intern. Especially if it was a patient she really cared about.

And that's when things she saw stopped making sense to April. Because she was pretty sure that the woman next to Robbie Stevens bed was her fiancees ex-wife, and oh god...

Oh God!

The name suddenly flashed through her brain like a bright neon sign against a blackened sky.

Stevens. Stevens.  _Stevens._

Robbie was Izzie's mother. Which meant...which meant Kyle was Izzie's little boy.

And then of course, there was the thing she really,  _really_  couldn't believe she was seeing. Alex, slumped in a chair on the other side of the room. Alex who April had believed was at home with their son. Who was supposed to have picked Adam up from the daycare after his shift and taken him back to their house. Why instead was he here, seemingly camped out with his ex-wife?

The ex-wife who April always felt Alex still loved, on some level, deep down. She wasn't stupid. She knew he loved deeply when he let someone in. And she'd never say it to his face, but April was sure Alex would not have divorced Izzie if she had never left him that first time. If she had never sent him the divorce papers. He wouldn't have divorced her. Not to be with April, anyway. If she really thought about it, she knew that her own life and love with him was really just a lucky second choice.

April knew that all she really had was luck. She really wasn't anything special. Just an ordinary girl with a little luck.

Luck to get rehired after losing her job. Luck not to get shot by Gary Clark. Luck to survive getting crushed in an earthquake. Luck not to lose her leg. Luck to get Alex in the end. Luck to pass her boards. Luck to survive giving birth to Adam. Luck to be his mother at all.

Luck, luck, luck. Only luck, and that ran out at some point, didn't it? Maybe that point was now.

Kyle Stevens's cart listed his age as exactly two years old. He'd been hurt on his birthday. Two years old. So he was born in 2012.

There was probably more to Alex's presence in this room than April even knew. Alex might be here out of some sense of loyalty to his first wife lying long dormant within his complex heart. But she feared that he also might be here out of a more concrete obligation. A more bonded one. What if?

April's mind immediately started to whirl to the worst possible scenario. She couldn't help it. If Kyle was born in November that means he had to have been conceived in February of 2012. If that was the case, and Alex was actually in this room, waiting with his ex, there was one possible explanation.

February.

She'd still been finishing up rehab then. After the earthquake. February 2012 had been the very beginnings of their relationship. At the time, Alex had been spending time driving her to and from the hospital, and generally hanging out with her. April remembered being completely puzzled by the course of events, given their previously antagonistic relationship, though secretly hopeful for a change. February had been the month she'd kissed him on the couch in Meredith's house. The month of their first real date.

Could Alex have spent time with Izzie...like that very specific certain kind of time  _with_ Izzie, so long ago? Would he have screwed her all while leading April on? Could they have made a baby?

If yes, then there was the bigger question. Did Alex know about it?

April's struggled to calm her breathing. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She shouldn't have promised Webber not to fall over. She felt exceptionally unsteady now.

It kind of made sense. If she really thought about it. April had not been ready to have sex right away. Not with her usual insecurities magnified by the fact that her leg was held together by pins and rods, and the scars that went along with it. She knew that they'd waited a long time to sleep together relative to what Alex was used to. Hell, she knew now exactly what his sexual appetite was like. Had she waited too long back then? This was her own fault.

He could easily have satisfied his urges elsewhere. Why wait for the awkward crippled girl when he could get satisfaction elsewhere? With Izzie. He probably had.

April dragged herself out of her thoughts when she realized that all the conscious eyes in the room were now focused on her, waiting expectantly. Izzie's looked desperate. Of course. Because she was. Any mother in her situation would be overcome with worry for her child. And whoever Kyle was or wasn't, his family deserved an update on his condition. She had to be professional.

"What's happened to my son?"

April's hands shook, and she reached out to the wall next to the door for some support, knowing that she probably looked like death warmed over. Her leg already hurt, and the realization she had in the instant she'd realized who all was in the room had drained all the color from her cheeks. This was probably leading Izzie, Alex, and Bailey to think that things had not gone well in the OR. She straightened her shoulders and willed herself to stay calm. Professional.

"Hello, I'm D-Doctor, Kepner. I worked on your son's case."

Oh no, no, no. That sounded like she had laryngitis. Or too much vodka. Or both. She cleared her throat and began again.

"K-Kyle is in post op," April said, mildly impressed with her own ability to control the waver in her voice.

For Izzie though, that answer was obviously insufficient, "I...what happened to him? Why did his surgery take so long? Is he alright? When can I see him?"

"H-he was partially ejected from his car seat and sustained s-severe in-injuries, but his surgery went w-well," April fumbled. "You-He's not awake but y-you can go to him now, if you like."

Alex and Bailey shared pained expressions, and April's confidence sunk even more. Even Webber looked suddenly uncomfortable. They knew she was doing a terrible job as a physician. Doctors were supposed to help families understand what happened to their loved ones. They shouldn't be swept away by their own stupid problems. Hampered by their own emotions.

April gulped, still unable to make any real eye contact, "There's...it's going to t-take time but I...I am confident that he-can make a g-good recovery."

It was a canned answer. And the very bare bones of information she could possibly give, April knew. It answered no questions and eased no fears. But it was the best she could do in the moment.

"So," Alex ventured in a quietly concerned voice that made April's stomach churn. "He's...his brain's good and vitals and everything? Um...he's going to be okay?"

April felt anger rise up in her chest, in addition to her confusion and hurt. What the hell was going on here? And what did Alex have to do with it? And why didn't she know about any of it? But her burning desire to learn the answers to these questions were superseded by her need to be a surgeon. In this moment she had to be. April could hardly go off and randomly start yelling at Alex and demanding answers, no matter how much she wanted them.

"Y-yes," she nodded. "He will. Eventually."

"Oh thank god," Izzie's shoulders seemed to deflate with relief, and tears started to fall down her cheeks. "I don't...I'm-I can't thank you enough, Dr. Kepner."

April's breathing increased and she felt a strangely hot sensation creeping up her next. The walls of the small recovery room seemed to be closing in, and she still couldn't make eye contact with Alex. She could feel the tears and the emotions and the hurt boiling over. Every fiber of her being was screaming at her to get out.

Get out of here. Get out of this room. Go.

"That's really not necessary," April replied, ignoring the lump in her throat and taking an awkward step back, out of the doorway. " Dr. Webber c-can answer any other questions you have. Would you excuse me? I..excuse me."

She didn't wait around to hear a response. She turned, only stumbling for a moment as she bumped into a cart. Recovering quickly, she was out the door and in the hallway in no time, ignoring the now searing pain that radiated from her knee with every step and not caring how much of a limp people could see. April didn't care.

"April..." Alex's voice called plaintively after her, but she didn't stop.

She  _had_  to get out of there.

* * *

Alex cursed softly under his breath and ran a hand over his tense neck as he watched his fiancee flee the room. April knew something was up. Of course she did. He guessed that the minute she'd seen him in the room, her mind had gone off in a million directions. The fact that he was here instead of home with Adam was enough to clue her in. Unfortunately, he also figured it was pretty safe to assume that April had jumped to all the wrong conclusions.

How could she not? Secret frozen embryo kid would not be the go-to theory a person came up with when confronted with this crap.

It pained Alex to see the flashes of pain, hurt, and even anguish on April's face. Add to that he could tell by the way she moved that her leg was jacked from the unexpectedly long and involved procedure on Kyle. He was already pissed off at the situation, Izzie, and most of all himself for not reading the damn divorce papers more thoroughly. Seeing the color drain from April's face made his anger increase by two fold. He wanted to scream. Punch something.

Just when everything was getting back on track between the two of them, Alex felt like it was all falling apart. And this time, it really wasn't either of their faults. The pieces of this game had been set into motion long before their relationship had even began.

Torn, Alex watched April's figure disappear from view out the small window in Robbie Stevens room. Did he follow her in this moment? Or did he stay and find out details about his son? There seemed to be no good choice. When his feet didn't immediately carry him from the room, Alex felt like more of a douche than ever. He was a coward. A total freaking coward.

"Damn it," Alex cursed even louder, as Webber took a step toward Izzie and began to speak.

The chief, like April could probably infer a lot about the situation from the fact the Alex was even in this room. And Richard would come to a more accurate conclusion. Because he knew about all of it. The cancer and the eggs and the eggs freezing better if they were fertilized and all. He'd been there for the contribution part or whatever. Sort of.

"I don't know what the hell is going on here," the older man said carefully, tearing his eyes from April's retreating form and giving Izzie a stern but sympathetic stare. He did not allow the woman to break his gaze. "But I have a feeling I can guess enough of it. Care to enlighten me?"

Dr. Bailey pursed her lips and closed the chart she was holding and moved closer to Webber's side, tutting and looking frustrated, "Go ahead and answer, Ms. Stevens. Honesty is always the best policy."

When Alex had joined Izzie in her mother's room, she'd gotten suspicious, and somewhat to Izzie's dismay, he'd told the small woman the truth about Kyle. She was not happy, and it made Alex feel somewhat vindicated. Whatever legal rights he didn't have over his and Iz's embryos because of the divorce, Miranda Bailey didn't think it was right morally that Kyle had been kept a secret from Alex and she'd said so to Izzie's face. She thought that it was wrong. And his old mentor was the most honorable person she knew, and it felt good to have Bailey on his side.

Izzie sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of her nose, "I'm not really in the mood to do this right now. My whole family is hurt..."

"Your whole family is stable now," Bailey crossed her arms. "Or very disappointed in you. Neither condition is currently life threatening. Answer the damn question."

The corner of Alex's mouth twitched at Bailey's mention of 'family'. Now that he knew more about families, he knew that what they'd had in those early years of residency, him and Mer, Yang, O'Malley, and Iz, Bailey, and the rest; it was a family. Just like it was now, only with Jackson and April, and Robbins, Torres, Lexie, Mark and even freakin' Mara, these days. That was the hospital family. They looked out for each other and had each other's backs. Only Iz had left. It irked him that Bailey still kind of included her in the fold. Even though he did feel sympathy for her about the crash, Alex's emotions were all fiery and messed up. He didn't know what he felt.

All he knew was that April was his family. And Adam. And Mer and the rest. They acted like it.

Sighing again, Izzie glanced up and met a hard expression from Dr. Bailey and shrugged, goaded into continuing, "Kyle is my son."

"Which means he is Karev's son too," Richard concluded, looking down and shaking his head.

"Learn something knew every freakin' day," Alex said crossing his arms bitterly.

Webber looked in his direction, "And Stevens didn't tell you..."

If looks could kill, Alex thought his glare would take his ex-wife out in a heartbeat, "No. She didn't tell me squat."

"I don't have to justify my actions to any of you," Izzie's defensive flair was in full swing. "I feel bad if this makes things awkward with your girlfr-with what ever she is, and I understand that you all think I've done this horrible thing. And I get that you are mad at me for not getting in touch, but frankly right now I don't give a damn about any of that. I just want to know that my son is okay! That's it. That's all that matters. End of story."

Webber kept his eyes downcast and seemed to be thinking carefully. After a moment he looked up and said, "You can both seem him. Sit with him."

Izzie was on her feet before Alex even had time to think, and before he could even really make a conscious decision, he was hot in her heels. It was like they both had a deep need to see Kyle. Like no matter how much they heard, or understood intellectually about the boy making it through the surgery, they just couldn't accept it until they saw that he was alive and breathing.

It was kind of like that first time Adam had gotten a cold and fever. The pediatrician, and everything both Alex and April knew about infants and illness told them that this wasn't that bad. He did well and recovered quickly, but that hadn't stopped April from periodically popping into Adam's room throughout the night, and nudging him, just to be sure he was breathing. And it didn't stop Alex from spending hours with the baby propped up against his chest, just in case something went wrong. This was kind of the same urge.

As Webber lead them to Kye's room, Alex scowled. He wondered where April had gone off to. This was suck a freaking mess. A terrible crap filled mess. He was drawn to check on Kyle, but he vowed to find April and explain it all as soon as he'd seen the boy and eased his fears. He might not want to face up to everything, but he knew this was only going to get worse the longer she was confused and left to her own devices. His irritation with Izzie increased yet again.

How the hell had she managed to come in an screw up the life that he had now?

In what universe did it make sense that the chick could break his heart not once, but over and over again. Even after they'd freaking gotten a divorce. It wasn't fair.

Webber led Alex and Izzie into the small post op room, and for a moment all the thoughts rolling around in his head froze. There he was. Kyle Stevens. It was the first time he'd ever seen his son. Everything was so very different from the first time he'd seen Adam. Kyle certainly was not a newborn. And he certainly was not healthy. He was all banged up, and surrounded by medical crap, with the consistent beeps of monitors filling the small room. He had scratches and stitches and a cast and far too much pain for a toddler, in Alex's opinion. And he was blonde.

Freakin' A.

At least Kyle looked peaceful enough. Iz immediately rushed to the boy's bedside, taking hold of one hand and sobbing. Alex hung back with Webber, cramming his hands in his pockets. He smirked slightly when Kyle stirred a bit in response to his mother's hand, his creased forehead looking oddly like Amber and his other son. Alex's mind spun with a thousand questions about Kyle. What was he like? Did he laugh a lot? What was his favorite toy? Did he somehow know that he didn't have a Dad around? What was it like for Iz when he was born? All the things he didn't know about Kyle because he wasn't around.

The things Alex didn't know about Kyle because he didn't know about Kyle. Until today.

But the questions could wait, he supposed. All that really mattered to Alex was that the boy was still breathing. His heart was still beating. Seeing him for the first time, and seeing him alive was all he was going to get tonight.

Sighing in frustration, and cautiously approaching Kyle's bed, Alex watched his ex-wife. He thought he'd been able to forgive Izzie for leaving him behind, and divorcing him and all that crap. He'd at least been able to put it all behind him on some level. But this? Alex had no freaking idea what to do with this.

Alex reached his hand out, and tentatively took Kyle's in his own, willing whatever strength he could to the kid through the connection of their hands. If he believed in crap like that. Which he didn't.

"Hang in there, bud."

Iz glanced across the bed to him and Alex glared. He didn't think he could ever forgive her. Or let this go. He could have missed his son's  _whole_  life.

In the doorway, Webber took in the scene for several moments before clearing his throat and looking at the two distraught parents.

"He's stable for now," the old man explained calmly. "We had to take out a kidney, but the other one has measured good function so far..."

Richard paused, wincing as Izzie doubled over and cried harder. It was a tough situation. A lot of injuries on a little kid. Alex was impressed Kyle was breathing unaided. He'd seen plenty of cases with kids who'd sustained lesser injuries, relatively speaking, but the shock was just so bad theit lungs and systems couldn't handle it.

"Those are pretty bad breaks in his arm and pelvis," Webber continued. "But, as you both know, broken bones in children fare much better than adults. He'll need PT. Someone will come in and explain all that to you. But right now...he's alive, Stevens. He's alive."

"And you have to understand, he...wouldn't be...if-" he said carefully, looking between them both and lingering pointedly at Alex. "So you have to understand that...this was an extraordinary surgery...Kyle's procedure. Extraordinary. Probably the best work I've seen Kepner do. Probably some of the best trauma work I've seen anyone do. This child wouldn't have survived in different hands, I think..."

High praise. He wished April could hear it. He wished it wasn't all wrapped up in the train wreck that was his life.

Alex swallowed hard and looked back to the unconscious form in the bed. This whole freaking thing just sucked all around. He did appreciate the way that Webber seemed to be looking out for him though. Alex had seen that this kid was okay now, and now the old chief was gently hinting that he get over his cowardice and check on April too. As much as he didn't want to face her on some level, because he was afraid of the whole mess, he knew that the longer he let it go, the worse it would be.

He gave Kyle's hand one last squeeze, and looked at Iz, "You staying for the night?"

"Yeah," she looked at him like he was crazy when he stood up and moved to the door.

"Alright...so...you'll be okay with him until tomorrow?" Alex shoved his hands back in his pockets and shrugged. "I can come back say, 6 or 7. I'm thinking I'll give you a break and sit with him before my shift and then-"

"It doesn't matter. I don't need you, Alex," Izzie cut in angrily. "I've been his mother by myself for two years. I don't need you and I didn't ask for you so just don't even worry about it. Just because...you know now...it doesn't mean I want things to be different."

"Whatever," Alex growled. Things  _were_ different. And it shouldn't be about just what Iz wanted. "He's my kid too. I'm still coming back."

"Don't bother..."

Alex glared at Izzie and opened his mouth to yell at her, when Webber raised his hand in a calming gesture.

"We're all tired," the old man reasoned. "I think we can save the fighting for another day."

He rested a hand on Alex's should her as he passed, "I'll talk to her, Karev."

Alex nodded. Him and Webber, they'd never exactly been super close. Hell, the old dude punked him out of a conjoined twin surgery once. But it was nice how he was helping him tonight.

Exiting the room, he looked both directions down the long hallway. He needed to find April and explain all of this. The problem was, he had no idea where to start.

* * *

April sniffed shakily and whipped her tears using one sleeve of her street clothes. It hadn't taken long for the crying to commence. She hated herself for it, but she couldn't hold it back. She'd at least managed to hold it together until she'd gotten to the attendings lounge. Which, considering that she'd stopped at the daycare center first, pre-tearful break down, was a feat in and of itself.

Of course, her visit to the day care had been completely fruitless. She could find no comfort from stopping by because Adam wasn't there. Which was probably for the best. It was the middle of the night, and April really did prefer that he was safe and sound, asleep at their home. With Chief Hunt in charge, no less, as the daycare personnel explained. She was actually mildly impressed that Alex had bothered to remember he was the father of another little boy in this hospital and had arranged for him to go home. It was for the best.

As much as April had wanted to just snuggle her own child and pretend none of this had ever happened, it was better that he was at home. She realized that she was in the midst of a pretty full blown panic attack of sorts. The kind that she hated that she ever even was capable of producing. But there you go. The Kepner neurotic, sensitive, crazy. April Showers. She didn't want Adam to see that. If she was crying, he would to, and the last thing April wanted was to put anything on him. He needed a mother who was strong and composed. That was the Mama (or 'duuude,' as her boy would say with that special smile he reserved only for her) April wanted Adam to know. Strong and held together.

Not weak, broken hearted, and crying.

Which incidentally was why April was sitting in the lounge in the first place, throbbing leg propped up in the coffee table, trying in vain to calm herself down. Unfortunately, it was slow going. She just couldn't process the revelation she'd seen in post op. Kyle was Izzie Stevens's son. She was his mother. And Alex had stayed with her and that meant...that meant that April's own life now was probably all founded on a lie.

Lies, lies, lies.

It wasn't the whole thing with Kyle probably being Alex's son that bothered April so much, though there was a much larger can of worms there then she cared to admit just now. A bitterness that she shied away from examining too closely. It wasn't her biggest sadness in the whole thing. And whether or not Alex knew or didn't know about Kyle probably being his child before tonight, was a moot point to her. Because it was the action that had caused set of this into motion that killed her inside.

If Alex had made a baby with Izzie two years ago, then it meant that that whole time, way back at the beginning of their relationship. he'd been lying to her. When he said he wanted her. When he said she was hot. When he said she was good enough. All lies. And she knew that the depth of her feeling of betrayal wasn't entirely fair. They hadn't been 'in a relationship' exactly until later in the month. But the principle of the thing was still there. they'd been hanging out. Going on dates. He knew what kind of woman she was and that she wasn't the kind of woman who'd let him bang someone else while all the while dating her. And he'd done it anyway, without telling her a thing.

And the lie still hurt. As did the fact that he never said anything about it to her, even in the years that had passed.

Pulling a tissue from her purse April, winced and let more tears fall. She was only half changed into her street clothes, having managed to change into her sweater and top before the real heavy crying started. Her leg hurt too badly to continue. Her stupid freaking leg. And she was crying too hard. Technically, she had a double shift tonight, and she should be supervising interns and residents for another 8 hours, but April was damned if that was going to happen. And she didn't even care. She was pretty sure that Webber had seen and understood how upset he was, so she was going to take a leap of faith and count on him. He'd offered for her to go home after the long surgery. He'd offered to take up the slack for her if she went home, and that is exactly what April intended to do. When she calmed down.

This sucked. It sucked getting crapped on. Once again. She just felt like she was wrong about everything she thought she knew about Alex. And it felt like she'd gone a long way down the road with a man she hardly knew. How on earth had she let herself get so involved? Fallen in love? Been ready to marry Alex?

She'd...she'd given a special part of herself to him, while all the while back then he'd apparently been carrying on with his ex-wife. He was the father of her child. And yet, he hadn't told her about any of this. Maybe that was just it. Maybe she'd been meant to get Adam out of all of this. Adam but not the fairy tale ending.

April had been content to concede that Alex's ex-wife was a subject that he was never really going to talk with her about. She knew very little beyond what others had told her, and the fact that she could tell that on some level Alex still loved Izzie a little bit. There was a lot of anger in there too, but he wouldn't be so messed up by it all if there wasn't some feeling underneath it all. It was clear that getting left behind and divorced by this woman was a huge game changer in Alex's life.

She got it. April understood that that wasn't something Alex was apparently ever going to go into much with her. Not in therapy. Not at home. Not ever. But she thought he'd at least have the decency to tell her what had happened. That all the stuff at the beginning had been a lie.

The door creaked open, and April startled. It was the first interruption she'd had all night, thankfully. Night shifts had some positive attributes. Unfortunately, the person who slunk into the room was exactly the last person she wanted to see.

"Go away, Alex," she growled, surprised at the intensity of her desire to be alone.

"April, just listen to me for a minute-"

"No! I...I can't-" April sniffed and looked at him with wide eyes, desperately trying, in vain, to hold back her tears to speak. "I can't be around you right now. I...I can't. You-you need to go. You need to go, because I can't-"

She doubled over with the sheer force of her sobbing, aware and mortified by the fact that she was actually shaking. Oh, how she wished she could channel something more like righteous indignation. Say something snide and witty and biting in the face of all of this.  _Show_  Alex. What would Cristina say or do?

Instead, all April could produce was broken devastation. She hated that about herself.

Alex hung back, approaching the couch cautiously, with his hands held up in front of him, like he was trying not to spook a wild animal. Maybe he was. April could tell from the look on his face and the posture of his shoulders that he was tired. Alex was exhausted. And of course, she still cared. Even when she got crapped on, April couldn't help but care.

Damn it.

"April, seriously," Alex tried again, moved almost imperceptibly closer to the couch. "It's not what you think-"

"Oh?" April said, suddenly finding that sliver of anger deep with in herself, and holding onto it for dear life. She let out a mirthless laugh. "Oh? So, it's not what I think. Okay. Let's see then...what do I think?"

"Uh," her fiance looked uncomfortable and shoving his hands into his pockets. "I don't really know exactly, but I am sure that you don't quite understand-"

"I don't understand? I don't understand!" April snapped. "Here's what I understand. I think...hmmm? You are here, with your ex-wife, hours after you should have been at home with Adam. Waiting to find out what happened with  _her_  son. That has to mean something."

"Well, it does, but-" Alex tried again, futilely.

"I'm not stupid, Alex."

He frowned at looked genuinely hurt, "I freaking know that!"

April sniffed and set her jaw, lower lip quivering. Her anger had thankfully slowed her tears, but it was still a battle to keep it together. She crossed her arms, "I just operated on your child, didn't I? Her son is  _your_  son too, right? That's what I think."

Alex frowned and hung his head, mumbling, "You saved his freaking life...and yes. I'm Kyle's father."

The manic laughter came back, "My God, Alex."

"I didn't know about him," Alex said bitterly, moving ever closer to the couch. "Iz didn't tell me."

"That's not the point!" April flung her arms from their crossed position and waved them violently for emphasis. "That's not the point at all. He's my patient; I've seen his chart! I know when he was born and I know...I know what you did."

She clung to her anger and smiled, a bitter closed lipped expression that hurt her face, shrugging, "Honestly Alex, if you needed it that bad you certainly didn't have to keep leading me on! If you couldn't keep it in your pants until I was ready, you really should have just left me alone!"

April felt sick because she was mildly vindicated by the flash of guilt and pain that crossed her boyfriend's face. He looked genuinely pained and hurt. But the moment lasted only a second, she had only one small second of satisfaction in his guilt before his features closed off and the all too familiar Karev scowl was firmly in place.

"Jesus," Alex swore, slumping down on the couch, maintaining a careful arm length distance from April. He held his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes. "That's not what this is at all, April! I didn't sleep with Iz when we were together! I didn't sleep with Iz since the divorce. You don't understand."

April scoffed. He must really think she was stupid, "Kyle is two, Alex. You got divorced 3 years ago. Doesn't make any sense-"

"That's not how Izzie and I made a baby!" Alex shouted. "He was freaking conceived in a goddamn petrie dish months before you even came to the hospital. Before I knew you. That's...it wasn't supposed to be like that. That isn't how I wanted to make a baby with her. It isn't how I wanted to have to make a baby with anyone. But she had cancer and the chemo was crap and she wanted kids and they were harvesting her eggs, and they freeze better when they are fertilized and whatever, so I just-I...it seemed like good idea at the time. I thought she was dying."

The garbled revelation left April blinking and slack jawed. Her inner anger evaporated in a flash. This was so unreal. But at least...Alex was still mostly the person she knew. He really hadn't betrayed her in so much as April had thought. He'd omitted a lot, but he hadn't polluted their early relationship in the way that April had feared. And that was immensely comforting. She was startled again when Alex let out a frustrated shout and rested his head on the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling and shaking his head.

"I'm so stupid. I'm too freaking stupid to read the details of my own freaking divorce. And too stupid to see that Iz might do what she did. She got custody of all the embryos in the divorce. All of them. I should have...I should have expected it.  _I_  should have known better. But I didn't and he shows up in the ER and Izzie freakin tells me he is mine. Now I have this kid and the poor guy is laid up in bed with all that crap. It's just so stupid."

April was still stuck on the whole, petrie dish embryo created before the merger thing. You could have knocked her over with a feather. You could have poked her with a stick and she might have disintegrated into a pile of dust right there and then. It really wasn't what she'd thought at all. Alex hadn't waited for Izzie out of any clandestine loyalty to Izzie and their non-existent affair. He was there for Kyle. He stayed at the hospital because he was a good father. She'd been entirely wrong. And despite the small amount of comfort that brought, she felt a whole other rush of adrenaline and panic rushing over her.

When she didn't respond to him, Alex, looked at April pleadingly, "And I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I didn't know how. And...I really didn't think she'd use a freaking embryo with out so much as a 'Hey, I'm having your baby' call or whatever. It's wrong and I just didn't think she would do that. I didn't think."

Covering her mouth with both hands, April's eyes widened. This could have been bad. This could have gone so incredibly, spectacularly, bad. Not because of lies or betrayal either. This could have gone bad because of her. She could have screwed up. The guilt at what might have happened began to eat away at April's heart.

"Say something, April," Alex pleaded. "Come on. Please?"

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Oh God. Oh God," April repeated. "He...Kyle...If I made a mistake? If he doesn't-If he hadn't...If I had killed him, you'd never get to meet him and then you'd hate me. You'd hate me and oh God."

Now Alex looked at her like she was crazy, "Seriously? For crying out loud."

"I'm not the best," April shook her head, and tried to move away as Alex scooted closer and tentatively wrapped one arm around her shoulders. The touch was so refreshing comforting that April melted into it instantly, leaning her head down to rest on his shoulder and whipping the last stubborn tears from her eyes. "I'm not the best. He coded in the pit. He...I'm not the best."

"That not what Webber says," Alex murmured. "Kyle is alive because of you. Thank freakin' God. He's alive. For better or for worse..."

He shook his head bitterly, "Shit. I am a terrible person. For worse? What kind of Dad says crap like that?"

"It's a terrible situation. He can't hear you. It doesn't make you a bad Dad."

"Not being in his life does."

"You didn't know he existed," April lowered one hand, to Alex's knee, and gave it a gentle squeeze. She felt immense guilt for allowing herself to jump to conclusions. She had immediately thought the worst of Alex and that was wrong. For all she accused him of not having faith in her, or their relationship, April realized that maybe she was the one who was too quick to doubt.

"I'm so sorry for every thing I said Alex."

"Whatever, it's not like you could have guessed-"

"No," April agreed. "But I am still sorry."

Alex laced his fingers through hers and squeezed her hand, "We really got the bad deal in life, huh? If it's not one thing it's something else."

"Kind of par for the course at this hospital," April agreed.

She couldn't help but wonder what all of this meant now. Like for anything. Alex had another child. With his ex-wife. Another son. With his more beautiful, not crippled ex-wife. A woman who April felt certain Alex would still be married to, if only Izzie had never left. He was getting a glimpse of almost the same life he had with April, in a way. Only with Izzie and Kyle, instead of April and Adam. A taste of something else. And she didn't know how Alex would respond. Despite everything, maybe he'd look back and see his ex-wife and older son as the better choice.

Would he want to be a part of Kyle's life? April knew that answer was yes. So it meant she'd have to let Kyle into her life as well. And his mother. For Kyle, at least on some level, she knew she already had. She realized that the moment she'd stared into his scared little brown eyes in the pit, Kyle Stevens had gotten to her. But letting his mother into things was a whole other kettle of fish. And then there was the question of whether Izzie would let Alex into Kyle's life at all.

It was a fair one, considering she'd never told Alex in the first place that she used one of the embryos they made. That was a pretty clear indication of what kind of family she wanted, right? And which way was better? Certainly this life, without Alex was all that Kyle knew. April also couldn't help but consider what all this meant for her own little boy. Oh, how this changed things for Adam. He had an older brother. She did want him to have a sibling one day, but this was not in a million years one of the ways she'd dreamed it would happen. And she knew the relationship would never be anything like the ones she had with her sisters. Because it was different. They lived with different mothers.

Everything was just too much. A mess. The only comfort April felt was in knowing that she'd been wrong about Alex. It was a small comfort, but it made her feel less alone. And she hoped it made Alex feel less alone too. They'd been blindsided together.

April sighed deeply, "What are we gonna do, Alex?"

"I don't freaking know."

A long silence stretched between them then.

Finally, still stunned, April pressed closer to Alex, "I guess we'll really have something to talk about at our next session with Dr Wyatt."

Now it was his turn to laugh humorlessly, "I guess so."

They both chuckled. And April sniffed.

Alex shook his head, "God damn it."

 


	13. Chapter 13

"What exactly did she know and when did she know it?" Meredith grilled Derek from the passenger's seat of their car the next morning as he strapped a sleeping Zola into her car seat.

This whole mess had gotten started before the end of her shift, but a lot more had happened overnight. She had a small chance to check in with Alex before she'd taken Zola home and made dinner, but at that time April had still been in the OR. Alex was coping well enough, she thought. Pissed, but better than he might have handled all of this a mere two years previous. The response of his fiancee on the other hand, was completely unknown. And Meredith was worried.

"When she was there and I did Kyle's neuro exam?" Derek yawned, tired from an extra long shift. "Nothing."

Meredith shook her head in disbelief, "So April just walked in there, with no idea anything was going on? Like some sacrificial lamb for slaughter?"

Her husband huffed and gave her a skeptical look as he clamored into the driver's seat, "It's bad, but it's hardly that dramatic, I think."

"Oh yeah?" She was pretty sure that 'just unknowingly operated on fiance's secret ex-wife birthed embryo child' qualified to be about as dramatic as things got in modern times. All things considered.

"What did Bailey say happened when April saw Izzie?"

"That she looked like she had been hit by a mac truck," Derek conceded. "I guess she kind of put stuff together when she saw Alex was in the room."

"Well, obviously," Meredith rolled her eyes, pulling out her phone to text Lexie and Cristina about the situation. "I mean, if I found you waiting with your ex-wife and she had a child of suspicious age..."

Derek drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he guided them out of the driveway, "Like that is going to happen."

His marriage to Addison had always been a bit of a prickly subject for Meredith, but honestly she knew that she had nothing to worry about. She had no evidence or reason to suspect that Derek and his ex had a secret cash of frozen embryos. If that was somethingit would occur to you to suspect. And Addison's recent adoption of a little boy down in LA also seemed to indicate that this situation would, in fact, never befall Derek and Meredith.

Nope. Just their friends.

Meredith smirked as she got a near instantaneous text message reply from Cristina, informing her that she did, in fact know that Alex and April had at least started to discuss the whole Izzie-Kyle situation. Because and quote,  _'Owen and I hung out with Little Spawn all night. Fell asleep on your old couch. AK's home in the too early AM. Marry Poppins tears. Evil Spawn needs a bar fight.'_

"Why are you texting people? I don't think Alex and April would want their business going all around the whole hospital,"Derek chastised.

She rolled her eyes, "It's not the whole hospital. It's just relevant people. Cristina and my sister. Cristina knows most of what's up and I bet you Mark has told Lexie what he's heard already. I think it's better that our friends know then don't. They can help Alex and April. And come on. This is Seattle Grace, people are going to find out anyway. A lot of them can guess, apparently. The ones who were around during the whole cancer and divorce thing. They'll probably at least guess that Kyle is Alex's. You did."

Driving the car onto the freeway on-ramp, Derek shrugged and licked his lips, "I suppose you do have a point. It's just a very hard situation."

"Uh, yeah...I mean...I can't even imagine," Meredith shook her head. She paused and then stared at him in confusion. "If you guessed Kyle was Alex's, why didn't you at least give April a heads up?"

"Well, I couldn't tell for sure," he said carefully. "Nurse Linda just said something about Stevens being back in the hospital, and that she was waiting for her son. And then I saw him...kid looks a lot like Alex, actually. A lot. Too much not to wonder..."

"But?"

"But, like I said, I wasn't certain," Derek continued. "Not until after Bailey told me the what she knew. That Izzie and Alex told her it was true."

"Still...if you suspected, you might have been able to say something," Meredith sighed shaking her head.

Being blindsided was the part of life she'd learned to hate the most. She hated it. you can kind of prepare for bad stuff you see coming. It still sucked, but at least you could brace yourself. Meredith hated the unexpected.

She'd hated finding out her father wasn't coming back home. That her mother had an affair with Richard. She'd hated finding out that her Mcdreamy had been mcmarried when they first hooked up. That her father had a secret life with not one, but two new daughters. No, surprises like this one were not something Meredith would wish on her worst enemy, let alone someone she called a friend.

"What would I have said, Mer?" Derek reasoned. "'Hey, Kepner. Your patient is doing really well, but you might want to know that he might be Alex's kid. Just fyi.' Like that would have worked. It wasn't my place."

Sliding her phone back into her purse, Meredith groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. This was a completely over the top, unexpected situation. She couldn't hardly believe that Izzie, a woman she'd once called her close friend would ever do something like this. She knew that her friend had changed a lot over the years. Certainly following her bout with cancer. The changes were, in fact, what Meredith attributed to the demise of their friendship from one of housemate status to Christmas card only status to no contact whatsoever.

"See I just-" Meredith's eyes widened and she shook her head in disbelief. "I just don't see  _how_  could Izzie do it? Legal custody stuff aside. How do you keep a child a secret? How could she do that to Alex?"

It just didn't equate with the Izzie she'd known. Even after everything that had happened.

After a long pause, Derek replied, "I have no idea. Why don't you ask her?"

Meredith only shrugged, "I don't know if I can."

The opportunity was there. She'd worked on Robbie Stevens case, and honestly she should have gone in with Bailey to explain the outcome of her mother's surgery to Izzie. But something had held her back. Derek had seen her in the Neuro department right afterward, and had of course intuitively sensed her hesitation. He'd been pestering her about it ever since. Which was a little irritating, since he hadn't exactly gone out of his way to see Izzie either. Granted, they'd never been as close of friends. Still.

Derek knew that it was a sensitive topic for his wife, and mercifully he didn't push the issue. The rest of the drive to the hospital was silent, and the day started with little tension or fanfare. Zola got dropped off at daycare, Derek went into the OR on one of his cases, and Meredith checked in on a few of hers. A normal day for them really, but the buzz and energy of the hospital demonstrated that the day was anything but normal.

For Alex and April this day was not at all routine. The news was out. The nurses were chattering and the residents were whispering, and it was all over the hospital that Isobel Stevens was back. And somehow she couldn't stop the nagging thoughts. Why didn't she want to talk to Izzie?

Meredith didn't quite know why she felt the way she did. It wasn't like she didn't want to go see Izzie. Or was it? She felt a little bad, because when she examined her true emotional reasons for avoiding her old friend, she found that they were spiteful and ambiguous more than anything else. This was a terrible time in Izzie's life. She could have lost both her son and her mother in one fell swoop. She could have lost everything. You needed people around you at a time like that.

But Meredith too had been in dark places herself over that past three years. Terrible times. She'd survived a shooting and a miscarriage and almost lost her husband. She'd tampered with a clinical trial and lost her job. For two years, she'd been in Seattle without her best friend. Her sister was currently living in another state. Meredith had even for a time, lost her daughter. And where was Izzie then? Where was she for Meredith's darkest hours? Gone. Out of contact.

Izzie had left, even when Meredith begged her not to go.

You don't just walk away from people. You don't just throw them away. Not matter how much you want a new start. You shouldn't turn your back on your family.

And finally, it was that very notion that tipped the scales. The same concept that kept Meredith away from her old friend influenced the decision she made after lunch to stop by Kyle Stevens's room. Just to update Izzie on her mother's continued progress. And because Meredith wasn't Izzie. She didn't just walk out on people. Or throw them away. She had sympathy for serial killers. Even more compassion for people she loved. A small part of her compassion did go to Izzie, for all that she could not understand her friend's choices. But the larger share of her empathy lay with the residents of her old home. Adam, April, and Alex. The largest share for Karev. This was a game changer.

It had taken her a long time to get a family and Meredith was not about to turn her back on that now.

Izzie did that to Alex, but Meredith wasn't about to let her continue to do hurt him. Her friend deserved better. After all he'd gone through, and how much he had grown. He needed life to stop throwing eggs in his face. Metaphorical or frozen, the universe just needed to freakin' stop.

Approaching the room quietly, Meredith paused in the doorway, and took a moment to observe her old friend. Izzie still looked as beautiful as she always had. Hair and eyes and all. She could probably still be a model if she wanted to. Older. Not the same kind of stuff. But Meredith thought time had been good to her old friend.

Turning her gaze to the small figure in the bed, Meredith felt a clench in her heart. Kyle Stevens looked so small, dwarfed by the hospital equipment surrounding him. Derek was right. The boy did look at lot like Alex. He certainly had the man's complexion, more so than Adam. And his jaw and chin were unmistakable. The Karev forehead, though framed by blonde hair, rounded out the similarities between father and son. Meredith couldn't help but find some small satisfaction in that. Izzie might have tried to erase Alex from both Kyle's life and her own, but she had to get up every day and see the many traces of him in the boy.

Karma might exist.

At the same time, her vengful thoughts made Meredith feel a little bad because she also couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if Zola was laid up in a hospital bed like this. It would be terrifying.

Sighing, Meredith straightened her shoulders and entered the room, "Izzie, I just wanted to swing by and give you a small update about your mother. She is stable and continues to do well. My residents tell me she has woken up once, briefly, but did very well. I'd say she is on the road to be discharged in a matter of days."

Izzie jumped, and stared at Meredith, wide eyed, clearly startled to see her friend, "Uh...thank you...for the update...Dr. Grey."

Meredith crossed her arms, "Dr. Grey? Seriously?"

The other woman's face faltered, and she broke eye contact, turning to look wearily at her son, "I don't know. I can tell you are mad at me...all of you are mad at me. I'm not sure I am on 'Meredith' terms anymore."

Meredith scoffed, "You are really surprised we're all mad at you? What did you think was going to happen?"

"I didn't think there was going to be a car crash," Izzie replied simply.

She reached out and squeezed Kyle's hand, "And right now, I just want to help my little boy get better, so I'd rather not worry about dealing with all of you and your hurt feelings over me leaving a job."

"It was never just a job," Meredith countered. "And you know it. You wouldn't have had any frozen embryos in the first place if your time here was just a job. Alex did that because he loved you. You lived here. You loved here. That is a home."

Izzie set her jaw and glanced back to Meredith defiantly, "Maybe once. Maybe it was my home once. Not anymore."

The expression in her old friend's eyes didn't quite line up with the words coming out of her mouth. There was a sadness there. A longing. Maybe regret even, so Meredith pressed ahead, half out of spite for getting left behind and half out of pity for that look.

"I have a daughter," she announced, determined to educate Izzie on the magnitude of what she'd missed when she bailed on them all. To make her see just how much they had all changed as well as how much they survived without her.

"Her name is Zola. We adopted her from Malawi. I had a miscarriage because I have a hostile uterus."

Izzie sighed, and looked at Meredith with sympathy, but she didn't allow the other woman to speak.

"We had a shooting. Derek got shot. Alex got shot, did you know that?"

"I, uh...I saw on TV," Izzie looked at her hands. "I wanted to call, but...I just..."

"People died. Cristina got PTSD and got married," Meredith held out a hand and shook her head. "Alex got trapped beneath a collapsed building too. Uh let's see, what else? Oh, we were in and ambulance accident, Cristina nearly killed Alex with a shot of epinephrine...we did clinical trials, saved children in Africa, figured out specialties, passed boards, did fellowships, had children, got...new cars, houses...we lived. And where were you? Where were you? You were an important part of our lives once. But then you just dumped us."

Izzie swallowed, and appeared to be on the verge of tears, "I'm sorry, Meredith. I don't really know what else I can say."

"And you," Meredith continued, taking three careful steps to the bed, stopping just behind her old friends chair. "You had a little boy. Got and job and I don't know what else...you lived too. Alone."

"I know."

"Why? Just because you were divorced didn't mean Alex wouldn't have...stepped up. And we missed you. You never called or anything."

"I...I-I don't know. I just-It's not like any of you came after me, anyway...I needed a new start."

They sat in silence for a moment. Meredith though of all the things that had changed between them. Izzie turned around to face her, and Meredith thought she was about to speak when the door suddenly opened. April appeared awkwardly in the doorway, biting her lower lip and leaning heavily on her cane.

"Oh, uh...sorry," she mumbled, clutching a chart in her hands so tightly that her knuckles were white. "I...was just going to ch-check in, and g-go over some care stuff. I-I can come back, if this is a bad time..."

Meredith sighed, as Izzie looked back to April, and the moment, or whatever it was had been broken. And Meredith still felt just as confused about her feelings toward her old friend as she did before. Because in person, Izzie didn't seem all that different. And she still didn't understand how it had all ended up this way. She still couldn't pinpoint exactly when things had started to change. Was it the cancer? The wedding? Denny? George?

Or maybe it wasn't possible to say for sure. Meredith just wished things hadn't ended up this way.

* * *

"No it's fine," Izzie muttered. "Let's get it over with. What do have to tell me, Dr. Kepner?"

April's hands shook, and she was actually glad to come into the room and find Meredith there too. She could admit that Izzie made her feel nervous. And strangely inadequate. It was nice to see a friendly face, although she knew she'd interrupted an important conversation.

And she supposed she probably couldn't quite count on the other woman's loyalty. Izzie had been Meredith's friend long before she'd known April.

"W-Well," she fumbled, struggling to get the words out. "What I wa-"

"W-w-what? Just spit it out," Izzie mocked, glaring at April in irritation. "Please."

She looked April up and down, lingering for a second too long on the handle of her cane and the nervous trauma surgeon couldn't help but gulp. Here she was, looking like crap. She stood here with dark circles under her eyes from not sleeping well, a cane because her stupid crippled leg couldn't handle the long hours she'd put in, and pale from nerves and fears and god knows what else.

Compare that with Izzie Stevens. A woman who'd spent the night in a hospital chair waiting by her injured child's side. If there was ever a reason to look like crap, that had to be it. Only Izzie didn't. Izzie with her dirty blond hair, and curves in not awkward places, and appropriately proportioned bone structure. She looked fine. April might have known.

She suddenly felt acutely aware of the fact that Izzie had once been as familiar with Alex as she was. Married familiar. Emotionally familiar though, given the divorce, that must have only gone so far. Sexually familiar.

It wasn't like April didn't know that Alex was wildly more experienced than she was. She knew there'd been other women. Lots of them, in fact. And, because they were together now, she was fully okay with it. Or so she thought. She'd met previous flings before. Hell, she'd lived with Lexie Grey. Only things had never felt this humiliating with Lexie. But looking at Izzie, April knew she just couldn't measure up to what Alex had experienced in his first marriage.

Great. Just the sort of unprofessional thoughts to have right before you are meant to be saying something important. April flushed.

Now it felt like her tongue was glued to the roof of her mouth.

"Hey," Meredith interjected sharply, glaring at Izzie. "Behave."

April felt a tremendous sense of relief. Meredith was sticking up for her. Even though she'd known Izzie first, and for longer, and probably found her less annoying. The release of tension spurred a little courage.

She cleared her throat, straightened her shoulders and walked to the other end of the bed, quickly looking at the heart monitor and taking in Kyle's vitals.

"I was just going to do a quick check on his incisions," April said as she carefully pulled back the bed covers, gown, and dressings. In his sleep, Kyle shifted and moaned slightly, calmed only when his mother squeezed his hand.

April winced, continuing her exam, "And then I wanted to talk to you about the rest of his care plan...and...how that is all going to work going forward."

Mostly, the part about how it wasn't going to work going forward with April. She knew that she couldn't continue working on his case in good conscience. Not ethically, but mostly not emotionally. Kyle deserved a physician who's whole world wasn't tilted on it's side by his very existence. He needed someone more detached, and she wasn't too proud to admit that that surgeon was not her.

Taking in the neat rows of stitches she'd placed the previous day, April smiled faintly when she saw there was very little inflammation or sign of infection. The odds were still pretty high that he might encounter some sort of infection later on.

"So far, so good," April said, as brightly as possible as she moved to replace Kyle's bandages and cover. "He doesn't have an infection yet, though given the placement of his incision and the extent of his injuries, the possibility remains-"

"Highly likely," Izzie cut in, sadly. "I know. I am a surgeon."

April blinked and ducked her head, feeling like an idiot. She knew that.

"Um...Right. Well, then you know a little bit about what you are facing. Kyle will likely spend a few weeks recovering here and working with a physical therapist," she continued quickly,struggling to maintain her professional mask as best she could while reading off the list she'd drawn up on the boy's chart."I've got him signed up with Bobby Larrin. Trust me, speaking from my own experience with him, Bobby is really the best."

Izzie blinked and made a small huffing sort of noise, sharing a questioning glance with Meredith. April couldn't, and didn't really want to over-analyze the exchange so she carried on, "Once he is released from the hospital, he will need to continue to come back for therapy with Bobby and regular check ups, for about 6 months, depending on how his mobility level is doing."

"Check ups with you?" Izzie asked skeptically.

"No, uh...that was actually the last thing I wanted to talk with you about," April replied, clearing her throat when her voice began to falter, and gesturing frantically in the vain hope that her hands could convey what her words could not. "I, uh...given the...the unusual situation..."

"Unusual? Yeah, let's call it that," the other women snorted under her breath, as Meredith made a 'shh' sound.

"Given the unusual situation that exists between us...I really think that it is best that I turn over Kyle's case to Dr. Webber," April said. "He was in on Kyle's procedure, and as you know he is one of the most respected doctors in this city. Now, if you'd like me to find someone else, I could-"

"Webber is fine. I'm comfortable with him," the blonde haired woman nodded, speaking in the most sincere tone April had heard her use in the whole conversation. "That's sounds reasonable...makes sense. And cuts down on, well awkward encounters like this, I suppose. Thank you. Really. For everything. Kyle means the world to me."

April closed the boy's chart and pressed it to her chest, offering Izzie a closed lipped smile, "Little guys can be like that. I'm just doing my job."

Meredith and Izzie nodded. It was the one thing that all three of the adults in the room had in common and could agree on. They were all mothers. And the little ones in there lives really did mean the world to them. And so April would have done her level best to save Kyle, no matter what, even if she had known the whole or any portion of the truth before hand.

April swallowed again, "Uh...I'm gonna just...I'll just go..."

She was beginning to get that weird feeling of claustrophobia again, like the walls around her were gliding closer, and the discomfort level she felt in this room drove her toward the door. Pausing in the doorway, April winced as she remembered her last conversation with Alex. She swallowed hard and turned to the women in the room once more.

April looked pointedly towards Izzie, "Oh, um, Alex said to tell you he'll be by as soon as he g-gets out of surgery. He can stay for about an hour and a half then...so...you could maybe eat or visit your mom or something..."

This whole thing made April uncomfortable. And maybe that made her a terrible person. It wasn't like she blamed Alex for wanting to share the burden of sitting at his son's beside. It wasn't. She knew first hand that he was an excellent father. And she also knew that if their places were reversed Alex would be just as eager to sit in here with Adam. Maybe that was the point. He felt just as eager to be in here with Kyle and Izzie. She knew it wasn't meant to be at the expense of Adam and herself, but all the same...it was just uncomfortable. It felt like they were suddenly secondary somehow.

Maybe it was because the bombshell realization was still settling in. Or because April really did spend 11 hours in the OR doing one surgery the previous day. Or because she'd gotten home early that morning to find her own little child asleep, having spent almost 18 hours without consciously seeing her. Or the fact the she spent the night fighting back tears instead of sleeping because she knew that Alex was curled up next to her and she didn't want him to feel bad. Or maybe her feelings arose from the way her skin itched when she felt Izzie's calculating gaze, feeling suddenly so inadequate compared to the only woman Alex had  _actually_  married. Maybe it was all of it.

But April felt more than a little jealous.

Izzie looked frustrated and rolled her eyes, "He doesn't have to."

* * *

Later on, Alex scowled and crossed his arms, "Of course I have to stay! The hell I don't have to. You said it yourself. He's my freaking kid."

"Biologically yes," Izzie countered, resting her head in one hand. "But if he wakes up and I am not here, that's not going to make a difference."

"He won't be alone and I'd-"

"Kyle doesn't know you, Alex! And you don't know him."

"Iz..."

She shook her head, "I'm sorry, but you're nobody to him."

Alex duck his head and looked at his hands, one of which was carefully clasping the smaller hand of the child in the bed. He worked to control his rage and frustration. Iz's words stung. In no small part because Alex did know that they were logically true.

"He's gonna be hurting and scared and when he wakes up, he's going to want me and only me," Izzie explained. "I know my son Alex and he is no fan of owies."

Despite the tension in the room, Alex found himself snorting at the unexpected use of baby speak, and quipped, "Owies?"

His eyes lifted to hers across the bed. He could see that Izzie had noticed her little slip up. She shrugged and said, "That's what he is going to call this. A great big owie."

"Yeah, yeah. I work in peds," Alex reminded her. "I'm familiar with the whole gamut; owies, booboos, and ouchiwawas."

Izzie chuckled, "Job lingo."

Alex nodded. This was the least charged exchange they'd had since her return to the hospital. It almost reminded him of the old days. Almost.

He leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms, thinking of the issue they'd been arguing about moments previously. As much as Alex hated to admit it, Izzie had a point. He was a complete stranger to his older son, and Kyle was a complete stranger to him. But he couldn't let go of his own perspective on the subject either. There was just no way Iz could stay at the hospital 24/7 until Kyle went home. There were times he'd have to be by himself, and times when someone else, Alex or whoever, would be with him.

"Look," Alex said as calmly as he could. "We know that when he wakes up, he gets moved out of post op, and they'll kick us both out a 7 when visiting hours end. There's no way to be absolutely positive either of us will be here all the time. I have a job. So do you. As he recovers, there is going to be times when he is here on his own. Now between us, we can work together to minimize that time, but there is no way to completely avoid it."

The truth irritated Izzie, Alex could tell. She pursed her lips, and twisted the edge of Kyle's bed blanket. She might not have wanted help these past two years, but Alex was damned if she was going to let her cut him out now.

"Alex...I don't...I don't need him getting all..." Iz shrugged.

"What? Attached to me? I'm his father. He should be attached to me. Now that I know he exists, I am damn well going to be a part of his life."

"I-I don't know yet, Alex...I don't."

That took his breath away. It was actually painful to think that, after all this, his ex wife would still try to keep him out of his son's life. Alex didn't freaking understand it. Now that he knew that Kyle was his, he was all in. And he was a good father. April could vouch for that. Then again, Iz probably wouldn't listen so.

"Look," Izzie continued, cutting into his stunned silence. "I don't know yet, because...I haven't had time to process. I never wanted this to be an issue. That's why I wanted it settled in the divorce. Right now, I just want to focus on what's best for Kyle."

Alex was about to reply, but the boy in the bed stirred, as though he sense the anger flaring between his parents in the room. Sighing, he shut his mouth. None of this sat well with him at all. It was like he'd inadvertently signed over all his cards to Izzie before Kyle was even alive. Just because he had agreed to divorce her. He could never have known how things would end up. And he had the distinct sense that she would pull Kyle away from him in a second. Which was freaking unfair. He didn't want to think that going forward he'd need a lawyer or some crap to deal with all of this. It really sucked.

But arguing about it now wasn't going to help anything right now. And Alex was tired and frustrated. So, he swallowed hard and shrugged. The boy in the bed between them needed the focus on his recovery. Alex could understand that.

"Fine. Whatever," he mumbled. "We don't have to talk about this right now."

"Then you can just go ahead and go ahead and go home and leave me here to sit with him-"

"Ah ah ah!" Alex held up one finger. "I'm putting in my time with my kid, Iz. Whether you are here or not. Take a break if you need it, but for right now I am staying."

Her eyes narrowed, "Fine."

"Fine!" Alex snapped.

"I  _know_."

"Whatever."

Silence filled the room, only interrupted by the steady sounds of Kyle's monitors beeping intermittently. This was so bogus. Alex had never had to deal with crap like this. He didn't get emotionally intimate with many people, and he didn't know how to deal with one of them after that level of intimacy had ended. Izzie had been everything to him once. And she knew crap about him. Once. Now, things were different, and he just didn't know how to handle it.

Kyle shifted again in the bed, and his eyes fluttered. Both Alex and Izzie suddenly sat bolt upright, leaning over the bed.

"Kyle?" Izzie prodded gently, moving closer to his shoulder and running her hands along his unbroken arm. "Mommy's here. I know you hurt. It's okay."

The child whimpered and tears rolled from the corners of his eyes. He shifted and moaned, and for the first time Alex got a look at his son's eyes. They opened slowly, and squinted around the room. Kyle's lower lip jutted out and he started to bawl. Alex swallowed hard. Hearing Kyle cry bothered him as much as hearing Adam's tears.

"Owie!" was the only discernible word out of a cascade of hiccuping sobs. Poor little guy. He was in a lot of pain and terribly confused. Alex had seen it before in Peds. When kids first woke up, freaking out was pretty common.

"I know, I know," Izzie soothed, looking so desperately sad, that Alex was at a loss for what to do. She had every right to be pained. It's not easy watching your kid hurt. But her reaction would impact Kyle's. Kids picked up on their parents emotions. In pediatrics, distraction is key.

So he fell back to his Peds instincts. He leaned into the boy's vision and grinned. Kyle's tears were still flowing, but his whimpers subsided, and Alex knew he had the boy's attention.

"Hey Kyle," Alex said calmly, reaching into his lab coat pocket and pulling out his stethoscope. "You are in the hospital. Have you ever seen a place so freaking clean?"

He cast his hand around the room, gesturing at the pristine white room. Alex felt absurdly happy when Kyle's cries further died down and the boy's gaze followed Alex's hand.

"Cl-ean," Kyle parroted.

"Yep," Alex agreed, offering the long end of his stethoscope to Kyle.

The child took it with his good hand, and stared suspiciously at the case and apparatus holding his broken pelvis in place, "L-egs. Owie."

"It kind of sucks, dude," Alex said, reaching around and placing the earpieces of the stethoscope by Kyle's head. "No two ways about it. But you'll be fine. The Doctors are taking really good care of you."

He then pulled the chest piece of the stethoscope to his elbow, "Hear anything?"

"Uh, uh."

Alex moved it to the back of his head, and Izzie chuckled, "What about now?"

"Shh..." Kyle whispered, and a small smile appeared on his lips. Alex wanted to jump up and stand on his seat. It was working. His diversion was making Kyle less aware of his pain, and the kid seemed to like him.

"Maybe I'll try putting it here," Alex continued, moving the chest piece to the middle of his forehead. Izzie laughed and shook her head. "Ope...Mom says that is is bad idea..."

They played the little game for a few more minutes, and Alex made a point to involve Izzie more and more, moving the chest piece over to her so Kyle could see if he could hear stuff from her hand. It seemed to have a calming effect on both of them, and before long Kyle started to yawn and get drowsy. Which was also pretty normal for kid patients. The stress of drugs and undergoing procedures and healing was a lot for a little body to take. So sleep was good. Kyle had done really well with staying awake for the short time that he had.

When he was all the way asleep, Izzie sniffed and held her head in her hands, crying softly. Alex let her have the moment, because he was actually having a bit of a moment himself. He was overwhelmed. Truly freaking overwhelmed. It was the strangest contrast to the first time he met Adam. This was his son too. Granted, he'd acted as more of a peds surgeon than a father in their first interaction, but Alex would take what he could get.

"Thanks for that," Izzie sniffled.

"No problem. Adam likes the stethoscope," Alex shrugged. "Kids in peds usually go for them too."

"Still..."

Alex was dying to know more about Kyle. It was like the boy's small moment of wakefulness had opened up a bottomless pit of interest. He needed to know everything he could about his other son. He knew everything about Adam. Kyle shouldn't be any different.

"Iz..." he ventured, tentatively. "Can you...can you just tell me about him. What's he like?"

He expected her to hem and haw again. To say no, or that it wasn't a good idea, or that now wasn't the time to worry about all that. To Alex's surprise, Izzie only nodded and sniffed again.

"Well," she began. "He...he loved pears. He always asks for them. Pear was one of his first words actually. And...he's a little bit of a dare devil. A real boy's boy, you know? Likes the swings in the park. Climbs anything he can get traction on. He doesn't always do as he is told."

"He really needs an eye on him then?"

Izzie laughed, "Yeah. Two eyes. Um, what else? Kyle is loving, but he can be pretty pig headed. He's at that age where he needs help with stuff still, but he kind of shrugs it off because...well because he wants to be a big boy and do everything himself."

Alex found that he was hung up on every word, paying closer attention to Izzie's talking than he ever did a lecture in school.

"He's interested in sports. He has quite the collection of balls. Soccer balls, basket balls baseballs. Plush ones anyway. When he's old enough, my friend at work knows this little baby soccer team for three year olds. I...I was going to put him in that..."

Her eyes flicked to the broken pelvis, and Alex winced, "You still can. He'll get better. Kid's with broken bones heal much faster than adults. And with less chance of re-fracture. It's...he'll be okay."

Izzie smiled gratefully, and concluded, "He's also loud when he wants to be. It's a bit of an issue at the daycare. We've been working on the whole inside-outside voice thing, but...it's slow going."

Alex smirked, "That might be my fault. Adam is pretty loud too. I mean, for a baby."

"Is he? That's...that's kind of funny," Izzie replied. Her expression was unreadable.

"Yeah," Alex agreed, looking at her seriously. "Thank you. For that."

Izzie nodded, and out of the corner of his eye, Alex spotted a familiar figure in the hallway. Oh, April. He felt bad, but a part of him dreaded the sight. Not because he was a jerk or whatever. He really didn't mean it to be. He only felt dread just because he'd had a nice moment with his son, and this was all going to remind him even more about just how complicated all this crap was. And Alex found that he was again super uncomfortable about Iz and his fiancee being in the same room again.

April opened the door to the room and stepped inside. Alex felt even more deflated when he saw that she was in her street clothes and Adam was strapped securely to her chest in his carry wrap. Instantly he felt guilty for his thoughts though. Even if he didn't want to further acknowledge the mess that all this was, it wasn't April or Adam's fault.

Alex rose to his feet and approached the door, "April? Everything alright?"

"Hey, sorry," April said quickly, glancing around the room uneasily, and gesturing to the hallway with one thumb. "Chief Hunt's letting me off early, so I am just gonna take him, and go home. Get dinner going and all that."

Adam kicked his feet and smiled, sucking his fingers happily, "Duudde. Udududumm."

Well, anyone would be hard pressed not to smile back at that. Alex grinned, and he was glad to see that even Izzie was looking at Adam with a soft expression.

"Okay," Alex nodded to April, reaching out and tickling Adam's chin. She looked immensely uncomfortable. Why couldn't she just freakin' text him? This was awkward enough. "Well, uh...that sounds good."

"Yeah," April nodded rapidly. "So...it'll be ready...when, um...when do you think you'll be home?"

Wincing Alex sighed and checked his watch. He had another small procedure in about fifteen minutes, and then he he had the rest of his shift until 8:30. And after that, he wanted to stop by Kyle's room one more time. He could tell April was feeling insecure. It was practically radiating from her.

But if Kyle woke up again, Alex wanted to be there. He wanted to start building some recognition with his son, so that they could have a relationship. Surely April would understand that.

"I get off at 8:30. Then I wanna check on him once more time," Alex gestured to the bed. "I'll probably make it home around 9 or 10, okay? Just save me a plate. Give my man an extra song at bed time for me."

"Oh," April nodded. "Yeah...okay. then, I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight."

Alex grinned. She did get it. He could always count on April.

"You bet," he leaned forward and kissed her cheek, as well as the top of Adam's head. "Thanks."

"S-see you later," April backed out of the room, looking over to Izzie awkwardly. "Have a goodnight, Izzie."

"You too," Iz nodded, pursing her lips.

Alex was relieved. Izzie and April seemed to be acting civilly towards each other. It wasn't like he'd expected some 'chicks gone wild' fight kind of thing, but he had expected them to be a little pissed. And maybe they were, but at least they were controlling themselves. His fiancee had almost retreated from the room, when Alex slapped a hand to his forehead. He'd almost forgotten.

"Hold on!" Alex beamed. "Guess what?"

April paused, "What?"

"Kyle woke up already, April," he explained eagerly. "He stayed awake for oh, 5 or 10 minutes?"

Izzie smiled, "Something like that."

"He's doing really well," Alex continued, squeezing April's shoulder. "You did a really good job with his surgery."

"That-that's great, Alex," April said, ducking her head before turning to leave the room.

He was so relieved that no all of them, both his kids, Izzie and April had managed to be in the same room, without out yelling or crap. Even though it was a short amount of time, Alex felt like it was a good thing. Maybe it boded well for the future. Maybe they could work this all out. Like, maybe someday, when Kyle was better or whatever, they could have him over for weekends and stuff. Or throw him birthday parties and all. Okay, Alex realized he was getting ahead of himself. He was just happy Kyle was doing okay.

However, if he wasn't so freaking excited about Kyle's continued recovery, Alex would have noticed that April's tone rang hollow.

* * *

Meredith and Cristina sat, side by side, on an abandoned gurney in the tunnels. Just like they had in the olden days as interns. Once, they had sat here with Izzie by their sides.

Finally after a long silence Meredith said, "This is a mess."

Cristina nodded, "I know."

"Such a mess."

"Total mess."

"Have you seen her yet?"

Cristina shrugged, "When she first came to the hospital last night. For like a split second. Not since. You?"

"Yeah," Meredith blinked and shook her head. "It was weird."

Cristina made a face and nodded.

"So are you going to see her?"

"Probably," the cardio surgeon replied. "It's probably going to be unavoidable."

"You don't want to see her?"

"Like you said, it's gonna be weird. I'll let the weird happen in it's own time."

That made sense actually. Meredith's encounter with Izzie today had been more than a a little disconcerting. At the same time, she'd gotten the opportunity to say some things she needed so, and that had been oddly therapeutic.

"She's different," Meredith said softly. "It's like, she's the same, but different."

"Well, duh. It's hardly surprising. Stuff's happened to her. She had a kid. And...boards and everything. We don't even know."

"But, we've all gone through stuff too."

"And we're different too. The same, but different."

"She just missed it all."

"Exactly."

Meredith sighed and looked straight ahead.

"I miss George," Cristina remarked.

"Me too."

"He'd know what to do."

Blinking back an unexpected wave of feeling as she thought of her departed friend, Meredith agreed, "He would."

* * *

"What am I doing?" April asked the little boy, strapped in his carrying wrap, as she quickly made her way across the parking lot her her parked car. "What on earth am I doing?"

Adam only grinned, drooling heavily, and reaching out to tangle his hand in April's hair. His response was an incomprehensible gurgle.

Kissing the top of his head with a shower of pecks and fighting back tears, April whispered, "I'm so sorry, baby. I should never have tried to use you like that. I'm so sorry. I promise I never will again."

"Dudum," Adam giggled. April smirked mistily. He might be finally getting the hang of his 'M' sounds.

April could have just texted or called Alex when she picked up Adam from daycare. It would have been easier. She really didn't know what she'd been thing thinking.

Well, she did. April had wanted to make Izzie jealous. She'd wanted to make the other woman feel as jealous as she did, and April had tried to do it by throwing her own perfectly healthy child with Alex in his ex wife's face. By making Izzie watch Alex walk away from Kyle for the evening in favor of Adam. Which somehow in her mind equaled Alex walking out on Izzie in favor of April.

Which was so incredibly stupid, and just wrong that April felt disgusted with herself. She'd used her little boy. She'd used him in a misguided attempt to make someone else feel pain. The lowest of the low things she could do, if April really thought about it. She hated that she'd wanted to do something like that. And she hated herself more, when she realized that her plan hadn't worked at all.

Because Alex would be staying extra at the hospital tonight. With Kyle. And Izzie.

She knew she should be happy that the boy had woken up. She was actually. It was all looking very good for an uncomplicated recovery. He didn't have an infection and he'd remained conscious for a period of time that exceeded three minutes. Top signs. But April was mad that Alex wasn't going to be home with Adam for the night. This would be the second night in a row that the little boy's routine was messed up. And over the past 6 months, they'd found that Adam thrived on routines. Plus, the odds of Kyle waking up again tonight might not be that high. So really Alex was opting to sit vigil next to a child who was literally unconscious, over the chance to interact with someone who was wide awake and needed a father too.

April knew these thoughts were unfair. She knew it wasn't as simple as all of that. She just couldn't stop herself from thinking them.

Opening the doors to her car, April carefully buckled Adam into his car seat, talking quietly to him, "I don't think anyone has told you yet...Adam, you have a big brother. His name is Kyle."

Adam babbled and April nodded, pretending to know what he was saying.

"I know, it's kind of a shock. He has a different mommy than you do," April continued making a fish face at the baby.

He gasped and laughed.

"I agree. You get me. You're the lucky brother," she joked, buckling the last strap and moving to the front seat. "I don't want you to worry, because it won't be that different. I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but I will make sure of that for you. Okay?"

Glancing into the rear view mirror, April chuckled and Adam struggled to pull his foot to his mouth.

"I always wanted a big brother when I was little, you know. And then I grew up and got Jackson. And he's really great."

April could admit that Jackson was like a brother to her. And that knowing he had her back was one of the best confidence boosts she'd had in her residency. She could only hope that Kyle and Adam would have a good enough relationship so that her son could experience that sort of feeling. Because it was nice to have.

After locking the car doors, April guiltily pulled her phone from her pocket. Jackson and countless others were probably trying to have her back today. She'd just ignored it all. Because for some reason, she felt embarrassed about all of it. Even thought she knew she really had no reason to feel like that. It just felt like she was the one who looked stupid in all of this. Because it seemed like everyone in the hospital that had been there pre-merger somehow knew about the frozen embryos. Cristina and Mer had obviously known. Bailey and Dr. Shepherd. Even Webber. Everybody knew but her.

At the same time, April believed what Alex had told her the previous night. It wasn't an easy thing to talk about, and he hadn't had any reason to believe it was a part of his past that might come back. So, he'd chosen not to tell her. She just felt stupid.

Sure enough, April's phone was filled with messages and voice mail. Jackson, Meredith, and even Cristina had contacted her throughout the day. Even Mara had sent an sympathetic text. Glaringly absent, were messages from Alex however. April shook herself. She didn't mean to be bitter. He'd had 3 surgeries that day, and he was never big on sending little texts anyway. She was the one who did that. It would be reading too much into it to assume that today's low contact meant anything, right?

Sighing April rested her head against the steering wheel. She didn't feel like driving home yet, so continued flicking through her phone and her eyes paused on one simple, but unexpected message. From Lexie Grey of all people, all the way down in Portland.

_'Hey, Mer told me what's going on. I kind of know where you are coming from and how you might be feeling right now. It gets better, I promise. I'm here for you. Call me anytime."_

April stated at the text. She and Lexie had never been the closest of friends by any stretch of the imagination. At first April had hated the younger Grey. Lexie had stolen her precious diary and humiliated her in front of Dr. Shepherd and God knows who else on her very first day of work at Seattle Grace. And April had known all the while when Lexie was dating Jackson that she was in love with Mark Sloan, so it was all really just leading her best friend along. She'd even tried to convince her sister that April didn't deserve to live in the house.

But at the same time, Lexie had been the one who'd helped Alex during the shooting. And the other woman had been amazingly nice and helpful during April's whole recovery after the earthquake. Then when Lexie had taken over April's position as chief resident they'd bonded. She actually missed Lexie when she'd gone off to Portland for her fellowship. And right now, the prospect of talking to someone who actually knew how she was feeling was appealing to April.

Jackson couldn't know what it was like. Neither could Meredith or Cristina. Certainly not Mara. She wasn't even entirely sure how Lexie knew, but the prospect of a sympathetic ear was too much to pass up, for April. Even if Lexie wasn't her closest friend.

Biting her lip, April impulsively dialed Lexie's number. She sighed in relief when she heard the phone pick up, "Uh, hello? Lexie? Hi."

The tears that had been threatening all since her retreat from Kyle Stevens room overflowed in full force, "It's April."

 


	14. Chapter 14

Amber lowered her salad fork and gaped across the table at her older brother, "Dude! You can't be serious."

"As a heart attack," Alex sniffed and nodded.

"You have another kid?"

"I do."

She was obviously stunned about everything, with Kyle and Izzie and the car accident and all, and he felt bad that she was only just finding out all the details now. The past week had kind of been crazy for all of them. For Amber because she was rapidly approaching finals. Adam because he was in the midst of cutting a new tooth. And then Alex had been busy dealing with the whole mess that life was these days. He felt bad because April was kind of just along for the ride.

He could tell how uncomfortable she'd been in the week, and Alex was a little worried, but frankly he hadn't had the time or energy left to deal with it. Not with everything so tight at work, and extra time spent with Kyle as he started basic physical therapy. Izzie allowed him to go to the sessions alone with Kyle, and he thought it was going a long way to helping Kyle understand who Alex was, and what "Daddy's" did.

They hadn't told him much, and the two year old didn't seem unhappy to suddenly have some new dude hanging out who said he was Daddy. Kid was confused but that was understandable. Alex could tell Iz didn't really want to tell the boy the truth, but she'd given him the opportunity and so of course he took it. But going to physical therapy was a big commitment. And, since Bobby was currently only strengthening the leg and trunk muscles in advance of the removal of Kyle's casts, the commitment would probably only grow.

April seemed to be doing well enough. She was quiet, but she always saved him a plate of dinner, and curled up close to him at night, if nothing else. Yesterday, she'd even suggested he take Adam along, so the he and Kyle could get used to each other, and so Alex could spend much needed time with his baby. That had gone pretty well too. Kyle seemed much more excited about having his very own 'brubah' than he did about having a father actually. Probably the drugs.

But Alex knew that this was all pretty hard on his fiancee. The only solace he could find in the situation was that, despite the mess, things between them still felt better than they had before their big fight in the spring. Alex wasn't shutting April out and hiding his feelings. The counselling had helped. They were holding it together. Alex just figured it was a good thing that he and April had a session with Dr. Wyatt scheduled in two days.

So, with all of that crap, his sister had ended up horribly out of the loop, and April had suggested that they go out to lunch that weekend as a family, and explain to her exactly how she had another nephew.

Alex watched a variety of expressions cross Amber's face as he sat across from her at the Olive Garden table. Beside him, April crunched away on the salad, alternately texting like a mad woman or making faces at Adam, and allowing Alex to field things with his sister. The young woman blinked, and shook her head.

"No way."

Alex shrugged, "Way."

"This just like Jerry Springer!" Amber exclaimed, taking a huge bite of her bread stick.

He scowled, "It's not like Jerry Springer."

Chewing and swallowing, she shook her head, "Oh, it so is."

"It's not."

Amber looked pensive before she nodded in agreement, "No, you're right. This is more like Maury."

April rolled her eyes, and Alex fumed, "My life is nothing like a freaking tv show, Amber!"

Alex didn't like the way she made his life seem so...cut and dried. Seedy. He hated seeing his new family compared to that crap. Low class and ignorant and everything he could have become if he hadn't gotten his wrestling scholarship and gotten the hell out of their neighborhood in Davenport. Everything Amber might have become if she'd never gone to St. Xavier's or UW.

"Oh, this has got Maury written all over it," Amber retorted before throwing her voice into a deep tone and impersonating the talk show host. "On today's episode we have two little boys, one surgeon Dad. I mean, dude, you've got baby mama drama."

April chocked on her drink and flushed, ducking her head.

"Amber this is a really big deal-" Alex began heatedly. He got that she was still processing, but the jokes were making everyone at the table feel tense.

"Oh, I know it is," his sister snapped, getting worked up and barely drawing in a breath before she continued. "I just don't get how the bitch didn't tell you anything? I mean, first she freaking left you, and then what? She decides you're not worth being married to, but oh yeah, okay, your sperm's good enough, so whatever, she decides to have your kid. Who does that? Bitch!"

Alex pinched the bridge of his nose. The way his sister was saying stuff. It wasn't like any of it wasn't true exactly. But it still kind of hurt to think that his life really had descended to the level of bad tv fodder. But from a certain level, that is exactly what it was. Izzie had dumped him,  _and_  used him.

"Language, Amber!" April finally spoke up, gesturing to Adam's high chair. "Please."

The girl winced apologetically but argued, "He's not even saying Dada yet, all he does now is sound like a bro, "Duuuude". I doubt 'bitch' will be his next big breakthrough. Besides, it's the right word for her, April. "

April shook her head and enthusiastically speared another bite of salad, "Well, like it or not, Izzie Stevens is your other nephew's mother, so you probably shouldn't get used to talking about her that way."

Alex thought the sentiment was logical enough, but he was disconcerted by the flat tone of April's voice. Like she was reciting something from a script or chart. April didn't usually talk like that. Normally the force behind her words was sincere and genuine.

The empty tone bothered him. That voice was not the April that Alex loved. He'd have rather have April calling Iz a bitch, or cussing him out, or crying or whatever it was she probably really wanted to do, over this stilted crap.

Scratching the back of her head, Amber scowled, "I guess."

The waitress came with the food then, and for a few moments the conversation stalled as the three adults dug into their pasta. Alex sighed and watched April out of the corner of his eye. She was texting again, and he had to wonder who it was she was conversing with.

Probably Avery. Maybe Mer. Or one of the sisters. Or all of the above. Alex was just glad she was talking to someone. It made him feel guilty when he thought about it because, while he was talking to her as much as he could about all his feelings and crap about all of this, April had actually said very little to him about her own response.

After eating silently for a few moments, Amber took a big bite of spaghetti and turned on her brother, "And you really should have read your divorce papers more carefully, Alex. This all could have been avoided if you had just fought her on the whole embryo custody thing."

"Well, I didn't actually think she'd go ahead and use them," Alex grumbled into his plate. "At the time I wasn't exactly in a good place."

Adam eyed the plates of food hungrily and squealed, opening his mouth wide when his mother offered him a spoon of baby food. The taste didn't quite meet his satisfaction though, because as soon as it hit his tongue, he scowled and spit it out, flailing out towards April's plate and looking at the table longingly. He'd been starting to show more than a little interest in solid foods, and they'd been gradually introducing him to stuff at home.

Evidently Adam didn't like that pace. He was over the Gerber jars.

"You don't want your food-food? Why not? It's so tasty-wasty," she cooed, in that high pitched baby talk way that usually got on Alex's nerves.

Adam wasn't buying it. He fussed and moved his head trying to dodge the spoon.

Right now, Alex was just happy to hear some animation in his girlfriend's voice. Lately it was only directed to Adam. Watching the scene still made Alex happy, despite everything going on. He realized that he had so much more now than he'd had four years ago when Izzie divorced him. He had everything he wanted now, and he'd had no way of seeing that coming at the time.

2010 had really been a crap year all around. Cancer crap, O'Malley dying, the merger, Izzie leaving and coming back, and leaving again. Divorce papers in the freaking mail. Alex's 2010 was rock bottom. And  _then_  he'd gotten shot.

Alex sighed and turned back to his sister, "I really didn't think Izzie would do it."

"It's like a smoking gun though," Amber snarked, using her fingers to air quote. "I mean, why would she care about 'embryo custody' at all if she didn't want to use them? Why not just have them destroyed?"

That thought, even now, years after the divorce just felt wrong to Alex somehow. Especially since Kyle was already here. Now, he wasn't some freakin' pro-lifer, or any crap like that. He believed that people should do what they wanted. Chicks should have control of their own bodies and all that. But for this it was different. Freakin' embryos. They weren't going into anyone's body without a lot of work. And Alex knew that at the time they divorced, the one thing they'd probably have agreed upon was not destroying the specimens.

Because Izzie and Alex had held on to some small hope that they still might be able to patch it up again in the future.

"Neither of us wanted to do that. I mean, at the time I thought that maybe we'd still-" Alex spoke without thinking before he cut himself off.

Too late though. His unspoken admission had not been missed. By either April or Amber. His fiancee, sniffed and nervously pulled a lock of hair behind her ear, as she concentrated far too much on the plate in front of her. He felt bad. It wasn't like now he'd ever want to get back on the Izzie train or whatever. Been there, done that. Didn't even get the lousy t-shirt. April might be a little crazy sometimes, but she wasn't like Iz. Alex knew that she was probably the person he was meant to stick with all along. Amber raised her eyebrows.

"Well, it's still incredibly stupid," she remarked. "And it totally bit you in the ass-"

"Seriously?" April set her jaw and gestured to Adam.

"Not gonna be his next catch phrase..."

"Maybe not, but I'd still appreciate it if you were more careful about how you speak in front of him. He might not be parroting things yet, but he is learning a lot about language when he hears us speak around him."

"Fine, but-" Amber argued. "Again, it's the right use of the word. Seems like Alex didn't get squat in that settlement. And on top of that he gets a surprise kid."

"Whatever, so I didn't get a good deal in the divorce," Alex rationalized quickly, trying to diffuse the disagreement. "I don't give a damn. No need to dwell on in now."

"You are getting a lawyer, right?" Amber asked seriously. "For this? She's screwed you once before over this kid, you know she'll do it again."

"Uh," Alex replied. "I don't know. I mean, since I signed over the embryos in the first place I don't think I have a leg to stand on anyway..."

April shook her head, "Actually, there's really not that much judicial precedent in family law regarding frozen embryos. It's too new, and even when custody is awarded, not many of the specimens end up becoming real live children. If you did get a lawyer and this went to court, I think Kyle's case might be one of the first like this in the state."

Alex and Amber both turned to face April with slack jaws. Adam grunted loudly and opened his mouth, evidently deciding that he was hungry enough that baby food was better than no food at all.

As April offered him another spoon, and as the brother and sister at the table continued to stare, she shrugged, "What? I did a little research..."

Alex couldn't help but beam a little. He didn't know why he was actually surprised that she had researched stuff, or why it made him so immensely happy. But it totally freaking did. Maybe because it made him feel like April actually had his back. That she might not be happy about all this crap, but at least she cared. It just felt good.

But the whole topic of lawyers made him nervous. The last thing Alex wanted to was piss his ex-wife off. She was already spooked enough with all the car crash and having to come clean about Kyle stuff, and Alex just knew that it would only make things worse. Iz had the keys to Kyle in every sense. He got that Amber and April might be worried about Iz trying to take Kyle away from him or whatever, but he was sure that he Izzie better than they did, right? Legal crap would only scare her off.

"Look," Alex said neutrally. "This isn't the time to worry about legal crap. Kyle needs to get better. And he needs to get to know us. I'm just taking it step by step."

"Get to know us?" Amber asked, glancing around the table incredulously. April's expression was closed off.

"Yeah. Kyle is your nephew as much as Adam is."

Amber pursed her lips and shook her head, "It's not the same."

"That's not his fault," Alex growled, not happy with the reluctance in his sister's voice. He just didn't get her reaction to all of this. Kyle was as innocent in this as you could possibly be.

"I know it's not," she replied quietly. "And I know it makes me an unfeeling tool, but I...I don't know. You just...you offered me free food and then dump all this crap on me. I don't know how I feel about him yet. I'm not ready to meet him or anything..."

"April's met him," Alex added in the hopes of making his sister seem a little more open to the whole idea.

Though his last statement wasn't entirely true, he realized. April glared at him. She had 'met' Adam only in so much as she had saved his life on the operating table. And then visited his room a few times when he was asleep. And even then, Alex realized that he had never seen her go beyond the doorway.

"I don't think that Alex is saying you have to meet him right now," April cut in wearily. "He just wants you to know what's happened and to understand that it's not going to go away anytime soon."

Alex frowned. A meeting actually was exactly what he had had in mind. He wanted Kyle to start knowing that there was more to his family than just Robbie and Izzie Stevens. That he had a Dad who loved him, and a baby brother, and an Aunt and an...well, an April. He sighed. Alex supposed that from her perspective, this was trickier than he realized.

Step-mother's didn't always have the best reputation, but he thought that his fiancee was one of the kindest people she knew. How could she not love his other child? Even if it took time. But maybe she was right. He probably shouldn't pus his sister until she was ready.

"Fine, whatever," his sister sighed.

After a beat, she ventured, glancing anxiously between April and Alex and sounding younger than she had in years, "So...um, where does all this put things between you guys? With the wedding and everything?"

Alex caught April's eye. The wedding had not been a topic broached since Kyle's unexpected reveal. Through their therapy with Dr. Wyatt, they'd actually gotten to the point where talk of the wedding was more realistic. They'd started thinking that maybe they could pull off a nice summer wedding. Nothing too fancy. Just a nice, maybe outdoor type of thing. April had even started talking with her family about dates. But now? They hadn't talked about it, but Alex saw no reason why things should change.

Alex realized that April was looking at him expectantly, and he swallowed. Guess she wanted him to take the lead.

"Uh," Alex began awkwardly. "Like I said, one thing at a time."

He winced as he heard the sound of April's fork hitting the edge of her plate reached his ears. He was screwing this up. Damn it.

"But!" Alex held up a hand. "When it comes to me and April, this doesn't change anything."

Amber chuckled a little and tilted her head to one side, as though she was calling his bluff on the whole thing. But he wasn't bluffing. He might have no idea what to do with this mess, but one thing was sure. April was going to be his wife. He was going to give her the wedding she dreamed of. Slipping his hand tentatively through April's, Alex ran his thumb soothingly along her palm.

"Okay, so it does change some things," he admitted. "Just not the important stuff."

He meant it.

That was probably what both the ladies needed to freaking hear, because the rest of the lunch was much more ordinary. April had squeezed his hand and the subject of Kyle dropped. They talked about Adam's latest milestones, cool surgeries and how Amber was doing in school. When they were finally finished, Alex slapped their cash on the table and followed Amber, April, and Adam into the parking lot.

"You sure you don't want a ride back to campus?" Alex asked, rubbing his cold hands together and wondering where the hell he left his gloves. It was freaking cold.

"Nah," Amber shook her head, pulling her hat down over hear ears. "I can take the bus. I am meeting Quincy and Sean at Westlake to shop. Thanks anyway, though."

She leaned forward, bending to where Adam sat in April's arms. Amber tickled him and kissed his nose, "You will always be my favorite nephew, buddy."

"Don't say that!" Alex hissed, ready to chastise his sister.

"Leave it," April whispered.

They both watched as the young woman dashed toward the bus stop with a small wave, "Catch you later! I promise to grab my laundry from your place sometime this weekend okay?"

Once they were all in the car, Alex shook his head, "That kid...too much of a smart ass for her own good. I can't believe she'd be so weird about all of this."

April leaned her head on the window and rubbed her forehead, "It  _is_  weird."

"Well, yeah but that's no reason to act like Kyle is some sort of...I don't know, outlaw or freak or something. He just a kid. And he is a blood Karev, so why does she-"

"Some of us can't just jump into this so quickly, Alex!" his fiancee snapped. Her tone made Adam cry and she reached back to comfort him before she continued in a quieter voice. "We can't just flip a switch and be okay with all of this. Maybe you can, but I...er, I mean, but Amber...she...might need a little time to flip that switch."

He jumped the outburst, knowing that it was as much about her own feelings as Amber's. He winced, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," April mumbled, crossing her arms.

In general, Alex liked to stay away from as much emotional crap as he could. He didn't know how to deal with it most of the time, and for the vast majority of people in the world, he didn't care anyway. People could deal with their own crap and leave Alex out of it. Only, April's emotions  _were_  ones he cared about. Deeply.

And Dr. Wyatt had told him to try to be more vulnerable and whatever. To try to communicate when he just wanted to shut down. Alex pursed his lips and tapped the steering wheel, watching April carefully out of the corner of his eye.

"I, uh...it's cool that you looked up stuff," he ventured pulling the car into gear and backing out of the parking lot. "About lawyers and whatever...I really, um, appreciate that."

"We..." she shrugged and swallowed. "You should probably think about getting one, at least. Just to be safe."

"Yeah..." Alex said absently, watching with the hint of a smile as Adam dozed off in the back seat, his head falling to one side and his chubby cheek sagging little. Right now, he wasn't worried about lawyering up.

He'd hoped that by offering an opening of sorts, April would latch on and spill everything going on behind those eyes of hers. When she stayed quiet as they zoomed along the I-5, he sighed. No such luck.

Alex realized he'd have to bite the bullet and be more direct, "April, work with me here. I feel like I don't know what's going on with you. What are you, uh...can you please tell me what you are feeling?"

Picking at the nail of one finger, April looked distraught, "I don't know, Alex! I just don't know. Lexie...I've been talking with her and...Lexie says it takes time to process, when something like this happens. It did for her. I-I think I'm processing."

Alex frowned slightly, glad to hear that April was as confused about all of this as he suspected, but guilty that it was kind of his fault that she felt the way she did. This was all crap. He supposed it was good that April was talking to Lex. Little Grey was the only other person he could think of who might know how April felt.

Or, in lieu of having clear feelings, Lexie could understand how April was processing. Processing. Strange. Alex felt a little envious. He didn't have time to process crap. He'd just had to jump in, get on board, and get to know Kyle. But both fiancee and ex-wife were 'processing'.

Izzie had said almost the same thing to him on the day Kyle woke up. What was it with chicks and needing to process? And how long would it take?

"Okay," Alex replied softly, reaching one hand across to hold April's. "That's okay. It's not easy."

"No," April swallowed. "Alex?"

"What?"

"Did you...did you mean what you said at the table? About us, and the wedding and everything?"

"Hell yes! No matter what happens, April, this doesn't change the important stuff about our family. I promise."

Alex wasn't sure she looked like she believed him, but he was determined through all of this to make his words true.

* * *

Dr. Wyatt was not an easy woman to surprise. Today, April thought they'd finally succeeded. Not that the woman was easy to read. Her poker face was immaculate. However, her pen hand was not. It froze, the quick scribble coming to a grinding halt. Alex had just explained the whole thing to the therapist as soon as the session started, and Wyatt still seemed to be taking it all in. Bit of a departure from the planned trust exercises.

"Well," she said finally, recrossing her leg and leaning back. "This certainly is a lot to take in. How are you both coping?"

"Fine," April replied quickly.

Alex shrugged, "Whatever."

It was almost laughable, April realized. Their default answers. So obviously very far from the truth.

Sighing heavily, Wyatt shook her head, "Let's try that again. I can't help you if you are not honest with me."

April stared at her hands guiltily. She concentrated on the pattern of the couch beneath her legs, and the soft bubbling of the aquarium to her right. Talking about this was supposed to help, she knew. Dr. Wyatt was a professional after all. But April still felt inexplicably embarrassed over people finding out the truth about everything. Even though she'd played no real part in it at all besides doing her job. She hadn't even told her parents or sisters about Kyle yet.

Before, April had been disappointed that she an Alex had made the decision to spend Adam's first Thanksgiving in Seattle, saving up time off and cash for a big Christmas visit. Now she was kind of glad that she could put off facing the stares, and the pity and the judgement. This was going to change what people back home thought of her. April knew it wasn't supposed to matter. She knew she wasn't supposed to care about what other people thought. But she did.

And she knew that Cook was already making judgements about her. They always had. First for being too whiny. Too whimpy. Too quiet. Too much of a cry baby. Too much of a book worm. Too ambitious. Not loyal enough to the town to stay there. Too weird for someone to love. Too naive to recognize and avoid a damaged guy when she saw one. And too distasteful not to get knocked up before the wedding.

Now to find out that Alex had an ex-wife and a secret kid? Cook probably hadn't had that good of a gossip topic since Sally Peters found out that Tommy Peter's had cheated on her and she'd followed him with a shot gun right into the barbershop and tried to...well. Good thing the aim was off, and it had resulted in nothing more than a broken mirror, a framed bullet hole on Mr. Henner's wall, and a shattered marriage. But it was big news at the time. And that was in 1975. April wasn't even alive at the time, but she knew the story. People were still talking about it.

April knew the way that people in town still looked at Sally Peters too. Even now. Like she was some crazed person who shot barbershop mirrors. They'd all known about the cheating too. She'd always thought it was one of those ridiculous small town stories, but now thought she could finally understand some of what the poor woman must have been feeling that day. Not that Alex had cheated. He hadn't. And April didn't want to shoot anyone.

She just didn't want her home don to look at her differently. April thought she understood Sally now, on a gut level.

Actually, she knew Wyatt would say that this was all probably just projecting, but April didn't care. It was jarring, and absolutely gut wrenching to have your life suddenly changed. Especially when the change had nothing to do with you. Completely out of your hands. That's where April thought the embarrassment came in.

Lexie said it best on the phone, during that first call, "You feel like you've been hoodwinked."

Exactly.

April was immensely glad that her friend had reached out to her, and she was irrationally grateful that the younger Grey would be arriving in Seattle soon to spend Thanksgiving with her family. She seemed to be the  _only_  person who April could really talk to about all of this. She'd texted her more in the past 9 days than they probably had in the previous three months. And called more too.

Mark had even made a small joke in the attendings lounge, "You hear from my girlfriend more than I do."

April hated to feel so needy. Lexie assured her that it was okay, and completely normal. But it wasn't something April was proud of.

"Uh, well..." Alex opened up first, lifting his eyes to Dr. Wyatt's. "I think we are just doing the best we can. I know I am. It's a lot. For me, a lot of it has been trying to get, you know, like a bond with my son and get him used to my family being in his life or whatever..."

April swallowed. There was nothing wrong with that. There really wasn't. She knew that she shouldn't begrudge him that. Even if he had left her with a sobbing teething infant earlier in the week. Alex really wanted to get to know Kyle, and she thought it was a wonderful thing, but there was a part of her that still unhappy that the situation was necessary.

Wyatt nodded at Alex's words, pausing to scribble something in her notes, "And that is very important to you?"

"Yeah? He's my son," he replied in irritation. "I'm not going to be one of those dead beat Dad's who just...forgets about his kids."

"You don't want to be like your father," Wyatt stated calmly.

"No."

"So you've been spending time at here, at the hospital with Kyle?"

Alex shrugged, "Yeah, getting to know him and whatever. Iz has kind of been letting me hangout with him during his therapy sessions. And after this, she is letting me spend the afternoon with him. Her mother is getting discharged so she's gotta take her home."

April bit her lip and tried not to react too much to Alex talking about Izzie. And seeing Izzie. Jumping when she said jump. Her eyes darted around the room. She knew she was being bitter. It was ugly and it made her feel disgusted with herself. She didn't want to be this person. She didn't want to be consumed with envy and resentment. It just kept creeping up on her.

Blinking again, April realized she was being spoken to. She'd tuned out a lot of the room around her for a significant amount of time, based on Alex's and the therapist's expressions. Shifting, she twisted her hands in her lap, "I'm sorry, what?"

"I asked how you are handling all of this, April?"

Knowing that the furious bounce of her good leg would give her away, April futility mumbled, "Fine."

She could feel Alex's gaze to her left, boring into her like he had radar for what she was trying to hide. That made April feel just that much worse. He'd been so good about this. He'd been honest and open with her. No secrets. No omissions. No avoiding emotionally difficult topics. He'd even actively been trying to talk to her about all of this. Not his usual assortment of grumbles and whatevers. Alex wanted to  _really_  talk. Mere months ago, April would have been overjoyed at his growth. She was immensely proud, but for her at least, this might be the one time emotionally obtuse Alex would have been preferable.

Because April still found it all hard to deal with, much less talk about with the person who made all of this a part of her life.

"Fine?" Dr. Wyatt, tilted her head from side to side, weighing the word. "So, it doesn't bother you that Alex has been spending more time at the hospital? I'd imagine that means he is home a lot less."

"I'm doing the best I freaking-"

Wyatt shook her head, cutting Alex off with nothing more than a purposefully lifted finger, before she continued, "I'd imagine he's inadvertently spending a lot more time with his ex-wife as a result. And I think that would leave you alone a lot taking care of the baby, right?"

April shrugged picking at the edge of one fingernail. Hearing it all listed out like that made her chest feel tight.

"And you are fine with that?"

When April didn't reply Alex shifted in his seat making the couch creak. She crossed her arms and stared at her hands uncertain as to how to reply. She knew that she very much wasn't fine with any of this. But she also thought that knowing that would hurt Alex. He had enough to deal with, and this situation was obviously a lot for him to deal with. She didn't want to add to his long list of worries.

"No," April admitted in a small voice. "But I wish I was. I want to be fine."

"I am glad that you can admit you're not," Wyatt stated evenly. "And that you feel that being fine is a place you want to be. I have some thoughts on that, but first I want to push you a little further. If you're not fine, then where are you?"

"Processing," Alex muttered, nudging April's shoulder, in an unexpectedly kind way.

"What's that?" the therapist asked.

"She's processing," he repeated turning to April and smirking. "Like a freaking old school computer. We'll just give her time for her emotions to buffer and it'll all be fine."

The joke was pretty bad, and it only got worse, but April couldn't help but laugh at her boyfriend.

Alex held up his right hand and waggled this fingers suggestively, "If not, I'll just press the old control+alt+delete, and we'll be back in business."

April giggled, "Right."

Dr. Wyatt watched the exchange with a wrinkled nose, "I am sure you would know all the right buttons to press Alex, but getting back on track...What kinds of emotions are you feeling, during this whole processing...process, if you will?"

Alex snorted at the pun, "Good one Wyatt."

"I try," the therapist said absently, never taking her eyes off of the woman in front of her.

Opening her mouth, April paused and her eyes darted to Alex. He looked at her earnestly with his sparkling gaze.

"It's okay," he mouthed. "Whatever you are feeling. Just say it."

That, combined with the joke, seemed to put April at east and the words came out of her mouth reluctantly, "Sometimes...I feel...jealous."

"Of who?" Wyatt probed. "Does Kyle's bedside time with his father remind you of your own recovery? Alex was at your beside then? Or is it the ex? Do you feel a little territorial?"

April fidgeted uncomfortably. She hadn't really thought of the Kyle angle before, and she knew that Wyatt had a point, but the problem really was his mother, "It's Izzie. Alex talks to her a lot now and..."

"You don't like that because you think that maybe you're afraid they might rediscover their old connection?"

Alex shook his head vigorously, "That is not going to happen. I swear."

"It's not that I am afraid you're going to do anything," April clarified suddenly more sure of some of her feelings. "I'm...I am afraid. "

"What are your fears then?" Dr. Wyatt pressed.

"I-" April stammered. "It's just...she...Izzie...Alex, she had you first, and there's just...I know you love so  _so_  deeply. When you let someone into your life you have this amazingly deep capacity to love and I-I adore that about you...but-"

She didn't mean to cry. She didn't want to cry. But April felt tears prick her eyes none the less.

"And you can't l-love that much and th-then just turn it off, no matter what the other person did to you. Even your Dad. Certainly Izzie. And...it's just too similar that we have a baby and she has a baby...if she'd never have left...I guess I can't help but think what if things had been different? You would have had almost exactly the same life with her that you have w-with me and I just- I always thought it would just be us, and I'm afraid you'll like her version better."

Alex's brow furrowed and his hung his head, "Our life is different, April. I love you, and I am with you, and I only wanna be with you. Nothing else freakin' matters, alright. It's all coulda, woulda, shoulda. It didn't happen. I'm only interested in dealing with what did happen. The rest is just crap."

Tentatively he reached out and wrapped an arm around April's shoulder, pulling her close and letting her rest her head on his shoulder. Dr. Wyatt quietly observed, writing a few more notes on her legal pad. April reveled in the comfort of Alex's embrace, and his words really had made her feel lighter. In fact, sharing some of what she felt made things seem better somehow. She still didn't know what the hell she was doing, but that didn't matter as much because Alex was okay with her feelings.

After a moment, April wiped her eyes and ventured, "Well, now that's off my chest..."

"Yeah...it's good, uh, right Dr. Wyatt?"

"It is. I think we can all take a moment to acknowledge the tremendous progress you two have made over the course of our work together. I am just really impressed with what I am seeing happen here," she gestured with her pen between them. "This was an example of really good communication. First I sensed a little resistance from April, but Alex was sympathetic to that and helped to create a safe space, and I think that these are exactly the kind of tools you'll both need to use to get through this challenge."

Alex straightened his shoulders and puffed out his chest a little, and April lifted her head. It was funny how much he resisted coming to Wyatt in the first place, because now it seemed that she had earned his respect.

"You need to support each other," Wyatt continued. "You've both expressed primary responses and concerns to this situation. Alex, you want to make sure that you're a good parent, and April, you...I think you're jealousy is actually a part of grieving. You are grieving the like you imagined for yourself. You've done it before, it's hard and it's freaking you out. So, Alex is concerned with family building, and April is grieving."

April sighed and nodded gratefully. Other than Lexie, Wyatt's articulation of how she felt was the closest to the real turmoil filled whirlpool that swirled within her chest.

"The way forward, is by supporting each other, and that might take you both a little out of your comfort zone. As we saw today. But I want you to embrace it. I think that if you both keep utilizing the skills you have developed in the course of our work, you will weather this very well. Now, we're almost out of time, so we'll have to wrap it up, but I want to hear about some good communication happening between you two the next time we meet, okay?"

After murmured thank yous, Alex and April left Dr. Wyatt's office hand in hand. April was still a little shaky after her admission, but she couldn't stop thinking about the psychologist's last advice. In order for the two of them to get through this as a couple they needed to help each other out. They had to create a safe place to handle this. And it was going to require operating outside of situations that were comfortable.

When they reached the elevator, Alex smiled sadly and looked at his watch, "I know you have to go grab Adam before you go home, and Iz is leaving at 1 o'clock, so...I should probably go down to recovery to hangout a little bit...I, uh, I won't stay that long though. I'll come back for dinner, I promise."

April squeezed his hand. He seemed nervous. Apologetic when he didn't have to be. He was trying to get through this, and he was trying to do the best he could for everyone involved. And even if it was hard, April realized that she could too. She wanted too. Even when it wasn't comfortable. And what she was about to do wasn't going to be comfortable at all.

Straightening her shoulders, April made a decision and shook her head, "No...I am going to get Adam. But then I am going to bring him to Kyle's room...and...I am going to stay."

Utter shock and no small amount of pride spread across Alex's face, "Really?"

She tentatively grinned back, "Yes. We'll...we'll all hangout...if...if that is okay?"

"Hell yeah it is!" Alex grinned. "I want you to meet Kyle. Really meet him."

* * *

Alex flipped through the kids channel's in the peds recovery ward as Kyle fussed around on the bed in agitation, crying for his mother. He'd been recovering well and sleeping less and it seemed like the boy was getting restless.

"Hey, hey," he distracted looking at the tv. "Look here! What do you wanna watch?"

"Want Mommy!" Kyle whined, shoving at the stuff animals and ipad on his bed.

"She'll be back soon, kiddo, but come on, we going with Blue's Clues or...uh, Arthur?"

The child flopped back on his bed and moaned, working his way up to a proper tantrum. Alex shook his head. For a kid who basically had three immobile limbs, Kyle sure could flail and twist up the blankets. Freakin' impressive.

He pressed a the remote firmly, "Blue's Clues it is then."

"Boocoo," Kyle agreed, tiring of squirming and deciding instead to turn to the tablet in front of him and use his good hand to poke at the screen.

It was crazy how used to technology kids were these days. What was the good of it? Back in the day you had to play a sport of be creative or whatever. Nowadays it was angry freaking birds?

Alex sniffed and ran a hand down the back of his head. Then again, maybe the kid's behavior wasn't entirely his own fault. It was a crap deal. He'd been in the hospital for nine days. His mom couldn't be there all the time, and his days were spent with new and unknown people poking and prodding him all day, asking him to flex this muscle or that one. And then this weird dude comes by everyday. And Alex knew today that he wasn't the most calm.

He and April had just finished a therapy session. And where he'd kind of expected things to crash and burn, they'd actually gone really well. Like  _really_  well. Because April had decided to join him this afternoon in Kyle's room. Something she'd  _never_  expressed interest in before. It was like admitting that she did feel jealous had lifted a barrier or whatever.

Soon enough, the door opened, and Alex smiled as his wife leaned her head through the door, clad in street clothes, carrying a drowsy Adam in her arms. He rose to his feet and beckoned her into the room. She tentatively stepped in, carefully schooling her features. Alex could tell she was nervous, but she was doing a good job around the kids.

"Hi there!" April said, as brightly as she could.

Alex took the lead, "Look Kyle! It's someone new coming to play today. I want you to meet April."

He didn't want to try going into some sort of explanation as to who April was. He figured it was too complex. Poor kid had been asked to take in a lot already. Hurt body. Father. Little brother. To be honest, Alex wasn't even sure that the boy grasped who Alex was. Kyle didn't call him Daddy. He didn't call Alex anything, and only pointed or whined when he needed his father's attention. He probably just associated him with being sick and in the hospital.

Kyle's eyes lifted from his game briefly, staring at April with a serious expression. She smiled kindly at him and ventured to the side of the bed.

The boy pointed to Adam and shouted, "Baby! Baby!"

Grinning, April hoisted her son onto the bed over the safety railings. She kept a careful hand on Adam's back, preventing him from jostling any of Kyle's casts and let the two children size each other up. Alex beamed and had to wipe some dust from his freaking eye. Both his sons were sitting together, and it was awesome. He couldn't resist taking a few pictures on his phone. He didn't know why it got to him so freaking much. Unbidden memories of his younger self with Aaron giggling and chasing each other around a couch sprang to his mind.

Adam was still drowsy, so he just kind of drooled as he tried to suck on his own foot. Kyle grinned and flapped his unbroken arm in the air excitedly. April smiled in the background. Alex pressed his phone. Best picture ever.

Kyle looked at him and pointed to the baby, "Brubah!"

"That's right," Alex beamed. "That's your kid brother Adam."

"And I am Adam's mommy," she said simply, when Kyle turned to look at her seriously again.

His lip pouted and he scowled, leaning to her side of the bed, apparently studying her closely. April glanced nervously over, and Alex shrugged. Kyle was actually pretty outgoing as far as he'd observed in their limited interaction so far. He wasn't an overly talkative kid, but he understood a lot more than he said. And he charmed the nurses with his shy smile, and had even given Bobby the PT guy a hearty high five when they'd gone to the first appointment. Now, he wasn't being unfriendly per se. Just a little weird.

"He is probably just tired. He was pretty cranky when I got her, anyway. Probably misses his mom too..." Alex explained lamely.

The reply seemed to ease April's anxiety a little because she relaxed and nodded, tickling Adam and saying breezily, "That's okay, Kyle. We can still be friends."

"O-kayo.." Kyle's response was chipper enough.

Allowing the boys to play, Alex and April chatted pleasantly across the bed. This was awesome. He finally felt like he was getting a good picture of how things were now. What his family was like. And it wasn't half bad. The rest of the afternoon went on. Soon Alex was leaning back in his chair with his feet up on the edge of the bed, making fun of the kids shows that came on. He did impersonations of characters on the screen, much to Kyle's delight. April pulled her chair close and rolled her eyes at Alex's antics while she occupied Adam with some of Kyle's any stuffed toys. He'd chalk the whole day, from breakfast, to Wyatt, to this time in Kyle's room; all of it was a freaking success.

Suddenly, Kyle reached out and poked at April's face, covering the lower half with his tiny hand, almost like he was trying to shut her up. Alex held back a laugh. Kyle pulled his hand back, and then touched her face again. April sat still and let him continue. He repeated the motion.

"That's my nose," April commented, her voice muffled by a small hand.

Kyle frowned and pulled his hand back, watching April pensively. He pointed to April and then covered the lower half of his own face. It was a strange little encounter, and Alex couldn't begin to explain what was going on, so he tried to play it off.

"That's not how you play peek a boo."

His son ignored Alex, and watched April intently without moving his hand. She shrugged, and lifted her own hand to her face, covering her mouth and nose.

The motion seemed to satisfy Kyle, as he sat up a little straighter. His eyes went wide and he opened his mouth in wide surprise.

"Da-k?" he ventured carefully, forming a word Alex had never heard him use before.

For a moment his heart soared. Alex was excited.

But Kyle continued to repeat the unfamiliar word, and it became clearer and clearere that the little boy was most definitely not trying to say Daddy. Or even referring to Alex at all.

"Daaooock...Docccc...Doc!" Kyle repeated, and April gasped.

"Oh my God," she paled and peered at the child closely. "Do you-could you remember? You couldn't."

Alex shook his head, "He couldn't."

April nodded, "Right."

"Doc!" Kyle smiled.

"I...I did talk to him a little when he was conscious..."

"No freakin' way."

"Right."

But the new phrase was repeated again and Alex couldn't explain why. And if it was anyone else his kid was recognizing, Alex thought he might feel a little pissed. But the potential that Kyle remembered her, or at least had sort of created an identity for her within his little world, seemed to make April open up even more. She smiled fully at him, eyes shining and dimples sinking fully into her wanted her to have this. He wanted them all to be bonded. So whatever, if Kyle was calling April a name before him. It was all good, because it didn't change that Alex was his Dad, or that he spent time with the boy.

It was a good moment. And it was the moment when Alex knew that they could do this. The whole blended family thing.

They could do it.

 


	15. Chapter 15

"See, when the pilgrims first came to live in America, it was hard to farm because the climate and crops were different than what they were used to..."

April sighed, and shifted Adam's carrier as she approached Meredith's house. Alone, at least for the time being. Armed with a pie of all things. Adam sported his brand knew turkey sweater, knitted by Grandma, of course. Her son's first Thanksgiving was nothing like she'd imagined. When she and Alex decided that their big trip to Ohio this holiday season would occur at Christmas time, she'd pictured a quiet night in their own home, with Alex and Amber.

A lot like the previous year, only minus the cold feet, mentally ill mother in law, and steak knife.

But Meredith and Derek had invited them to the dream house for a Thanksgiving lunch. Alex had gotten roped into an emergency surgery early that morning, and planned to join April and Adam at the Shepherd's as soon as he could.

Amber on the other hand, had somewhat abruptly agreed to go to Hawaii with her long time friend and roommate, Quincy, for the holiday.

"I'm sorry, April," the girl had said apologetically. "But there's a beach, warm weather, guys in swim trunks, no weird family crap,  _and_  they are footing the bill. No way I'm saying no."

Alex was royally pissed, but had done nothing to stop it. April sensed that there was more tension in the relationship between the two than either of them wanted to admit. Because of the whole situation with Kyle. Since April had started to join in getting to know the little toddler (albeit when his mother wasn't around), Alex thought it was prime time that his little sister did as well. But Amber clearly wasn't ready to meet her nephew, and April thought it was fine. She could understand the girl's reluctance.

They were all still getting used to Kyle. April had to admit that in the few times she had met him had been awkward, and nerve wracking at first, but the sheer miracle of seeing her former patient, alive, reasonably well, and occasionally giggling was enough to overcome all of that. Remembering his time on her OR table, blood, heartbeat, and eyes, April discovered that she was a lot more comfortable with at least the Kyle factor of the equation. He called her 'Doc', and the fact that he was recovering made his identity an easier pill to swallow. It also helped that his mother wasn't exactly thrilled about April occasionally tagging along for Alex's visits.

For now, it was easy to think of him as a recovering patient. A cute, mini-version of Alex, whose life she'd had a hand in saving. April could handle that.

Carefully making her way up the house, April continued explaining the Thanksgiving holiday to her son. One thing about Meredith and Derek's new home was that there were a lot of steps between the driveway and the house, which always took April a long time to negotiate anyway. But today it had rained earlier, and she could tell that the moisture had frozen in the cold weather creating a thing layer of ice. So April went triply slow. Bum knee, ice, and carrying a baby carrier? Not worth any risk. Adam was too important to take a chance.

"And so Squanto was a Native American who helped them learn to grow corn, like Grandpa does."

Adam listened intently, chewing vigorously on his newest teething ring. April took another step.

"Then when all the harvest came the tribes shared their harvest with the pilgrims and they were very grateful, so they gave thanks together and started to get along as friends."

She blinked and added, "Granted, in the end, this story didn't really work out so well for the Native Americans at all because the pilgrims turned out not to be the best at being friends...but the main idea we go for today is to be grateful for what you have and to spend time with friends and-and family. And most importantly to eat. Turkey, and stuffing, and mashed potatoes, which I think I am gonna let you try. Yummy yummy food."

"Bum."

"Yum," April repeated. "Y-um."

"Bum."

Close enough.

"That's good, Adam! You're almost there. Yes, you are! Try one more time. Y-ummm."

They were finally at the top of the stairs, and the door flung open as April made her way across the path that lead to the front door. Lexie rushed outside, smiling broadly, followed by a breathless Zola and Sofia.

"April!" her friend said when she reached her side, giving her a warm hug. "It's so good to see you."

April opened her mouth and tried to speak, but she felt the sting of tears pricking at her eyes. She was so overwhelmed. Not only had it been a long time since they'd seen each other, but Lexie's help had thus far been so invaluable to her throughout this whole Kyle Stevens thing, and April was so incredibly grateful. She had no way of conveying just how much the other woman's words and willingness to support her had helped. Their friendship had deepened more than April had ever expected.

Sensing the onset of blubbering, Lexie shook her head, "Hey, now...none of that. You'll get me going."

"Sorry," April blubbered, unable to fully control her emotions. "It's just-You have no idea how much of a help you've been, with all of this and..."

"I know," Lexie said glancing forcefully behind her to signal the approach of the little girls.

"April! Hi!" Sofia shouted waving excitedly and slipping along on the icy path, a few steps ahead of Zola.

"Look! All my cousins are here!" Zola said eagerly, grabbing hold of April's hand and tugging her towards the house. "And now I can show them Adam!  _None_  of thems have a god brother!"

Lexie reached toward the bag on April's shoulder, "We'll talk about everything more inside, okay. How about I take this pie for you?"

And with that, Lexie, Zola, and Sofia ushered April into the Grey-Shepherd thanksgiving. The mood inside the house was jovial, and the beautiful spacious interior of Meredith and Derek's home was filled with people she didn't know.

April knew what it was like to have big family gatherings, her own family's were kind of legendary in Cook, but that was her family. And even on the years she had spent holidays away from her family, she'd always had people she considered family around. But Reed and Charles were dead. Jackson was spending the holiday with the Avery's (plus Mara). Amber was in Hawaii. April had grown closer to both Mer and Lexie over the years, but she felt distinctly out of place among this group of people. She hoped Alex came along soon.

Giggling children, slightly older than Zola and Sofia were dashing around the house playing keep away with a kooshball. Judging by their hair, April assumed that they could only be some of Shepherd's nieces and nephews. All the adults she passed by greeted her and Adam cordially, but it was clear that they were unsure of this new person.

The little girls scampered off, as April and Lexie passed Meredith and Derek, apparently engaged in deep conversation with one of his brother's in law. Mer looked slightly uncomfortable, shooting them a look that could only be interpreted as ' _Seriously?'_ as they passed. It was enough to ease some of April's nerves and she smiled as Lexie ushered them into the kitchen and put away the pie.

Food preparation was well underway, overseen by a surprising duo. The pair was huddled over the oven, and turned around when they heard April and Lexie entered. An apron clad Mark Sloan turned to face her, holding his arms open wide and pulling her into a hug.

"Kepner!" the plastic surgeon grinned. "Happy Thanksgiving!"

April was taken slightly aback by the older man's sudden affection. They were friendly and he was Jackson's mentor, but she didn't think she could remember another time where Sloan had actually  _hugged_  her. She figured it was probably pity, but she placed Adam's carrier on the ground and hugged him back. It made her feel better.

The other figure by the oven, a small dignified woman with short gray hair looked on happily, and when Mark finally released April from his embrace, he wrapped one arm around the older woman and gestured between them. She really didn't have to guess who this was.

"Carolyn Shepherd, meet April Kepner, she's a trauma surgeon. Engaged to Dr. Karev."

"Karev was the pediatric surgeon, yes? Meredith's friend? Seems like all you people know are other surgeons..." Carolyn laughed.

"April Kepner," Sloan continued, rolling his eyes, and ignoring the comment as Lexie giggled. "Meet Carolyn Shepherd, the best mother I never had. And more! Plus thanks to me, she ended up knowing what it was like to have a  _truly_ good looking son."

"Oh Mark!" The older woman shook her head fondly, as she shook April's hand, "It's nice to meet you, dear. The more the merrier. You hit a certain threshold with a big family and a few extra people don't make that much of a difference."

"She already knows that," Lexie teased, sharing a conspiratorial expression with her boyfriend. "She's got as many sisters as Derek does."

"Ah, then you do know," Carolyn grinned, with only a brief flicker of concern in her eyes. Thankfully, she did not ask the obvious question, of why April wasn't with any of these sisters, if she had so many, or why she and Alex had invaded the Shepherd's celebration.

Carolyn turned her attention to the baby carrier at April's side, leaning down to look at the fussy infant within. "And who is this handsome little boy?"

"Oh!" April stiffly leaned down and lifted her son from his seat, chuckling as he tried to hide his face against her shoulder. "This is my son Adam. Lately he's been a little shy of strangers..."

The older woman waved a dismissive hand, and returned to her cooking, stating firmly, "No matter. Caution is underrated these days. Hello Adam."

Mark quickly joined her in the cooking and Lexie took hold of April's elbow and pulled her out of the kitchen and into the quiet and empty space of Meredith and Derek's study.

"Couch space is a premium, and it's kind of loud out there," Lexie explained, settling herself in one of two leather arm chairs that sat next to a tall bookshelf. "And I wanted to talk. How are you, April? I mean, really, are things going better?"

Sinking into the other chair, and sliding Adam to her lap, April took a moment to really ponder the question. Right now, at this very moment, April felt like a lot of her life was upside down and inside out. Different from how she'd imagined it would be. And the thing of it was, sometimes it sucked, but there were moments, more and more of them, like when Kyle called her doc, or Adam said a new word (or came close), when things didn't suck so bad.

"I guess...I guess I am in a holding pattern of mostly okay with occasional detours into completely crazy, and mild excitement."

Lexie smiled sadly and let her friend continued to speak.

"I suppose I am getting used to it. I've seen Kyle a few times. I just never pictured myself being...being anyone's step mother. Well, not even that yet, really. Step mother-to-be? Is that a thing? I never pictured myself in a family that had...step anything..."

"No one does," Lexie said knowingly. "I didn't. But...well, it's like I said, just because you didn't picture it this way doesn't mean it has to be bad. When I found out about Sofia...I just...I already kind of felt like Mark wasn't...it just wasn't what I had planned for myself. But,I guess life isn't really what you plan it to be."

"Yeah," April agreed, as Adam cooed and glanced around the room curiously. The quiet and calm of the study seemed to have eased his fussiness. The baby's curiosity was also peaked. He was scrutinizing the room with his usual interest.

Lexie grinned and held out her arms, "May I? He's just so big now. Last time I saw him he was new and itty bitty."

Luckily Adam put up no resistance to being transferred over the Lexie. In fact he seemed quite taken with her necklace, reaching his uncoordinated hands out, and babbling happily. April smiled at her friend as she smiled and gently bounced Adam in her lap. She was good with kids, April knew. She'd seen it with Zola and Sofia before. The little girls treated Lexie like an ubercool idol of sorts and often clashed as they vied for the woman's attention.

April knew that Mark and Lexie had 'officially' been together for about a year, and were pretty serious. She realized it might not be long before Lexie had a child of her own. A child who would have a half sister called Sofia. Just like Adam and Kyle. And if Lexie could somehow be okay with that, April supposed she was getting there too.

"He calls me 'Doc'," April stated. "Kyle does."

"Doc?" Lexie smiled sadly. "That's-that is actually kind of cute."

"Yeah...I mean, I don't know why...I was his surgeon, but I don't think he could possibly remember..." April swallowed hard, unable to stop herself from remembering.

She could still see Kyle, when he first came into the ER; scared eyes looking up at her. She could remember how it felt to have him on her OR table. To have her hands be the only things standing between the little boy and death.

"I suppose in a way that actually makes it easier to keep in perspective," April mused. "Seeing him awake and getting better...it...it somehow makes everything else with Izzie lying and...whatever...it makes it everything else matter less. Because he is alive."

Lexie nodded, "I remember how small Sofia was when she was born. It makes a difference."

Both women nodded with wide eyes. They'd all seen tiny blue Sofia grow up into a lovable, creative, and active young girl. It didn't matter so much how or why she came to be, or what that did to Mark and Lexie's relationship in the end because the little girl they knew and loved had nothing to do with all of that. April thought she ought to apply the same perspective onto Kyle. She wanted to try, anyway. Because she'd seen him on deaths door.

Adam tentatively lifted a hand to Lexie's mouth, so she playfully pretended to gnaw on his fingers, complete with sound effects. April couldn't help but smile as her little boy's face went from startled to amused and the room was suddenly filled with his infectious giggles.

"Hey," Lexie warned, pointing one finger in April's direction. "Don't look at me like that!"

"Look at you like what?" April kept smiling. She knew Lexie was good with kids in general, bit something about seeing the younger Grey with a baby made it clear how easily she could slip into the role of mother, when the time came around.

"Like you've already finished planning my baby shower in your head."

"Well, it's a thought," April replied sheepishly. "Starting a family can't be that far off."

"Don't rush me," Lexie teased.

April laughed, "I'm just saying. You're almost done with your fellowship, and you and Mark are pretty serious now..."

Lexie smirked and ducked her head, "Oh yes. Very serious."

Something about her friend's tone made April suspicious. She could tell Lexie was holding something back, so she prodded, "What?"

Biting her lip, Lexie gushed, "Well, don't spread this around just yet...but Mark proposed to me, and I've said yes."

"Of course you said yes!"

"Well, yeah," Lexie chuckled.

"Oh my God," April beamed.

"I know. It's crazy. He asked me last week actually."

"That long ago?" April frowned. "Why didn't you say anything?"

It wasn't like she and Lexie hadn't been communicating frequently during the past several weeks. Granted, April knew that she was being overly needy and dominating the vast majority of their conversations. She swallowed guiltily. Lexie probably didn't have much time to share details about her own life.

Sure enough, Lexie confirmed April's fears, "Well...with everything going on right, it didn't really seem the best moment."

April hung her head and her shoulders slumped. She hadn't meant to dampen her friend's good moment with her own chaos. Lexie should be able to share her happiness as much as she wanted, without feeling the need to hide it out of pity for Alex and April's predicament.

"Plus we're not having the wedding for at least a year," Lexie continued. "You guys have the summer free and clear. We don't want to steal you and Alex's thunder."

April sighed, "At this rate you'll be married before me."

"Don't say that, April."

"Well, with everything that's happened, I've gotten behind on planning and it's just...hard. I feel kind of frozen. Like, I-I haven't told my family anything yet, and the idea of planning...I mean, would Kyle be at the wedding? I know Alex wants him to be but...would Izzie let us and..."

Watching the pity that crept into her friend's features, she felt like a total downer and shook herself, "I'm sorry."

Lexie just shook her head, and reached out one hand to squeeze April's, "Don't do that. Don't let this situation do that. Don't let this stall your future. Take if from me. If things had been different...If I had been different around Sofia at first...where would Mark and I be today? I'm not saying that I am not happy with the way things have turned out, but God, April; we wasted  _so_  much time. Don't do that. Kyle will be a part of your family, even if his mother won't let him be at the wedding, and your family is just going to have to accept that."

April blinked. Hearing it in terms like that made the whole thing seem more real. Kyle would be a part of her family. He  _was_ family. He was going to be a part of  _her_  family, as much as Amber or Aaron Karev or anyone else. Kyle was more than just Alex's son. More than Adam's brother. And a lot more than just a positive outcome with a patient too. The long and short of it, whether April liked it or not, was that this boy was going to be a part of her family, and not just some side part of her life. It wasn't like she hadn't understood this intellectually for a while, but in that moment, listening to Lexie the concept became something April suddenly felt viscerally.

She might not like it, and she could resist, but really April couldn't do anything to change the fact that Kyle was going to be around long term. And so, the energy expended on all the feelings seemed rather useless. After all, just because her formative experiences with family hadn't included something like this did not mean that it wasn't doable. Or even enjoyable.

Just because few people had step anythings in Moline didn't mean it was bad.

April realized that, in fact, she was right smack dab in the midst of some pretty awesome examples of different families at that very moment. Lexie and Mer. Lexie, Mark, Arizona, Callie and Sofia. Hell, her experience with Sloan and Carolyn Shepherd in the kitchen had demonstrated that a happy family with many different connections was entirely possible. And of course, she could think of her own little ragtag family of the hospital. She hadn't picked for any of them to become a part of her life anymore than she had control of things with Kyle.

Even her closest friend Jackson had become like a brother to her on a fluke. What if they'd been split into different intern groups? April had had no more control over that than she had control over the merger that had brought Alex, Meredith, and Cristina into her world. They all became people she loved though. Part of her family. And she'd embraced it. There was no reason she couldn't strive for the same thing with Kyle, regardless as to who his mother was. If Lexie could love Sofia, despite all the circumstances surrounding the child's existence, and April knew Lexie did, she could see no reason why she shouldn't try her best not only to tolerate and accept Kyle, but also to love him.

One thing April new was certain: More love, and having more people in your life to give that love couldn't be a bad thing.

Both Lexie and April looked up when the door unceremoniously opened with a thud, and Alex came into the room dramatically holding Sofia over one shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Zola stood on his right foot, clinging to his leg and being dragged along as he walked. Both girls were laughing and screeching with excitement.

"Here they are," he said grinning and stepping into the room.

"We told you so!" Zola said, shaking her head in exasperation.

Adam turned his head at the sound of his father's voice and beamed. April found that she was doubly happy to see him too. She might be an outsider at this Shepherd family, but at least she, Adam and Alex could be a nice little family unit of outsiders together.

"You finished your surgery?" April asked.

"Correction," Alex replied, striking a god awful pose, like he was a body builder, and making all the females in the room roar with laughter. "I kicked butt in my surgery! Kid's in post op, no complications so far. Big surprise? No freakin' way."

Zola agreed, "Cuz UncAlex is the best!"

He looked smug, "Couldn't have said it better myself."

"Gosh April," Lexie said with a twinkle in her eye. "How on earth does the man walk through doors with a head that big?"

"Careful maneuvering," April giggled. "It's a lot like tetris..."

"Whatever," Alex chuckled, as his gaze flicked over to hers with a glint, and then returned to Lexie. "Nice to see you too, Little Grey."

"I'm just calling it like I see it."

Alex rolled his eyes, walking over to April and giving her a peck on the cheek, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just wish you were as good as me."

He approached Lexie and lowered Sofia to his arms, nodding to Adam. "Trade you?"

Lexie pondered and pretended to scrutinize Sofia and glancing to Zola, "I dunno, is this a two for one deal?"

Zola eagerly climbed into her aunt's lap and began babbling on about some drama in preschool and Alex shrugged, "I guess so."

Transferring Adam over to Alex, Lexie settled down with one girl on each knee, listening intently as Sofia joined in the story telling too.

"There's my guy!" Alex grinned and made funny faces at the baby as he moved to April's chair and carefully smashed in next to her. The chair wasn't strictly speaking, big enough for two people, well three people, counting Adam, so their bodies were pressed against each other. But April didn't mind.

The doors burst open yet again, and Mark Sloan, still in full kitchen ware strolled through the doors with his arms held out, "Hey what gives? This the VIP room or something? Rest of the party is out here."

Alex smirked and nudged April, "Duh, we don't mix with unfamiliar Shepherd's. We're just here for the food."

She nodded and giggled.

Mark rolled his eyes and clapped his hands, grinning at his daughter and Zola, "Well, the food is ready and it is going fast. Andale, andale, hermosa niñas! Tiempo para...la munchinos."

The little girls practically shot out of the room, while Lexie, Alex, and April pulled to their feet and shuffled out of the study. Mark wrapped and arm around Lexie's shoulder and Adam grinned at his mother over his father's shoulder. April lagged behind taking in the scene before her, feeling a surge of emotion.

"Dude, you can't speak Spanish," Alex teased.

Mark rolled his eyes, "Neither can you."

"I took Spanish."

"So did I."

"Whatever. Let's just eat."

April laughed. This Thanksgiving wasn't the one she'd pictured to be Adam's first. But they were spending it together and with people they cared for. Maybe they weren't as much outsiders as she might have imagined.

* * *

Alex groaned, resisting the urge to beep at the cab in front of him. He hated driving through the airport arrivals lane. All the freaking taxis double parked as they tried to snag customers and made the rest of the lanes go agonizingly slow. And it pissed him off because Alex could freaking see Amber at the curb a few feet ahead of him, but he wasn't going to be able to get to her until the damned idiot in front of him pulled forward.

"Get a move on!" he muttered, working hard to control his emotions.

It was already a long proven truth that the little boy in the back seat didn't like to see when his father was upset. Alex glanced in the rear view mirror. Adam crooned along happily in his car seat, chewing on a teether and rocking his body to the soft music coming from the car's speakers. He wrinkled his nose. Freakin' ABBA. He was borrowing April's car since she had to work and his was in the shop. And all her freaking radio stations and cds and whatever were for some pretty crap music.

"You dancing to this crap, little dude?" he said smiling. "What am I gonna do with you?"

Alex loved his fiance, but as far as he was concerned, April's taste in music sucked. Musicals, and old stuff and whatever. And what was worse, Adam seemed to love it too. Though, he tended to rock and dance to any music he heard, trying to sing along in his baby way. He just liked the sounds. Alex felt pretty guilty because he knew lately his time with Adam had been impacted by finding out about Kyle and the older boy being in the hospital and everything. The six month old was spending a lot more time with his mother and her suspect taste in music than he had with Alex. It kind of felt like he was letting Adam down. But Kyle was going home soon, and then things would be better, and they'd figure out a new normal. Alex knew he'd start getting Adam more exposed to quality tunes. A little classic rock. There was probably still hope.

Finally the cab in front of him finally got a move on and Alex was able to pull up to the curb for Hawaiian Airlines and greet his younger sister. He threw the car into park, popped the trunk, and ran around the car to place Amber's suitcase in the back. She looked well enough. tanned and happy and whatever. As well she should, considering she'd freaking bailed on spending the holiday with her own family in favor of spending it in Hawaii with her friend's family instead.

Sure, her Amber's reasons for ditching out were understandable. Alex didn't like dealing with this crap anymore than she did. But just because you didn't want to deal with something didn't mean that it was just going to disappear. So he was still a little pissed. Especially since Thanksgiving had turned out to be completely drama free in the end. Fun even. As had the days following it before Amber's return. Eating at Mer and Derek's had actually been a good time, and it felt like April had turned over a leaf of sorts in her response to the situation. Iz and Kyle had done their own Thanksgiving thing at the hospital with her mother and Alex, Adam, and April visited the next day. Everyone seemed to be settling into the new groove of life.

Everyone except his sister.

Amber still refused to meet Kyle, even after nearly a month of her knowing about his existence. She didn't even really call him her nephew. April kept telling Alex that she needed time, but he viewed it all as wasted time. None of this was Kyle's fault and it bothered Alex that Amber seemed determined to keep the boy out of her life. He wanted to get his family stable again, and so he just wanted his sister to get on board. And today he was going to make her.

Once they were loaded up, Alex revved the engine and made his way back on to the interstate heading north for Seattle. The ride was largely silent. He knew he was kind of an ass for freezing her out, but he couldn't help it. Life had just been so out of his control lately. Alex didn't know what to do. Amber sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes, fully aware of her brother's silent treatment. After greeting Adam, she too joined in Alex's tense silence and the car ride continued in an intense sort of stalemate. The quiet was only interrupted by the occasional gurgle and snore from the baby in the back as Adam's head flopped to one side and he was lulled to sleep by the noises of the freeway.

It was somehow easier not to talk when the car was moving, but as the car got closer and closer to their destination, hitting downtown right in the middle of rush hour, things came to a head.

Rolling her eyes Amber finally moaned, "So this is how you're gonna play this? You're not even going to talk to me? I might as well have taken the bus. I would have had better conversations on the 586 than with you."

Alex only glared, flicking the on his turn signal and taking the exit marked Seattle Center.

"You're that mad?"

"Yes," he bit his lip as the car inched in traffic, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, and trying to hold back.

"Just because I missed one lousy holiday?" Amber retorted, clearly getting pissed herself. "I got the chance to go to freakin' Hawaii!"

"It wasn't just any holiday," Alex replied trying to keep his tone even. "It was Thanksgiving. That's all about families and whatever. And it was Adam's first one and-"

The laugh that escaped his little sister's lips was anything but amused, "That's a load of crock and you know it. He doesn't even know where his nose is, let alone what holidays I miss. And screw your family talk, Alex. Like our last Thanksgiving was  _so_  great. What happened? Oh yeah, Mom went crazy and you had her committed."

Alex winced and kept his eyes on the road in front of him. He didn't like to think about that night. It wasn't his proudest moment. Even though it had to be done, Alex hated the fact that he'd had to commit both his brother and his mother. He turned a corner and the Space Needle came into view.

"Where are we going?" Amber demanded, realizing that he was distinctly not headed to her University District dormitory.

"I have April's car. Mine's in the shop," Alex growled, pointing to the time on the car's radio. "I gotta pick her up too. I don't need to waste freaking gas by doubling back."

It was only partly a lie. He did need to pick up his fiancee and her shift was ending soon, but Alex's trip to the hospital was actually part of another plan. Mer advised that his sister was just as bad at dealing with change as he was. Cristina had warned him to just butt out and let Amber figure her own crap out. Surprisingly, it was Robbins who'd given Alex the advice he thought he'd needed and choose to follow. Then again, it made sense. She knew what it was like to have a kid show up in her life out of the blue.

She taken him aside after a surgery to see how he was doing, and Alex had been frank about his issues with his sister's response.

"She went all the way to freaking Honolulu, and she still won't see him. It just gonna get harder too," Alex complained. "Because he'll get released from here and Iz'll take him back to Tacoma and Amber hasn't even been willing to see him when he's 15 minutes away, let alone and hour..."

"Trust me Karev, I know that it's hard right now. And I know what your sister is trying to do. Shut it all out. Block the change. If she ignores it then she thinks it won't be real."

Alex sighed and scratched the back of his head, "That's what everybody says..."

"Well, I think it's true," the blonde peds surgeon agreed. "And I bet they're all telling you; give her time. And space. Time and space is all she needs."

"Right again."

Arizona held Alex's gaze for a long moment before she continued, "Avoidance is a natural human response, believe me, I know. And sometimes...it takes a push to get past it."

So Alex was going to push.

He was taking his sister to meet his first son. He pulled the car into the hospital parking lot, and parked near the entrance. Glancing back to Adam, Alex was relieved to see that the boy slumbered on, blissfully unaware of the tension and anger between his family members. Alex knew he shouldn't argue around his son. He'd hated that as a child. Having to her his dad yell and shout at his mom. Listening to the old man beating her. He  _knew_ it had messed him up, and he was secretly pretty afraid he'd mess up poor Adam too. Even with just a little anger. No matter what April and Mer said about how much he'd changed. No matter how many times Wyatt told him that he wasn't his father. It was still a risk Alex didn't like to take.

"April gets off in 20 minutes," Alex said evenly. "We're going to go in and visit Kyle until she's done. Me, you, and Adam. Just 20 minutes."

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No I  _am_  not!"

Slumped in her seat with crossed arms, Amber scowled and continued, "And what the hell gives you the right to be so pissed at me anyway? After you got into med school and came out here, we barely saw you. How many Thanksgivings did you miss, Alex? 9? 10? And you have the balls to treat me like I'm this horrible person? Your life hasn't been so fucking perfect either. Screw you Alex!"

"I know!" Alex snapped.

God, did he know. Alex knew he'd missed years of Amber's life because he'd been up here, unable to face the reality of his mother's deterioration. Yet, here he was, calling out his sister for missing one small thing. He knew he was being an ass, and it was a double standard, and he'd totally missed more milestones in Amber's life than she ever would with his son. Adam at least. And Alex was determined Amber didn't repeat his mistakes with Kyle.

Both brother and sister froze as Adam stirred, fussing slightly as he started to wake up. Alex reached back and hushed the baby, as he worked to calm himself down. He knew he needed to be more up front with Amber. As much as she might hate to admit it, Alex thought that they were a lot alike. They both didn't waste time with being overly worried about manners and crap. They spoke truthfully, and to the point. So he knew the one thing his sister would appreciate in this whole situation would be to have Alex be straight with her. She'd probably still be pissed at what he was doing, but at least she'd know why he was doing it.

"I freaking  _know_ ," Alex repeated, in a calmer voice so that Adam didn't freak. "I wasn't there. I skipped out on you for way too long."

Amber frowned, but her expression softened. She uncrossed her arms, and toyed with a loose thread on her jeans.

"Look, I know that. I know that I screwed up with that, and I know that you think it sucks that I'm being all crazy about you missing a holiday when I missed so many. I get that it's crazy, and I know I am being a jerk about it," he continued, holding his hands out in surrender. "All I can say is I have my reasons for pushing you with this."

"Oh yeah?" Amber asked skeptically.

"We're used to things being messed up," Alex replied. "You and I? All we've ever really known about families and crap is about things being messed up."

Pursing her lips and no doubt thinking about childhood in the Karev house, Amber nodded silently. They dysfunction they'd grown up with had marked them indelibly. Which was why Alex was so determined to go forward.

"Amber," he sighed, glancing back to Adam in the back seat. "I...I don't want Adam, or Kyle to ever  _ever_  get used to things being messed up. Not the way our family was anyway. I...it freaking bothers me, you know? How much of your life I missed. I should have been there for you all along, and I let you down. It's one of my biggest regrets. And that's saying something cuz I have a lotta those."

Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat, looking in the rear view at Adam. His son yawned and blinked awake, drowsily looking around. Alex hated dragging up old and emotional crap with his sister. Not because it didn't matter or because he wanted to sweep it under the rug, but because Alex knew that it probably hurt her to think about it all. He just wanted to protect her. But looking at the shocked expression that came across his sister's face, he realized that maybe he should air things out in the open more.

"Really?" Amber asked tentatively. "One of your biggest regrets?"

"Hell yeah. I...I love you. It was messed up. I don't want you to have the same regrets as me. I don't want you to make the same mistakes as me. About Kyle."

Alex shrugged. It was all he could say. He loved his sister, and he probably didn't say it enough.

Amber stared out into the busy parking lot, swallowing nervously. She bit her lip, and glanced back to her brother. Adam twisted in his car seat growing restless now that the car was stationary.

"Just 20 minutes?" she asked finally.

"No more," Alex nodded eagerly. He was elated that Amber was willing to go through with his request to meet Kyle.

"Okay."

Unbuckling her seat belt, the college student got out of the car. Alex didn't need to hear another word. He quickly got out of the car grabbed Adam and caught up with his sister as she made her way through the hospital's main doors. He was mildly shocked that the whole ruse had kind of worked actually. He'd expected a bigger resistance from his sister. Adam grinned. He didn't seem to be surprised at all.

"Aunt Amber is going to meet your brother," Alex said cheerfully to the little boy, rocking him from side to side. "And I bet she's gonna think he's just as nice as we do."

As they boarded the elevator and headed toward Kyle's floor, Amber smirked, "Dude, you're such a freakin' sap now!"

"Whatever."

* * *

April scanned the chart in front of her as she leaned against a nurses station. She rested her weight on her good leg and flexed the muscles of her bad one. She'd just gotten our of a long, though successful, surgery on an injured adolescent skier that had been airlifted in from the Snoqualmie Pass. She'd watched one of her newest interns master a new technique and all and all was very satisfied with how the procedure had gone.

Her leg, however, was a stiff.

But a few aches and pains were not going to get in the way of April's good mood. Things had been going well personally and professionally ever since Thanksgiving. She felt as though Alex and Adam really were developing a very good bond with Kyle. And April felt like she too was on the road to some sort of familial bond with the boy as well. The nickname 'Doc' had stuck and so had Kyle's fascination with all things medical. He was always clamoring after Alex's stethoscope or April's scrub cap or whatever else happened to be within his reach. They'd managed to alternate schedules with the boy's family, and in general, April's encounters with Izzie were kept to a minimum too. And best of all, Alex had somehow managed to coax Amber into visiting her new nephew as well.

Not even the rapidly increasing cold of early December couldn't dampen April's spirits. The Christmas season was one of her favorites, and in only a matter of weeks, she would be back home in Cook with her family for Christmas. With Alex, Adam, and Amber. It was super exciting because there were many members of her extended family as well as old friends who had never met her son in person yet.

Granted, all the details weren't completely sorted out. April still hadn't quite figured out how to explain Kyle Stevens to her family yet, but the fear of it all was less. And maybe she was still being a coward, but she also kind of felt like the news was better delivered in person. Somewhat more worrying was the fact that Kyle was due to be released from the hospital any day now. Which meant he'd go back home with his mother to Tacoma. It was hardly a world away, but it would make the whole situation different.

April was nervous because Alex seemed reluctant to iron out any sort of arrangement or schedule with Izzie about how often and in what capacity he would be seeing his son from here on out. She knew that he was terrified of pushing or questioning his ex wife because he didn't want to spook her into keeping Kyle from him. It was why he continued to resist April's repeated suggestions of getting a lawyer too. Which was frustrating.

"Doc!" a now familiar little voice reached April's ears.

She looked up from her paperwork and smiled as Kyle and Robbie Stevens came into view. He was up and mobile, though still relying heavily on his tiny walker, and today wore street clothes. His grandmother had fared a lot better than him in the accident, but still sported healing lacerations. It was the first time April had seen the woman since she'd come into the ER actually, and it was nice to see that she was recovering too.

"Hi there!" April said brightly.

"Home!" Kyle grinned, looking for all the world like his father after he'd won a bet or just aced some awesome surgery for a kid in peds.

"You're going home today?"

Kyle was already distracted by the blue balloon that was tied to the handle of his walker. When it became clear that the child was not going to reply, his grandmother awkwardly offered the answer.

"Yes," she said quietly. " Dr. Webber and the man from PT have signed off on his discharge papers. They're finally setting him free, I suppose."

April smiled politely and commented, "And just in time for the holidays too."

"It will be one to remember, that's for sure."

"I'm glad."

They both nodded, sharing an uncomfortable silence that was only broken by Kyle when he took a moment to show April his balloon. It was a very strange thing. April didn't quite know where she stood with this woman now.

Finally she ventured, "You seem to be recovering very well."

Robbie shrugged, "So far. Knock wood."

Curling her fingers into a fist April dutifully tapped the nurses station, which made the other woman's expression soften as she let out a small laugh. She gestured back down the hallway and said, "Kyle and I are just waiting for Isobel. She's uh...talking to Alex. Trying to get everything figured out. For visits and things, I guess."

April swallowed, "Ah."

Judging from the raised voices that echoed down the hallway, negotiations were not going well.

"I don't understand why I can't freaking have him come visit me!" Alex snapped. "At least on the weekends."

"Because he's never spent the night away from home before-"

"What do you call a 7 week stint in the hospital, Iz? Because I am pretty sure this place isn't home. He'd be fine."

"This is different! He's  _hurt_."

"Kyle could handle it!"

Izzie guffawed, "I think I know my own son, Alex. Besides, I can't let him stay with you every weekend."

"Why the hell not? It's not like I am even asking for custody or something. I just want to see him. If we had shared custody it would be 50/50. This is way less."

Robbie swallowed uncomfortable and tried to further distract her grandson as the argument became more heated. April winced and lowered her head back down to her paperwork. It was the kind of argument she knew Alex had been stalling to avoid. But it was also probably one that needed to happen. Though, a hallway in the pediatric recovery wing.

"You signed your custody rights away in the divorce! There is no joint custody."

Uh oh. April knew that Alex was extremely sensitive about how his own actions had inadvertently put them all in this position. He got angry about it a lot, and felt conflicted, because while on the one hand signing away his rights to their frozen embryos in the divorce had given Izzie all the cards today, without signing it, he knew that Kyle would never have come to be. If they;d shared custody Izzie would have had to ask him. And he'd never have said yes. In one long late night discussion with April in bed, Alex had revealed just how much guilt he felt when he internally wished that he had read his settlement better. It wasn't like he didn't love his son. He just hated how Kyle had come to be.

"You know what? Screw you Izzie!" Alex was full blown shouting by now, and no amount of well meaning diversion could distract Kyle. He looked anxiously down the hallway as his father continued to yell. "You created this whole situation. You should have at least considered the possibility that I might find out about him when you got the IVF! You know me well enough to know I'd want to be involved."

"Oh whatever Alex," Izzie snarled. "You obviously didn't start being Mr. Family until after I was gone."

"No, don't pin this on me. I've changed. I've learned to be better. You? You're still the same freaking person who thinks she knows best and does all this crap for yourself. It's selfish! You're being as selfish as you ever were! You think you have all these answers, but really in the end you always end up doing what is best for you!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Alex answered, "You cut a god damn LVAD wire! Maybe if Denny had managed to hang on and got the next heart instead of jumping the line, it wouldn't have stroked out on him!"

April's eyes widened. She'd heard stories about that. Hospital rumors and legends really. She knew that her friends had been involved, but none of them had ever fessed up and explained the whole story. Meredith always waved it off as being "a long time ago". No matter how long, it was clear that Alex's words deeply impacted Izzie. This was clearly a low blow because she was stone silent for a long time before she spoke a single phrase in an even tone.

"Fuck you, Alex!"

Suddenly the sound of footsteps thundered down the hall, startling April, Kyle, and Robbie. Alex was the first to round the corner and April's heart sank. Just by looking at him, it was clear that he was livid. She hadn't seen him this mad in a long, long time. His white lab coat flowed behind him, slowing Alex down like a bizarre parachute. His posture was tense, and his shoulders slumped, and a his scowl was etched so deep into his forehead that it almost looked painful.

Alex stormed past Robbie and Kyle and past the nurses station, ignoring all of April's attempts to stop him. He was around the corner and running down the stairs before April could even turn around to follow. A sense of foreboding gripped her chest, because she knew that he didn't get this angry at someone else without feeling as mad if not more at himself.

Izzie appeared only moments later, storming with about as much intensity. Tears were clearly visible on her cheeks, and she paused only briefly next to Robbie.

"I need a minute, I-" she took a dee shaky breath. "I need a minute."

Without so much as another word, Izzie also brushed past and grabbed an elevator.

"Angy," Kyle sad sadly watching his mother leave.

Robbie looked kind of stunned and April frowned sympathetically. The older woman shook her head and commented, "That did not go well."

"No it didn't," April agreed.

"Damn."

Pausing for a moment, she opted to hold off on following her fiance. She carefully finished the chart she had been working on, before she set about finding Alex. She figured in a moment where he was this angry, he'd need a few moments to clear his head. She didn't want to become a misguided target of Alex's rage, and she knew that when he was royally pissed, anyone and everyone who crossed his path would be at fault. She'd learned long ago that a little space was good for Alex. Cool off time.

So after about 10 minutes, April decided to go talk to Alex. She wasn't entirely certain where he'd gone, and as she checked all of the usual spots and found them empty April sighed. Maybe he'd gone out to get some air. Heading down the elevator and out the hospital's main doors, she was dismayed by the person she actually found outside taking a breather.

Izzie sat on a bench along the main sidewalk, staring out at the assorted cars in the parking lot. If April was unsure as to what to say to Alex when she fond him, she had absolutely no idea what to say to this woman. They'd barely talked and it was pretty clear that they didn't even like each other. April took one step backwards, hoping to slip back inside, unnoticed, but sure enough before April could make a clean getaway Izzie looked up.

"You here to spy on me?"

April shook her head, "No."

"Come to gloat then?"

"Nope. I-I was just looking for Alex."

Izzie shook her head, "Well, he hasn't come this way."

"O-kay," April tried to take a tentative step back toward the hospital.

But the voice of the woman on the bench stilled her movements.

Izzie stared at April with a set jaw, "I thought about it, you know? In the beginning. Just getting him transferred. We have PT at Tacoma Gen that's almost as good as here. And I know people there. People like me there. But almost as good isn't good enough for my son."

A strange sensation akin to panic gripped April's chest, surprising her with it's intensity. Kyle mattered to her. She shook her head, "You...you can't just take him."

"Legally," Izzie countered, looking pensive. "I can do whatever I want. Alex knowing about Kyle doesn't change the fact that he signed over custody in the divorce.

"No! You can't-you couldn't do that to him," April cringed at the shrill tone that slipped into her voice.

"I know," the other woman agreed. "Too much has happened. I know that now. I can't cut them off. I just don't understand why. Is it that I can't do it to Alex? Or that I can't do it to Kyle?"

The questions and the strangely calm demeanor Izzie displayed stumped April. She'd built up this image in her mind of what Alex's ex wife was like. What she had to be like in order to actually leave Alex. Honestly, most of what she'd imagined was based on hearsay. Rumors about this or that. LVAD wires, intern cabals. Cancer. And Reed's bitching. And of course, based on the fact that Izzie had kept Alex in the dark about his child. The woman she was talking to, however, seemed less sinister. Izzie Stevens just seemed tired.

Finally April shrugged and answered, "Both?"

"Exactly," Izzie sighed. "My son is quite taken with the idea of being an older brother. He already loves Adam. And he adores Alex. And I had convinced myself that Kyle and I were fine. Just the two of us. That we'd never need anyone else. So...it's hard to see him so...happy with his baby brother. And so happy to have a Dad. Add to that...he even likes you, and I just-It's hard. That's hard."

April only nodded, staring at her hands, "It's different than what you'd imagined when you gave birth, right?"

"So different," Izzie laughed. "I thought I'd never see Alex again."

The laughter took April off guard. It seemed out of place and she couldn't help but snap, "You're not the only person in the world to ever deal with different."

The outburst was met with a long silence. Izzie sighed and said, "I am not a horrible person, you know...I know it seems that way to you, but I'm not. I'm just someone who a lot of bad things have happened to."

April raised her eyebrows, "Bad things happen to everyone."

Izzie tilted her head to one side, "My best friend got hit by a bus."

April pursed her lips. Two could play this game. She'd seen her share of heart ache. She countered, "Mine got shot in the head."

"I got fired."

"So did I."

"I got cancer."

"I was crushed in an earthquake. I'm lucky to be walking."

"I am pretty sure the love of my life died alone, and it's at least partially my fault," Izzie's face crumpled. "Because I didn't think of blot clots."

April opened her mouth, but she knew that was one area that she did not have anything to say. And the woman beside her looked so distraught, she couldn't help but feel bad. She'd found the love of her life. And she and Alex had found each other, and all in all, they really had a good life. In good times and bad, they had each other.

Izzie started to sob heavily, and April was at a loss. Damned if she didn't feel kind of sorry for the woman in front of her. Against her internal protests, April found herself slowly making her way over the the bench. She sat down carefully next to her husband's ex-wife as she continued to break down. She didn't know why. April supposed that when you looked at this whole mess going forward, she'd have to acknowledge that they were all in this together. Her and Alex and Izzie. For the boys.

Kyle's mother came along with him, just as April and Adam were permanently connected to Alex. They would have to deal with Izzie and Izzie would have to deal with them. There was no way to just have one part.

Izzie's experience in all of this was certainly far from a cake walk, April knew. First, it was filled with stress and fear for her son. Even now that her son was healing nicely, April knew that her return to Seattle Grace was still met with a chilly reception. Meredith and Cristina had apparently eaten lunch with the other woman a few times, but it was obvious that the road to repairing her old friendships was not going to be something Izzie could fix in a day. Or even a few weeks. It must be a lonely place to be. April knew what it was like not to have many friends.

The other woman sniffed and whipped her eyes with the sleeves of her jacket, working to calm herself down.

"Bad things happen to everyone," she concluded, looking Izzie in the eye, and tentatively reaching over to give the woman's shoulder and awkward pat.

It wasn't really anything productive. Nothing had really changed. Alex and Izzie still had no ironed out plan for visitation schedules or anything like that. Hell, April still wasn't entirely sure where her fiance even was. She felt like she had very little to offer.

But, after a moment of sitting side by side with her ex husband's new fiancee, Izzie Stevens stopped crying. April quickly fumbled for the small packet of tissues she carried on her coat pocket and offered it to Izzie.

"Thank you," the other woman said gratefully.

"You're welcome."

They continued to sit. And April realized that she didn't feel jealous of Izzie anymore. Not like she had when Izzie had first arrived. It wasn't much. Only a small change.

But still, it was something. 


	16. Chapter 16

Meredith's eyes were focused on her chart as she walked purposefully through the halls of Seattle Grace Mercy West. She was mildly irritated as she read the text because she realized that her prized pupil, Dr. Miles Rooney had made a mistake on his patient forms. The same mistake he'd made two times previously. Meredith had already taken him aside and spoken with him about it before.

It was one thing to make a mistake without knowing it was a mistake. It was entirely something else to make the same mistake over and over again. Meredith was an attending with a heavy case load of challenging neuro cases. On top of being a wife and mother. She simply have time to deal with what she viewed as her resident's continued stupidity. Teaching at this moment felt like a big imposition.

Rounding the first floor nurses station, Meredith started to head toward the elevator when her attention was drawn to the image of her best friend, Jackson, and Mark all lined up near one of the waiting room windows. She diverted her course and moved to join them out of pure curiosity.

It wasn't that it was entirely unheard of for this particular trio to be found together. If not in more informal situations, certainly the three had all cooperated on cases before. But other than that, Cristina, Mark, and Jackson, hanging out as a group was a little unusual. Especially in the middle of the work day. They all seemed to be transfixed with something outside the window.

Brow furrowing Meredith asked, "What's going on, guys?"

"Potentially? World War III," Cristina joked, gesturing through the window at two figures seated side by side on a bench.

Following her gaze, Meredith squinted. It looked like...No. It couldn't be. She took another step closer to the window and her jaw dropped. Sure enough, her eyes hadn't been deceiving her at all. That was April Kepner and Izzie Stevens seated on the same bench outside the hospital. Not touching or anything. Not at all. The distance between them was still acutely large.

But the fact that they were just sitting? On the same seat? Apparently in a non-antagonistic silence? It blew Meredith away. Izzie seemed to be crying and April was just sitting with her. Amazing.

As far as she knew and could tell, over the past month of Kyle's hospitalization, one thing that both April and Izzie had mutually seemed to agree on was to actively try to avoid each other. Meredith could understand why. She'd been present for one of their encounters, and it was totally uncomfortable.

She'd always thought April seemed a little frightened of Izzie, and more than a little awkward. Izzie seemed annoyed and dismayed by April, though she was also clearly grateful that the red haired trauma surgeon had saved Kyle's life. They didn't exactly have a lot of common ground, but Meredith supposed going forward, they would  _have_  to get their differences sorted out, Because Alex was determined to have Kyle in his life.

"How long have they been out there?" she asked curiously.

Jackson's jaw was set in concern and he shrugged, "We're not really sure. 10...15 minutes tops."

"Not that they seem to be doing much of anything," Sloan said, joking, but with a partially disguised look of disappointment that Jackson didn't ignore. "I mean, I thought by now there'd be a  _little_  chick fighting. Pulled hair or-"

"Shut up," the younger plastic surgeon snapped. "I should go out there..."

"They seem to be fine, Pretty Boy," Cristina said, gently holding his elbow to keep him from heading out the door. "Much as we might like to see a blow up, it doesn't seem like it's happening. Kepner can handle herself. So can Izzie. We should leave them be."

Meredith's mind immediately jumped ahead. If April was outside, and Izzie was outside,  _and_  there was crying involved. She knew it had to do with Kyle and Alex. She wondered where her broody friend was, and if he knew that the mothers of his children were seemingly at peace with each other in front of the hospital. Meredith couldn't decided whether he'd be happy or pissed about the scene outside.

"We should get back to work," she added, feeling oddly intrusive as they all continued to observe.

"Yeah," Mark agreed, slapping Jackson lightly on the bottom, making the younger man scowl. "Come on Avery. We've got places to go, patients to see..."

Jackson rolled his eyes, and reluctantly followed the older plastic surgeon toward the elevators, "You can't keep ordering me around like this, you know. I'm not a fellow anymore. I am a full attending now."

"Ah, but you still listen. I am still the department head. Can't beat that..." Sloan gleefully replied as the two men's voice drifted away in the distance.

Meredith smirked and Cristina shook her head. Both women lingered by the window for a moment, watching the two women outside. Old friend and new friend. Things still felt weird for Meredith. As much as she was certain that April had been actively trying to avoid Izzie in recent weeks, she felt a bit guilty because she knew that both she and Cristina had been steering clear of their old friend too.

After a moment, Meredith sighed. She still felt a lot of anger, hurt, and resentment toward Izzie. It was the reason she'd stayed away. Probably the reason Cristina also wasn't spending an inordinate amount of time trying to repair things with their blonde friend. It was still too hard. Too painful. And Meredith couldn't see a way past all of that yet.

Bidding a quick farewell to Cristina, she decided to go back to work, and resumed her search for her mistake making intern Dr. Rooney. When she found the young doctor, he was with a group of other curious residents clustered outside a supply room, wide eyed. Oh, what a day.

Meredith didn't need to ask why they were there. The mess that poured out of the room was explanation enough. If Cristina, Mark, and Jackson had really wanted to see World War III...

The supply room certainly looked as though a bomb had gone off inside. And in a way, maybe one had. The door was wide open, and there were packages and carts strewn on the floor, flowing out into the hallway. Inside one shelf looked like it had been tipped over. The answer to Meredith's earlier question was right in front of her, scowling out at the damage done as he sat on the floor, with his back against the far wall.

Oh, Alex.

It had been a long time since he'd had an outburst like this. In fact, the last time probably involved Izzie. As far as Meredith knew. Just looking at him, she could see just how torn up he was. Her curiosity about the whole situation, already high after watching Izzie and April outside, piqued as Meredith continued to watch her old friend.

Alex wasn't even yelling at the residents for staring at him.

Frowning, Meredith walked over to the residents with her arms outstretched, "Move along. You're doctors, I know you all have better things you could be doing..."

She took a threatening step closer to them and the group began to scatter. Her own 5th year resident, however, seemed reluctant to leave.

"But Dr. Grey..." Rooney said urgently, pointing urgently into the closet with one thumb.

"You!" Meredith interrupted, forcefully shoving the chart into his shaking hands. "You need to redo your patient history! Once again, you've left crucial areas blank. If I've told you once, I have told you a thousand times you have to record  _everything_ the patient tells you, even if it doesn't line up with their previous records..."

"I know," Rooney replied sheepishly, letting his curly hair fall into his eyes. Her anger towards him diminished as he continued speaking, with genuine concern, "But Dr. Grey, Karev is wigging out. Big time and-"

" You go do your job." Meredith glanced wistfully into the room in front of them, "I'll handle Dr. Karev."

"Are you sure?"

"Better me than you."

The fifth year nodded and took a few steps, eyeing Meredith closely, "Okay..."

"Go away, Dr. Rooney."

As he scampered off, Meredith turned and tentatively entered Alex's supply closet, stepping over the fallen packages of gauze and bandages. She winced when she noticed that several of the fallen boxes contained sterile items. If the packaging had gotten damaged it would be unusable, and would likely cost Alex a pretty penny.

Seeming to sense her thoughts, Alex looked up with a wry smirk, "Hunt's gonna be pissed..."

"Yeah," Meredith breathed, walking up to the wall and sliding to the floor next to her old friend.

Alex sighed, running a hand down his neck, and leaning his head back against the solid surface behind him. She crossed her legs and sat in silence, idly picking up a discarded box of bandages.

"I have to hand it to you though," Meredith joked after a brief silence. "You don't half ass anything. Even freaking out..."

"No, I don't," he chuckled, extending one leg and resting his head on the knee of the other. "Especially when I am pissed.'

"What's got you so pissed?" Meredith probed.

Alex ran another hand across his face as though the simple action could whip away the distress that was clearly etched into his features. With a sigh he finally replied, "Izzie..."

It wasn't really a surprise to Meredith. Izzie, Izzie, Izzie. Always Izzie, she thought bitterly letting her own anger and resentment color her impressions.

"I don't-I don't think she's gonna let me see Kyle...I'm afraid she'll just take him back to Tacoma and we'll never see him again," Alex admitted, sounding heart broken. "She'll just take him and leave."

Meredith sighed. It was a valid enough fear, not only for Alex, but for all of them. Izzie had left once before.

However, knowing that the woman in question had, in fact, not left with no trace, and instead was parked on a bench in front of the hospital with April Kepner made Meredith wonder. Something didn't quite add up, but Meredith wasn't sure about anything. She didn't want to mention seeing the women earlier because she was a little nervous it might make Alex flip out once again.

"Did she...say that?"

Alex shrugged, "Not exactly. It started off alright, I guess. Trying to figure out what to do. I just wanted her to let me see Kyle on the weekends, you know? And then...I said stuff and she-yelled stuff, how I don't have custody or whatever and I said more stuff I probably shouldn't have and...here we are."

He gestured at the chaos around them.

Meredith nodded again, allowing her friend to vent and speak as he needed to. Even now, all these years later, there was still a lot of emotion between her old friends. Simmering just beneath the surface. The simplest conversations could dredge up old resentments and spiral out of control.

Alex sniffed guiltily, "I think Kyle heard..."

That would be something else that would upset Alex. Meredith knew his experience with his own father had been one of anger and abuse, and it was clear that he wanted to break that chain with his own children. His anger was likely as much disappointment in himself as it was anger at his ex-wife.

"April thinks we should get a lawyer," Alex continued.

"Is that such a bad idea?"

He scowled and scratched the back of his head uncomfortably, "Lawyering up screwed everything over in the first place. Her lawyers sent her papers to me, I gave them to mine and...here we are today."

Alex's fear and mistrust of "the system", authority, and rules in general was well documented throughout Meredith's whole experience with her friend. And it wasn't like his suspicions weren't unfounded. What had laws or lawyers ever done for Alex? Certainly didn't protect his family from an abusive father. At the same time, given the trouble Alex and Izzie seemed to have communicating, Meredith thought it might be a good move.

"Plus," Alex added in a mumble. He sighed and shook his head.

Meredith could tell he was holding something back, "Plus what?"

"Plus...what if...what if I get a lawyers and there's nothing they can do? I mean...I signed the divorce papers, Mer. Custody of the embryos all went to her. And any kid they might grow into. I'm afraid they'll just tell me that I can't see him anyway...and if this gets dragged in to some freaking custody fight...I just-that's gonna be hell on everybody. It'll be hell on Kyle."

A valid fear. Meredith didn't know what would happen if Alex did seek legal counsel. There would be no guarantees in this. But she did know one thing. A parent should never give up.

"Even so," Meredith answered, speaking from her own agonizing experiences. "You have to fight. If there is going to be one, you have to say you gave it everything. You fighting will matter to Kyle someday. Don't give up, even if it is hard."

Alex banged his head on the wall and swore softly. As the conversation seemingly ended, Meredith sighed. She could do little more than sit with her friend, so that was all she did. She didn't know how long they'd sat there, before a gentle knock pulled their gazes to the door way. The figures Meredith saw in the doorway surprised her and her eyebrows lifted in shock. Glancing over to Alex she could see that his jaw had dropped.

It was April  _and_ Izzie. They weren't quite standing side by side. April had stepped into the room and leaned up against the opposite wall, surveying the damage of Alex's outburst with eyes as wide as saucers. Izzie remained in the hallway looking both guilty and defiant keeping her head low. Meredith would be hard pressed to say which of the to women looked the most uncomfortable. April nervously wrung her hands in front of her, while Izzie's balled fists remained firmly stuffed into her jeans pockets.

No, they definitely were not side by side. But it was clear that they'd come here together.

Alex scowled, "What the hell?"

"We need to talk," Izzie began quietly.

"Ya think?" Alex grumbled.

She sighed, "I'm...sorry."

Alex glared and curled his lip, but April raised her eyebrows and tilted her head.

"Uh, me too," he fumbled after a beat. "Whatever. I...I get it. This is hard."

"No joke," his ex-wife agreed. "Hard doesn't begin to cover it. But...I think maybe we just need to swallow that pill. This is hard, and it's gonna be hard, but we're the grown ups and we  _all_  have to do what is best for Kyle. So..."

"So...?" Alex said skeptically.

"So, I am not going to take him away from you, Alex," Izzie conceded. "I...I know my promise doesn't mean much to you, but I do promise. I couldn't do that to him. I...it was a mistake to imply that I would. I've made mistakes. But I am going to let you see my...our son. He can even stay with you sometimes."

She held up a finger, "Not every weekend...at least...not until we get a better schedule figured out. And not right away, but..."

Izzie glanced over to April and swallowed, "We...talked. And...well, it made me think. We have to go for quality time above all. So...we'll figure this out, okay? We'll go to the cafeteria right now...and just...hash it out. You and me. Get something started."

Alex nodded, "Okay."

Feeling decidedly out of place, Meredith stood up, and headed for the door, "I'm just gonna...go..."

She walked into the hallway and Izzie took a step back. Alex was still sitting on the floor looking a little dumbfounded.

"Alex?" April asked tentatively, when a few moments passed and Alex still didn't move.

He looked at her then, and it was one of those moments Meredith often noticed where some sort of silent conversation occurred between them. April pursed her lips and she let her gaze sweep across the decimated supply closet. Alex shrugged, and his expression became sheepish. His mouth took on a half smirk. Suddenly, the two of them burst into a spontaneous fit of nervous giggles that took both Meredith and Izzie by surprise.

Alex shook his head and rose to his feet, "Wyatt is going to have a field day with this...I'm supposed to getting over the pissy crap"

"She'll probably make you do breathing exercises..." April agreed, taking a step back into the hallway as Alex left the closet.

Alex snorted. April bit her lip with a twinkle in her eye.

"Anger management. Maybe meditation."

Rolling his eyes dramatically, and nudging his fiancees shoulder as he brushed past her Alex complained, "Be still my beating heart."

April tilted her head to one side, "You might get a stress ball out if it."

"That would be kind of cool," he conceded, as a full smirk appeared on his face.

Meredith and Izzie watched the exchange with curiosity. It surprised Meredith that they were talking so openly about the fact that they saw a therapist, but then again, it wasn't something they'd hidden from her. And she'd never even pretended to understand the effect either of them could have on the other. Alex could calm April's most neurotic freak outs, and in turn April could ease even Alex's most unreasonable moods. They'd had their ups and downs over the years, but Meredith had seen on occasions like this that they could do for each other what no one else could. Use a little humor and joking to make even the most heavy situations that much more bearable. It wasn't always appropriate, or even always the kind of joking you'd see other couples do, but it worked for them.

Izzie, for her part, observed them, looking both intrigued and puzzled by the interaction. She crossed her arms and scratched the back of her head. It must be weird for her, Meredith thought. Alex had always been someone during the intern days that only Izzie really seemed to understand. It must be different to see your ex move on and be happy with someone else, even if you wanted the divorce.

April moved to the nearest nurses station and started to explain the mess in the supply closet and arrange for it to be cleaned up. Meredith moved off, down the hallway to treat her own patients, leaving Alex and Izzie in the hallway alone.

"Alright, Iz. Come on," Alex said, gesturing to the elevators that would lead to the cafeteria. "Let's do this."

Hearing that, Meredith smiled faintly. Maybe this wasn't going to be World War III after all. It was shaping up to be a lot more like a Yalta conference. A meeting of parents.

Allies, not enemies.

* * *

Christmas in Ohio was nice enough, as far as Alex was concerned, great even, despite the amount of freaking relatives crawling around the Kepner house. During the course of their stay, it seemed like people were coming out of the woodwork. More would be coming for the big ol' Christmas Eve dinner. To meet Adam, Alex supposed. And it was nice.

Different than he'd grown up with, and Alex was more than happy to let his kid have the kind of Christmas's where your cousins ran around and your grandmother made gingerbread in the kitchen, and your grandfather let you pet a pig. No fighting or crying or cops. Adam deserved better than what he'd had as a child. Alex just thought that mornings in Cook, Ohio started way too freakin' early.

It was only the eve of the big day, and yet, here Alex was, wide awake and up helping Joe and Mike and April feed the pigs in the chilly weather. It was just shy of 7 am. And it wasn't like he'd just gotten up either. Alex tried and failed to hold back a massive yawn. Jesus.

April hoisted a bucket, helping out as best she could, with her limp, and giggled when Alex yawned again.

Whatever. He couldn't help the yawning, but it wasn't complaining. Alex figured the least he could do was help Joe out. He was staying in the dude's house. Screwing his kid. Soon to marry her.

And Joe had always accepted him into the family. They were going to tell everyone about Kyle at the big family get together later in the day, and Alex was more than a little afraid because he knew it wouldn't go over well with the more conservative members of April's family. They were already shocked enough that April and Alex had had Adam "out of wedlock" (like people even cared about that crap anymore), so a long lost kid with an ex-wife wasn't going to do Alex's reputation around here much good. So, helping with the chores was also a bid, in a way.

A bid to keep Joe on his side.

Alex knew better than to get complacent. Things were going far too well on the Izzie front lately. Things were different. They'd agreed to slowly work their way up to Kyle spending longer periods of time with Alex. Since the day the boy went home from the hospital, he'd gone to visit in Tacoma once a week until this Ohio trip. And Iz had let April and Alex take Kyle with them when Adam had his first Santa picture at Westlake mall. In the new year, the plan was to have Kyle start staying over at the house. Izzie had even asked that they take him for a weekend in January when she had to go to a conference. Too good to be true.

Add to that, Adam's first plane ride had been a surprisingly painless experience. He'd barely been fussy and had been content enough to move from lap to lap, between Alex, April and Amber. Most of the trip he slept. Infants aren't supposed to be good at flying. Something had to give somewhere. So, with April's family finding out, Alex figured it was safe to expect the worst.

Wrinkling his nose as April poured some nasty smelling slop into the pig pen, speaking softly about breakfast to the assembled pigs, Alex shook his head. Though they had both grown up in the Midwest, the  _way_ they'd grown up had been completely different. Inner city Davenport was a world away from all this agricultural crap. There was so much knowledge surrounding farming that Alex didn't know and April clearly did.

The fuzzy pinkish beasts all clamored over to April as she dumped their food in, and Alex shifted his bucket awkwardly. Joe and Mike could tell Alex was out of his depth. April knew, and so did he. He was kind of crap with it actually.

A freaking huge hog, made a disgusting noise and brushed past Alex, eager to get to the new food, and despite himself, he scrambled to the side. Unfortunately, his borrowed boots were a little too big, and his feet slid around in side the shoe, causing Alex to momentarily loose his balance. Swearing viciously, it was all he could do to grab the side of the pen and stop himself from falling and looking like a complete idiot.

Mike snickered, and Joe shook his head. The stupid hog honked.

April covered her mouth with her hand, "It's only a pig, Alex."

He smirked, "A monster mutant fat pig."

The one good thing about getting up early was that chores got done early enough that it still felt like you had a morning left. By the time they were all done, and trudging back into the farmhouse, it was only 9 am. And they couldn't have gotten a better welcome into the house. From his seat on an old and well worn wooden high chair, Adam's toothless grin greeted Alex and April as they came into the kitchen from outside. Karen Kepner had managed to rouse Amber to prepare pancakes and coffee. Libby and the girls came up from the house, and the group enjoyed breakfast together. And nobody got too pissed off. Alex even enjoyed his future sister and brother in laws company for the most part. If only it could last.

Alex knew that the big Christmas Eve dinner was going to be the real test.

Later on, as more and more Kepner relatives started to trickle in, Alex found that he was better off chilling with Adam and the kids. At least he knew that they liked him. Claire and Tiffany had bonded with Alex from the start, his very first visit in fact, because they thought he was funny. Alice and Diego's little girl was an outgoing and curious enough toddler that she had no apprehensions about scrambling in to Alex's lap, even though he was basically a stranger. And while he was pretty sure Kimmie and Wendell's daughter Haley didn't remember him, Alex thought he was winning her over too.

In addition to April's sisters and their families, many extended family members that he was unfamiliar with showed up in the house, eager to meet Adam, and not only because he was the was the newest baby. Alex also suspected that he and April's current marital status (or lack thereof) was also a point of interest. Which made him feel crappy.

It was hard enough to keep track of April's sister's names. Let alone all these new people. Karen's sister Martha, and her husband Gus had driven in all the way from some place called Moline, (with the deaf in one ear Grandma Murphy in tow) and cousins, Fred and Doris, came from freaking Ferrndale with what felt like at least a dozen rampaging children. Alex found the whole thing to be pretty overwhelming.

He wasn't the only one either. Adam had gotten increasingly flustered and fussy throughout the day, as more guests appeared. Poor kid had gotten passed from person to person most of the evening, and he wasn't always that great with strangers and crowds. April kept trying to pry herself away from the vice like grip of all the chicks in the kitchen to rescue Adam, but the freaking flock of chick relatives seemed determined to pepper her with questions and share gossip. Alex did his best to comfort his son, limiting the getting passed around thing as best he could when Adam got too fussy.

They'd all come to see the baby, but it was clear to Alex that his son wasn't always keen on being the center of attention.

Amber on the other hand, seemed to be having a blast chatting it up with some of the teenage cousins or whatever. All the older kids seemed to think his little sister was cool since had a dyed blue streak in her hair and she was in college and studied architecture, which Alex thought was a little funny. They listened with rapt attention as she waxed on and on about kind of boring stuff really. Hair and statements. Neo-gothic this, and soaring buttress that. Like is was really so interesting. Alex got that it was fascinating to someone like Amber, who wanted to design stuff for a living, but how any of it could really hold much interest to anyone was was beyond him. Farm kids didn't get out much, he supposed.

Alex frowned and took a drink of his hot chocolate as he sat on the couch and supervised his son and nieces. Karen had laid out a warm blanket on the floor near the Christmas tree along with some toys, and Adam and all the girls were crawling around playing on it. Across from him sat Grandma Murphy. She looked positively ancient. Karen must have been one of her younger children. Alex chuckled. He was pretty sure that the old lady had fallen asleep.

It was clear to Alex that April and Adam and Amber all seemed to be people 'the family' was interested in seeing and talking to. Aside from the members of April's family that he was already close to, Alex noticed that he was getting a decidedly chiller reception. Freakin' Uncle Gus kept walking past periodically, and he was pretty sure the guy was only doing to to glare at Alex and mutter crap about "loose morals". Whatever.

Bouncing out of the kitchen happily, Alice sat down next to Alex bumping into his shoulder and grinning.

"Are you okay in here?"

"Hey, watch it!" Alex said shifting away from his future sister in law, and preventing his bevrage from sloshing all on the couch. "I'm fine. Whatever. I can handle the kids."

"So?" Alice inquired, ignoring his near spill. "What is this big news April keeps hinting at that neither of you has told me a damn thing about?"

"We're gonna tell everyone at dinner..." Alex grumbled.

More like April would. Tell the whole big group at once and have done with it. He sincerely hoped April would take the lead. He felt kind of bad, because if it was up to him, Alex wasn't sure when he'd tell April's family anything. Kyle, he felt wasn't really any of their business, especially if anyone was going to be weird or insulting about his own time, he'd have been content to tell Joe, Karen, Alice and Diego, and maybe the other sisters and have done with it. Then again, maybe he was being a coward.

Determined to snoop, Alice asked, "You're buying a house?"

Not if they wanted to afford any sort of nice wedding. What with covering his sister's tuition, his mother and brother's psych placements, and some lingering med school debts, Alex knew home ownership was still a long way off.

"We're good in the one we have right now, actually," he sighed.

It was clear that April's youngest sister was kind of having fun peppering him with twenty questions. Her eyes narrowed and she drummed her fingers against each other.

"April got a promotion?"

"Not that I've heard about."

"You then?"

"No."

"You're moving to Ohio?"

"Hell no."

"You've set the date for the wedding? June 29th, right?"

Alex scowled, " _You_  already know that, even if no one else does. So it's hardly big news to you. This was big news for everyone. Trust me."

Alice pouted, "Then it really is something I don't know?"

"You don't know this."

They were momentarily distracted by the sound of a giggle and a squeal coming from the blanket where the kids were playing. It seemed that the girls had figured out that Adam's mood greatly improved when there was music involved. All his cousins were happily clapping and singing Christmas carols, with Adam in the middle grinning and drooling. Their shrill voices seemed loud enough to rouse Grandma Murphy who's head jerked up.

"What?" the old lady demanded loudly, peering at Alex and Alice on the couch as though they were the reason she'd woken up.

"Nothing," Alice replied quickly with a smile. "Just the kids."

"Huh?" she gestured to one ear. "Damned hearing aids. I don't hear too well these days, honey."

"Believe me, we know," Alice whispered before leaning forward and raising her voice. "Merry Christmas, Grandma!"

"Oh!" the old woman seemed to have heard that. "Merry Christmas to you too, Libby, dear."

"It's Alice."

"What?"

"I'm Alice."

"Come again?"

"Nevermind."

That response seemed to satisfy Grandma Murphy because she nodded, and turned her attention to the children playing on the blanket. Alice turned back to face Alex, clearly still trying to guess what news he and April had to share.

The dark haired Kepner sister gasped, and covered her mouth, "Oh my God! Oh...are you? Are you guys having  _another_  baby? You're not going to have to postpone the wedding again, are you?"

Setting his mug of cocoa on a table near the couch Alex ran a hand down the back of his head. Not exactly another baby. He'd certainly gained another kid, and he supposed, April had too, but Kyle was not what Alice would expect.

"We're getting married June 29th 2015, come hell or high water," Alex replied finally. "April already booked us at St...something or other."

He'd visited the place with her only a matter of days before flying out here actually. Alex had thought it was nice enough, especially since April seemed to love it. He was just happy that there was room enough to do a kick ass reception, complete with booze. If he was going to have to put on the tux and grit his teeth through all the ceremony and stuff, because he knew that was the kind of wedding April had dreamed of, at the very least he wanted to have a hell of a party afterwards. April agreed and they'd put their name down on the spot.

"Hmm..." Alice looked pensive and then suddenly fearful. "It...it is good news isn't it?"

"Nobody's dying," Alex muttered. He wasn't sure whether Alice or anyone else in the family would actually end up categorizing finding out about Kyle as "good" news.

"You're not going to crack, are you?"

"Nope."

"Spoilsport."

Smirking, Alex shrugged, "I have to get my kicks somehow."

"Hold on!" Grandma Murphy spoke up again, pointing one skeletal finger toward her granddaughter. "My cataracts are just terrible...You're not Libby."

"No, Grandma. I'm Alice."

"That's not your husband."

For all that she could barely hear and barely see, Alex supposed the old lady was a bit of a snoop. It was no wonder that April, her mom, and all of her sisters had particularly loud and shrill voices. Probably the only way they could communicate with the nearly deaf old woman at all. Then again, he thought with a smirk, maybe it was the other way around. The shrill voices might have caused the deafness.

"No," Alice explained loudly. "This is Alex. He came from Seattle with April." She gestured to Adam and the girls as they continued playing on the blanket in front of them. "They brought the baby to meet everyone."

"Aw and he is cute," Grandma Murphy said fondly, as she looked down at Adam. She blinked, "April and who?"

"April and Alex brought their baby to see us!"

Alice seemed sadly amused by the older woman's hearing troubles, and Alex was never much good at dealing with old people so he simply kept his mouth shut.

When all the food was ready, Karen ushered the whole freaking clan into the cramped dining room. The place was packed and it seemed to Alex that every single available table, from the kitchen table to a fold out outdoor picnic table. Everyone clustered in groups, with Karen and Joe at the ends of the table. Amber, Alex and April sat nearer to Karen, with Adam's highchair between, and Alice and her family directly across from them, and Grandma Murphy to his right.

As everyone started to eat and converse, Alex was quiet and only picked at his food. Which was pretty freaking unusual because Karen was one hell of a cook. April had learned a lot from her mother. His appetite was off. Not that he was nervous or anything.

The uncharacteristic behavior did not go unnoticed because, April lifted her gaze to his questioningly as she offered a spoon of mashed potatoes and leeks, "So when do you think...should we tell them?"

Before Alex could reply, Amber rolled her eyes and spread butter on a roll, speaking loud enough for everyone to hear, "Yes, you should freaking tell them. I'm tired of keeping this crap a secret."

"Shh!" he snapped, still feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation.

But Alex's warning came too late, because across the table, Alice's interest had clearly picked up, as she turned her attention away from persuading her daughter Gaby to eat some green beans. Alex's heart sank as her husband Diego too, joined his wife in looking across the table at them expectantly. Damn. The dude was kind of his buddy, but even he looked like a kid in a candy store. And the trend spread down the table like wildfire, as gradually the silverware clanking and loud chatter quieted down, and in a matter of moments the whole table from Uncle Gus right down to Claire and Tiffany, turned their collective attention to Alex and April.

"Come on, you two," Karen encouraged with a grin. "You can't keep us waiting any longer. What is this big announcement that April keeps hinting at?"

Alex scowled and looked at all the faces around the table. Most were eager and open and excited. Diego and Alice looked positively giddy, as did Kimmie, Karen and April's nieces. They were probably expecting to hear news about the wedding since they had been the most excited about it way back when Alex had first popped the question. Or maybe they thought the announcement would be about April's job or something.  _Anything_  but what they were about to say. In the awkward pause that followed, Alex felt his mouth go dry.

There were also faces at the table that were less friendly. Uncle Gus and Aunt Martha looked at Alex with thinly veiled disapproval, and Mike nudged Wendell with a snicker. Libby just pursed her lips and shook her head. They expected the worst, and Alex was pretty sure that Kyle's appearance in April's life was not something these members of her family were going to thank him for. It was just a hunch. The other people at the table were less easy to read. Grandma Murphy's face gave nothing away, so Alex figured she was just confused. And Joe...Joe was the one person at the table who Alex didn't want to be pissed. And his expression was completely unreadable.

Crap. Alex didn't honestly know why he cared so much what all of April's family thought. He knew what April thought, and she'd gotten wholeheartedly on board with being a part of Kyle's life and that really should be all that mattered right? Under the table April reached out her hand and threaded her fingers through Alex's own, and suddenly he didn't feel so bad.

"Well," April began awkwardly. "Alex and I...we have a new addition to the family..."

"You're pregnant!" Alice slammed her hand down on the table in excitement, "I knew it!"

"Wait," April continued, as Alex shook his head vigorously. "Everyone just hold on one-"

Libby tutted, "Let me guess. The wedding is going to be 'postponed', yet again. Seems like any time you come within a mile of getting married, he gets you pregnant."

Mike, Martha, and Gus chuckled, despite the death glares they were getting from both Alex and April. Joe's expression was still unreadable and Karen looked a little uncertain.

"Shut up!" Amber snapped across the table. "You don't know what the hell-"

"Language, Amber," April hissed gesturing to the amount of children present.

The table erupted in conversation, and it was clear to Alex that the situation was quickly getting out of hand. Giving April's fingers a gentle squeeze, Alex raised his voice, "Nobody is pregnant."

"No?" Alice seemed genuinely disappointed. "But you said 'new addition' and that usually means..."

"It's not that  _kind_  of new addition," April started again only to be interrupted by her third sister.

"Then you are getting a dog?" Kimmie said, whipping the corner of her mouth with a napkin.

Alex looked at her in shock and found himself surprisingly amused. Freaking A. April always said her next youngest sister was the most literal out of all of them. When she heard different kind, her go to thought was different species.

"You got a puppy, Uncle Alex?" Claire asked with enthusiasm, taking more interest in the conversation now that the possibility of a new pet was in the mix.

"No," he replied. "Adam has a big brother."

April's eyes widened but she followed his lead, "Yes, his name is Kyle, and...well you know Alex is divorced..."

Alex had not intended to just blurt out the truth. Quite the contrary, his plan was to let April drop the big bomb. And it was a big bomb. You could see it all on their faces as the realization dawned on them, and they tried to work out how their brand new baby nephew could suddenly have an  _older_  brother. He shook his head in frustration as the chatter erupted at the table once again. Everyone was suddenly just talking, and neither April nor Alex could hear enough of what was being said to freaking understand who was speaking let alone get a word in edgewise to explain.

 _"Did he cheat on you?"_ Came Wendell's line of questioning.

Libby voiced her suspicions,  _"I bet he knew his ex had a baby and lied about it."_

 _"Settle down, everyone, I am sure there is a logical explanation,"_  Joe tried to calm the group.

Out of the cacophony of voices, Tiffany piped up dejectedly,  _"You mean we got another boy cousin?"_

The noise and elevated tension in the room was palpable, and Adam started to fuss, so April carefully lifted the boy into her lap, straightening her shoulders and quieting down the whole table with a firm tone.

"Everybody, please be quiet for just one minute and we will explain; it's really not what you think."

When the crowded dinning room shut up, April and Alex began to speak. The complicated, ex-wife-cancer-frozen-embryo story did seem to clear up a few points. They casually slipped their chosen wedding date into the conversation and that, for whatever reason, seemed to ease much of the unease people seemed to be feeling. Alex was also adamant about the fact that he really would never make any other choice than to care for his child, no matter what the circumstances. If they thought it was a bad call, they could suck it. Alex knew there were no other options.

Karen's eyes reflected only sympathy, and Alice and Diego shook their heads in disbelief. It was quite the story. The kind of crap that doesn't happen to normal people, in normal family's like April. Alex knew he was the one who brought in all this dysfunction, and he'd seen what it had done to his own family, but that was part of the reason he was doing what he was with Kyle at all. He and Amber were lucky, and he didn't ever want things to be messed up for either of his sons. And it looked like April's family understood why it was so important to Alex to be there for Kyle. Joe's expression only held approval, and Alex didn't know why, but that made all of his apprehensions disappear.

Like, whatever, about the rest of them. Alex still had the old farmer's respect.

"We're happy to have him in the family," April concluded, "Kyle already loves Adam. He's a great little boy and I can't wait to get to know him better."

Alex felt his chest tighten and he took a gulp of water. He knew from talking with her, and from their sessions with Dr. Wyatt that April really was coming to terms with the whole Kyle situation. Hell, he still had no idea what she'd talked about with Iz the day the boy was released from the hospital, but it had gotten his ex-wife to come to the table and actually discuss what needed to be done. He'd known that his fiance was adapting to having Kyle in their lives. But Alex had never heard her speak about his older son in that way.

"And...and the two of you?" Karen ventured. "I mean, it sounds like this was a bit of a shock..."

"You're telling me," Amber mumbled.

"We're solid," Alex replied quickly, ignoring his sister. "It was a shock-"

"But we got through it," April agreed.

Joe nodded and resumed eating his dinner, catching Alex's eyes, "Well, I'm all for having another grandson..."

"Dad," Libby admonished. "His child with his ex-wife is hardly your grandson. He's not even related to you. Or any of us really."

"Doesn't matter to me," Joe said sternly. "Adam's my grandson, so I'll consider his brother a grandson too."

"But-"

"But nothing Libby, it's only fair. And it doesn't hurt anyone at all."

April beamed at her dad, and Alex shook his head. He didn't have the freaking words to thank Joe. Throughout the rest of the night, he set the tone for the rest of the night, and even though it was clear to April and Alex that Libby, Mike, and some of the others weren't exactly approving. Every time they tried to say something rude or whatever, Joe shut them down. Hell of a dude.

"So...it's of those freeze dried children?" Grandma Murphy asked, in an unexpected lull in the conversation, and pointing to Adam.

Amber held her head in her hands, "Oh dear God."

"No, Grandma," April explained. "Adam is my baby. Kyle is Alex's other son with his first wife...he was the one who was a frozen embryo..."

"What?"

"Alex has another child with his first wife!"

"Who? Alan?"

"Alex, Grandma.  _Alex_."

"I thought his name was Alan."

And the conversation at the table swiftly continued, moving on from the unusual new development in Alex and April's lives to other topics of interest. New jobs, crop prices, and other boring crap really. It had been awkward as hell, but it was over.

Exchanging a look with April, Alex smiled, unable to hold in his laughter. Freaking weird as the whole thing was, he was becoming more and more okay with dealing with April's family. Sure, they were ridiculous and neurotic and had pigs and could be overwhelming, but they really weren't all that bad. In laws were supposed to get on your nerves sometimes anyway. According to Mer, at least.

Maybe things in general were looking up. Christmas Eve was not a total disaster.

* * *

"Well, it wasn't the worst thing in the world," April explained to Jackson, as she pushed a cart through the crowded aisles of Land of Nod, a local children's furniture store. Adam kicked his feet from the baby seat and gurgled, while Jackson shook his head in disbelief. "It really could have been  _much_  worse."

In retrospect, she probably should have told people in her family one at a time, rather than make a big deal out of everything and explain Kyle's existence to them all at once. But April had felt it was important-it was an important step for her- to tell her whole family about Kyle. She'd been almost excited to do it actually.

It was like she'd tried to explain to Alex and Dr. Wyatt, in their most recent therapy session. She felt like she'd turned a corner with the whole thing really, and she was actually kind of...well perhaps not looking forward to dealing with, but not resigned to either. Having Kyle in her life was a challenge that April was now ready to accept. And embrace. Where she hadn't been ready to share the news with her family at first, her new found peace with all the circumstances drove her to do it. April was ready to have the rest of the world know that she was a stepmother.

So what, if announcing it all at Christmas Eve dinner had made a bit of a splash? At least it saved her and Alex the drama of telling people individually. That would have caused just as many waves, if not more, given the fact that she knew certain relatives would have been offended if they didn't hear the news before others. This way, it was all out in the open at the same time for everyone to hear.

Except Grandma Murphy, but she couldn't hear much anyway. They'd repeated the details at a louder volume and she seemed to get the gist.

"Man, I bet it was totally awkward though," Jackson said, holding up a small blue lamp with raised eyebrows.

They were furniture shopping, in preparation for Kyle's first overnight weekend stay with April and Alex while his mother was at an oncology conference. Alex was nervous about it, and she'd decided the best way to deal with that would be to prepare, and make his space at their home as comfortable as a second home could be. What had once been Izzie's room in Meredith's house was currently being transformed into her stepson's second bedroom, with a little help from their friends, of course. Those who had the day off that is. Currently, Alex, Meredith, Cristina, and Mara of all people were re-painting the walls of the room, while Zola "supervised". April, Adam, and Jackson were out shopping for a bed, dresser, and toy chest.

She'd actually expected to be joined on the shopping trip with Mara. At least in the original plan. But when her best friend and his girlfriend arrived at the house earlier in the afternoon, April had detected a decidedly chilly vibe between the two. Mara was all pursed lips and Britishness, and had insisted on doing her bit and "mucking in" with the painting, suggesting not so subtly that Jackson join April on the shopping trip instead. The whole thing was odd, because Jackson had spent the Christmas holiday in London with Mara's family and as far as April knew, things had gone well. Something was off between them, but so far Jackson had been unusually chatty, and steered the topics away from himself.

"It doesn't seem like the kind of thing a lot of them would roll with. Divorce and all of that. Didn't one of your uncles call Adam a bast-um...the b-word back when he was first born?" Jackson continued, clearly determined to keep this line of conversation going. "Wasn't he there?"

"That was Cousin Warren, and no he wasn't," April replied uncomfortably. She'd never been particularly close to her mother's cousins Warren and Nancy. When her sister's had told her what had happened, including the part about how angry her mom and dad became and the fact that they'd refused to invite them to anymore family functions until Warren apologized, April was hardly gutted.

"Anyway, it all turned out for the best," she continued, shrugging her shoulders. "My mom and my dad basically are treating it like they've gained another grandson. And Alice and Diego are okay with Kyle, of course. And the rest...well, what they think doesn't matter as much."

Jackson sighed. He'd never been as good as he pretended about not letting what his family though influence his decisions. April watched her friend closely. He looked pretty miserable. His blue green eyes were down cast, and his shoulders slumped.

"Do you think he'd like this lamp?" Jackson asked, holding up a cute looking lamp with soccer balls all on it.

April grinned. She still felt like she didn't know much about Kyle, but if there was one thing she'd learned was that he loved sports. She couldn't count the number of times she'd taken Adam to Kyle's room during one of Alex's visits and found father and son engrossed with some game on the tv. Kyle was only two, so his understanding of the rules was suspect, but when Alex became outraged by a play. he would be too.

"Yes," she agreed, placing the lamp in the cart. "He should like that."

They walked to the next aisle in silence, pausing to grab some matching pillows and a comforter set. Adam babbled happily and poked at the items in the cart. It was pretty clear to April that whatever was bothering Jackson, he wasn't going to be the one to bring it up. She'd have to press him.

"Jackson," April asked casually. "Is something wrong?"

"No." He would not meet her gaze.

"Are you sure? Because...you don't seem yourself. And Mara doesn't either."

Okay, well, at least as far as April could see. She wasn't particularly close to the dark haired woman and didn't pretend to be any sort of expert at all when it came to he best friend's relationship with his girlfriend. Unlike most of their other friends, who were pretty open and often over shared much of went on with their significant others, Jackson and Mara were both very private. And April knew she wasn't actually terribly experienced with relationships and all of that, aside from what she'd learned from being with Alex.

But it didn't take a rocket scientist to know that something was not right between them, and April was more observant of her friend than most.

Jackson pursed his lips an scratched the back of his head, "Well...she's kind of mad at me."

"Why? I thought...I mean, you said everything went well at Christmas."

"It did," he continued, offering Adam his wiggling fingers to play with. "Too well maybe."

April tilted her head to one side, "What do you mean?"

Shrugged Jackson swallowed, "I mean, she...she wants to know where we're going with...all of this. With  _us._ "

"Okay..." April replied tentatively. She didn't think it was an unreasonable desire for a person to want to know. Especially given the fact that Mara had lived with Jackson for nearly two years. It was perfectly normal for a person to wonder where everything was headed. April certainly had. Hell, she and Alex had only been together for a year when he'd asked her to get married.

"So she asked you..."

"About the future and stuff. Like getting married," He seemed so sad, almost mournful even.

"And you said?"

"I...said I wasn't...I said I liked the way things are now." He rubbed the top of Adam's hair. "I do. It's simple. Easy."

April frowned. Ouch. It was easy to see how Mara might take that the wrong way.

"She wants more than simple and easy?"

"Yeah..." Jackson sighed stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Or to know that we are headed toward more than simple and easy."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

"Probably not, but...I just-I don't want to lose what we have."

"And maybe being on the path toward...marriage is something that would mess with that?" April asked, confused. Jackson and Mara were in a long term committed relationship. He didn't talk about it much, but one of the few things he had told her about his girlfriend was that he loved her. How could a discussion about the future not fit in with that?

"It did for my parents," Jackson replied finally, after a long pause. "Especially when combined with being surgeons, and then having me. It was too much. The pressure. It ruined their marriage. And my dad."

April wrinkled her nose. It was a pretty well known fact that Jackson's father Travis had cracked under the tremendous pressure of being an Avery and ran off when Jackson was little, coming into contact with the family only once again in the past 27 years. And only then to finalize a divorce. Jackson's background gave him every reason to be suspicious.

"You don't want to take that risk of losing it all," April stated.

"I...why can't things just stay the same?"

That was the question indeed. Once, April had been all about keeping things the same. She still thrived on routine and stability and in the predicable. And yet, lately her life with Alex had been all about unexpected change. From nearly losing her leg to falling in love and from getting pregnant with Adam to finding out about Alex Stevens. Nothing stayed the same. Change was everywhere. And it wasn't always bad.

"Nothing can stay the same forever," April answered.

"It would be easier if it did," Jackson muttered.

Adam looked up at his mother and grinned, "Ma!"

April held his tiny hands and leaned forward to kiss his forehead, before turning her attention to her friend, "Things would also be very boring if everything in life stayed the same."

"Maybe," Jackson conceded. "For you. You were always braver than me..."

April snorted. "Very funny, Jackson." She was hardly a person anyone could describe as brave. And Jackson knew her well. He'd been her shoulder to cry on for more than enough occasions for him to know exactly how not brave she really was.

"I mean it," he said firmly. "I don't-I can't just be myself sometimes. I can't just be honest with people. Even Mara. I don't like putting stuff on the line when I don't know how things are going to play out."  _  
_

"You don't want to get hurt."

"I don't."

No one wanted to get hurt in life, and April knew that there was nothing more risky than joining your hopes and dreams with someone else. Nothing more dangerous than placing your heart in someone else's hands. But it also had the potential to make you happier than you ever knew how to be. It was a gamble, for sure, but April thought it was one worth taking if you loved someone.

"Do you love her?"

Jackson didn't hesitate, "Of course."

"If you knew that a marriage would work, would you want to be her husband?"

"Absolutely."

"Can you imagine your life without her?"

He shook his head vigorously, "I don't want to. I would hate it."

April tapped Jackson on the shoulder, "Then man up. Put on your boy boxers and talk to he again about the future." She smirked and tried to lighten the mood by adding, "Or is it big boy briefs?"

Jackson laughed, and nudged her shoulders, "April!"

"I mean it, Jackson. If you are telling me that you love Mara, and the one thing that you are afraid of in thinking about the future is the fear that things won't work out, then I guarantee you that they won't."

Putting herself in Mara's shoes, April knew that it was true. She could remember the very conversation she'd had with Alex, once after he'd taken her to a nice dinner out and after they'd...celebrated at home. The conversation where she'd finally been able to finally learn that the "thing" they'd been doing for the past few months was a relationship. The kind of relationship that was on a path. A path that would ultimately lead Alex and April to Adam and to June 29th. If Alex had told her then that he didn't want to go in that direction...well, she'd probably have had to think long and hard about moving on. Because she'd wanted a relationship, with  _that_ kind of direction. April could understand Mara's frustration.

"Look," April continued earnestly. "You don't know what will happen in the future. None of us does. But you'll never know what could have been if you never even try. If you hold on to this moment too hard, it's going break, and then you really will get hurt. Talk to Mara."

Jackson gave her a bemused look, "If you hold on to a moment to hard, it's going to break? Where'd you come up with that one?"

"Hallmark channel," April smirked and angled her chin. "Maybe Lifetime."

He chewed the corner of his lip and was thoughtful for a moment, "I don't know...you have a point."

"I  _know_ I have a point. The question is whether you know I do."

Jackson chuckled, "You like being right."

"Not really, it just happens a lot," April laughed.

Adam giggled and pointed between them, "Ma! Ja!"

April's eyes lit up and she clapped her hands for her son, "That's right, Adam! You got it. Mama and Uncle Jackson."

Jackson held out his hand for a little high five, "Way to go, little man." Adam didn't quite have the high five thing down, so he mimicked his godfather by holding out his hand. Grabbing hold of the baby's out stretched palm and doing a handshake instead, Jackson mumbled, "I'll talk to her. I'll try."

Wrapping one arm around her best friend's shoulder, April grinned, "That's good, Jackson. I'm glad."

"Well, just promise to come out and get trashed with me, if things don't work out."

"Deal."

Looking at their full cart April's thoughts turned to her own life. They had a be set, and a lamp and sheets. This time next weekend she, Adam, and Alex would be spending their first night with Kyle in their home. It was also a bit of a gamble, for everyone involved. It was a risk for Izzie to leave her son in the care of someone else. A risk for them to trust Izzie's word that she would continue to let Alex see Kyle. But it was a risk they all knew was worth taking, because ultimately it was the best for the children.

It was a change, for sure. But they were all working together to make sure that it was a good one.

"Change, Jackson..." April said as the begain pushing their cart to the next aisle. "Change can be scary, I know. I really do. But it is  _so_  worth it. Trust me."


	17. Chapter 17

"So," Dr. Wyatt said breezily, spinning her pen between her fingers as she looked at her two clients. "Kyle has stayed with you how many weekends now?"

Scratching his head Alex squinted. He loved having Kyle over so much that had sort of become routine. "Five...or six..."

"Six," April confirmed with a nod.

Wyatt's eyes darted back and forth between Alex and his fiance, "How has that been going?"

"Pretty well," April replied hesitantly, glancing to Alex. "I mean, things have definitely improved since the first night, right?"

He shrugged and made a face, "Yeah...he's a freaking toddler so it's not like it was ever going to be a walk in the park. They don't call it terrible twos for nothing."

Alex thought back to the very first night Kyle Stevens had stayed in Seattle. He could admit that he'd been pretty damned unprepared for how everything would shake out actually. He'd gotten so focused on the fact that he wanted to see his son and that it blinded him a little bit to how hard the transition was going to be for Kyle. Just because the boy had been cool with Alex, Adam, and April visiting in the hospital and whatever did not mean that he was going to embrace spending two nights away from his mother for no apparent reason (that Kyle knew, anyway).

Integrating new people into your life was never easy. Neither was embracing a new home. Alex had learned that lesson well enough in his own life. He just supposed Kyle was having to learn that the hard way at a very young age.

"What happened the first night?" Wyatt probed.

"It was freaking hell," Alex mumbled, wincing at the memory. It felt like Kyle had screamed the whole night. There hadn't even been that many tears in the house when Adam was a newborn.

April reluctantly nodded, "Nobody got very much sleep..."

Shifting on the couch Alex recrossed his leg and winced. Stupid old thing. There was a spring in his butt.

"That must have been stressful for you." Wyatt commented, making him roll his eyes. Understatement of the century.

"In a word? Yes," Alex nodded. Sometimes he thought the psychologist just said obvious crap like that to get on his nerves. Or to get him thinking. Maybe both.

Kyle had been cool during the day. Alex had driven down to Tacoma to pick the boy up and things had started out fine. April had gone to work and taken Adam to daycare so Alex and Kyle could have some really concentrated time alone to bond. Alex thought that was important. Plus, Kyle was his kid, not April's and he'd wanted to handle things on his own with as minimal impact on his fiance's life as possible. The situation already brought them enough drama.

They'd gone to the park and ordered hot dogs from one of those stands along the waterfront and even visited the toy store. Kid still hadn't called him Dad, but at least they both had a good time. Alex had taken Kyle home after that and shown the toddler his new sports themed bedroom.

Moving as gingerly as his healing hips would allow, Kyle had curiously looked around the room. Alex remembered placing the boys overnight bag on the bed as his son looked around.

Kyle picked up a toy truck and the question came, "Mine?"

At that point Alex was still in the over confident sort of phase, thinking that it would be fine. It was going to be a piece of cake to have Kyle stay over. No big deal. The boy understood. He'd like it.

So, sinking to the edge of the bed, Alex laughed, "Sure little dude."

Another toy was lifted, "Mine?"

And another and another and another.

"All yours, kiddo."

Alex almost had to laugh at the gleeful way that Kyle systematically explored his new room. April, Mer, Amber, and even Cristina had all told him he was probably over buying stuff for his older son, but Alex had just wanted the room to...well, to look like a real kid's room. He'd wanted things to be balanced since it felt like Adam's nursery was overflowing sometimes and he never wanted Kyle to view his place in Alex's house as anything less than his brother. He'd been in foster home that were like that. You could always tell the real kids rooms from the fosters. Nicer, cleaner, more stuff. More love.

This room would be different. Not simply a place he slept in every now and again. He knew that things didn't equal love, but he wanted the room to feel like Kyle's. And he couldn't figure another way to start.

Alex wanted it to be another home.

"See," Alex explained, lifting Kyle into his lap and gently cradling the boy's bulky cast arm as he gestured to the rest of the space. "When you are here, this is gonna be your room, because I am your Dad and you are a part of my family even when we don't live together all the time. Understand?"

Of course Kyle didn't understand, and Alex had known that. Toddlers couldn't understand crap like that. He supposed he just needed to say it out loud for himself, since it was an idea he was still getting used to as a parent. All the same, Kyle's brown eyes grew pensive for a moment, as though he really was trying to understand. Then, he'd jumped down from the bed and started to play with his new haul of goodies, and Alex had let himself feel too much relief.

He'd thought things would be okay after that. All this blended family crap was a synch. It would all be fine. And it was at first.

April came home with Adam, and Kyle seemed both surprised and happy to discover that both 'Brubah' and 'Doc' lived here too. He'd seemed happy enough as the four of them ate dinner together, and more than happy to watch the movie  _Cars_  with Alex while April had put Adam to bed.

Kyle had even gotten comfortable on the couch. Comfortable enough to lean his small warm body against Alex's chest. Comfortable enough to doze off there in fact. When he realized this Alex had smirked, flipping off the movie and making his way upstairs to tuck the boy in.

Passing April in the hallway as he returned from Kyle's room, he crossed his arms, "He's down for the count. Piece of cake."

"Already?" his fiance had asked skeptically. "Didn't Izzie say he needed to have a bath and a story before-"

Alex waved his hands dismissively, "Whatever. Routines aren't all they're cracked up to be. He's tired. He is not gonna wake up."

April shrugged, skepticism clear in her eyes, "If you say so, Alex."

He'd beamed in pride as he and April spent the rest of the night together, sharing a glass of wine and watching some weird ass documentary on PBS about outer space and string cheese or something that April wanted to see. Alex swore she'd already forced him to watch before. Elegant bullshit. All the while, Kyle had gone down without a peep.

Around 11 o'clock they'd decided to call it a night and crawled into bed for what Alex had expected to be a decent night sleep. One of the most decent night's sleep he'd had in a while, because for the first time, his family was altogether under one roof.

That is until he found himself being jostled awake by April, and he could hear the sound of crying coming from down the hallway. Kyle was definitely awake. And screaming bloody murder.

"He's awake," April had yawned, sitting up in the bed, and pulling her tousled hair behind her ears.

"Really? I hadn't noticed," Alex had snapped, as he stood up from the bed. He was freaking tired. He hated hearing a child of his cry. Always had and probably always would. And in that moment he had also terrified that the screaming meant that this whole shared custody thing wasn't going to work.

Scowling briefly at him, April had huffed as a sound of another crying boy reached their ears, "And that's Adam awake too...great."

Shaking his head at the memory, Alex lifted his gaze to Wyatt. "He woke up at about midnight, and I don't really think he ever really went down again, and actually slept until..."

"4:22," April finished his sentence. Wyatt and Alex both turned to her in surprise. "When you came back to bed, that's the time I saw."

"It was bad. I have to stay with him for hours," Alex agreed. "He did a lot better the next weekend."

Dr. Wyatt's eyes flicked up from her pad of paper, "What did you do differently?"

Alex pursed his lips and drummed his fingers against the edge of the couch. A lot of things really. The first weekend he'd gone into it with a false sense of security, and after the disastrous outcome of that kind of thinking, he'd decided to take a different approach. As much as it pained him to admit, Alex couldn't handle the whole transition on his own. His ex-wife was a part of things, and however unwillingly, April was too.

"Well," Alex said sheepishly. "I didn't try to do everything by myself. We talked. Worked together."

April smiled at him and nodded to Dr. Wyatt, "And story time and bath time happened. Routines really do make a difference."

Of course. Always with the routines. Alex rolled his eyes and even Dr. Wyatt chuckled. Ignoring them April continued, "Plus I think Kyle started to better understand what was going on. I mean, he knew that he would still get to go home again after the weekend."

"Yeah," Alex agreed, shifting against the messed up couch spring. "And...well...we also called Izzie..."

Wyatt's face registered no small amount of surprise, "Oh?"

It was something that Alex had kind of wanted to avoid the first time around. He didn't want his ex-wife (or his future one, for that matter) to think he couldn't handle things on his own. That he wasn't capable of caring and providing for the children he loved. And more than that, he never wanted to give Izzie the impression that he  _needed_  her. That sentiment he knew was irrational and fueled by his lingering resentment and anger at his ex for leaving him behind.

But Alex had come to realize that none of that mattered when it came to the knew arrangement with Kyle. The fact of the matter was, no matter how much he was pissed at Izzie on some level, she was always going to be Kyle's mom. And no matter how unwilling April and Adam had gotten dragged into this whole thing, they were always going to be a part of Alex's family too. And so from that second week on, Alex had tried to look at the bigger picture.

He, Izzie, and April were the adults in this whole thing. That was the reality of the situation. They all had some responsibility, and they all had a role to play. So, instead of Alex working alone to care for Kyle when he came down for the weekend, the three of them co-parented. And really, subsequent weekends with Kyle had been much easier as a result. Freaking A.

April beamed, "Yes, we did. It actually helps to have Kyle talk to her right before we get him ready for bed. I thought maybe he was so sad the first time because he missed her. Calling makes a difference."

"That way he can kind of tell his mom what he did during that day and whatever," Alex explained, shrugging. "I think it kind of helps her too. And  _everybody_  got more sleep. We're all in this together."

If he didn't know any better, he'd say Dr. Wyatt seemed impressed. It looked like a smile was pulling at the corners of her mouth. Alex smirked.

"That's a very healthy approach to take," she commented, making another mark on her noted. "Shows a lot of growth."

April held up her hand and Alex pressed his palm to hers in a wince inducing high five. Wyatt's lips really did curl into a smile then, as she continued, "So? How are the wedding plans coming along?"

Alex chuckled as his fiance clasped her hands together and started gushing about all the little plans they'd made for June already. The caterers, and flower arrangements and crap like that. He tuned it out. It was gonna be a small affair if Alex could at all help it, but he knew April lived for this sort of thing. Had probably been dreaming about since she was a kid and whatever. Chick stuff.

Maybe the details and color schemes and all that crap would matter more to Alex if he hadn't have done the whole ceremony thing already. He figured if he was ever gonna let himself get all excited it woulda been for his wedding to Izzie. Especially considering she'd been on deaths door at the time. But even then, like now, Alex only cared about the details in so much as they mattered to his bride to be.

April wanted to get married in a church? Sure, he was cool with that. She wanted to invite nurses and residents and whatever too? Okay fine. Half a state worth of 'extended family'? Bring it on.

Pretty much all Alex cared about was getting to make things official. They could have the ceremony under the I-5. Eat cereal for the reception. April could walk down the aisle wearing freaking pajamas for all Alex cared. He'd thought of her as his wife for a long time now, and she'd lived up to her end of things by sticking with him through a lot of screwed up crap. She loved him, and he loved her.

That was more important than anything any priest, piece of paper, or big ceremony could say.

"Really?" April gasped, batting Alex's knee and looking his direction wide eyed.

Dr. Wyatt nodded, "I think so."

Turning his head in confusion, Alex shifted on the couch again. It was pretty clear at this point that he really had missed something along the lines in the conversation. So much for zoning out. He made a face and tried to play along, nodding gingerly and trying not to act too surprised when April impulsively grabbed his hand and squeezed. Whatever it was he'd tuned out for was more important than just wedding talk. Crap.

"You've both come a very long way, and your progress really is commendable," Wyatt explained. "I think our work together has really made a difference."

"Oh, it has!" April agreed enthusiastically.

She nudged Alex, and he fumbled, "Uh, sure. Whatever."

It really had, actually. He'd never have guessed he would ever grow to kind of like a shrink but Wyatt had definitely helped them. The truth was, for all Wyatt had done for them, and as much as he trusted her personally, Alex still found that shrinks made him uncomfortable.

The therapist leaned forward and held out her hand shaking both Alex and April's hands in turn. Wincing Alex nodded and smiled awkwardly as his eyes darted between the two women in the room.

"Thank you so much, Dr. Wyatt!" April said. "We really appreciate everything you've taught us."

"Well done both of you," the therapist said smiling. "I'd like to have a check in after you've been married about a year, but other than that I would say our work here has run it's course. Remember that I am always here when you need me. I expect an invitation to the wedding."

"Of course!" April agreed.

Alex blinked, "Wait, what?"

Wyatt was there when they needed, did that mean...that they really didn't need her anymore? The surprise must have shown on his face because the stern expressioned psychologist grinned and rolled her eyes fondly.

"That sorry to say goodbye, Alex? Or that embarrassed to have me at your wedding?"

"No, I just-You're sure?" he asked cautiously. "You're sure we're ready..."

Dr. Wyatt smiled and closed the notebook in her lap, turning to place it on a stack of folders on her desk, "I think you are prepared to handle a lot. You  _have_ handled a lot. You're definitely ready for this new phase of your lives."

Alex exhaled, and smiled, watching April out of the corner of his eye. He'd never been one to place much trust on the official. Authority was not his friend. But somehow knowing that a certified shrink thought he wasn't too much of a freak to get married made Alex feel like he could really do it.

* * *

Meredith knew she'd had to do it. Alex would have had a fit otherwise. And Derek would have given her one of those looks, one of those "you know better looks" and April would have too. Cristina would have said she was chicken. Richard would have told her he was disappointed.

So there wasn't really a choice. Meredith  _had_  to invite Kyle to Zola's 4th birthday party. There was been no getting around it.

The real crux of Meredith's reluctance had nothing to do with Kyle at all. It was his mother.

Kyle had spent Friday and Saturday night at Alex and April's place, and would be going home to Tacoma after the party. But both April and Alex were stuck working at the hospital. Meredith was, in fact, going to watch Adam overnight for them. They would not be driving the older boy home to Tacoma. Why the hell did Hunt have to schedule them both to work? Izzie was going to pick her son up from Zola's party. Inviting Kyle meant there was no getting around dealing with his mother.

And in the end, that was what Meredith had been afraid of all along. She'd never had a problem with Kyle. It was his mother that Meredith still hadn't quite come to terms with.

Though, so far, Meredith conceded looking around at the assembled toddlers of Zola's party group, she could say that things were going very well indeed. It was already late afternoon and throughout the party Kyle Stevens fit in quite nicely with Zola's group of little friends.

They'd kept the festivities small, and only needed Derek, Cristina, Mark and Callie to help chaperone Only Sofia, Nicholas from daycare, her sister Molly's daughter Laura, Kyle, and Adam were in attendance, and given Zola's choice of party venues, this was a very good thing. She'd wanted to have her party at Hello Cupcake, a venue in downtown Seattle, that allowed the children to bake and decorate their own cupcakes.

Currently, while the adults looked on in amusement as all the children were crammed into the bakery's brightly painted party room, covered in equally bright messes of frosting as they added the final touches to their respective cupcakes. Meredith looked on fondly at the group surrounding her daughter.

They were each given special junior baker aprons with the store's logo's on the front, though now it was barely visible on any of the children's chests. Laura, being older and more sensible than her young cousin and her friends, was far cleaner than anyone else at the table. Zola's was a fiery looking mess of orange frosting, and red sprinkles on top of a dark chocolate cupcake. Sofia had opted for a pink and white frosting covered vanilla treat.

The boy's flavor and color combinations seemed to be less coordinated. Nicholas had chosen a frosting color called "alien green" supplemented by jellybean decorations, while Kyle seemed content with colors he associated with "wace car" so his chocolate cupcake had generous assortments of red, blue, and white frosting.

Adam was too young to really participate in the way that the older children had, so he was set up with a mini cupcake in a high chair near the adults. He seemed content enough to watch the older kids, and with mashing up (and eating) the cupcake with his hands. All the while babbling up a storm to no one in particular. Adam couldn't actually say much, but damned if he didn't talk a lot.

Bless the baker, Yolanda, who ran the party and kept everything on track. Working with a bunch of over excited toddlers on sugar highs day after day could not be an easy job. Yet, the woman was fun, pleasant and knew how to make Zola feel special without making the other kids feel excluded. Meredith could hardly ask for more.

The party was almost over, and it was clear that the little kids were all getting a bit impatient. Presents had been opened, they'd all had fun playing with the dough and waiting for the cakes to back. Meredith was actually surprised that a baking birthday had seemed to be pretty fun for them all. However, it was clear that patience was running thin.

"Can we eat the cupcakes, yet?" Sofia asked staring at her finished baked good with sad eyes. "Pwease?

"Hold on just a minute Sofiarita," Mark replied gently, patting his little girl on the shoulder. "We just want to wait a minute until everybody is finished making their cupcake pretty. And don't you want to wait and take a picture for Mama to see?"

Nicholas and Zola both swallowed nervously, and glanced at each other, with a tell tale smear of frosting and crumbs on their cheeks. Clearly not everyone could be that patient. Sofia pouted but refrained from eating her cupcake. She shot an unhappy glare at Kyle because he was the only one who hadn't really finished decorating. He was younger, and also slightly hindered by the half cast that covered his arm from the accident. Laura, having long since finished actively decorating her own cupcake, sighed and rested her head on one fist, watching the younger children with an expression of boredom.

"What's the point of taking a picture?" Cristina whispered. "A cupcake is a cupcake. It's not like we're making great works of art here..."

"Shh!" Meredith chastised.

Her best friend shrugged, "I'm just saying, Mer."

Her husband shook his head, "We need a picture."

Derek smirked and exchanged a look with Cristina that his wife did not miss. It was time to wrap things up. The figurative party gas tanks were running low. Across all age groups.

Meredith intervened, checking her watch as she spied her younger half sister Molly approaching the front door, "It's fine, Mark. I think we should probably get pictures now before the works of art all disappear into people's tummies."

As Callie, Mark, Cristina, and Meredith organized the children, Derek dutifully went around and photographed each child and their cupcake, along with a few group shots. With the arrival of Molly Thompson, Laura was the first child to trickle from the party. Soon, Nicholas's father arrived to take him home, and not long after that Callie and Mark left with Sofia, taking a tiny cupcake box with them.

"This guy's got cupcake in his hair," Derek said, lifting Adam from his high chair and making a face. Adam only cooed and reached a shaky hand to Derek's chin. "And he needs a change."

Kyle scowled, pointing and watching closely as the dark haired man carried the baby to the restrooms, "Brubah!"

"He was my God brother first!" Zola added, eyeing Kyle suspiciously.

"Daddy is just cleaning him up, Zozo. No need to fight," Meredith chuckled at the odd rivalry that had sprung up between the two children as she leaned forward and cleaned their hands and faces with a wet wipe. Both her daughter and Kyle Stevens were very protective of Adam Karev. It was kind of funny.

"I know," Zola said quietly. "I just saying...him was mine first."

"Mine!" Kyle pouted.

"Don't get bent out of shape, you two," Meredith said, regarding her daughter seriously and changing the subject. "So did you have a good birthday? Was this fun?"

Her daughter beamed and clapped happily, "Yes! I like baking."

Kyle grinned and pointed proudly to his wildly colorful creation, "Cake!"

Meredith was in the middle of cleaning Kyle's hands, which she noted were shockingly tiny versions of his fathers, when the boy scrambled out of his chair and bolted for the door, despite his still healing injuries.

"Mommy!" Kyle shouted, wrapping his arms around the figure in the doorway and clinging on for dear life.

"Hi there, little man," Izzie said, bending forward and lifting him to her hip. He buried his face in her neck and started to bawl as his mother smiled awkwardly.

Zola looked up at her mother in concern, and Meredith squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. She knew that spending weekends away from his mother was hard for Kyle, even though he did have a lot of fun with his father. Alex had gotten a bit discouraged when the boy had spent most of his first weekend in Seattle crying and tantruming for his mother. Things had gotten a bit better, but Meredith could imagine that it was still difficult.

"Sorry," Izzie offered, apologetically, as the crying continued. "I guess he's ready to go..."

"Yeah," Meredith swallowed and looked down at her hands, very acutely aware of the tension that still existed between them. It felt like everyone else had cautiously gotten back on board with Izzie being around again, albeit in a limited way. Bailey and Webber, her own husband, and even Cristina had at least managed to move to a place where they could easily hold a small conversation with the blonde woman. Meredith didn't think they found themselves at a loss for common ground the same way she did.

As if to illustrate that very point, Derek emerged from the bathroom carrying Adam and greeting Izzie with such ease that Meredith could almost roll her eyes, "Hey! You're here. How was the traffic?"

Izzie rubbed Kyle's back soothingly and replied, "A bit tight getting into the city actually, but not too bad."

Derek nodded, and he and Izzie started making small talk about a freaking freeway construction project. Like talking was easy as all that. Meredith began gathering up Kyle's backpack and small duffle bag.

"Zola," Derek continued. "Can you say thank you to Kyle's mommy for the princess dress up clothes?"

The girl's face lit up, and she pointed to Izzie, " _You_  gave me those?"

Izzie was someone who Zola was still very unfamiliar with. Meredith had explained to her that Alex had another son, but that Kyle had a different mommy than Adam, and that her name was Izzie. Zola's best and most amusing attempt to understanding the whole situation with Alex, April, and Izzie was to relate it to what she knew, which was the situation between Mark, Arizona, and Callie. Not right at all, obviously, but her comment had made Derek laugh. Meredith corrected Zola and told her husband to keep his mouth shut about Zola's comments because it would make Alex uncomfortable. And pissed.

Once it was clarified that Kyle's familty situation was yet another 'different shape' of family, a shape all it's own and completely independent of Sofia's, Zola seemed content. The girl knew only the most basic information and hadn't thus far picked up on the awkwardness between her mother and Izzie. It was probably for the best.

"Thank you!" Zola grinned.

The blond smiled, continuing to rub her son's back, "You're welcome Zola. I'm glad you liked them. It was nice to shop for a girl for once."

"Cuz girl stuff is better," Zola nodded, matter of factly, making her parents laugh.

"Too true. She is just a doll," Izzie laughed.

Zola's hands flew to her hips, "No I not! I'm a human being!"

Meredith giggled and Derek shook his head, saying, "We know you are, Zozo, that's just and expression. Thank you."

Izzie shifted, trying to lower her son to the floor so she could grab his things, but Kyle whined and clung even tighter. He wanted to no part in walking by himself. His tears, which had died down to sniffles, started up again.

"Here," Meredith said, surprising herself, and walking with the bags toward the door. "Let me help you carry his stuff to the car."

"Thank you," Izzie sighed gratefully stepping outside with Meredith on her heels.

Both women walked in silence, reaching Izzie's Honda, and beginning to load Kyle and his things in as the boy rubbed at his snotty nose and mumbled, "Home. Want home."

Meredith felt bad for the boy, but she supposed it was just a by product of the situation. Throughout the party, Kyle had given no indication that he was unhappy or homesick. He'd laughed and smiled along with everyone else. Perhaps it just all came to him in a rush. Watching as Izzie buckled the child into his car seat, she shrugged.

"He had a lot of fun, I swear," Meredith joked, gingerly handing Izzie the boy's boxed cupcake. "We have photographic evidence."

Her old friend chuckled and shook her head fondly, "Oh, I'm sure he did. He always gets like this when I pick him up."

"It's hard on him..."

"Yeah, but I guarantee you that as soon as we get home he'll be sulking and asking when he can see his brother again," Izzie continued knowingly. "It's kind of become his MO."

Despite everything the corners of Meredith's lips curled at the soft look that crossed Izzie's features as she spoke about her son, "He...he really took to Adam, didn't he?"

Beaming with fondness, Izzie smiled, "He did, yeah. It's actually...I mean, I wasn't exactly happy about all of this, but I will say...Kyle getting a brother has been a pretty good outcome. He really enjoys it. We'll see how long that lasts...all that stuff you hear about sibling rivalry..."

"I know," Meredith replied, thinking of Derek's childhood stories of constant bickering with his sisters, Alex's issues with Aaron and Amber, and her own experiences as an adult with Lexie and Molly. "I suppose it might help that they don't live together."

"True."

Shutting the backseat of her car, Izzie turned to face Meredith with a smile still on her face. Their gazes met and the expression fell a little bit as the blonde shoved her hands in her pockets. Meredith sighed. Where conversation once slowed easily between them, now only silence. There was a lot of stuff lingering beneath the surface. Resentment, sadness. A little anger. It was still awkward between them. And maybe it always would be.

But, as Meredith's eyes flicked over Izzie's shoulder to the view of Kyle through the car window, she realized that maybe that didn't matter so much. Their friendship would never be the same again. That was a fact. And perhaps it was that very fact that Meredith was really angry over. She knew they couldn't go back, and she resented the loss. But that didn't have to be a viewed as a bad thing.

Today, no matter what had gone down in between, she and Izzie weren't so different.

"I..." Meredith fumbled, uncertain how to convey her sudden revelation. "I am glad you let him come to the party. And thank you so much again for Zola's gift."

Izzie nodded, and turned to get into her car, "Not a problem."

They stood in silence again for a moment when Meredith blurted, "You're happy, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry?" her old friend was clearly confused.

Meredith winced, scratching the back of her head. She had no idea what she was saying, "With your life, I mean, car crashes not withstanding. Otherwise the way everything has turned out in Tacoma. Your job, Kyle and everything. You figured out how to be happy without Alex. Without everyone at the hospital. Without..."

"Without you?"

Meredith opened her mouth to reply and paused. Maybe. She realized that at least part of the hurt came from knowing that not only had Izzie left, despite her own heart felt plea for her former roommate to stay, but also that it seemed Izzie didn't really need their friendship. She'd never called or returned. It was painful enough that she left Alex after everything Meredith knew they'd been through together. It only added insult to injury to know that she had been well and truly left behind too.

She'd never thought about it like that, "I guess so..."

Izzie sighed and looked to the skies, leaning back against her car door, "I could say the same thing about you. All of you. I mean, you adopted a baby. Everyone survived these big tragic events together. Alex is like...he's really happy now...he's the guy I thought he always could be. And I am glad. It's just, you all figured out how to go on without me too. For better or for worse."

Meredith blinked, "I suppose that's right."

"It-" Izzie took a deep breath. "It doesn't mean I didn't miss you. It doesn't mean that I don't...miss you."

Meredith gasped. Izzie seemed shocked by the small admission, quickly shaking her head and turning to her car. The fact that her friend had left wounded Meredith in part because of the way Izzie had done it. She'd vanished, and without missing anyone or looking back. A card her and there was nothing. It never occurred to Meredith that  _not_ maintaining contact could mean anything else. But maybe it did. Hearing Izzie's words now made some of Meredith's anger fade away.

"Wait..." she tentatively rested her hand on Izzie's shoulder to stop her movements. "I..."

Meredith realized missed Izzie too. She had all along.

"Maybe...I can't actually remember the last time I went to Tacoma actually."

"Oh no?"

"No, and I don't think Zola has ever been down. Maybe we could get together down there sometime? Catch up a bit. Let the kids play? Kyle and Zola really did have a fun time."

"I'd like that."

Izzie smiled. A real genuine smile. The kind Meredith had seen many times in her residency in the tunnels or Seattle Grace, in the cafeteria over lunch giggling with George, and in her own kitchen over a batch of cookies. It was the kind of smile Meredith hadn't seen in a long time and she offered a grin of her own.

"Okay...well. I'll check my schedule. Let you know?"

Opening her car door and sliding into the driver's seat, Izzie agreed, "Sounds good. I will too. Talk to you soon."

Meredith nodded in reply as Izzie revved the car engine. She waved as the silver car sped off, suddenly feeling lighter. All her fears about letting Kyle Stevens attend Zola's party had been wrong. No disasters. No shouting matches. Only a little awkwardness. It was certainly a place to begin.

Whatever happened in the past, Meredith had to admit that they really had all ended up relatively happy in the end. Her and Cristina and Alex and Izzie. And just because they'd been happy in separate for a while, didn't mean they couldn't be happy as friends again. Someday. Meredith relized she just needed to let go of the old days. Good things come in time.

* * *

The dressing room in the bridal shop was completely padded and all white, somewhat disturbingly reminding April of the psych ward at Seattle Grace. Then again anyone bride to be who could honestly say that she enjoyed dress shopping, indeed any bride to be who said she found it to be anything less than a demeaning and deeply uncomfortable experience was freaking crazy in April's opinion at this very moment. They belonged in the damn psych ward.

Gingerly standing up and examining herself in the mirror April sighed. Maybe she was just channeling Alex. She really and truly had been enjoying herself when they first got to the bridal shop. Walking around, picking the dresses and everything. That had been fun. More than fun. A childhood dream fulfilled.

April turned to get a view of the back of the dress and train, wincing at the dull ache in her right knee. The shopping trip had been a dream come true until she'd started to try the garments on. That's when her whole body reminded April that, in fact, this was no dream. She'd never look like the bride she'd pictured in all her day dreams of the farm. She'd never glide effortlessly down the aisle on her father's arm without a limp.

Three years on, April's mobility have improved by leaps and bounds. She could tackle stairs with ease. Muster a fairly rapid loping jog in the ER. Chase after Adam as he crawled and toddled. She knew that the fact that she was even walking at all was nothing short of miraculous and all thanks to Alex's excellent trauma care during the earthquake. But April was also painfully aware that, even with the passage of time and the continued thoughtful care of Callie Torres, this was probably as good as her bad leg was ever going to get.

Most of the time April felt blessed. She didn't mope. But most of the dresses for sale seemed to be destined for women who could easily and safely wear high heels. They were cut for people who didn't have a huge incision scars marking an angry red trail down pale skinned cleavage. April hadn't worn high heels since Christmas 2011. And even before the earthquake she'd never been one for overly low cut anything. Certainly not after.

Certainly nothing  _naked_ from the shoulders up. It was too much. It showed too much. The bride and groom were the center of attention on their wedding day. People would be looking at her.

Tracing one finger along the top edge of her scar, April frowned. She really knew she shouldn't let a few imperfections get her down, but it didn't help the feeling from creeping in.

This was the perfect dress. Once, April would have considered this dress to be the perfect fit. But now she was afraid  _she_  didn't fit. Every girl dreams of a perfect wedding day. You just never think  _you_ will be the root of imperfection. Luckily, Alex could always make her feel like a million bucks, and she had no doubts that he would on the big day.

How on earth Alex put up with sleeping with someone who liked as Frankenstein-like as she did, April sometimes couldn't understand. Well, on positive days she could, she supposed. On days she felt confident.

Today wasn't that day.

The sounds of women's voices reached her ears from out side the dressing room.

First Cristina, "Kepner, get a move on! Let's see it! Some of us haven't got all day. You get stuck on a zipper or something?"

Then Meredith, "Cristina!"

Then her mother's gentle plea, "Ladybug? Can we see this one on you?"

Flushing at Karen Kepner's use of her childhood nickname, April turned around and joined her odd little bridal party who sat in a waiting area near the dressing rooms. None of her sisters had been able to make it, Lexie was still living in Portland until the end of May, and Amber was stuck cramming for finals. So, she'd ended up going dress shopping with an unlikely group indeed; Meredith, Cristina and her mother.

"Mom!" April groaned as she joined the other women, embarrassed at the endearment.

"Oh, April," her mother tutted, stepping closer to her and begging to fuss with the fabric of the dress. "You'll always be my ladybug."

Meredith sat cross legged on another white plush square of softness laughing next to Cristina. The cardio surgeon held a hand to her mouth suppressing giggles.

"Yeah April," the dark haired woman agreed. "There are worse bugs to be compared to."

"Termite," Meredith supplied.

Cristina pressed on, "Centipede."

"Horsefly."

April was mildly surprised when her mother laughed along with her friends and added, "Botfly."

"Good one Mama K!" Cristina looked impressed.

"I've seen enough of them on the farm over the years," Karen waved off the compliment with a broad smile, and gestured for April to turn. "Let me see the back now, April."

Shaking her head she did as she was told. To be honest, April had had no idea what her mother would think of Meredith and Cristina. She thought they'd probably think her mom was dowdy, annoying with too high pitched a voice. But the three of them seemed to strangely have hit it off. They were enjoying each others company. Which made April's insecurity that much more awkward.

"Your mom's alright, Kepner," Cristina said, picking up a discarded bridal magazine and idly flipping through it. "At least she didn't take your eyebrows."

"Wha-?" April tried to spin around. That really didn't make sense. She made eye contact with Meredith her only made a small slashing gesture with her hand and shook her head. Twisted sister speak for don't ask.

"This one really looks beautiful on you," Karen said mistily looking into April's eyes and cupping her cheeks. "I think it's a definite top of the list. It shows of your figure so well."

"It is very nice, April," Meredith concurred.

"This dress looks hot," Cristina commented. "Alex will dig it."

"And the off white is very nice on her, " her mother continued. April rolled her eyes knowing the comments that would follow.

Sure enough, Meredith quipped, "Who needs to stick to tradition anyway? Virgin white is over rated."

She shot a glare over her shoulder as her mother continued to fuss with the dress, now examining the garments long train.

"Considering you already have little spawn," Cristina reasoned. "Your dress should be off white."

April allowed her scowl to intensify.

"What? You're mom isn't dumb; she's been around. She knows Adam didn't fall from the sky... "

"Stop making jokes about it!" April hissed. She knew that having a child before marriage was practically unheard of back home, at least among her family. And while she'd come to terms with all of it long ago, and her family supported her, April wasn't sure how her mother would react to the subject being joked about so freely.

"God has his own plans," Karen mused tucking a lose strand of graying auburn hair behind her ears. "He doesn't always work along man made timelines. Adam came into this world when he was supposed to."

For some reason that comment hit April right in the heart and made her chest swell. she really did love her mom. Her emotions distracted he momentarily as all three of the other women continued to examine the dress. None of them seemed to notice the way the hems didn't line up quite right since she was wearing flats, or the way that the cloth dipped in the front revealing her chest scar.

April let her gaze drift to the large mirror in front of her and smiled slightly. The dress really was amazing, and she could picture just how her old self would have worn this dress. She'd let her hair down, curled with her curling iron. And she'd wear those awesome pearl white stilettos she'd splurged on once downtown while on an impromptu shopping spree with Reed. If only...

"I can't wear a dress like this," April blurted out suddenly, surprising all the women around her.

"You like another one better?" Meredith asked kindly.

"No...it's just," Ducking her head, April ran her finger tip scar. "I can't wear this."

No one missed her gesture. Meredith squeezed her shoulder sympathetically and her mother pulled her in for a quick hug, "Oh, Ladybug. But you look so beautiful."

"It can be covered up," the neuro surgeon said earnestly. "Make up can cover scars. Hire some professionals?"

Karen nodded quickly, "We can ask Diego."

April and Meredith both raised their eyebrows. Go ask the brother in law for make advice?

Her mother shrugged, "He's on the news, he's always saying they put a lot on news anchors..."

Swallowing hard, April shook her head, unconvinced. Nothing would cover this up. "I can't-"

Cristina however, crossed her arms and huffed, "I made an excellent incision. If Altman had let a lesser resident lay a hand on you, you'd have a scar twice as bad."

"Cristina-" Meredith tried to stop her friend as the cardio surgeon moved to stand by April's side.

She draped an arm around April's shoulders, "Get a grip Kepner. You like this dress. We can tell. And you can wear this freaking dress."

"But people will see-"

"People will see what?" Cristina countered. "People will see your scars? What do you supposed they are going to say? 'Oh damn, look at all those scars?' You shouldn't invite people like that to your wedding."

"I-" April stammered.

Meredith and her mother seemed taken aback, as Cristina leaned close to April's ear, "Do you know what people really see when they look at your scars, April?"

Shrugging, April could only mumble, "No."

She only knew what she saw. And what she was afraid everyone else would see.

"They see a survivor. They see someone who went to hell and back and made it through. You could easily have died. I've treated patients with injuries less severe than yours who have died. The scars prove it happened, but that you didn't die...that's how people will see them. That's how you should too."

"Really?"

Blinking in shock, April turned to look Cristina in the eye, slack jawed. She couldn't remember a time when Dr. Cristina Yang had ever  _ever_  said anything this nice to her. Cristina was usually the first to tease April in fact. She considered the Asian woman to be a friend, and certainly cared about her because of her importance to Alex and Meredith, but April had never really been sure where she stood with Cristina. This made her think that her sarcastic friend might really like her after all. Cristina didn't say things she didn't mean.

Meredith and her mother exchanged a pride filled glance as Cristina continued, "Sure. Plus, most importantly...when Alex sees you, he's gonna wish time moved faster so he could move on from the ceremony to the part where the two of you do the hippidy dippity in the back of the limo on the way to your honeymoon."

"Cristina!" April gasped in horror as she watched Karen's cheeks burn red.

Meredith crossed her arms and shook her head, watching her old friend fondly, "She's right you know. It might not happen, but Alex will totally be thinking about it."

April squeezed her mother's hand apologetically. She knew what they were saying as true. About Alex. About everyone else. She could almost down, April ran her hand along the dresses smooth fabric. She wanted to believe. She wanted to believe that none of it really did matter.

"You can wear this freaking dress," Cristina repeated nodding to the others.

"You really can," Meredith agreed.

"You can, Ladybug," Karen kissed April's cheek. "No one would be able to say you were anything less than stunning if you did. And really, the only people who's opinions should matter to you on the day are Alex's and your own."

April looked back to he reflection in the mirror thoughtfully, for the first time imagining, the dress at a wedding. Not in the context of her perfect dream, and no in the context of her old self. No, this time she looked in the mirror and pictured walking down the aisle in comfortable matching flats. She could still curl her hair. She could see it now. The glowly dreamlike quality of her imagination faded, replaced by the more solid colors of reality. Adam would be there. Her sisters. Her father. People she loved and cared for. They would never judge her by how she looked.

In that moment, April realized, she could wear this dress. So long as Alex was the person waiting for her at the end of the aisle, and she knew he would be, April knew that she could handle anything. What could possibly be worse than getting fired? Or nearly getting shot in a hospital shooting? Nothing could possibly be worse than getting crushed by a collapsing building in an earth quake. April survived that.

She'd survive her wedding too. 

And she would have fun. Because that was life really. Surviving stuff and having the best time you could with the person you loved along the way. April knew she was lucky to have Alex to take journey with, and the she suddenly felt lighter.

April could wear the dress.


	18. Chapter 18

_Can you remember the most important days of your life? What were they? Birthdays, graduations, weddings. These moments are the mileposts of life. A way to measure where you are, where you've been, and where you are going._

Standing inside the dressing room of St. Whatever's Big Ass Drafty Church, Alex scowled and turned his head to one side, groaning as his sister fidgeted with the lapels of his tuxedo jacket.

Amber swatted his hands away and rolled her eyes, "Dude, you are all crooked. How the hell did you let your jacket get so messed up?"

Taking a step back and shoving his hands in his pockets, Alex escaped his sister's grasp. He rolled his eyes and frowned more deeply when he realized Avery had shown up from nowhere and started smoothing his hands down his back. Talk about awkward. They were dudes!

"Take your freaking hands off of me!"

Alex had taken the jacket off for a few minutes earlier to go outside. Because he needed some air. He'd needed to get away from the frills and the people and the too hot church, and the  _legions_  of chicks all over the freaking place. Half of freaking Ohio. He'd needed to get away from the candles. And the formal wear, the flowers, and memories of another similarly decorated event in his life. He knew this wedding was nothing like his first.

With April, everything was different.

But it still didn't mean he wasn't kind of scared. He couldn't take a nice wedding that led to a marriage that didn't work out all over again. Alex had needed a break. So he'd draped his jacket over a chair and stepped outside for some fresh air. Being outside had temporarily made him feel better, but now that he'd returned indoors, the freaking fuss everyone was making over his stupid jacket was enough to make Alex feel claustrophobic again.

Amber gestured at him as Avery demanded, "Take it off, Karev."

He scowled, "No freaking way!"

"Alex!" his sister chastised. "Off!"

"I can't let you marry April in a wrinkly ass jacket," Jackson said seriously, holding out a small bottle of de-wrinkle spray. "Take it off!"

Alex glowered in horror as his sister and April's best friend practically pounced on him, quickly managing to wrangle him out of his jacket and beginning to spay and pull at the wrinkles. Freaking psycho. Especially Avery.

"What are you, a maid?" Alex huffed.

This is why he'd just wanted to buck tradition and use Mer as his best man instead of Jackson. Dude was already acting like a maid of a sort, maid of honor couldn't be too far off the path, right? Let April deal with Avery.

Instead, they kind of swapped. Both their best friends were still participating in the ceremony, but Meredith had joined April and the sisters, while Alex was stuck with Jackson, and supposedly his new brother's in law, though Mike, Wendell, and Diego somehow managed to find a place to chill without Avery and Amber fuzzing all over them. Alex hadn't seen them in over 20 minutes.

Jackson pursed his lips and shook his head, smoothing and re-smoothing the jacket as it dried, "I'm an Avery."

Pulling furiously at the edges of his exposed vest, Alex huffed, "Whatever."

The door opened and Libby Kepner squealed, "T-minus 20 minutes!"

Amber beamed, "Almost time!"

Alex rolled his eyes when Avery added, "If we can get Karev's tux figured out..."

His future sister in law wrinkled her nose and watched as Jackson continued to finish smoothing out Alex's suit jacket, "What happened to your jacket?"

"Nothing," Alex rolled his eyes and brushed past the excited people in the room mumbling awkwardly. "I gotta get some air..."

He didn't linger to hear Jackson, Amber, or Libby's responses, because he was pretty sure they'd all try to tell him that he wasn't allowed to got outside or whatever, but frankly, Alex didn't care to listen. He'd had enough of their fussing and hovering.

Checking his watch to make sure he made it back in time, Alex quickly made his way out of the church, pleased not to run into anymore miscellaneous relatives or do gooders. The only person who seemed to notice his escape was Mark Sloan turned childminder. He was holding a fussy Adam, surrounded by 5 absurdly overdressed toddlers, as well as April's two older nieces and Tuck. Sloan glanced up from an animated conversation with Sofia, and smirked, offering Alex a wink.

Only nodding in response, Alex pushed open the front doors and burst into bright blinding light of summer, breathing in deeply as the fresh Seattle air hit him. That was one of the things he actually found cool about this place when he and April picked the venue. It was just north of downtown, near the Magnolia neighborhood, and just close enough to the Puget Sound that the air smelled like water.

Descending the front steps of the church, a figure in the adjoining cemetery caught his eye. Turning to his right and walking into the grassy park, Alex smirked. Looked like he wasn't the only one who'd gotten fed up with all the well wishing, fussing, and meddling relatives. April, all decked out in a beautiful off white dress, was standing off on her own, near some stately looking stone memorial.

Pausing in his approach, Alex allowed himself to take in the sight of his bride, since it was clear that April wasn't yet aware of his presence. He hadn't seen her in her dress yet, and he couldn't deny that the whole thing was pretty hot. Something about satin, and curves, slender necks and exposed shoulders. kind of cool. It reminded Alex of how lucky he was. Slowly he could feel his tensions and frustrations begin to disappear. His smile grew. For all his dislike of ceremony and song and dance, Alex was happy to be going through it all with April.

"Hey," Alex teased standing beside his soon to be wife and nudging her shoulder playfully. "Are you running out on me?"

Once that fear had been very real. People had been running out on him his whole life. His father, Izzie...and Alex had spent most of his life running too. It was nice to know that he'd never have to worry about that again. Stability for the first time in his life. It was nice to stand still with someone for a while.

April smirked, and turned to face him, tapping the side of her bad leg, "I can't run, remember?"

Alex chuckled, "Oh yeah...are you limping out on me?"

"Obviously," she replied, before her expression turned into a pout. She nervously fidgeted with the fabric of her dress, "Alex! It's bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony..."

"Whatever," he shook his head, and stilled her hands by taking them in his own. "We've already had our bad luck, I think."

April took a deep breath and squeezed his hands. "I guess."

"Besides," Alex continued. "You look really hot."

April flushed and ducked her head,"So do you. Very handsome." She wrinkled her nose and ran a finger down his chest, "Second best looking man in this whole place."

Feigning offense, he demanded, "Second best? Don't tell me your ranking pretty boy Avery above your freaking groom..."

April grimaced, "No! I mean Adam! He looks so cute in his little suit."

"Oh...okay," Alex chuckled, as April leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I can live with that."

The easy banter made him feel as though a weight was slowly being lifted from his chest. Just the normal, typical kind of talking that he and April might do on any morning over breakfast. Or on a walk with Adam in the park. Today was a big day, for sure. A happy day, absolutely. But this was still  _them_ , and it was still going to be them when the wedding was over and all was said and done.

"Who are you escaping?" Alex asked curiously.

"My sisters. Well, mostly Libby," April answered immediately. "She's driving me crazy. It's like she's a freaking atomic clock! I already can't stand the anticipation, I don't need her making it worse by-"

"Counting down to the second," Alex agreed. "She's not as bad as Amber and Jackson though...they keep acting like the god damn fashion police!"

"Well..." Pursing her lips April scrutinized his appearance carefully. "Your tie is a little of center...and you missing a jacket..."

" _Seriously?_ "

They both laughed heartily and then looked around the tranquil cemetery in silence. The calm before the storm. A moment of peace before the wonderful whirlwind that would be their wedding. After a moment, April sighed, "We should get back."

"Before we get caught?"

Giggling April nodded, "Before Libby has a coronary."

"Are you nervous?" Alex asked seriously.

She shrugged, "A little...not as much as I thought I'd be. You?"

Nervous didn't cover it. And a heck of a lot more than expected. Not that he would admit it. Then again, Alex found that actually being out here, just standing with April was immensely calming.

"You think anyone would miss us if we just grabbed a cab down town and got the paperwork all filled out at the courthouse?" Alex joked as they turned and walked back toward the church, hand in hand.

"No! We're not going to leave!" April replied firmly, gesturing at a moss covered statue as she took the steps extra slowly, Alex matching her pace. "Our wedding is  _supposed_  to be here!"

His eyes darted between her face and the statue. There was probably supposed to be something significant here, some reason April had been so enchanted with this place all along beyond it's location and amenities, but he realized he had no idea what that might be. If she'd told him, he'd tuned it out, or she might have just assumed her reasons were so obvious that an explanation would not be necessary.

"Whatever..."

"I told you why it was meant to be when we picked the place!"

Alex shrugged, "Doesn't mean I remember..."

April could be weird like that. Thinking that this or that and everything in between, was 'meant to be'. Supposed to happen. Destiny. Fated. Or whatever.

The way April explained it, all the crap that had ever happened to them was all part of some grand plan. This had all worked out the way it was supposed to. Earthquakes and ex-wives, and counselling, and shootings and all. Yet, Alex could imagine that just as easily things could have worked out some other way. Many, many terrible ways, all in which he ended up alone.

Say Lexie and Mark didn't find him in the elevator when he'd gotten shot and he bled out? Or the building collapsed just a little sooner and more than April's leg was crushed beneath its weight? Or if Alex couldn't overcome his asshole ways and April refused to date him? And suppose he'd actually gone to Africa right after Adam had been born? What if Kyle's existence had turned out to be a deal breaker?

There were just so many freaking possibilities. A thousand what ifs. When Alex really took a minute to stop and think about them all, it was so clear. Odds said, they shouldn't be here. By rights Alex didn't think he really deserve most of what had. But April prattled on about how it was all meant to work out. It was just what she believed, and Alex supposed it was better to face that then to know that it was all some random fluke. He might not agree, but he wasn't about to take away her happiness with the idea. Her happiness mattered to him. More than most other things.

"Ladybug! Alex!" Peering out the church doors at the top of the stairs, a somewhat frantic looking Joe Kepner waved them on. "Where have you guys been? We've got ten minutes to go. Alex needs to go to the altar!"

Alex spotted Meredith leaning on the doorway as well, looking far more relaxed than his future father in law. She looked at him with an expression of amusement and added, "Alex needs to find his jacket."

"We were just getting some air before the ceremony, Dad," April answered calmly. "We've had our eyes on the time."

Her words seemed to be enough to satisfy her anxious father, and when they reached the top of the steps Avery was there, ready to quickly assist Alex back into his newly de-wrinkled jacket. The wedding party was all assembled, bridesmaids on one side of the hospital lobby, and groomsmen on the other. Shifting in his formal clothes, Alex could feel some of the calm his stolen moment with April beginning to slip away.

This was really happening. His wedding...second wedding. It was really happening. And there were flowers and crap, and people from work and all, assembled nearby waiting to watch it. Alex gulped and tried not to think about how much sweat was running down between his shoulder blades.

Just as there were a thousand what ifs that could have led April away from his life before this point, Alex could easily conjure almost as many more that could pull them apart in the future beyond this moment. What if he screwed up? His knew his luck in this whole thing had been far too good so far. He'd gotten the girl, the children, the work, hell, Alex felt everything he had gotten everything he could possibly want in the last few years.

Wyatt would say that Alex was letting his past disappointments get the better of him. Alex tried to focus on the technical crap they'd learned in therapy. He had to remember that just because his previous marriage, and family experiences had been a bust, he and April had worked hard already to make sure that they were solid. And they were. Wyatt had often pointed out that Alex and April effectively acted as husband and wife, ever since Adam's birth the previous year. For all their communication issues and whatever, they'd loved each other and committed to staying the course even when all kinds of crap had burst into their lives.

They were solid. A wedding wasn't going to change anything about that. He really just had stage fright, because as soon as all his thoughts and fears about marriage in general flew through his mind, Alex also was inundated with thoughts and fears about screwing up the  _actual_  nuptials. Would people really notice if his coat was all wrinkly? What if he forgot his vows? Or passed out? Was his shoe untied?

He instantly glanced down at his feet.

"Alex," April paused before Mer could lead her away, leaning to Alex's ear. She seemed to sense his sudden nerves. "Don't worry. It's going to be fine. It's going to be great. We're _supposed_ to be married  _here_." _  
_

"You keep saying that."

Whispering again, April pointing to another statue that seemed to be of the same old guy they saw on their way in, "See? It's St. Jude. Patron saint of lost causes. Can't be a bad place to start..."

Alex laughed, and nodded, "I get it...see you in there."

"See you in there," April beamed.

He couldn't stop thinking about her words as he and Avery made their way down the long aisle of the church to the altar. If you'd have asked him 4 years ago whether there was any change at all for him and April to work out, he'd have said it was a lost cause. Yet, here they were. And Adam too. Against whatever odds there were, the two of them had build a life.

Maybe April was onto something.

* * *

_These moments frame all that important crap that you wouldn't understand otherwise without these moments to take stalk. But what part of those days do you remember? What part of any day do you remember? Big moments often only seem big because of the way they make you notice the smaller ones._

Meredith had never really been that interested in weddings. She'd never been one of those girls who grew up planning and day dreaming about her own wedding. That was something girls like April and Izzie must have done. But not her.

As a child Meredith had had far more pressing concerns to think about. Like where her father was and why he didn't pour her cereal for her anymore, what kind of surgeon she would grow up to be, and whether or not her mommy would live to see it. Weddings were far from her youthful imagination.

As an adult, her indifference to the whole institution persisted. Heck, she'd originally gotten married on a post it note. Meredith hadn't minded not having a ceremony. She didn't really do weddings. Getting the paperwork at city hall for her had merely been a formality; a means to an end so that she and Derek could have a chance to adopt Zola. The fact that her 'wedding' had been a rushed set of standard words and a quick signature with an exasperated judge in a tiny office did not bother Mer in the slightest.

Weddings were not her thing.

So it was completely inexplicable to her why she found herself with tears rolling down her face at Alex and April's wedding.

Because, as much as Meredith didn't consider herself to be a 'yay wedding' sort of girl, she also certainly didn't consider herself to be a crier. But, she thought with chagrin as she watched April and Alex pose for photographers on the front steps of St. Jude's Roman Catholic Church, here she was, reaching for another tissue to dab at her leaking eyes. The traitors.

Maybe she was going soft.

Derek squeezed Meredith's arm, and she blubbered, "I-I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me."

In front of her Zola looked up, "Are you sad, Mommy?"

Blinking rapidly, and smiling at her daughter, Meredith replied, "I'm not sad, Zozo. I'm not sad at all. Sometimes you cry when you are not sad. I am very very happy for April and Uncle Alex."

The girl grinned, and returned her attention to the church steps, "Me too! Plus we get to eat cake!"

Smiling faintly at the little girl, Meredith had to wonder whether or not that was a part of it too. For all that little Meredith Grey had had many more pressing issues on her mind than weddings and rainbows and happy things growing up, Zola Grey-Shepherd's childhood was something else. Zola may well turn out to be a wedding sort of girl, and even if she wasn't, the child would never carry the worries and fears her mother had in youth. Meredith had seen to that.

It had been this way all through the ceremony. Suddenly, she'd just look at her friends and feel overcome with the emotion of it all. Which had been a little awkward, considering her place in the wedding party as Maid of Honor and all. Hard to hide running mascara from the front of the church. Luckily the focus had been on the happy bride and groom, and even luckier still Meredith had known she was far from the only misty eyed person in the chapel.

One whole side of the room, the Kepner side of course, had provided a veritable downpour of tears, led on by Joe himself. Then again, the Karev side of things, made up of mostly friends and people from the hospital, had not been void of tears either. Scanning the room during the exchange of vows, Meredith had seen through her own teary eyes, Amber Karev blinking like there was no tomorrow.

By the time the priest announced, "You may kiss the bride", the stubborn young woman had lost her battle and was weeping openly.

Objectively speaking though, Meredith could admit that it was a pretty moving ceremony. Everything from April's barely suppressed giggles as she fumbled to place the gold band on Alex's finger, to Alex's muttered vows and proud smirks was heart warming to see. they were clearly delighted to marry each other.

Anyone would be pretty hard pressed not to be moved. Even the pauses were kind of beautiful because they were far from completely silent. Adam, from the safety of his grandmother's lap, seemed bound and determined to participate in his parents nuptials in some way, and filled silences with coos, raspberries, and giggles.

In front of them photographer gestured to Alex and April as he snapped a few more photos. Meredith sniffed and wiped at her nose red headed surgeon looked radiant in her dress, which stood out in the perfect summer weather, while Alex stood tall and proud, looking more carefree than she'd seen him look in a long time.

"Hey guys," the man said casually, lowering his camera for a moment. "We are almost done. Let's bring the kids in for a few frames okay? Then we'll bring in the families, and get some shots and that will be that."

Derek leaned down, as Alex and April began posing with both Adam and Kyle, and whispered, "Are you sure you are okay?"

"Yes," Meredith said, laughing. "I am just...I'm proud of them, you know?"

He grinned as the photographer ushered the mass of people that turned out to be April's immediate family on to the steps for pictures as well, "I know. I'm glad they made it here. I wasn't sure either of them had in it in them to get here..."

"I'm sure there were people in the world who'd have said the same thing as us..."

Derek smiled, "Probably."

"It's us now, Mommy!" Zola shouted, clamoring up the stairs the minute the photographer called for Alex's side of the family to be photographed. "The man said it's UncAlex family's turn."

"I think they just want Amber, sweetie," Meredith said, holding her daughter's hand, uncertain as to what kind of photo Alex and April really wanted. The photographer certainly wanted the Karev family side of things. Amber really was the only other Karev around, so a picture featuring Alex's blood relatives would be small.

"Oh come on, Mer!" Alex beckoned from the steps. "You guys count as my side! Yang too! Even freaking Avery...everyone, get a move on..."

Meredith could feel another wave of tears beginning as she, Zola, and Derek, and Cristina, Owen, Jackson, Mara, his mother, Mark and Lexie, and various other friends from the hospital joined Alex and April on the steps of the church.

Smiling through her tears, Meredith realized it was true. After all these years, it was true; they'd become a family. From intern year to the this day, a ragtag band of doctors really had pulled it together.

The joyful and raucous group soon moved on from the photos to the reception hall, and soon the party was in full swing. Watching her old friends and constructed family mingling right along with April's family didn't do much to stem the flow of Meredith's tears. Thinking about what this wedding, and what this moment meant for Alex, kept her emotions high.

In a way, Alex had been chasing this moment his entire life. A stable family had always been what he lacked, but now he'd finally found it. So had Meredith herself.

It was the kind of unity, shared history, and togetherness of family that Meredith knew very little of, but that she also was well aware that Alex had never experienced. Not with the crazy and the abuse and the foster care. This family, reconciling with his sister, and the past few years of general happiness Alex had had with April and Adam, was the first time he'd ever had one. It was the best possible outcome for him, and Meredith was proud.

Which is why she'd decided to give him and his new family a piece of her old family past.

Meredith stood as the DJ announced the beginning of the father daughter dance, and Alex stepped aside to allow April to dance with her father. They wouldn't be winning any dancing contests any time soon, but watching Joe and April dance made Meredith smile. She didn't know the man very well, and had spent more time in the wedding planning process with April's mother than her father. Even so, it was clear just how much the tall farmer cared for his daughter very much, just as she was.

Having now met various members of April's family, Meredith could begin to see just how exactly her friend ended up being the person she was. Meredith had discovered spending time with them as bridesmaids that April's sister Libby turned out to be twice as neurotic as she was, and Kimmie was about ten times as cheerful. Alice wasn't as bad, she was quite funny actually, but Meredith had seen how all four sisters acted together and it made her want to laugh. They bickered and teased and hugged. She and Lexie had their moments, but they didn't have the shared history of growing up together, so they didn't really have old patterns to fall into. They'd only known each other as adults.

With April, Kimmie, Libby and Alice, there were moments where you'd never know that they were all grown women. The three other women did have a tendency to pick on April, though she usually gave as good as she got, and it was clear that their dynamics had not changed much since the sisters were small. Libby and Kimmie vs. April with Alice as the wild card, who joked and teased, but also generally sided with April. From the dress, to the hair, to the schedule for the day, Meredith felt like she'd narrowly avoided whip lash from watching the four of them prepare for the ceremony. Now, the sisters had calmed down and were happily enjoying the wedding party with their husbands and children.

Meredith caught sight of Karen Kepner, holding a sleeping Kyle Stevens, and trying valiantly to prevent a tipsy looking Grandma Murphy from acquiring another cup of punch. Unfortunately, the old lady prevailed, pretending not to hear her daughter's protests, and downing the spiked beverage in one fast gulp. Karen sighed in exasperation as her elderly mother smirked.

As April had learned as chief resident; sometimes you can't get people to listen to you. She'd found her footing eventually, (and after the earthquake literally), but it had taken April time. Sometimes you just had to go slowly. Watching her kind and patient father gracefully match his dance movements to keep pace with April's disability, Meredith had to think that is where her friend's patience and love for Alex came from.

With a touch of regret Meredith thought back to April Kepner's early days at Seattle Grace. The merger was hard on everyone and she hadn't gone out of her way to be overly welcome to the overly cheerful and exceptionally awkward red head. She couldn't have known then just how big a part of her life April would become. And Meredith had never thought in a million years that April would turn out to be the right person for Alex.

Slowly but surely, other fathers and daughters, began populating the dance floor. Derek took Zola's small hands and let the girl stand on his feet as he swayed in rhythm to the music. Mark held Sofia on one hip and swung the girl around in a wild dance that included lots of spinning and dips, much to her delight.

"Hey there, Mr. Kepner," Meredith teased, sliding beside Alex.

"Shut up!"

He'd retrieved Adam from Lexie's watchful care, and was patting the boy's back as he rocked gently to the music.

"Sha Ah!" the grinning child mimicked, making his father wince.

"If April hears him say that, I'm blaming you," Alex quipped.

Meredith shook her head, "You're the one he learned it from, not me."

"Whatever." He was distracted and his gaze lovingly followed his new wife's movements on the dance floor.

"So?" Meredith nudged his arm. "How does it feel?"

Alex scowled, "What?"

"Being a married man?"

"You're not gonna go all shrink on me...I've got Wyatt for that. She's better at it than you anyway."

Meredith smirked, "Just asking. How does it feel?"

"I've been married before, Mer," Alex mumbled scratching the side of his neck.

"I know," she conceded. "But not like this."

"It feels awesome," Alex said finally. "I mean, I know it's only been, like what? Two hours? But, it does. It feels better. This time around."

"I'm glad, Alex."

He grinned, "Me too."

Both Meredith and Alex winced as the slow father daughter dance song ended and was replaced by a glaringly upbeat song by ABBA. April and everyone else on the dance floor started busting out in a series of outlandish and exaggerated boogie moves. Adam seemed to like it and gurgled loudly, rocking back and forth in his father's grasp.

"Oh Jesus..." Alex mumbled, turning the boy around to look at him seriously and kissing his forehead. "Not you too? One ABBA fan in the house is freaking bad enough."

Meredith laughed and watched her husband and daughter dance. Mention of the house made her turn pensive. As the song ended, a breathless April made her way off the dance floor, grinning happily and reaching out to tickle Adam. She and Alex began to talk happily and the opportunity was there. Meredith caught her husband's eye, and Derek lifted Zola to his waist, joining them to the side of the dance floor.

This was it.

"Well you two..." Meredith nodded, and reached down to her purse pulling out a folded piece of paper. "Derek and I-"

"And me!" Zola piped up, even though she really didn't have any idea what was in store. Derek's eyes twinkled and he held a finger to his lips.

"We know we already gave you that cooking set..." Meredith continued.

April's face lit up, "Thank you again!"

"Yeah," Alex concurred, smirking. "Thanks to you, I'm gonna end up so freaking fat." April smacked his arm.

"We wanted to give you something else," Derek continued, as Meredith pressed the piece of paper into April's hands.

They waited patiently as the bride carefully unfolded the paper, leaning closer to Alex so that he could read it too. Meredith found it was hard to control her excitement as she watched her friends read the document. Alex's eyebrows knitted together as his eyes moved from side to side taking in the text. April finished reading first and her eyes opened wide.

She gasped and raised a hand to her mouth, "Oh God...this-this is the deed to...but you-you can't-"

"You're giving us the house?" Alex's jaw dropped. "Mer, that's your house, you grew up there..."

Meredith grinned, pleased to see how stunned her friends were with their gift. She'd thought about it a lot, and really it seemed like the right thing to do. She knew that the dream house on Bainbridge with Derek and Zola was her home. It was their place. But her mother's old house was still very important to her, despite the bad childhood memories she had there.

She also knew that the house issue was still one that weight heavily on Alex's mind. Though being full attendings at a top hospital was by no means a low income sort of job, Meredith knew that things were different for Alex and April than they were for herself and Derek. For one thing, Derek had been well advanced in his career before they had gotten married. And as unfair as it was, neuro surgery was in generally far more profitable and glamorous than trauma surgery. Alex and April had also picked up the tab for Amber and her schooling. And no matter what, the thing that really pulled on Alex's mind was the fact that Rita and Aaron Karev's full care treatment would likely  _always_  be his responsibility to pay.

As long as they lived, and were unwell, the cost of their care would be Alex, and now April's, to bear.

Knowing that was a worry for her friend, Meredith had decided to do something that would make them both feel more comfortable. She knew that her friends would take care and be happier in her childhood home than she'd ever been, and that for Alex it would ease his fears. They'd already been excellent renters and took wonderful care of the house. When she'd explained her idea to Derek, he'd completely agreed. Giving April and Alex the house was something they both wanted to do.

"It's your house now," Derek replied, watching his friends shocked faces in amusement.

"Are you sure?" April stammered tearfully, holding the paper out, as though she was giving Meredith the opportunity to take everything back. "It's-It's-A house is a huge, you know, and I know it means a lot to you, I mean, well I know you grew up there and that your mother was..."

"I want you two to have it," Meredith assured the trauma surgeon firmly, wrapping her hands around April's and pushing the deed back.

Alex looked up, and she could have sworn there were tears in his eyes, "You really want to?"

"I really do."

He laughed incredulously, pulling Meredith into a tight one armed embrace, "Holy crap."

The hug was tight, like Alex was trying to convey all the depth of emotion and gratitude he had within him. What he couldn't say with words he could say with his arms. And Meredith squeezed back. He really was like a brother to her, and they'd come a long way since they first met.

She didn't know how long they'd held each other before, Zola giggled, "Dats a bad word, UncAlex!"

Sniffing and blinking rapidly Alex shook his head, "What? I never say bad words!"

"Yes huh, you do!" the girl argued. "Daddy says I can't r'peat you!"

"Howy capcwap!"Adam parroted, clapping his hands, and Alex's eyes grew wide. Bad words aside, the baby seemed almost as thrilled as his parents.

Meredith had to laugh, because April was clearly too stunned to even register the words coming out of her son's mouth. Instead her expression crumbled and her tears fell harder.

"Meredith I-I can't- I don't even know how to begin to thank you," she explained gesturing vaguely with her hands. "I-thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Watching the joy in her friends reactions, Meredith was even more certain that she'd made the right choice. She had no idea what Ellis Grey would think of selling the house, but it finally seemed as though she could cast off her mother's shadow because it didn't even matter. She honestly didn't care anymore. She was happy with her own life, and with her decisions. Meredith wrapped her arms around April's shoulders.

"Just promise you won't keep any pigs in the backyard..."

* * *

April yawned drowsily, curling her bare limbs closer to Alex beneath the sheets of their hotel room bed. It was the early morning and sunlight was beginning to shine through the blinds of their room window. Blinking to full wakefulness April sighed contentedly. Morning though it was, she and her new husband hadn't actually  _slept_  much at all. As it should be.

They were on their honeymoon, after all.

It made her giggle. April could hardly believe that she was actually on her  _honeymoon_ with Alex. In Italy of all places. Currently in a small town along the Amalfi coast. She'd actually been surprised because Alex had been really excited to go. He always cracked jokes about beaches and snorkling and all that, but when it came down to it, Alex was the one who'd suggested Italy as their destination. He'd never been to Europe and April had only gone as a shy undergrad. She'd been more than willing to agree to the idea because Italy was the country of love.

Alex must have already been awake, because April realized with an excited shiver that he was watching her, and gently tangling his fingers in her disheveled hair. It wasn't often he woke up first.

She blushed and turned to face him, "Good morning..."

"Malto benny..."

April's brow furrowed. That wasn't right.

"Do you mean molto bene? Very good? Or are you trying to say good morning?"

Stretching his limbs lazily, Alex smirked, "Whatever...Italian sounds hotter when you say it."

April rolled her eyes and rested her head on his chest. She'd tried to teach him a little of what she remembered from taking Italian in college, but the lessons never really got that far because she really didn't think she remembered that much, just hello and goodbye and basic restaurant stuff, and then every time she started to talk, Alex distracted her. Not that she minded very much.

"Oh, I see," April answered, letting her hands roam up and down her husband's exposed chest. "You just want me to correct you..."

"Maybe," Alex laughed and patted her shoulder.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

April pressed her lips to his in a deep kiss. And then another. And another.

"So," Alex said after a moment. "Unless we're freaking staying in here all day, what statues of dead guys are we going to look at today?"

Even though it was their honeymoon, Alex and April were at least trying to make the effort to see all the cultural and historic experiences that Italy had to offer. Again, the fact that her husband was even remotely interested in this stuff at all had been a surprise to April. But Alex had only ever been outside the United States twice in his life before and only to Mexico, which he claimed not to remember clearly, and once to Canada which he brushed off as boring. He'd woken her up early on their first day in Rome and forced her to push through horrible jet lag because he was eager to see the Coliseum and all that "old Roman crap".

"Pompeii was the plan, right?"

Alex flopped on his side, "Sweet! A town covered in ash. Way apocalyptic!"

"It's really sad, I mean...one day you're just living your life and then-"

"Boom! Volcano," he shrugged. "But what can you do? Anyhow, the brochure thingy said it's like one of the best preserved examples of ancient Rome and whatever. Sucked for them, but at least it kind of meant something in the long run."

"That's true," April pursed her lips. The ancient ruin did provide a really cool glimpse in the the past that wouldn't have been possible without the tragedy.

Another added benefit of sightseeing and spending time together aside from in hotel rooms, was that it took her mind of the one dark spot in this whole trip; missing Adam. Missing him ached.

As much as it was beyond her wildest dreams to: a) Actually be married to the man she loved, and b) actually be on a honeymoon in one of the most romantic destinations in the world, April pined for her little boy. This ten day trip was the first time she'd ever been separated from her baby, and even though she knew he was safe and cared for with her parents in Ohio. She always knew she adored her little boy, but just how much she missed his little smiles and even his tantrums had come as a bit of as shock. And too was the shock of missing her step son Kyle as well. She'd grown accustomed to his weekend visits, even though the whole situation was still a little new and rocky.

"You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" Alex said quietly. "Adam?"

Frowning April nodded, "Yes. I miss him." She hadn't intended on being so transparent.

She didn't want Alex to think that she wasn't happy to be on a honeymoon with him. Or married to him. She was actually ecstatic and immensely grateful. April was having fun. For much of her life April hadn't even been sure that she would ever even end up being able to find anyone who would even want to marry her in the first place. She thought she was too awkward and too annoying for anyone, much less someone like Alex to love.

And while she knew it was probably bizarre and crazy creepy to do at all, and it wasn't like she'd ever admit thinking this way to Alex, she couldn't help but compare her very new marriage to her parents enduring one.

Not that April was trying to be creepy or anything. It was just, growing up, that was what marriage meant to her. Karen and Joe Kepner, in April's opinion had the kind of relationship she'd longed for all along. So now that she could actually say that she had a family of her own,  _a husband_  of her own, she could not stop herself from wondering what they might be like years down the line.

"Me freaking too. I miss my little dude."

His comment make her smile faintly. For all the lack of self confidence April had in herself, she now knew that Alex had thought he was too damaged and too much of a jerk for anyone to care about either. They were lucky to have found one and other really.

"Well," April said, trying to lighten the mood. "We can try to skype again this afternoon then, after Pompeii. I think Mom and Dad have finally figured it out."

They'd managed a few calls so far, more than her parents actually expected, considering they were on a honeymoon. It made them feel better .

Alex nodded, and stood up stretching his limbs and shuffling into the bathroom. "I gotta pee."

"Hey!" April called after him, as he walked into the adjacent bathroom and blatantly started to do his business, bare naked and door wide open."Just because we're married now doesn't mean you can't close the door!"

"Whatever. Ain't nothing you haven't seen before."

She sighed and rolled her eyes, "You can still have manners."

Alex rocked his hips and started doing a dance, highlighting his exposed backside, "Isn't this why why call it a 'honey moon'?"

April scowled and threw a pillow at him. Alex tucked and the soft object hit a small picture on the wall knocking it to the floor. They both froze and stared at each other in shock, before bursting out into laughter. Such a wonderful way to start the day.

Times like this reminded April that her marriage and relationship with Alex was very much their own thing. Nothing like her parent's marriage. Her Dad would never...at least she couldn't and didn't want to imagine him dancing in the bathroom. That was more of an Alex thing.

Their relationship had always been unique and nothing like anyone else's or how the thought things would be. And that was okay. Because it made April very happy. You never know where life is going to take you. Alex made April feel confident, and competent, and complete. They'd taken a long road, but in time he'd given her his love. And most important of all, he'd given her their son, and she couldn't imagine her life without Adam.

This life wasn't a perfect fairy tale, like she'd once imagined, but it was the kind of perfection April found in being a trauma surgeon. Messy and eye opening and profound. In fact, life with Alex was great.

_It takes moments of great importance to make moments of normalcy feel like magic._


End file.
